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Old 09-17-2009, 06:34 PM   #1
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Really Need advice about fiance's new lifestyle

I really could use some advise. My fiance recently got in contact with his daughter after many years of not speaking with her (since she was very young). Now he is obsessed with it and is putting our life on hold and putting me on the back burner. We have been together for 4 years and we have been planning a wedding. Now he is constantly checking his phone, sending her messages, etc. Now he is back in contact with the mom's family and wants to spend time with them. We have pretty much kept to ourselves and were happy that way and now he want's to see them all the time. I tried talking to him and he said don't make me chose between me or his daughter because it would be her. At first he said i would always be first to him, but has since she she is his number 1 and she is his life. They haven't been talking that long, so I find all of this strange. I do not have kids of my own so our emotions are differnt. What do i do? i feel like breaking it off because it is getting worse by the day and emotionally i can't live like this? Or am i just letting my emotions get in the way. I feel like he has now what he wants- his daughter and he doesn't need me for anything anymore.

 
Old 09-17-2009, 06:57 PM   #2
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Re: Really Need advise about fiance's new lifestyle

Well, you can't expect him to ignore his daughter. It sounds like he's at that point where he is overcompensating to make up for lost time. I don't think its going to be like this all the time. I think once he gets settled and has spent a lot of time with her it will be more balanced.

In any case, these are the kind of things you have to deal with when you get involved with people who have kids. If you aren't interested in being a stepmom then you probably shouldn't get involved with a guy who has kids.

 
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Old 09-17-2009, 07:11 PM   #3
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Re: Really Need advise about fiance's new lifestyle

Like Kszan said, often people try to over compensate and make up for lost time and prove to the child that they never really abandoned them etc etc and that they truly do love them and want to be a part of their life.

I too think it wont go on like this forever. I is understandably disconcerting to you as it has thrown your life with this man into a bit of emotional turmoil. Hang in there and in the end i'm sure he will love you all the more for it.

I can also understand your confusion over your fiance wanting to spend time with his daughters mother and her family. You might be feeling that he may miss what he could have had with them and might want to end your relationship and get back with his ex wife. I'm not sure how to advise on that type of issue as i've not been in this type of situation myself.

All i can advise is to hang in there and let things run their course. If you find you can't live with it then maybe bailing out might be the best option.

 
Old 09-18-2009, 02:48 AM   #4
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Re: Really Need advice about fiance's new lifestyle

This is a tricky situation. I don't know what you said or did to make him say those deadly words: "Don't make me choose... because it's going to be her". Out of a context, those very words would probably turn me off, but what do I know about your fiancé? Perhaps he uttered those words while he was angry, and words are just words. But I think he should concern himself more with balancing the two relationships. It is not fair to put you on the backburner. Of course, his trying to have a relationship with his daughter is laudable, although I wonder why he didn't begin to do so earlier. However, in my opinion he should limit himself to his daughter and should try to include you little by little in this relationship, too. By the way, have you ever met the girl?

I'm under the impression that your fiancé is somewhat... I don't know how to say it in English: têtu? pigheaded? You know, a stubborn person who won't listen to your point-of-view. This is another hot potato for you.

My advice is: wait it out, because this obsession will fade away over time, but at the same time subtly insinuate yourself into this new relationship, not necessarily as a stepmother, but as a new friend. If your fiancé opposes this movement, then I think you have unfortunately to move on.

Last edited by pendulum; 09-18-2009 at 03:00 AM.

 
Old 09-18-2009, 05:33 AM   #5
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Re: Really Need advice about fiance's new lifestyle

Hmmm, that is a tough situation. Why would he put you on the back burner like that? It does sound like over compensating. How old is the daughter? Does she live nearby?

 
Old 09-18-2009, 08:05 AM   #6
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Re: Really Need advice about fiance's new lifestyle

I'd hold off on the wedding until he gets his head straight

 
Old 09-18-2009, 04:43 PM   #7
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Re: Really Need advice about fiance's new lifestyle

I agree with Rose, postpone the wedding. You should never marry on a maybe. You can't become his wife while hoping he will become someone he currently is not.

Now, you didn't give us a whole lot of detail in your post, so perhaps we need a clearer picture before more advice can be given, but you say he wants to see his daughter's mother (I'm assuming an ex significant other of his of course) all the time. Are you invited to go with him all the time? Sometimes? Never? Do you guys still go out on dates, and if so, does he interrupt dinner, or does he interrupt movies or conversations with you in order to call or text his daughter? These are things that would draw a more clear picture for us and let us know more about what your situation is like.

I think you can make it very clear that you are glad he's found his daughter and has a second chance to forge a relationship with her, but it should not be at your expense. Let him know you do not want to make him choose, but he is no longer the person you became engaged to, and the relationship is no longer the close partnership it once was, and that a compromise must be made. You have to be reasonable and calm, and have some ideas ready to go when he asks you what you want changed. You don't have the right to stand between him and his daughter, but you do have the right to be an important priority in his life as well. If you no longer are, and he has no intention of making his relationship with you a priority again, then you need to know that so that you can make an informed decision about your own future. I think anytime you date someone with kids, you have to sort of just accept that you will always be number 3 on his priority list, behind the kids and their mother and whatever she needs to make raising the kids easier. But you didn't know you were dating a man with kids. He sort of changed the deal on you, so you are within your rights to say "hey, I want you to be with your daughter, but I dont' want you totally forget about us either, and I feel like that's what you're doing." I mean, who knows? This could be symptomatic of a much deeper problem. It's been my experience that sometimes when men are bored with a relationship and they want out but they are too chicken to say they want out, they start being mean, cold, distant, neglectful, in the hopes that the woman will just go away and never bother them again. For all I know, this is what he's doing. Using his daughter as an excuse to push you away, hoping you will just stop calling, stop coming around, and just disappear. I have no idea, but if he is so unwilling to compromise, to take your feelings into consideration and so unwilling to see that he sprung this on you and changed the deal you signed up for on you and doesn't even care how this is affecting you or the relationship, I think you have to consider the possibility that he's checked out and is just hoping you'll disappear. I mean, he's pretty much told you "this is how it is now, like it or leave it." You need to find out from him if he's really serious, and whether he's secretly hoping you'll leave it.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 09-18-2009 at 04:49 PM.

 
Old 09-18-2009, 11:16 PM   #8
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Re: Really Need advice about fiance's new lifestyle

I would not suggest an ultimatum, because you would probably loose. There should be nothing that stands in the way of parental love, no matter how long the absence, that is just a fact. I would encourage anything that makes your man happy and balanced. Without having children of your own, I can imagine this would be a hard pill to swallow. Flexibility is a key to long term relationships. What if the tables were turned, and you were called on to care for elderly relatives, would you want your bf to be supportive of your commitment to your relatives care?

Hopefully for the sake of the daughter, this relationship will grow. You must decide if you can be behind this, in spirit and in action. I wish you well!

 
Old 10-03-2009, 05:35 PM   #9
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Re: Really Need advice about fiance's new lifestyle

Thank you all for your advice. Things haven't gotten any better. The mom doesn't like him, which is why she left him and took her daughter several states away. He is now insistant on seeing her as soon as possible, even though we don't have the funds. He will stop talking, even in midsentence, if his phones goes off for a text message so that he can read it. If I am talking to him while he is texting, he will wait until after he sends it, then say "what?" We had plans to go to my family's place for Christmas. He told me i could read the messages between them on his phone. He asked if she thought her mom would let her come out on her next three day weekend, so she responded and said Christmas break would work. He responded and said ok. Never mentioning to her of our plans, and never discussing it with me besides letting me read it on his phone. I had told him before that if we have plans to go somewhere and he is on the phone with her then im going to go because i'm not going to sit around and wait on him. He said if we have plans, then we have plans and he wouldn't break them. Now it is like he is making plans and breaking our plans and not telling me. It is so bad that honestly i don't know if i can wait it out. He wants to get a second job to buy her a car. We don't see eachother that much as it is, and now he is going to take away that time, too.

 
Old 10-03-2009, 06:04 PM   #10
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Re: Really Need advice about fiance's new lifestyle

He told you that you could read the text messages between the two of them? Is there a context for that statement? I don't want to be out of line but it sounds like she's about 16. Are you at all concerned he's infatuated with her on a level other than father/daughter? Honestly, I'm sorry if I'm way off in left field but elements of this seem strange.

 
Old 10-03-2009, 08:30 PM   #11
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Re: Really Need advice about fiance's new lifestyle

I think it's fantastic that after being estranged for many years that they are reconnecting. You said this was recent. I think that after they catch up on missed time that things will settle down some. I certainly don't think you should make an issue of it. While I don't have children, I do understand and commend his need to make her a priority right now. And I think it's only normal that they would want to spend the holidays together. You've had him for the last 4 Christmas', she hasn't.

 
Old 10-04-2009, 02:08 PM   #12
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Re: Really Need advice about fiance's new lifestyle

Quote:
Originally Posted by resolution09 View Post
He told you that you could read the text messages between the two of them? Is there a context for that statement? I don't want to be out of line but it sounds like she's about 16. Are you at all concerned he's infatuated with her on a level other than father/daughter? Honestly, I'm sorry if I'm way off in left field but elements of this seem strange.
I kind of feel this way, but also don't. I'm really confused right now. He looks at her pictures a lot now. He has done some strange stuff to make me think that, like sending her a picture of him puckering his lips, like he is going to kiss her. I don't think that is something normal to send a teenager. He also calls her a lot of pet names, which he does not do with me. I am happy that he has reconnected with her, but I don't think he should be putting her between our relationship.

 
Old 10-04-2009, 02:33 PM   #13
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Re: Really Need advice about fiance's new lifestyle

It sounds like he doesn't know how to be a father. He just knows how to relate to teenage girls that he feels a pull toward. That's not the same thing! And she may be responding because she probably has been desperately wanting a father in her life and now she has one. This will definitely pull them together even stronger. He's currently "infatuated" with being a father figure toward his daughter, and she's "infatuated" with having an attentive father.

As we all know, infatuations are impossible to get past until some time has gone by. Then, when the initial euphoria fades, maybe you can go back to having a normal relationship with him.
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Old 10-04-2009, 05:00 PM   #14
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Re: Really Need advice about fiance's new lifestyle

Redneon82 - That makes sense. Maybe he's sort of frozen in time since he has been out of her life since she was a little kid. If it's a normal euphoria of happiness over the reconnect, it will pass. (Especially if dealing with a teenager! : ) ) But I'd still keep an eye on this and I can understand why the poster is concerned. I guess I've never known a father to go so over the top, regardless of the situation. And with so many divorces I do know several other parents who have been apart from their kids for years. Since they tend to be bargaining chips, you know.

 
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