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Old 09-20-2009, 11:46 AM   #1
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my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

My name is David, recently separated from my wife Lisa, and recently dating a new woman, Emily.
Emily doesn't like it when I go to visit my child (who is 2) at my X's place, which I do about 4x a week.
She would rather my child comes to our place, which is just too inconvenient.
Basically she doesn't want me spending time with my X.
Really though, it's not much time with her, just enough to pick up my child and go to the park to play.
Lisa, my X, doesn't want Emily coming to the park, otherwise that would be a solution.
The only thing I can see, is Emily needs to grow up and realise this is not about her, it's about putting my child first, and respecting that my X is hurt and we don't want to provoke her.

statement from Emily: "I hate Lisa" (Lisa was mean to Emily a few months ago when she and I first got together, and still now when they do cross paths)

statement from Lisa: "this is nothing to do with me. it's a reasonable request that you go to the park with your kid alone. I'm hurt as it is and shouldn't have to let my kid spend time with your new girlfriend"

Emily wants to be able to bond with my child, and doesn't want to be out of the picture.
Emily and I will be getting married soon.

I'd invest pretty much every dollar I could afford if spending money would fix it. I want to spend my life with Emily and I want Lisa to have a happy life and motherhood.

thanks for taking the time to read and reply,
David

 
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Old 09-20-2009, 12:27 PM   #2
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

First of all, please don't get me wrong, but you are recently divorced and you are already getting married? Don't you think you need some more time for yourself before making this important step (again)?

This is a very difficult question, because as far as I can see both women are on a war footing, holding their own ground. Unfortunately, your daughter and you have to live as it were between two fires.

Unless you can find a way for these two people to make up or at least to make a pact, I can't see a way-out for the impasse. Anyway, I think that as a father, you are entitled to put your daughter in touch with people whom you consider to be reliable and who won't do any harm to her. I know Lisa is hurt (although it is not clear to me why), but can't she trust your judgement?

However, on second thoughts, if these two women can't reach an agreement, then I am afraid Emily will have to retrace her steps: she was the last one to enter this picture, so in a way she has to accept the given circumstances. She has to realize that your daughter needs you and that she can't have any meaningful role in her life now. Maybe in the future.

If she really trusts you, why can't she behave more reasonably?

 
Old 09-20-2009, 12:34 PM   #3
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

You hit the nail on the head: "The only thing I can see, is Emily needs to grow up and realise this is not about her, it's about putting my child first, and respecting that my X is hurt and we don't want to provoke her."

Being that you're recently separated (divorce pending?), I assume Emily is your first relationship since your wife. (Or perhaps the reason for the separation?) Please take things slowly. These transitional, rebound relationships rarely last. There's plenty of time for Emily to bond with your daughter. Your daughter adjusting to mom and dad being apart comes first.

Emily also needs to accept that Lisa is a part of your life, for now and forever. You share a daughter. Eventually, you will share grandchildren.

I want to commend you on spending so much time with your daughter. I've seen fathers like you, and I've seen fathers who conveniently forget they're fathers when a new woman comes into the picture. The daughters of fathers like you grow up to be well adjusted and self confident. The daughters of the other type of fathers have issues that they live with for the rest of their lives.

Last edited by Choice; 09-20-2009 at 08:37 PM.

 
Old 09-20-2009, 01:53 PM   #4
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

At two years old, your child is in the prime time of her early life, which means she needs the most stability, the most love, the most peaceful time... for at least another solid year. Exposing a child under three years old to conflict, disruption, and introducing a radical change in their lives, can be irreparable.

This is the time your child is creating language centers, self confidence, trust, and above all, lifelong bonds with the parent/s.

Keeping your child in it's own home for Dad's 4x week visit is crucial to maintain. The girlfriends needs cannot supercede the needs of your child, and the comfort of your child's mother. Your child needs you, and always will. It is very important to keep your child's mother's well being in mind, as your child needs a strong, confident mom, to best care for your child.

I think the girlfriend is completely out of line, from what you say. I choose not to even respond to her issues, for they are very immature and selfish, in my mind.

I wish you well...

 
Old 09-20-2009, 02:30 PM   #5
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

I agree that jumping into another marriage so soon is not a good plan. You say that you are "recently" dating Emily...why are you planning to get married "soon" if you've only recently begun dating? Did you two have a relationship during your marriage to Lisa, and that's why Lisa is "hurt"?

You have to put your daughter first. Give her some time to adjust to Daddy no longer living with Mommy before you introduce her to a new stepmother. I'm afraid, for the welfare of your child, Emily is either going to have to be patient, or be "out of the picture".
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Old 09-20-2009, 03:41 PM   #6
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

I'm going to go a little against the grain here. I do agree that your child's stability and needs are first, but I do see Emily's side. She's going to be this little girl's STEPMOTHER, and she's not allowed to be around her?? That's simply unreasonable. Why isn't Lisa being unreasonable for not wanting her child to get to know her future stepmother? You are totally taking Lisa's side and leaving Emily in the dust. And Emily is labeled selfish and immature simply because she wants to be a part of your daughter's life, since your daughter is such a huge part of your life? I'm sorry, I'm just not seeing how this is fair. Your heart is so clearly with your daughter, as it should be, but as long as Lisa can so easily pull your strings, then your heart is still with her as well. You might as well still be married.

I don't think you're ready to be in a serious relationship yet. And even if you were, it's obviously your heart isn't really with Emily. Everyone's feelings are way more important that hers. I think you should shelf any plans at all for any kind of serious relationship until you are able to share all the aspects of your life with a new woman, and that includes your daughter. And until you can tell Lisa "I'm not your husband anymore. I have someone new and very special in my life and I want my daughter to get to know her" you are not ready to be a good mate to a new woman, stand by her side, support her and fight for her like a good mate should. As long as Lisa always comes first and can pull the "I'm so hurt"' card and hold it over your head, calling every single shot, there won't be room in your life for a new serious relationship. No woman with any self respect will want to be relegated to the shadows and have your ex wife dictate when she can and can't be with you and how much she gets to know her own stepdaugther. I don't really think it's fair that that's what you're asking the woman you supposedly love enough to make your wife to do. As long as Lisa is allowed to get her way every single time over each and every point, you should remain single. That's obviously what Lisa wants. And you seem only too happy to give it to her. So give it to her. Set Emily free, so she can find a man who can really love her and put her needs and feelings first at least once in a while. And don't put any other women through this. If your main, and pretty much only, focus is keeping Lisa happy at all costs, and what keeps her happy is any other woman never getting anywhere near your daughter, and you need to spend 4 nights a week with your daughter, minimum, let alone how much time you spend with her on the weekends, then I don't see how you can have a healthy, mutually respectful relationship with anyone else.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 09-20-2009 at 06:17 PM.

 
Old 09-20-2009, 04:37 PM   #7
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I'm going to go a little against the grain here. I do agree that your child's stability and needs are first, but I do see Emily's side. She's going to be this little girl's STEPMOTHER, and she's not allowed to be around her?? That's simply unreasonable. Why isn't Lisa being unreasonable for not wanting her child to get to know her future stepmother? You are totally taking Lisa's side and leaving Emily in the dust. And Emily is labeled selfish and immature simply because she wants to be a part of your daughter's life, since your daughter is such a huge part of your life? I'm sorry, I'm just not seeing how this is fair. Your heart is so clearly with your daughter, as it should be, but as long as Lisa can so easily pull your strings, then your heart is still with her as well. You mgiht as well still be married.

I don't think you're ready to be in a serious relationship yet. And even if you were, it's obviously your heart isn't really with Emily. Everyone's feelings are way more important that hers. I think you should shelf any plans at all for any kind of serious relationship until you are able to share all the aspects of your life with a new woman, and that includes your daughter. And until you can tell Lisa "I'm not your husband anymore. I have someone new and very special in my life and I want my daughter to get to know her." As long as Lisa always comes first and can pull the "I'm so hurt"' card and hold it over your head, calling every single shot, there won't be room in your life for a new serious relationship. No woman with any self respect will want to be relegated to the shadows and have your ex wife dictate when she can and can't be with you and how much she gets to know her own stepdaugther. As long as Lisa is allowed to get her way every single time over each and every point, you should remain single. That's obviously what Lisa wants. And you seem only too happy to give it to her. So give it to her. Set Emily free, so she can find a man who can really love her and put her needs and feelings first at least once in a while.
I think this post has a point. In my own post, I am also questioning Lisa's wanting to control every step your daughter makes when she is with you. I don't think it is in her power to do so, either, but I can't see how anyone can make her change her mind. Maybe you are in the right position to consult with a judge or an attorney specializing in familial issues to see how far a parent (and in this particular case, a mother) can go with their rules and directions. I didn't want to mention this straightaway, because this would be like an escalation of the fight, but maybe this is the only way to settle this question. Moreover, I don't think you should "set Emily free" (actually, Emily is free to go as she pleases), because you are not really doing anything wrong. Poor guy, you are right in the middle of this battlefield. You can't force your ex-wife to change her mind, but not because of this must you break your relationship with Emily, unless she decides to do so.

Yes, consult with someone who knows and let an official decision/order be put in practice.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-20-2010 at 07:07 PM. Reason: Please address the original poster.

 
Old 09-20-2009, 06:38 PM   #8
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

Quote:
Originally Posted by davidh30 View Post
My name is David, recently separated from my wife Lisa, and recently dating a new woman, Emily...

Emily and I will be getting married soon.
These are the two statements that inspired my earlier reply...I could be way off base, because I didn't clarify the "recently". Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

Exactly how recently have you been separated from Lisa?
How long have you and Emily been dating?
Are you legally divorced yet?
When are you and Emily getting married?
What is your current custody, and visitation?

Thank you.

 
Old 09-20-2009, 09:47 PM   #9
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

Quote:
Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
These are the two statements that inspired my earlier reply...I could be way off base, because I didn't clarify the "recently". Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

Exactly how recently have you been separated from Lisa?
How long have you and Emily been dating?
Are you legally divorced yet?
When are you and Emily getting married?
What is your current custody, and visitation?

Thank you.
Can I add one to the list?

Is your engagement to Emily public knowledge? In other words, does your ex-wife (or soon to be ex-wife) know the relationship is that serious and will lead to Emily being her daughter's step-mother? If she is not aware of that part of the story, she is correct in protecting her daughter. If not, then I might agree that your daughter should start spending some time with Emily.

 
Old 09-20-2009, 11:56 PM   #10
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

Quote:
Originally Posted by davidh30 View Post
My name is David, recently separated from my wife Lisa, and recently dating a new woman, Emily.
Emily doesn't like it when I go to visit my child (who is 2) at my X's place, which I do about 4x a week.
She would rather my child comes to our place, which is just too inconvenient.
Basically she doesn't want me spending time with my X.
Really though, it's not much time with her, just enough to pick up my child and go to the park to play.
Lisa, my X, doesn't want Emily coming to the park, otherwise that would be a solution.
The only thing I can see, is Emily needs to grow up and realise this is not about her, it's about putting my child first, and respecting that my X is hurt and we don't want to provoke her.

statement from Emily: "I hate Lisa" (Lisa was mean to Emily a few months ago when she and I first got together, and still now when they do cross paths)

statement from Lisa: "this is nothing to do with me. it's a reasonable request that you go to the park with your kid alone. I'm hurt as it is and shouldn't have to let my kid spend time with your new girlfriend"

Emily wants to be able to bond with my child, and doesn't want to be out of the picture.
Emily and I will be getting married soon.

I'd invest pretty much every dollar I could afford if spending money would fix it. I want to spend my life with Emily and I want Lisa to have a happy life and motherhood.

thanks for taking the time to read and reply,
David
Hi David, it doesn't get any easier except that if you don't nip it in the bud now it will only get worse with time and then of course you have the added problem of your daughter being resentful to whoever you are going out with or going to marry, girls will be girls they can be so jealous of anyone in their father's life, no matter how nice that new person is or how good that new person is. No-one will ever be good enough. Plus they will feel as if they no longer have all of their daddy's undivided attention, even if they become young teenagers and are busy with their girlfriends, they just want their dad to sit around and be there for them, and not have a life. Sorry to put it so bluntly but that's how it is.
What your ex (Lisa) needs to understand is that you ALL need to do what is right for the child, the child has had enough trauma/drama as it is in their very young life. But in the same breath, your new partner (Emily) needs to bond with your child they need to do this but in time, not right away. Also there will be times once you and Emily are married that YOU will need time alone with your child, so your new wife needs to give you this time out. Even if it's just watching tv and sitting on the couch side by side or putting the lunch together and Emily can be doing other things at that particular time.
As for you seeing your child 4 times per week, why is that? Isn't this disruptive to the child and their routine? Can you not keep to every second weekend or something similar? Children need routine, stability, security, discipline and plenty of love. They will soon play an even bigger part in your future if you do not put in the ground work now while the child is young enough to train. Because they then later on become difficult young adults as you have now found with both Lisa and Emily.
David you need to be alot stronger and put down your foot when it comes to certain things and now would be a good start. If you truly love Emily and want to marry her, you need to include her in your life properly and this means letting her get to know your child, as your child is a part of you. At the same time Emily then needs to allow you quality time / time out with your child. You have to make sure that Lisa is not there with you as this will only make Emily jealous and lose faith in you. It doesn't matter who you are going out with or marrying you have to choose, you can't have Lisa tagging along as this is totally unfair to anyone else you are in a relationship with. Do you understand what I am getting at? Your child is only 2, they are young enough to mould, but the older they get the harder it is so please sort it out now. Good luck. FJ

 
Old 09-21-2009, 01:11 AM   #11
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

maybe emily is being selfish in someway, but i know i would not feel comfortable going to someone's house if they are being mean to me. even if emily was to say something like, why are you being like this? lisa could just turn around and say, this is my house and you have no say in anything here and i dont have to justify anything to you as you dont live here.

i dont see what the big deal is if you were to take emily to the park with you when you see your daughter. what if it was a guy friend of yours or something? i know people can be overprotective of their kids which is not a bad thing but your daughter is only two years old so you are going to meet lots of new people through work, friends, etc in the years to come. are you meant to introduce every single person that enters your life to lisa? what happens when lisa gets a boyfriend? i bet she will have that boyfriend coming over to her house, probably going to the movies together with your daughter and playing happy families. dont let lisa control you. this is just as much your daughter as it is hers. what could emily possibly do to your daughter while you are present anyway? its not like shes baby sitting her on her own. i feel this is ridiculous. btw, my parents divorced when i was young. they had boyfriends and girlfriends in their lives. i met them all and my parents werent sticking their noses in each others business.

people dont realise but they actually leave their kids alone with strangers all the time. when your child starts school, you dont know the teachers that well, what about the adults at day care while you're working? what about if you let your child play at a friends from schools house? how well do you know the parents of the other child? i think you're a sensible guy with a good judge of character, i dont see any harm in emily coming to the park with you.

 
Old 09-21-2009, 07:22 AM   #12
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

you implied that you are separated.....not divorced....
then you say you and emily are getting married soon.....
are you still married to your childs mother?

 
Old 09-21-2009, 10:11 AM   #13
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

I definitely don't agree that less time with your daughter is the answer. Time with her daddy is not "disruptive", it's healthy and essential for her to form a strong sense of being loved by both her parents. When my son's dad and I divorced, we agreed that he would spend every single weekend at his dad's, since we believed it was important for him to spend time with his dad. It was not "disruptive" at all, my son is now a well-adjusted 18 year old who feels loved and secure.

I just think it's way too soon to introduce a new step-mommy if the divorce is recent, or if you and Emily have only "recently" begun dating.
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Old 09-21-2009, 10:54 AM   #14
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

first i just want to say thanks so much for all the excellent replies. wow! every single one had some really solid insights. I honestly didn't expect to learn anything. My goal was to find a way to change Emily's mind, that's all. I've never posted in an advice board before. I actually did cross post this at about 3 other websites, but got no response at any of them yet. If I can find a donation link at this site I will make one, even just smallish, to show thanks! You guys & gals are great.

I think I have all I need to move forward. my main discovery is quite surprising. When Emily and I read all the replies together, as I expected, the majority said "she needs to be less selfish". But when she read the ones that sided with her, she was happy for the first time in days!!! I forget sometimes it's not about being "right" (or thinking I am at least), it's about empathy.

So...
#1 I will do a better job to empathise with both, especially Emily.
#2 I will put my foot down firmly in a non-confrontational way whenever it gets to them fighting, with my boy caught in the middle. So far I did make a firm stand, but I was angry at each of them so it just made a bigger mess.
#3 when I do have the practical chance to have my boy spend time with Emily, or for Emily and Lisa to interact, I will treasure it, and be very careful with the situation. (I took it for granted before). I realise it's more sensitive, and more valuable than i thought.

Some clarifications, but they're not so important:
-my child is actually my boy, not girl. I might have worded something funny in my original post that made people think that.
-I was with my wife several years, there was a period of separation. For some privacy reasons it's best I not post much about this. But it's not a rebound type relationship.
-I am very confident I will be with Emily for life. Amazing synergy and love.
-Very happy to take care of my X, Lisa for life too, in any ways that it can be. at least financially she'd allow that. (unfortunately finances is not good, so that's causing more stress for everyone, but i really feel something will change in a big way soon. i haven't been monetizing the right skills maybe? I have extreme creative talent in marketing..blah blah. something will change)
-X wants full custody with open visitation. I want to give that to her because she feels better being in control, and will result in better behavior in general. Maybe legally this is not smart, but in the end result i just want less fighting so my boy isn't caught in it.
-divorce paperwork has just begun. Engagement is not official or public, just a personal commitment.

ok, that's a lot. if there is no more replies, i'm fine! thanks!
i'm just so impressed with this place! you all rock!
-david

 
Old 09-21-2009, 11:09 AM   #15
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Re: my new girlfriend doesn't want me to visit my 2year old at my x-wifes place

Just a very brief note.

It was nice to hear from you again. You sound a lot more relaxed now. It feels as though things are going to be ok.

It's a good thing that Emily was reading some of the posts together with you. I hope the more severe posts didn't really let her down for a very long time.

If she is a caring affectionate person, I think she will win your son over. Obviously, she must never try to replace his mother nor speak evil about her.

I hope these two ladies will be able to accept each other in due time. It may be a bit vulgar to say this, but the best of life can only be savoured when you learn to make lemonade out of lemmons, or when you treat your "present-day" foes as if they were meant to become friends in the future.

 
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