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Old 10-05-2009, 07:49 AM   #1
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Partner's Friends

I've been in a relationship for 1 1/2 years. My partner and I are friends with his former partner, but when my partner and I started dating there we some personality conflicts which were resolved over time.

My partner and his former partner are very close to a woman with a large family. We would have them over, along with the former partner, often. I got along with her in the beginning, but suddenly and without any warning our my relationship with her became severely strained. I didn't worry to start and tried to let things resolve themselves, but this strain has gone on for 6 months now, to the point of me feeling alienated in her and her family's presence. I had hoped she would have figured out that I'm not some monster, by now, but last night she and her family were over and it was the same thing. I'm ignored and sometimes certain they talk about me (they speak another language), and they often bring up how wonderful the ex-partner is. I've tried to endure because I know how important she is to my partner, but I just can't live like this. Last night, I told my partner that he needed to talk to her about this issue and ask if there really IS an issue and if so, what it is. I told him she needs to be aware that I never pushed his ex-partner away and all I want is to be friends. And, now this morning, I feel guilty for putting this on my partner. I don't have her number to talk to her on my own, in fact, I am never in contact with her unless it is through my partner. Anyway, I'm just confused about what to do about all of this.

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Old 10-05-2009, 09:21 AM   #2
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Re: Partner's Friends

I can enter your shoes. I mean, it would be really nasty for me to be with my partner and his or her ex at the same time. Whether you want it or not, a triangle is being set up, and since you didn't bring anyone into it, but your partner did, I understand you have all the reason in the world to feel left out and confused. Perhaps you shouldn't worry that much about this woman. I think she is talking nonsense. I think you should strive for being with your partner without the interference, however friendly it might be, of ex-partners, his or yours.

Last edited by pendulum; 10-05-2009 at 09:22 AM.

 
Old 10-05-2009, 09:31 AM   #3
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Re: Partner's Friends

Do the two of you live together, and are you both hosting these dinners?

If you are, I think it is very inappropriate for your guests to speak another language in front of you, whoever they are. After 1 1/2 years, I would hope that you are being respected enough by your partner, for him to make you comfortable in your own home, and with any guests that may be invited over. I woudn't feel guilty, I would just be straightforward, and negotiate a solution.

How often do these visits occur?

Last edited by writeleft; 10-05-2009 at 09:36 AM.

 
Old 10-05-2009, 10:11 AM   #4
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Re: Partner's Friends

So what does your partner say when you talk to him about how this woman makes you feel? Does he dismiss your feelings?

 
Old 10-05-2009, 11:14 AM   #5
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Re: Partner's Friends

Thank you for your responses. My partner and I do live with each other and we did host these parties. Until now, I have not mentioned anything to my partner because I thought after his ex moved things may change and for consideration that I might have been hypersensitive. It was last night that she made a comment that made me sure I should listen to my own feelings. He was very responsive to my feelings and after much thinking suggested we not invite them over anymore; I suggested talking to her first to try to resolve it. He also mentioned that I should not feel comfortable within my own home, to which I agree.

I believe people should take responsibility for their own feelings and actions and should try to resolve misunderstandings. Because this is such a close friend of his, it was rather difficult to know how to deal with such a situation. I do not want to end a friendship, but I also refuse to be made uncomfortable. I thank you for your prompt responses and affirmations that I have done the right thing.

 
Old 10-05-2009, 11:26 AM   #6
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Re: Partner's Friends

Wonderful!

 
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