My life is in shambles - Relationship Health Message Board

lost58 · 10-18-2009, 05:38 AM

I am a female who has been married for 32 years. I got married when I was very young, we have 3 beautifull children. We have had a good and happy life over the years, to me it always was the perfect life and marriage.
Over time I found that my husband was cheating on me. There may have been a time where he was involved with someone. I did not know how to handle this because to me marriage is a one time thing. I take my marriage vows very seriously.This ended and things where fine for a while then in the last 2 years I find that it has started all over again. My husband is on overseas posting most of the time and I spend most of my time with him. I come home for very short periods to do what needs to be done at home and go back to where ever my husband is.

Our sex life is not the best. I enjoy sex but my husband unfortunatly has problems. I would like to have sex much more than we do.

2 years ago I found messages on my husbands phone from a girl, it was very clear that he had given her a great amount of money and she said that she would do all these things with him. I packed up and left but returned after 2 days. Just last week I found somemore messages on my husbands phone this is with another girl where my husband is clearly asking to meet up with her he has also got her bank account number on his phone he has given her money and asked her if she needesd more money. This girl is overseas where we last where. This last incident has broken me totally until I dont know what to do anymore. I have found that he has Viagra hidden in various places and I know they are not to be used on me.

I am at my lowest at this very moment. He has robbed me of everything I ever had. I have been thinking of leaving him, but I love him because he has been good to me. This is making things so very difficult for me. I think I should get out but everytime I think about it I feel so sick I have these anxiety attacks and feel as if I am going to die. I really think that he will be the death of me. I have confronted my husband about this and we have had it out, he insists that he loves me and that I have read the messages on his phone in the wrong context. Of course he will never admit the truth to me.
He has made me feel unattractive, which I know I am not but I have lost all my self esteem. I dont know what to do anymore, this whole thing has affected my health so much I feel like dying so not to have to suffer anymore of this pain. I have no one to turn too. Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage. I have told him that our marriagec is nothing but a sham. He has robbed me of feeling good about myself, he has made me feel like a looser. I dont know what to do anymore I feel so betrayed and am feeling so down and broken hearted.

pendulum · 10-21-2009, 05:40 PM

I suppose you are in your late forties or early fifties. If you have looked after yourself in terms of health - and I presume you have done so - then I'd say you are in your prime. I think this is the best time for a woman, while it may not be the same for a man. I don't think your husband has properly looked after himself. And if he is really having affairs with these girls, then of course he is putting himself and you at great risk. You don't know for sure, but the proofs you have are solid enough. Please put yourself first in this case. Apparently you have respected this marriage, but he hasn't. What is the value of his love if there is no respect? Unless he joins you again in the salvation of your marriage - and transparence is the key for the relationship - you should try and move on with your life. Stand up, wipe out your tears and tell yourself that you are able to make it alone, even if it looks terrifying at the beginning. Open yourself with your children, in particular if you have a daughter, and then seek legal advice on what to do.

rosequartz · 10-22-2009, 07:54 AM

I'd get a good lawyer, find out what your rights are, divorce him and take him to the cleaners........

cathy1 · 10-22-2009, 02:43 PM

QUOTE: "I am at my lowest at this very moment. He has robbed me of everything I ever had. I have been thinking of leaving him, but I love him because he has been good to me"

I'm confused that you would say you're having trouble leaving because as you put it, "hes been so good to me". From what you've written he has been anything but good to you. This man has cheated on you several times, broken your trust and has given your money to another women.

Often women will look at the times when a man has been good to us in a relationship -when he was a "nice guy" and somehow that negates the hell that a man has put us through. This is not a one-time thing - he's a serial cheater. This is his pattern - he wants you and other women.

Talk to a therapist and try to sort this out. You need to find out why why you won't demand the respect that you deserve. He will not change. If you keep taking a man back the keeps cheating on you then in his mind he has no reason to change. He knows that you will endure and put up with it.

This is about your self esteem and self worth. Women will endure the worst in a man's behavior if they feel they don't deserve to be treated with respect.

Audrey-B · 10-23-2009, 03:29 AM

I'd say you are in a state of shock at the moment as the reality of your husband being a serial cheater has finally sunk in.

It's going to be difficult distancing yourself from the emotions you are feeling and the cold hard facts of the situation.

I agree with Pendulum, you ought to confide in your children or perhaps if you have a sister? I gather your children are all grown up and living their own lives? I don't feel you ought to go through this alone and carrying the mental thoughts which you are carrying alone. You do need to speak to someone.

To get you over the worst emotional fears you can visit your doctor and for a few months go on a light dose anti depressant or something to help calm you so that you can think straight.

Something does need to come of this. You can't go on living this way and waiting for his next affair, wondering where he is, who he's with, who he's giving money to. It's not good for your over all health to be sitting at home wondering when his next affair will surface.

It's normal for most of us to look back at the times our partner was 'good' to us. We visualise and feel all those happy and nice moments and they override the bad things which are going on now. In reality, you ought to be focusing on the bad, this makes us angry and makes us take action.

I went through the same thing when i had to leave my husband. I saw no future staying, i'd taken every avenue possible in helping our marriage, but he wouldn't meet me half way so i had to leave. It was the best thing i did. At the time i was scared as hell. I felt as though i was standing on the edge of a cliff and had to jump. Once you take the first step and leave it's like this amazing calm washed over me.

At the end of the day it's your choice and you know what you can and can't do, but you do need to face reality and realise that he wont change. I don't think he's just into the affairs with other women, he could be into forms of sex which the two of you haven't been inclined to perform together. Who knows what fetishes he has. This is no excuse and the fact he's lying to you and not being honest about why he needs to do this with other women when you are more than willing is enough to ring alarm bells.

Can you get some counselling? and if things get so bad that you can't cope, you will need to speak to someone or get some temporary medication. There are good things out there which are non addictive. I was on some antidepressants for about 4 months due to not being able to sleep or eat at all. It calmed me, enabled me to get sleep and brought back an appetite. When you are calmer you can think more straight too. Best wishes