So she won't feel bad about herself or feel fat. I've never had a woman say this to me. I've been lifting weights for years and I'm not skinny at all. I just don't have a whole lot of fat. She says she wants me to gain some fat so she will feel more comfortable around me when we're snuggling or just whenever.
She says that my body makes her feel bad about her body. It doesn't make any sense! She is very slim! She can't weigh any more than 105lbs!
We had an argument the other night and she said that she has an undiagnosed eating disorder. She said the only time she has issues with it is when she is dating someone who doesn't have any extra "meat" on their bones. I have plenty of extra meat, it's just not fat.
Another time she got upset one night b/c I didn't eat a noticeably larger amount of pizza than her.
She has also told me that she hasn't been eating much since we've been dating b/c she feels like if she gains any weight it will mess with her mind.
I explained to her that she was beautiful to me in any shape or form and that I didn't care how much she weighed but she stopped me right there and said...it doesn't matter what I think...it's what she thinks/feels. No amount of words will change what is in her mind.
I asked her if there was any way for her to work on this problem (I was thinking maybe a counselor or doctor) and her response..."yeah, you gain some weight!" I looked right at her and said that I wasn't the problem...she turned around and walked out slamming the door in my face.
I have been pigging out recently to try and make her feel better, and I've gained 5lbs, but I'm starting to feel like a slob eating all this food.
I can't take this anymore but I don't even know how to approach this issue
Just to clarify (for anyone that remembers some of my old posts), this is a girl I've been dating only a few months. I broke up with my longterm gf after she was being too controlling and picking fights all the time. I met this new girl shortly after and have enjoyed our time together but she seems to have more issues than my ex.
So how do I even approach an obviously sensitive issue like this?
Whoa whoa whoa... this is really messed up/bad. You were exactly right when you said "this is not my problem" and then she walked out and slammed the door? She is so deluded that she can't see that she is trying to force YOU to change YOUR body just so she can feel better about herself? This actually makes me feel angry... she has a lot of issues that certainly you can not help her with; she needs professional help. If she gets mad at you because you won't gain weight (thus actually putting your own body in danger) then I would be out the door in a minute!!! If she is willing to get help and acknowledges that it's in no way your problem, then maybe it's possible to work with her... if she continues to blame you in any way, then she seriously has some cognitive distortions going on. Do you really want to be with a woman who is obsessed with her weight and has an eating disorder? From my personal experience, this is a problem that does not easily go away and most women deal with it for years, if not the rest of their lives.
No no no no no, this girl has real issues. And as I can see, it seems you have an issue as well. You seem to be attracted to dysfunctional, controlling women, a woman with serious issues who tries to make her problems your problems. And instead of saying "whoa, I didn't know she was that messed up, I don't want any part of that" you choose to buy into her garbage and start to accept her problems as your problems. Especially when it comes to an eating disorder. Most eating disorders have control as a large part of it. The person who suffers from it uses food as a way to maintain strict and harsh control over something, because they feel so out of control of everything else. She seems to want to have ultimate control over her body and the body she sees in the mirror, and that seems to include the people close to her. I think you're just starting to see the very tip of the manipulative, controlling ice berg here.
The main thing I'm concerned with here is that you actually caved and gained five pounds and began eating in what I'm assuming is an unhealthy manner and becoming something you really don't want to be just to satisfy her dysfunctional whim. Why do you think you were so willing to do that for her, why do you think you seem to always be willing to do this kind of thing for any woman? Do you think you actually seek out women who are dysfunctional in some way, maybe because you think really strong, smart women who really have it together are out of your league? Do you think that's a possibility? Or could there be another reason? I think that's something you need to look long and hard at and deal with.
If you don't want to gain weight, then don't. I could see it if you were all skin and bones and so skinny that you were unhealthy, or even unhealthy looking, but if that's not the case, then she needs to own and start dealing with her own problems. You don't have to be mean about it, you can be very caring and loving and still explain to her that you are healthy and fit and enjoy being that way and while you care about her and want her to be happy, you can't and won't overeat and gain body fat just to enable her eating disorder and body image issues that she should be receiving professional help for in the first place. Eating disorders are not to be messed with. They can spiral out of control to a dangerous level without much warning, and her health could seriously suffer depending on how developed her disorder is. I think it would be a bad idea to start trying to be her counselor. You are a lay person (unless you also happen to be a trained mental health professional) and are simply not equipped to help her by yourself. I would not recommend that you try. If she wants to walk, then you may have to accept the fact that that's best, and let her know that although you care about her and wish her well, if she wants you to become fat, to become someone you're not, then perhaps you're not the one for her. She sounds like a real piece of work. Think long and hard before getting in any deeper with this one.
And I can't even get a guy to take me out to dinner more than once. Man, what the hell???
this is beyond ridiculous.....this is an unhealthy relationship and it will become more unhealthy if you start eating unhealthy and get fat just to appease her.
get rid of this nut bag
Thank you everyone for the support. We broke up last night. I went to the gym and when she found out she got upset and acted passive aggressive towards me. I told her I couldn't take the turmoil anymore and left it at that.
She sent me txt msg this morning saying she loved me and I had a voicemail from her saying that she understood if she was too much trouble for me and that if I wanted her to walk away, she would. I haven't called her back yet. Don't know if I should. I told her last night that I couldn't stop working out and jogging just b/c she would get upset every time.
I never realised how unhealthy this was until I read Larrylou's reply. Thank you everyone!
sounds like she will try and manipulate you.....
she said "if you wanted her to walk away she would"....... duh....I thought that was understood when you broke up......
The main thing I'm concerned with here is that you actually caved and gained five pounds and began eating in what I'm assuming is an unhealthy manner and becoming something you really don't want to be just to satisfy her dysfunctional whim. Why do you think you were so willing to do that for her, why do you think you seem to always be willing to do this kind of thing for any woman? Do you think you actually seek out women who are dysfunctional in some way, maybe because you think really strong, smart women who really have it together are out of your league? Do you think that's a possibility? Or could there be another reason? I think that's something you need to look long and hard at and deal with.
I don't know why I seem to fall for jealous, controlling, etc, women. What usually happens is I become very attracted to her, and then we go out on a few dates, everything is great...I start falling for her, and then she shows her true colors a month or so in. By that time I'm hooked and I think "we can work it out." But it never does work out, and then I am left resentful that I cannot pursue my hobbies and have a loving relationship at the same time.
Every girl I've seriously dated has had a problem with my hobbies. Every girl I've had a serious relationship with has thought I'm a ladies man and has worried about me going out with my friends for fear of other women talking to me.
I just want someone who trusts me fully, and loves me fully, without putting stipulations on everything.
How about meeting women at your gym? How about joining a rock climbing club, or running, or "outdoor adventure" type clubs where you will meet healthy, like-minded women who probably have it together mentally as well?
And yes, she is manipulating you, having a pity party for herself to try to get you to feel bad for breaking up with her so you'll go back. Please don't fall for it.
__________________
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
I don't know why I seem to fall for jealous, controlling, etc, women. What usually happens is I become very attracted to her, and then we go out on a few dates, everything is great...I start falling for her, and then she shows her true colors a month or so in. By that time I'm hooked and I think "we can work it out." But it never does work out, and then I am left resentful that I cannot pursue my hobbies and have a loving relationship at the same time.
Every girl I've seriously dated has had a problem with my hobbies. Every girl I've had a serious relationship with has thought I'm a ladies man and has worried about me going out with my friends for fear of other women talking to me.
I just want someone who trusts me fully, and loves me fully, without putting stipulations on everything.
I agree with Red, how about dating a woman who shares your hobbies?
Perhaps there could be a few things at work here. Perhaps for some reason you tend to attract or be attracted to women who are controlling and insecure, but perhaps there is also something about the way you conduct yourself in relationships that might make some women feel you are a "player" of sorts. NOw bear with me, I'm just speculating at this point since I know very little about your particular situation, just trying to see it from all sides. But if MANY women you date end up feeling put on the back burner, the common denominator is you, and I think that should be taken into consideration. Now, I don't think you were wrong in breaking up with this last woman. I'm sorry it came to that, but this woman had serious issues that I really hope she gets help for.
From what you say, you sound like you're pretty fit and rather good looking. Unfortunately in this day and age, commitment, fidelity and loyalty are just not in a lot of men's vocabularies anymore. Perhaps these women are shell shocked, have been cheated on multiple times and are burned and gun shy, and therefore insecure and untrusting of men in general, and specifically in a man who is really good looking with a lot going on who could have any woman he wants. It really is a shame, the state of love and relationships in our society these days, but perhaps you just need to make more of an effort to make a woman feel special and loved, well, when you get to the point of talking about love.
It's going to be tricky for a while for you I think, trying to find that fine line to walk between being a good, attentive, loyal, trustworthy boyfriend, and not crossing over into being manipulated, controlled, etc etc etc. It's really a line all of us have to learn to walk in some for or other. It's hard.
But I think maybe you can start with asking yourself a few simple questions...
Am I ready to be in a real, commited relationship?
Do I want to make a relationship a priority?
Do I always, or mostly, put my buddies, my hobbies, above my lady and her wants and needs?
Am I truly comfortable and secure in who, what and where I am in life?
Do I really want love? Not just companionship or sex for a while, but LOVE? And what am I willing and not willing to sacrifice to get and keep it?
Of course in a serious relationship you have to be prepared to put that other person first sometimes. And you can't live your life like you do when you're single. Sometimes the boys have to take a back seat to your lady. And you really just can't devote AS much time to hobbies when you're in a relationship as you can when you're single. You shouldn't be expected to give up the things you love, but it's about striking a balance. You have to be available to spend quality time with a significant other. How much time do you usually spend on your hobbies? All weekend long every weekend? A few nights a week? A few hours a weekend? Every night from quitting time to bed time? You may need to re-evaluate that, I don't know. The trick is to be vunerable and let someone in, make room for someone in your life, and find that someone who won't abuse or take advantage of that. It's hard I know!! It can really suck!! But it's a process. I wish you luck on your journey in life and finding love.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 10-28-2009 at 03:10 PM.
Oh, and p.s., I would not contact her again unless she contacts you and keeps pressing you, "tell me one way or the other, do you want me to walk away, " etc. She may not be seeing the forest for the trees, but in her defense, I have to admit that I had an ex who did the same thing. We were going through a rocky period, but he assured me he loved me, was oh so happy he found me, proud to be with me, blah blah blah. Then one day after an argument over politics, he said "I don't want to do this anymore." And that was it. I didn't get it because I had heard it so many times before, always just before he coaxed me back to be with him again. He ignored my call so I left a message saying "just let me know what you decided" and the next day he called and said "when I didn't call you back yesterday I thought you would have gotten the message." No matter how thick or unwittingly manipulative I may have been behaving, I deserved more than that. I think any woman you've slept with does. BUT...you don't want to wake a sleeping dog so to speak, so don't contact her unless she contacts you and keeps asking for resolution. Then all you need to say is "I don't think we should see each other anymore." Adn that's that.
I agree with Red, how about dating a woman who shares your hobbies?
It's going to be tricky for a while for you I think, trying to find that fine line to walk between being a good, attentive, loyal, trustworthy boyfriend, and not crossing over into being manipulated, controlled, etc etc etc. It's really a line all of us have to learn to walk in some for or other. It's hard.
But I think maybe you can start with asking yourself a few simple questions...
Am I ready to be in a real, commited relationship?
Do I want to make a relationship a priority?
Do I always, or mostly, put my buddies, my hobbies, above my lady and her wants and needs?
Am I truly comfortable and secure in who, what and where I am in life?
Do I really want love? Not just companionship or sex for a while, but LOVE? And what am I willing and not willing to sacrifice to get and keep it?
Of course in a serious relationship you have to be prepared to put that other person first sometimes. And you can't live your life like you do when you're single. Sometimes the boys have to take a back seat to your lady. And you really just can't devote AS much time to hobbies when you're in a relationship as you can when you're single. You shouldn't be expected to give up the things you love, but it's about striking a balance. You have to be available to spend quality time with a significant other. How much time do you usually spend on your hobbies? All weekend long every weekend? A few nights a week? A few hours a weekend? Every night from quitting time to bed time? You may need to re-evaluate that, I don't know. The trick is to be vunerable and let someone in, make room for someone in your life, and find that someone who won't abuse or take advantage of that. It's hard I know!! It can really suck!! But it's a process. I wish you luck on your journey in life and finding love.
My hobbies take up a few hours in the evening after work, maybe 3 nights a week, and then I might spend a little time on the weekend doing something. I make time for my gf and we do a lot of stuff together. My ex and I went everywhere together. Traveled everywhere, hung out 24/7 on the weekends. She had no hobbies, and ditched all her friends when we started dating, so it was up to me to be her only friend and more. I think friendship is important in a relationship, but when the other person has no hobbies or interests, and no other friends to hang out with.
The new girl has friends invite her to do stuff pretty regularly. I had pretty much quit my hobbies all together while dating her b/c she asked for so much of my time and gets upset if I go to the gym (bc in her words, there are cute little gym girls there and she doesn't like me being around them, and she doesn't want me to lose weight. Funny thing is lifting weights won't make me lose weight...i explained it to her, but for whatever reason she equates any type of exercise as an attempt to lose, not gain).
I would get off work, go home change clothes and go straight to her apartment where I would hang out with her the rest of the evening and spend the night. Next morning I would get up, go home, shower, put on work clothes and go to work. I was hardly spending any time at all to myself. No time at my apartment. I had clothes piling up that I needed to fold. Wasn't able to pick up or clean my apartment b/c I was never there. All this and she still found reasons to get upset.
Far as my buddies go, I hardly ever see them or hang out with them. They come visit me maybe 3 times a year, and I go to visit them about the same. I don't go out with them every week...or every other week...or really even every month. In fact, I hardly ever go out with them and do ANYTHING.
The times I have tried to go visit my friends, my ex threw a fit and said she didn't want me being in the atmosphere they live in (one lives in new orleans). She also said "no bars."
The new girl says "no bars" also. She says, "I trust you, I just don't trust all those other women." That is exactly the same thing my ex said!
Now, I don't care to go out to bars that often. But every once in a while, it's nice to go out with my buds to the pub and get some drinks.
No woman I've dated has ever had a reason to be jealous or untrusting, yet they all have been steadfast on not letting me far out of their site.
I don't get jealous or act untrusting towards them and the funny thing is the last 2 women I've dated got upset bc I didn't get jealous! They said they wanted me to get jealous. The most recent woman told me that she thought I didn't like her b/c when she got txt msgs from other guys I didn't freak out and start questioning her.
I am not sure where I go from here. The girl I have been posting about called me yesterday and begged me to give her a second chance. She was crying, and begging, and saying she had fallen madly in love with me, and that she was so sorry for the way she acted, etc etc etc. I told her the only way it would ever come close to working was if she saw a counselor/doctor/whatever. She agreed that she would.
I just am afraid that she would agree to anything to get me to accept her back...
I hate this sh*t. I may just have to be single for the rest of my life.
you're right....she will agree to anything at this point.....
but I doubt if she will follow thru
also people use "counselling" as a stalling tactic...
she may go once and continue to act the way she does and when you object she can tell you she's working on it....she's going to counselling....
just more manipulation....don't waste your time
Yes, I would hang tough with this girl. Maybe if she gets treatment and gets her stuff straightened out, in a year or so, IF you're still available, you might want to talk to her, but she needs to get well for herself, not just so you will take her back. Anything she does for you will not stick. As soon as she has you back she will go back to her sick ways. She has to want to get better for good, for herself, whether you come back to her or not. And like Rose said, at this point, yes, it's a stalling tactic. Stick to your guns. "I hope you get help and get better, but I just don't think we should see each other anymore." If she threatens to hurt herself, and I hope she doesn't, but you can enlist people close to her, a neighbor, maybe a family member, to get involved, but letting her sway you into getting back with her again now would not be good.
Don't give up. It takes time. Keep your side of the street clean and be confortable in your own skin and keep your heart open, and what you were meant to have will come.
Just wanted to update everyone. I haven't talked to her since we broke up. She has not attempted to call me. I'm not going to lie...I look at my phone in the mornings and deep inside I am a little disappointed when there's no text from her telling me good morning.
I don't know why I miss her. It was very dysfunctional...but for some reason I forget easily about the negative stuff and only think about the fun, the companionship, the smiles, etc. It makes me feel sad and I try to remind myself all the times she got mad and yelled at me for nothing, or played crazy games, etc
I guess I'm just going through the natural progression of feelings after a breakup.
So she wrote me an email and this is what she said...
"I just needed to say a few things now that I've sat back. I opened myself up to you completely and loved you and to have been treated like this made me regret everything I shared with you. I cannot believe that this treatment would have ever come from you but now that it has I realise that we were never meant for each other. I wish you the best and have enough tact to let it go without ignoring someone who was my love for so many months. take care of yourself."
Ok, first off, she is trying to place blame on me..."to be treated like this." Does she not realise the reason I have not called her is bc she mistreated me the whole time we were dating? Am I not allowed to just walk away after 2 months of walking on eggshells? She is still trying to make me feel guilty and I've done nothing wrong. I was very clear with her that I was angry and that we needed to both step away. (This was after the last time she yelled at me for nothing and then hung up on me.)
She can not make you feel guilty unless you give her the power to do so.. She is self-projecting because she refuses to take responsibility for her own problems so it's easier for her to blame you then to take a good hard look at herself.
I hope you ignore her and move on with your life.. You don't need this negative messed up woman in your life to only cause problems in your life unless you want a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.
I am curious? Is/was your mother controlling and manipulating?
She can not make you feel guilty unless you give her the power to do so.. She is self-projecting because she refuses to take responsibility for her own problems so it's easier for her to blame you then to take a good hard look at herself.
I hope you ignore her and move on with your life.. You don't need this negative messed up woman in your life to only cause problems in your life unless you want a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.
I am curious? Is/was your mother controlling and manipulating?
Sunny
I don't think my mother was controlling...she gave us boundaries growing up, but she was pretty easy on us. I wasn't much of a trouble maker aside from being a little hyper.
She did try to manipulate me into not liking my father b/c of her issues with him (after they divorced). I remember her talking bad about him to us and saying things like "your father should do this for you..." Things like buy me a car, or whatever. He was already paying child support and alimony to her and he felt like he should not have to pay for anything extra like cars or whatever. She disagreed, but that was only one of her issues with him.
I'd love to know what makes people attracted to who they are attracted to, but then I'd be a millionaire, wouldn't I?
My ex loves controlling, overly jealous women who order him around and wear the pants. I am relaxed and easygoing and never, ever considered ordering him around, so of course he fell out of love with me. In his case, he had an overindulgent father and a mother who repeatedly had affairs throughout his childhood (and he knew about them). I can't fathom how that combination created a guy who wants to be dominated, but whatever.
So maybe you are attracted to girls who you see as having strong personalities? Unfortunately, that seems to be girls who want to give you grief and blame you for their problems, or who don't want you to have any life apart from them. Maybe your mom was relaxed and you are looking for the opposite. I don't know...I can't analyze anyone, I'm not a professional!
But this girl is still trying to control and manipulate you into begging her to take you back. Her issues are her own, NOT yours. And you cannot saddle yourself to someone you don't want to be with just because she is playing the sympathy blame card.
I'd ignore her too...and maybe block her so she can't contact you anymore.
__________________
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
This is really not my place to diagnose anybody, but she sounds like she's got herself a case of borderline personality disorder. Ever heard of it?
Yes as a matter of fact I have and wondered about that. What did I write in this thread that makes you think she might have bpd?
I've done some reading on it and I thought I read that one of the main things people with BPD do is self injury through cutting or burning? I've never seen a scar or mark on her anywhere so that is ruled out.
I also read that they have issues with abandonment and even mild separation can cause them to go off into a fit of anger.
One night she got very upset with me bc I didn't spend the night with her. Story goes like this...She was at my apartment eating dinner with me. When she got ready to go home, I didn't offer to go with her and stay at her place. (side note, we had spent almost every night together at her place for the last month or so..she stayed at my place maybe 3 times)
She seemed totally fine with it and left my place with a smile. 15 minutes later I get a call from her and she's yelling at me saying "FIRST OF ALL!! WHY HAVENT YOU CALLED TO CHECK AND MAKE SURE I GOT HOME OK!!?? (just pretend like the rest in in caps...I hate typing in caps) 2nd of all, I want a man that wants to sleep next to me every night!!!!!! I can't believe you don't want to be in my bed tonight!!!!!"
She said some other stuff I can't remember, and then hung up on me. I was bewildered at this point b/c I had no idea it was such a big deal...especially since I had offered to let her stay at my place.
Also she has gotten mildly upset at me b/c I did not text or call her for 3 hours during the day. We normally text little msgs like "hope you are having a good morning/afternoon/lunch/whatev" ...just nice little things throughout the day. Well, one day I didn't text her anything after lunch up until about 3:30pm and she got slightly upset with me...enough to be a little snippy with me when we talked. Finally, after I asked her a few times, she blurted out..."you didn't text me for 3 hours!"
The flip side is...I feel like if I start looking for symptoms of certain disorders, (be it bpd, bipolar, etc) I could find them in anything or any situation/scenario. Whether she's got bpd or not I don't know, obviously b/c I'm not a doctor, but i'd be interested in hearing why you mentioned that based on what you had read in my posts.
I've been lifting weights for years and I'm not skinny at all. I just don't have a whole lot of fat. She says she wants me to gain some fat so she will feel more comfortable around me when we're snuggling or just whenever. 
