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Old 10-29-2009, 05:31 PM   #1
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Strict parents

Hi i'm 19 and my parents are very strict parents. I have a curfue and I dont mind i because it is very reasonable and i always get home on time, i help and pick up my 11yr old brother from school everyday, i cook and clean the house every day because my parents both have a full time job,

I'm a sophmore in college and get straight A's but when i want some time for myself and privacy i don't have any. I've had millions of conversations wih my parents but they dont see me as an adult or talk to me as an adult, they expect everything for me which i understand but i need my time and whenever i try to explain this to them they don't listen or find a way to turn everything around towards me, saying that i never used to talk back to them but i loose my patience very quickly which is wrong.

All i want is for them to let me grow up and gain my own independence. We fight almost everyday and I don't Know what to do anymore. I think they take me for granted. Any advice?

 
Old 10-29-2009, 08:34 PM   #2
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Re: Strict parents

Is there any way at all you can maybe take a part time job and live in a dormitory or an on campus apartment, or an apartment near campus? I think part of growing up is learning that your parents are who they are and you can't change them. You can't MAKE them understand anything. And you can't get them to "let" you grow up. If you keep waiting for their permission to grow up, you never will. You can't wait for them to give you your independence, you are going to have to just take it.

 
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Old 10-30-2009, 03:45 AM   #3
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Re: Strict parents

LLM is right; don't wait for your parents to see you as an adult, it will not happen. You will be their little girl forever. You must, in a reasonable and non-blaming way, assert your independence and privacy. If you are always loving and affectionate while you do this, it will make it a bit smoother. The unfair thing is that Mother Nature programs kids to mature and leave the nest, but forgets about programming the parents to like it. As long as you are living at their home, you will not get all you want, but try to compromise and strike a balance that you can all live with. Cheers, Sera.

 
Old 10-30-2009, 04:06 AM   #4
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Re: Strict parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by sabryfig View Post
Hi i'm 19 and my parents are very strict parents. I have a curfue and I dont mind i because it is very reasonable and i always get home on time, i help and pick up my 11yr old brother from school everyday, i cook and clean the house every day because my parents both have a full time job,

I'm a sophmore in college and get straight A's but when i want some time for myself and privacy i don't have any. I've had millions of conversations wih my parents but they dont see me as an adult or talk to me as an adult, they expect everything for me which i understand but i need my time and whenever i try to explain this to them they don't listen or find a way to turn everything around towards me, saying that i never used to talk back to them but i loose my patience very quickly which is wrong.

All i want is for them to let me grow up and gain my own independence. We fight almost everyday and I don't Know what to do anymore. I think they take me for granted. Any advice?
Hmm, can you please elaborate on this? How do they prevent you from having some time and privacy for yourself? Don't you have a room of your own? Don't you have friends? Don't they give you any (pocket) money?

 
Old 10-30-2009, 01:22 PM   #5
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Re: Strict parents

From a mother's point of view, I can tell you that your little girl will never grow up! I have 2 girls and a boy, all over 30 and they're still in need of my care. However, that said, I do understand that they must leave the nest and grow up.

I am making the asumption that you have not given your parents reason to not trust you. If that's true, then you need to calmly, like a mature adult, start up a conversation at a time when there are no distractions (TV, cooking dinner, younger kid running around). Be very calm, smile, and bring up the subject. Tell them how grateful you are that you are able to live at home and go to college, but that you want to prove to them that their trust in you is valid and develop a little freedom. Ask for their suggestions as to how you can go about developing this freedom. You can't all of a sudden expect that they'll just say, okay, fine, come and go as you please. After all, this has been a lifetime to them of making the rules, you being expected to follow them, etc. You also have to remember that you are a role model (whether you want to be or not) to your 11-year-old sibling. If you learn to communicate with your parents in a mature, adult, calm manner this will be a HUGE learning experience for your brother.

Baby steps - assure them you are grateful for the opportunity to live at home and that you do not mind doing chores and helping out. That you want to learn to become an adult and that you feel that you have given them ample reason to trust you. Assure them that you have no intentions of going out partying (that will be a huge fear for them, as will the fear that you will be in a situation of being hurt - a valid fear about college-age girls). Make them feel that you are grateful for their love and that you appreciate that they brought you up with good morals and values. COMPROMISE with them, taking small steps, and you should be able to work toward some small freedoms that lead to larger and larger freedoms.

PS: No yelling. If the discussion deteriorates and you or they feel like yelling, excuse yourself in a calm manner, and remove yourself with the understanding that you can bring it up again at a later point. If you remain calm, no yelling, no histrionics, you will put food for thought into their heads and they may think about this, or even discuss it between themselves, and realize that they need to let you grow up.

Last edited by BigRed54; 10-30-2009 at 01:24 PM.

 
Old 03-24-2010, 01:27 PM   #6
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Re: Strict parents

I did have many part time jobs before but they dont want me to work, they say i have no need for it. I even said i would pay for my place on campus even though it was expensive but they said i would never do that because it makes no sense due to the fact of me living only 15 minutes away rom school and if i left i could never come back or speak to them. So basically they always give me ultimatums and i never have room to manage anything.

 
Old 03-24-2010, 01:29 PM   #7
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Re: Strict parents

Thank you for the advice and i totally agrree. I also understand their point of view, they dont want to give me independance, they want me to stay home, i've had so many conversations with them about this in a civil maner but it never works they dont validate my opinion.

 
Old 03-24-2010, 01:33 PM   #8
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Re: Strict parents

I have my own room but they always are mad if i stay in my room, they always want me in the living room, they come in my room whenever they want without even asking if they can come in, they go through my stuff, pockets, purse, they listen to all my phone calls, they dont let me spend time with my boyfriend. I basically have no life. They give gas money and thats it, reminding you i dont work because they dont want me too because they say i need to help them. I have friends but i can only go out on friday and saturday until 2 and i can only leave after dinner (around 8) and during the week i cant go out without letting them know exaclty where i am going. Its so frustrating.

Last edited by sabryfig; 03-24-2010 at 01:49 PM.

 
Old 03-24-2010, 01:44 PM   #9
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Re: Strict parents

Thank you for the advice. I do understand and believe me i've done all those things. and i truly dont mind helping around the house, they do say they trust me but they say that i should spend time with family and its more important. My father has a patience issue, he yells and screams alot and i can never have a normal argument with them, my mother only does what my father says she can do and she never listens to what i say. If i try to bring anything up to conversate they say "why are u asking if u already know the answer" this is extremly frustrating. Another problem is that they dont like my boyfriend because he is cape verdean and they try to do anything in their power to keep me from seeing him and spending time with him. I cant even bring my brother around him to play basquetball and this is ridiculous to me. They refuse to meet him, try to know him and judge him so much its hard for me and him. I feel like one day im going to reach my breaking point. They are even telling me i am going on vacation to portugal for 2 months during the summer and there is nothing i can do about it because they dont want me to stay in the states so i dont spend time with my bf or do anything. This is ridiculous, my bf is a great person, he goes to school, has his own place, works, his family is of great status, caring and loves me and he his very respecting of me. It is so frustrating. As i speak i am stuck in my house because i cant go out after i get home from school regardless.

Last edited by sabryfig; 03-24-2010 at 01:55 PM.

 
Old 03-25-2010, 12:43 PM   #10
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Re: Strict parents

If you have the ability to work and get a place on campus, leave. Trust me, your parents will not live up to their ultimatum--not for long, at least. You're an adult. It's time to start making decisions for yourself. I could not live under the conditions you describe. That sounds awful.

 
Old 03-25-2010, 02:53 PM   #11
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Re: Strict parents

It really is awful. It takes a toll on my health, my friends and my bf mostly. I am only here bcz i wanted to try to leave on good terms bcz they said if i left i would never be able to speak to them bcz they would movce away and i wouldnt be able to spend time woith my 11yr old brother which is horrible. Your not the first one to give me that advice but i never took it bcz i wanted to have a relationship with my parents.

 
Old 03-25-2010, 03:08 PM   #12
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Re: Strict parents

Honestly i am in a similar situation. I am 21, still live with my parents, going to college, and i am moving out in the fall.They were extremely controlling and strict all my life, down to the movies i watched, the music i listened to, the people i talk to, the places i go, everything. Sometime when i was 20, everything changed. I just stayed out late a couple nights a week, they stopped caring.

Even though mentally and emotionally, they are still controlling and manipulative. I think it will change when the both of us move out.

 
Old 03-25-2010, 03:56 PM   #13
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Re: Strict parents

its just exausting. to be honest its just so inasive i cant deal with it. believe me i've tried everything. its horrible. but anyways good luck on ur movin out! i need to do that

 
Old 03-26-2010, 06:14 AM   #14
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Re: Strict parents

I just don't see your situation miraculously changing on its own. Meaning, your parents WILL NOT one day come to the realization that they are being controlling and disrespectful. Once YOU put your foot down, things will change. It has to. Unfortunately, you cannot control if it changes for better or for worse. You cant please you and your parents both!

Also, if they do trust you why do they feel the needs to go thru YOUR personal belongings and listen in on your conversations

Have you tried writing them a letter telling them how you feel?

 
Old 03-28-2010, 09:04 AM   #15
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Re: Strict parents

I just always feel like hopefully they will but, i feel so depressed in my house, im only ok when im out of the house and my parents dont respect me, my boyfriend or my friends. They say they go through my stuff because they dont like my boyfriend and they dont trust me with him. Which i dont understand bcz he is great, goes to school with his own place but i guess they r just against the fact that he is cape verdean and that really pisses me off.

 
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