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Old 11-01-2009, 08:04 PM   #1
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my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

My son and daughter in law just recently split up and I feel kind of caught in a catch 22 if I speak of what I truly feel to my daughter in law..I will try and make long story short..

My son(age24) and his wife(age 21) lost their home and was coming to stay w/ me for awhile til they got back on their feet(they also have 2 children ages 3&5)...Well, prior to them losing their home my nephew(age25) was staying with them, to give you an idea of what my nephew is likedoesn't work, into drugs, has nothing to do w/ his 1 yr old daughter, uses women and people,thinks he is a gangster )that should give you an idea of his ways....But, they felt sorry for him and took him in. After my mom had passed away and we had her memorial my brother and his wife came from North Carolina to attend her services and requested that their son(which is my nephew) go back w/ them and get his life straighten around......Well, I didn't know this, but he got a student loan(mind you w/ no intention of doing his online schooling, but spending money)...talked my son and his wife into coming to NC , he would foot their bill and staying at my brothers to also get their life a new start. My daughter in law is hooked on prescription pain killers and anything else she can get her hands onto...Even though I told her I would go to N-A classes w/ her, get her the help she needed but she wanted to go to NC...She told my son she was going w/ or w/ out him, and that if he wanted their marriage to work that he would do this..I knew he was not happy about going, but he wanted his marriage to work..

Well after many had told him that they did not trust his wife nor his cousins intentions he tried to hope for the best, Many had talked of him ruining others marriages w/ lies and making the woman feel as if he would treat her better, but after there she wouldn't look for work , wasn't helping w/ the kids, put a lot of things over on my niece which stays there as well, all she wanted to do was be around my nephew, but kept saying he is a good friend and she needed someone to talk to..Well after my son got tired of all of this he come right out and asked her what the deal was w/ him and her and she told him she had feeling for my nephew( a man she could never stand prior, always said he was worthless)....Well a huge fight blew up and at the time I was on the phone w/ my niece whom also lives w/ my brother and I heard it all, She told him he was stupid for forgiving her and that he has issues, my son forgave her the last time she left him for his best friends that also got her hooked on meth, and at that time which was 2 yrs ago she never seen the kids, my son and the kids came here to stay w/ me, she told him to take the kids and go back to Michigan she was done working on anything, that my son was nuts to think she would have anything to do w/ my nephew, and so forth...well they asked the children what they wanted and both stated they wanted to be with their dad....So they left and came back home..Since then we also found out that there is a good chance that she is pregnant,(which we questioned prior to them leaving) and now not knowing who is the father, then she is also still into drugs and further more because that is the lifestyle my nephew likes...My brother and his wife are afraid to kick her out although they say they don't agree w/ what took place but they fear their son will leave also, but to me they are going to kill one another anyways w/ their drug use...My brother wasn't home for the week all this went down they were on vacation. My daughter in law has them believing that she is clean now, that people back her made her do drugs and now she has a chance to change, which I have talked to her a few times and she is not clean, I've been around her when she didn't have any drugs for just 3 - 5 days and she would not be giggly and all happy as she acts now, she was flipping out on my son and the kids, but she tells my sister in law that she is gaining weight because she is healthy, she says her weight gain is from eating nothing more, but we all know the difference between gaining a healthy weight and gaining a pregnancy weight..She has only attempted to make about 4 calls in the past 3 weeks to her kids, plus the kids don't ask for her and the only time they bring up her name is if we mention it here, or ask them if they would like to call their mom, other than that they don't speak of their mom....

Now I am getting tired of the charade she is playing with these kids life and her lying and still using drugs and a chance that she could be carrying my grandchild..She tells everyone that my son just up and left and took the kids from her, which we all know is not true, but yet she doesn't fight to talk to them or anything, she even told my grandson that she would be home for the first day of school for him but she had no money to get home, well ,her parents, plus my brother all offered her to get back home, I made her tell him herself on the phone after that one that she wasn't going to be here for his first day of school so my grandson didn't think we was lying to him for any reason, although as much as i would like to tell him that his other grandparents will go and get mom but she won't come home, I say nothing....She blamed her parents for all the bad she does in life and now she blames my son as well...I have always looked at her like she was my own daughter and had a great relationship w/ her and we talked about lots of things, but yet now I don't know if I should speak up and tell her I know everything and that her own kids don't ask for her or even talk about her and let her know all of it straight up or just not say anything at all. She is digging at the bottom of the barrel and she is not being responsible at all, and right down stupid...maybe the marriage won't work but she can't divorce or act like she has no children..but I don't know whether to speak to her straight up.

I spoke w/ her mother a few days ago and told her I am worried that if she doesn't get help that she will only be coming home in a body bag and I don't want that to happen, but I also found out her parents were willing to go and pick her up and get her the help she needed also but she declined their help and is still lying to people about she is clean from drugs, her parents only knew half of the story and didn't know the facts as to what type of person my nephew is, as well as they didn't know he has a child that he is doing the same things as my daughter in law is, he even actually blamed his drug addiction onto his ex because she wouldn't take him back and give him his 10Th chance again, she don't want drugs around their child and he lied and sneaked drugs...My niece said she has now been stealing money from her purse, my nephew and daughter in law has used my nieces debit card w/ out permission, she won't go and look for work, she sleeps all day and gets up just before my brother and his wife get home from work and hurries and cleans the house so they don't know what she is really doing or what she is really like....She only talks of the kids to them if my sister in law brings the kids up and asks her how she can handle not having her kids with her..My son said he accepts the marriage is over even though he still loves her, but he would at least would like to have the kids have a relationship w/ their mom, but how can he when she is so screwed up and he does not feel comfortable w/ the kids and my nephew actually alone w/ the kids, he doesn't want to speak to her at all, he said it hurts bad enough and talking to her only ends up into a fight and he don't need that, he is trying to get his life in order and taking care of the kids....I don't know what to do, should I try and talk w/ her and be straight up or just sit back and say nothing beings I am only the mom,mother in law and grandmother...I don't know what the real end results will be and for any reason that they mend their marriage I don't want her to feel uncomfortable in the home w/ me because of me being straight up...I have always respected their privacy even if I didn't agree w/ what they were doing..I knew before they moved away that my daughter in law was not caring for the kids she would only sleep most of the day, unless she had to work and half the time she didn't show up for that either, which she worked for me and I gave her many chances..I kept telling her is she is depressed and wants off the drugs that she has to do it, no one can do it for her, but we were all here to help her get through it all....I'd even make sure that she could have time off from work to help herself. She actually when they moved screwed me up on getting replacement because I didn't get any advance warning as to their move.....I want to help her, I want to see her get better, and I would hate to see her lose her bond w/ her daughter as she did w/ her son after her last episode of finding someone new...I use to be able to speak to her openly and she respected that, but being she is there she is a little more cockier..She feels I am siding w/ my son, when in all reality I told him the straight facts of what I thought, and he is now in counseling, found a job, got his son enrolled in school and is even thinking about having the kids do family counseling...I see where he is trying, so I didn't push him away by being straight forward, but being she is not my actual daughter and under the influence of my nephew which upholds her drug use and does it with her and keeps her interested by her knowing he will get her drugs where as my son, put his foot down and said no more...she needed to get help...I don't know what to do.....Most moms would have reacted a lot differently to what she has done and not be so caring, but I don't think she realized that.....

Sorry so long, I tried to make it short but I wanted to be able to get a clearer picture for everyone of the situation,....

 
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Old 11-02-2009, 12:50 AM   #2
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

I don't know if she will listen to you if you talk with her. But I agree that you are entitled to speak. It would be better if you could talk with her personally, face-to-face, not on the phone, and express "favourable" things about her (although this may be difficult) rather than threatening her or scolding her all the way. Offer to listen to her as well. If you do have this conversation, speak in the name of your grandchildren, not of your son.

Last edited by pendulum; 11-02-2009 at 12:51 AM.

 
Old 11-02-2009, 11:05 AM   #3
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

Ultimately you cannot control her. No amount of talking to her is going to get her to wake up. She has to hit her own rock bottom and she probably isn't there yet. All you can do is make sure that the kids are well taken care of and keep them from as much of this drama as possible. You are a great Grandmother to take them in like you have.

My own mother is rasing my brother's three children due to their parents being on drugs and choosing the drugs over their own children. Unfortunately it happens all too often. The only other choice is to put them in foster care and no one wants that. You do have your son, their father their to help. He should be glad that, if she is going to act this way, that she is across the country and can't do it in front of the children.

 
Old 11-02-2009, 11:31 AM   #4
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

Shouldn't you contact Child Welfare Services? If she is so interested in drugs, you should go find a lawyer and get legal custody of those kids. That's the best thing you can do for them. Their mom doesn't care about them at all so hopefully a judge will realize you will be a better parent and therefore you get to raise them instead of her.

Maybe she will realize that you're serious about this if you get custody of her kids? Unless she really doesn't care about them in which case it's her loss. She never should have gotten pregnant in the first place if she is such a total screwup.

 
Old 11-03-2009, 03:43 AM   #5
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

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Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
Shouldn't you contact Child Welfare Services? If she is so interested in drugs, you should go find a lawyer and get legal custody of those kids. That's the best thing you can do for them. Their mom doesn't care about them at all so hopefully a judge will realize you will be a better parent and therefore you get to raise them instead of her.

Maybe she will realize that you're serious about this if you get custody of her kids? Unless she really doesn't care about them in which case it's her loss. She never should have gotten pregnant in the first place if she is such a total screwup.
Child welfare won't do anything, it's just a hear say and they said she is out of state. But, my son has contacted the local social services and is pushing child support so he has something to protect the kids to show they are in his custody. He doesn't have any money to file for anything right now. The person I am seeing now I never knew, she has done some crazy stuff before, but this is just different. My son the last time took the kids and pushed the same thing, but unfortunately her main drug lover went to jail so she returned to him and the kids....Which, I try to stay out of their personal affairs, but he should have walked away and stayed away at that time..but, he wanted and hope to end up w/ a good family..

 
Old 11-03-2009, 04:28 PM   #6
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

What if your son went to court (that's free) and filed papers to show that his wife and mother of his children is living out of state? At least it would be on court records that could possibly lead to the fact the his wife is an unfit mother.

As far as you doing anything, the only thing you can do is be there for your son and grandchildren. Your daughter-in-law is an addict, whether it's alcoholic or narcotics, no difference as both are addicting and change one's personality as well as thinking. Your son may benefit by attending Al-Anon or whatever the name of the group is for spouses of drug addicts.

I wish you and your family the best,
Sunny

 
Old 11-04-2009, 04:55 AM   #7
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

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Originally Posted by sunnyrise View Post
What if your son went to court (that's free) and filed papers to show that his wife and mother of his children is living out of state? At least it would be on court records that could possibly lead to the fact the his wife is an unfit mother.

As far as you doing anything, the only thing you can do is be there for your son and grandchildren. Your daughter-in-law is an addict, whether it's alcoholic or narcotics, no difference as both are addicting and change one's personality as well as thinking. Your son may benefit by attending Al-Anon or whatever the name of the group is for spouses of drug addicts.

I wish you and your family the best,
Sunny

That's what I have been trying to do, but I just found out that she has a letter for me and one of the things that is in the letter that She hopes I take good care of her babies that she is done, so needless to say she wrote her children off now....I haven't got the letter yet, but my brother got to see some of the things in the letter and told me about it...So maybe as a mom and a grandmother I should respond or just take the letter to Friend of the court and let them see that she don't want them anymore..What she don't realize is that my son will be raising them, not me....

 
Old 11-04-2009, 02:01 PM   #8
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

Hi again dolejaly,

I hope you receive that letter soon.. Yes, I would take the letter to court just for the record. It can't hurt right?

It's just so sad what drugs/alcohol can do to a person.. During my years of getting sober from alcohol I met plenty of people through AA and other places, wow, half the people I knew died from overdosing.. Yet when I read a story such as yours it makes me feel so sad how a mother could abandon her children for drugs.. What a choice!

I wish the best for you, your son, and your grandchildren.

Keep us updated okay?
Sunny

 
Old 11-05-2009, 05:17 AM   #9
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

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Hi again dolejaly,

I hope you receive that letter soon.. Yes, I would take the letter to court just for the record. It can't hurt right?

It's just so sad what drugs/alcohol can do to a person.. During my years of getting sober from alcohol I met plenty of people through AA and other places, wow, half the people I knew died from overdosing.. Yet when I read a story such as yours it makes me feel so sad how a mother could abandon her children for drugs.. What a choice!

I wish the best for you, your son, and your grandchildren.

Keep us updated okay?
Sunny
Thank you for your kind words, I feel so bad for the children. The letter should be quite interesting. I am sure at one time or another there has been many moments for parents that just say " I wish I could just run away from it all"...But, they don't do it. I get frustrated w/ my life, but leaving my children is not an option what so ever, I couldn't live w/ myself or be able to stand being away from them not watching them grow. I really thought the world of my daughter in law, and I have never seen this side of her to this extremes, even last time she kept a little bit of contact w/ her kids, not the greatest I might add, but to just figure if she lives in another state that she can just start over and forget the life she had here.....I lost any respect I had for that girl..I am just glad that my son both times walked out the door w/ the kids, at least I know they are taken care of......I should get my letter in a day or two, I will keep you all posted on what her letters says....Thanks again for all your support...

Oh I just found out that she did find a job, unfortunate for her that my niece is going to give my son the address to her new job so she can at least help support them.....My niece does not uphold the actions my daughter in law is doing at all and is willing to do what ever it takes to help my son....

 
Old 11-11-2009, 08:20 AM   #10
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

I received the letter and so did her two children each one had one from her, well it looks as if she changed the initial letter she was sending to me because the wording was different than I was told, she must have clamed down....But, she did state in the letter that she would not be coming back ever and that she wants her life there now..In one of the children's letters she made it clear that she will not be seeing them for the holidays or anything, but no real explanation.....

She had actually asked me if I would round up her belongings(clothes, pictures,etc) and she would have someone come and get them, well, in my opinion that is between her and my son and is not for me to do...Besides why would I want to send her any pics when she basically has now not called her kids for 3 weeks and is living like she never had children....My 3 yr old granddaughter has a fear of abandonment now and is constantly asking me and her dad if we are going to leave her, not to mention I can not go anywhere unless she is with me and her dad can't hardly leave the house because she is afraid dad won't come back.

The past few days my granddaughter keeps talking of the day it all went down and how she told mom she wanted to come back to grandmas w/ daddy and mom got mad.....My grandson tells his younger sister that mom won't be coming back. I wish i knew how I could help my grand kids because i know it is hard on them, but I want so bad to write my daughter in law a letter, not be nasty or anything, but to at least state what I think about her choice in drugs,.a man, over her kids and what these kids will always think.....But, so far I have not responded to her letter.....

 
Old 11-15-2009, 07:08 AM   #11
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

I tried to write a letter to my daughter in law as a response from her initial letter this morning, but by the time I got to the second paragraph I found myself angry and thought it was best I not write at this time....But, it burns me every time my granddaughter speaks of her and says "mama's not coming back"?....Both my grand kids have gotten ill this week w/ the flu and now my granddaughter is running a temp and i know she wants her mom, but is settling for grandma, that is so unfair to her...

Part of me really wants to rip my daughter in law a new one, and part of me wants to just say nothing, thinking that it is for the best that she isn't around them to subject them to her lifestyle....I don't know.....

She still has not called to check on the kids or talk to them...

 
Old 11-15-2009, 09:25 AM   #12
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

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Originally Posted by dolejaly View Post
I tried to write a letter to my daughter in law as a response from her initial letter this morning, but by the time I got to the second paragraph I found myself angry and thought it was best I not write at this time....But, it burns me every time my granddaughter speaks of her and says "mama's not coming back"?....Both my grand kids have gotten ill this week w/ the flu and now my granddaughter is running a temp and i know she wants her mom, but is settling for grandma, that is so unfair to her...

Part of me really wants to rip my daughter in law a new one, and part of me wants to just say nothing, thinking that it is for the best that she isn't around them to subject them to her lifestyle....I don't know.....

She still has not called to check on the kids or talk to them...
All of this is so terrible. I just can't find words to share. This is so unfair for you (at your age, whatever it is) and for the kids themselves. I mean, she will regret one day what she is doing now. And you know, you must be prepared for the shock of your grandchildren forgiving her. Things like this do happen.

Well, if she has a job, it is only fair that she sends in some money for the kids. Take it.

I hope you will be strong and healthy enough to go through this. Important thing, though: don't educate these kids in the anger you feel and are entitled to feel for their mother. In this case, it is best to ignore her for the most part.

 
Old 11-15-2009, 11:56 AM   #13
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

This is all so very sad, it almost brings tears to my eyes.. Yet being a recovering addict myself (alcohol), I have seen so much and yes, addicts abandoning their children...

I wouldn't do anything at all. No writing letters, nothing. I would stay out of it completely as far as your DIL and just give your grandchildren as much love as you can.. This is between your son and his addict wife.

Hang in there okay?
Sunny

 
Old 11-22-2009, 09:26 AM   #14
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

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All of this is so terrible. I just can't find words to share. This is so unfair for you (at your age, whatever it is) and for the kids themselves. I mean, she will regret one day what she is doing now. And you know, you must be prepared for the shock of your grandchildren forgiving her. Things like this do happen.

Well, if she has a job, it is only fair that she sends in some money for the kids. Take it.

I hope you will be strong and healthy enough to go through this. Important thing, though: don't educate these kids in the anger you feel and are entitled to feel for their mother. In this case, it is best to ignore her for the most part.

Oh yes definitely they will forgive her, most children do even w/ parents that do much worse to their children. Although I did see she finally made a call in to them yesterday, well my son now has decided that she has what she so fought for(her youth, and fun land) and that he now is decided that she is not going to come in and out of the children's life as she feels it is adequate, which is only a phone call, but once ever 2 months because she gets lonely he feels is only hurting the kids...I don't place my input in there w/ it being I don't know what is right or wrong for them..All I know is this was not the daughter in law I knew and she was an addict before they moved away.....But, I am seeing something w/ my grandchildren I never seen before: not living in fear of asking for attention....

I never speak good nor bad of their mom and keep my personal opinion from them as in time they will have their own opinion and I will respect that.

My niece which was living there up until just a couple of days ago has 3 children in which my daughter in law from what I've been told had replaced her children with my nieces, well, my niece now moved back to the state we live in, now my daughter in law has only her new b/f(my nephew) and her drugs...See how long she lasts I guess.....I do hope she gets the help she states she is receiving there and will grow up, but in the mean time all I can do is be there for my grandchildren.....

 
Old 11-22-2009, 09:37 AM   #15
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Re: my daughter in law walked out on my grandchildren for drugs..what to do?

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This is all so very sad, it almost brings tears to my eyes.. Yet being a recovering addict myself (alcohol), I have seen so much and yes, addicts abandoning their children...

I wouldn't do anything at all. No writing letters, nothing. I would stay out of it completely as far as your DIL and just give your grandchildren as much love as you can.. This is between your son and his addict wife.

Hang in there okay?
Sunny

Yes, that is all I can do. Thanks.....I've tried to respect what ever my son wants to do w/ the whole situation. I don't really apply much advice to him as far as his marriage goes, but what I do give advice is how he can better himself and how he can better him and his life w/ the children. I don't know what the outcome will be, heck they could end up back together for all I know, so I just try and say nothing, that is how I knew when I went to respond to her letter I knew it was just better to stop, being I was upset. I know she asked me to round up some of her stuff(clothing, pics, etc), but again that is something between her and my son, not me and I don't want involved...I just want to make my grandchildren comfortable w/ their life right now....

But, being the mother and grandmother sometimes it just eats at a person...

Last edited by dolejaly; 11-22-2009 at 09:38 AM.

 
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