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Old 11-04-2009, 11:46 AM   #1
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I want to abandon a friend in distress...

My best friend's ex g/f has anorexia. I was manipulated by him into taking on her problem and trying to help her fix it because he was worried about her.

After a weekend where she hooked up with one of his friends, he got upset with his friend for betraying him and she felt guilty when they were no longer friends, even though he remained friends with her.

She hurt herself over the guilt and I spent 3 days talking to her and researching counseling and options for anorexia so she could get professional help. She didn't want to do anything about it but she was happy to dump her problems on me without any indication of a desire to change. She went to counseling and saw a doctor however she lies to the doctor and drinks lots of water to manipulate her weight. I am sick of dealing with her attitude of not wanting to get help, or sabotaging efforts to get help. She maintains her relationship with my best friend against my advice due to how both of them get upset over it, in her town she knows other people but is closest to him and thus uses him for support.

He recently suffered a loss in the family and I feel i need to support him in his time of grief. I have not lived in the same city as the girl for more than two months and so although we get along very well, we only had a brief friendship.

I got sick of both of them contacting me with their problems with each other and turned my phone off and made excuses for why I was difficult to contact. I have decided I need to cut off my relationship with the girl and try to support my best friend. He cheated on her and she knows a little bit, but tries to manipulate information out of me even though it's been two years. I feel like my friendship with both of them is a conflict of interest because I know the truth and she doesn't but suspects things and milks me for information. With that in mind it's difficult to be supportive of her in issues which involve him, and she continues to participate in dramas involving him.

On one hand it sucks to abandon a friend in distress, but I think a relationship needs to be strong to survive things like this. I don't feel like I am an appropriate person to be taking on her problems and even if I was she is so resistant to doing anything about them I would lose my patience quickly and burn out. I worry what will happen to her if i distance myself but I think it will get worse if I don't. I don't have the patience any more.

 
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Old 11-04-2009, 12:55 PM   #2
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Re: I want to abandon a friend in distress...

I don't blame you.....she's not your responsibility.
They both sound manipulative and it's best you get out of the middle.....

 
Old 11-05-2009, 10:25 AM   #3
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Re: I want to abandon a friend in distress...

Well, you can not change her behavior, and it sounds like she is manipulating you. She needs to WANT to change, which you seem to recognize. It is not abandonment to leave an unhealthy situation. And if your male friend is upset over it, just let him know that you feel extremely conflicted and that you don't appreciate her pumping you for information, and does he really want you to spill the beans to her? Maybe he will realize that you can't be her saviour. If not, he's not a true friend.

 
Old 11-05-2009, 11:30 AM   #4
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Re: I want to abandon a friend in distress...

It doesn't sound like either of them are very good friends. If he really cared about you, the guy wouldn't put you in the middle by cheating on her and then asking you to be her friend but then hide this fact from her. If you were any kind of friend of hers you would have told her that her boyfriend is playing her for a fool.

I myself was in a similar situation. My boy friend at the time shared a house with a guy who was seeing this girl who didn't like staying at the house alone while she waited for them to come home, she had some issues from a bad childhood that she was still struggling with, so he tried to sweet talk me into waiting with her, hangin out with her, befriending her just enough to make it easier for him to see her, but also hide from her the fact that he cheated on her every chance he got. My boyfriend told me to just keep my mouth shut because he had to live with the guy and didn't want to rock the boat. I was so torn, it was hell. She found out herself by finding a picture of this guy and another woman and she confronted my boyfriend while her guy was at work and my boyfriend broke down and told her everything. She went ballistic and pulled a potted plant up, trashed his room, punched the wall and cut her knuckles all up. My boyfriend called me and I had to leave work early and calm her down, hide all the knives, we took her to lunch, I bandaged her knuckles, man, DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. Which all could have been avoided if I had just had the stones to say "look, he's a bad guy, don't waste your time." Fortunately, she was a great person and forgave me for not being totally up front with the truth, realized the situation I was in, and they broke up, she married a great guy and moved to another state, and we parted on very good terms.

Anorexia is nothing to play around with. People die from it. I gotta say, I think your "friend" is a total tool for messing with her head, cheating on her, lying to her when he knows she's in such a delicate, fragile emotional state. He obviously doesn't care how much pain and harm he inflicts on her. That's why he's enlisted you, to care for him. He wants to dally around with her, and if anything bad happens to her, it's your fault, because he's made YOU the one responsible. And of course, being very manipulative is a vig part of any eating disorder. It's all about controlling as much around you as you can, so naturally she's manipulative as well.

Get yourself out of the middle. Sit them both down and be totally honest with them. "She's sick and not addressing it and I don't want to be the one who's around when she faints, collapses, goes into cardiac arrest, that's just more drama than I am prepared to deal with. And he's my friend, I'm not here to spy on him for you or rat him out to you so stop asking me to. My loyalty is with him, not you. If you think he's cheating or has cheated on you, then you shouldn't even still be friends with him. And if you can't be around her without causing more harm to her emotional state, being untrustworthy and not caring about her well being, then you shouldn't be friends with her. You two need to deal with the issues between the two of you yourselves and stop putting me in the middle." And then stick to it. If either or both get mad at you, then really it's no big loss. She needs to get her head on straight and be around people who truly care about her anyway. Family and real friends, not some guy who used her like a hunk of warm meat for a while and his buddy.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 11-05-2009 at 11:39 AM.

 
Old 11-06-2009, 03:31 PM   #5
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Re: I want to abandon a friend in distress...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I
Anorexia is nothing to play around with. People die from it. I gotta say, I think your "friend" is a total tool for messing with her head, cheating on her, lying to her when he knows she's in such a delicate, fragile emotional state. He obviously doesn't care how much pain and harm he inflicts on her. That's why he's enlisted you, to care for him. He wants to dally around with her, and if anything bad happens to her, it's your fault, because he's made YOU the one responsible. And of course, being very manipulative is a vig part of any eating disorder. It's all about controlling as much around you as you can, so naturally she's manipulative as well.
Wow. What an interesting insight. I wonder how many times this has happened in my life and I've missed it, just blindly accepting the responsibility almost as if it's some sort of life bonus. I must remember this piece of wisdom.

 
Old 11-07-2009, 09:53 AM   #6
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Re: I want to abandon a friend in distress...

I agree...it's time to cut the strings that bind you to these two people. I would write down the speech that LLMs made, tell them that and then block them from calling my phone! I know this sounds harsh, but this is not your responsiblity.
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Old 11-09-2009, 01:08 AM   #7
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Smile Re: I want to abandon a friend in distress...

Thank you for your responses everyone, particularly your insight Larrylou'smom, I felt like you understood the situation very well and you gave me some of the best more detailed advice I have gotten on this issue, (I have been actively discussing the situation with people around me). I think your speech is considerate and expresses well what I want to say. Thank you for that.

The situation escalated and some things happened but now her mother is involved and moved in with her. I am no longer involved and I think and feel that is the best thing. It turns out she lied completely about going to see anyone at all so she was completely manipulating the situation to get me to feed her what she wanted. I am not equipped to deal with this and pretending I was, because I felt like I needed to help, was dangerous and unhelpful.

I was skeptical posting here would shed light on the situation beyond what I had considered myself. I am glad I was wrong. Thank you for your support everyone. I hope other people in similar situations might also read this and learn from it like I have.

Thank you again.

 
Old 11-09-2009, 07:20 AM   #8
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Re: I want to abandon a friend in distress...

Oh good, I'm so glad her mother has stepped in. Hopefully they have a fairly close relationship. She needs someone who really knows and deeply loves her and who won't be easily manipulated by her to take some command. I do wish her well and hope she gets the help she needs.

In the meantime, you're out of the middle, and that's good, too. Just be wary of letting this guy or anyone else for that matter, put you there again. Glad we could be of help.

 
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