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Old 11-07-2009, 01:00 PM   #1
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What's wrong with me...please help me.

WARNING: It's a little long but please help me.

6 months ago, I started a new relationship with someone who was a "Friend" and now, he's gone back to a girlfriend that I just found out wasn't really his ex. I'm 25 and he is 3 years younger than me. I just started dating people. All 23 years of my life were spent on focusing on school. I had my first real relationship when I was 24 and got my heart shattered. I never thought I would love someone else again but I let this new guy in. This friend and I used to talk about everything cos he was in love with an acquaintance of mine who was now with my ex who broke my heart. He gave up on trying to get with her. He also told me about his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him with another guy and he forgave her and then she did it again. So, he ended things with her.

He confirmed after moving to another city that he had developed feelings for me. And I knew I like him a lot but I didn't want a committed relationship with anyone anymore. He would send me long love texts and we would chat all the time. It was like we were the same person cos we would complete each other's sentences, when he's trying to call me, I'm sending him a text and we would both be online and want to talk to each other but not know how to start but we would eventually start typing at the same time. We agreed to meet in Beijing which was a neutral city for us and spent 4 days together where he told me that he loved me and asked me to let him into my heart and be in a relationship with him. I realized that my feelings for him were a lot stronger than I had thought so, I let him in. I didn't tell him that I loved him too cos I wasn't sure if that was what I was feeling. We went back to our respective cities and he was officially my Boyfriend.

I went away for the summer and we would talk about many things including our future. He even was looking to go to a school in my city so he could be closer to me. Halfway into my vacation, I saw messages on his Facebook page from his ex saying that: "She loves him too" and "When is he coming to marry her". I confronted him and at first he denied having anything to do with her anymore. Then he confessed that he sent her an offline messenger message. He acted like I was being crazy. But in my experience, when someone says I love you too, it implies that the other person has said I love you. He confessed that his ex was acting nuts cos she was trying to get back together with him. I told him to think about it and make a choice. The entire summer he was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One second, he's telling me how much he misses me and can't wait to be with me; trying to make me feel better and the next second, he's being cold and pushing me away. I confronted him about that and he apologized and remained the nice guy that I fell in love with. I didn't tell him how I felt because I decided that he deserved to hear it from me in person instead of on the phone because I remembered how it felt to see his face and hear him say it and know it was genuine.

When I got back, he was nice and loving for the first week. Then he went back to being insulting and cold. I asked him about it and it said he'd been watching House MD and it was probably affecting his behavior and he was sorry. After 3 weeks of being back, he went back to the same behavior. I started to feel that he didn't want to be together anymore. He would promise to come and visit me but would come up with an excuse of why he couldn't come. I would send him love messages about how I felt about him and he would respond "Aww" or "That's sweet". It was strange because the old him would write something nice back. He was different and I got tired of it. I eventually asked him if there was something he wanted to tell me cos I felt there was a cloud hanging over us. He told me that he didn't want to do this anymore and that there was someone else in the picture. I let him go. But he would still call, text and IM me calling me "Baby", "Sweetie" and other "Affectionate Names".

We got back together. I assumed he'd ended things with the other person who's identity I still didn't know. He still didn't come to visit after promising to come again. I made fun of the situation with his friends that were also supposed to have been coming telling them that they were keeping my man away from me and I was going to smack them when I saw them. For whatever reason, he got really angry about it and we had a huge fight about it. I was broken and a mutual friend of ours decided to confront him about what was happening because I had been crying non-stop for days but she ended up insulting him. After a week, I couldn't understand why we were fighting so, I decided to be the bigger person and start a conversation to get to root of the fight. Turns out that there was a misunderstanding somewhere. We were okay for sometime and then he went back to acting strange and I asked him if he wanted us to end things. He said yes. I basically spent an hour begging him not to leave me. He didn't change his mind. So, I hung up the phone and started crying. After 15 minutes, he called and apologized and said that he had changed his mind and I should stop crying. He then promised to come over the next day.

Anyway, he showed up eventually and promised to stay a week.I had planned to show him how much I loved him throughout that week by being the ultimate girlfriend. The moment I saw him, the look on his face was one of contempt. So, it threw me off. I eventually shrugged it off by telling myself that he was just tired cos of a 13 hour train ride. That week, there were times where he was nice, sweet and the man I was with in Beijing. But there were times where he wasn't interested in being around me and he kept holding on to his phone like his life depended on it. He even woke up one morning frantically searching for his phone as if he was going to miss a million dollar phone call. After 3 days, I couldn't take it anymore. When he was sleeping, I checked his messages to find out what was so interesting to him and found messages to his ex-girlfriend...the one that cheated on him twice with the same girl. He had been sending her the type of love text messages he used to send me. I cried myself to sleep that night.

The following morning, he got a call from her and I could tell it was her cos they were talking about things I saw in the last message I had read on his phone. I ran out of the room and went to a friend's place to cry and get myself composed. I then went back to the room and acted like nothing had happened. He couldn't stand not knowing what was wrong with me cos he could tell I had been crying. He eventually asked and I told him that I knew who he was talking to but didn't understand why he was with her. He then shocked me by telling me that he had never left her and she'd always been in his heart. He said he couldn't just end things with her because they had been dating for 4 years and he couldn't just walk out of her life. I was shocked because he had cheated TWICE and 5months before he had told me that he didn't want to have anything to do with her. He then said that she had moved on with someone else and he couldn't stand the thought of her being with someone else so, he'd gotten back together with her.

He told me that he cared about me and he wanted to be friends. I couldn't accept it. Anyway, we eventually stayed together for the rest of the week and he's feelings changed from telling me that he cared about me to telling me that he had feelings for me and eventually telling me that he loved me. I told him that I loved him too. He even went on to tell his ex that he had feelings for me. I thought that I had accomplished what I set out to do which was to show him how much I loved him and making him fall back in love with me. I was wrong because he went back to his city and told me that he'd decided to stay with the ex. He still kept talking to me and calling me girlfriend names. I then asked him what he was doing. He said he was going to stay with her but he wanted to be my friend.

This week was the final straw. He called and was at first talking to me like his girlfriend and then when I started responding as his girlfriend, he switched over to telling me that he just wanted to be friends. He'd been confusing me this way for almost a month. So, I went off on him telling me that we couldn't be friends and I needed time to get over him. I told him that he couldn't have his cake and eat it too. I know that's what I should have done from the time we officially broke up a month ago. So, why do I feel like crap? Why am I still missing him? Why can't I sleep without crying for hours? Why can't I get over him? Why did I try to chat with him today only to get shutdown by him telling me that we shouldn't be talking? What's wrong with me? Please help me. I don't want to live like this, I don't want to be depressed and sad anymore...I just want to be happy.

 
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Old 11-07-2009, 03:11 PM   #2
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Re: What's wrong with me...please help me.

I think it will just take some time. There's nothing "wrong" with you. You've judt has a dream shattered. And you still love the man you were hoping he'd be, the man you thought you saw glimmers of once in a while. You still want that man, and it's hard to wrap your mind around the fact that that man doesn't really exist.

You have a couple of misconceptions. Being the "ultimate girlfriend" doesn't mean showering love, devotion and affection on a man who hasn't earned it. Do you think the woman who has him now did that? Heck no. She spends all HER time showing him what a great catch SHE is. How she is where the party's at, that she can take him or leave him, that she wants him, for now, but doesn't NEED him, and I'd bet my last dollar she never, EVER begged him for anything. Men love confidence. Men run from desperation like the plague.

You loved the man you were hoping he'd be more than you loved ourself, that's all. You've got to learn to value yourself more, that's all.

 
Old 11-07-2009, 05:32 PM   #3
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Re: What's wrong with me...please help me.

This man is playing a game with you. His ex girlfriend has some kind of hold on him that you simply can't compete with....not to say she is nicer, sweeter, prettier...or better in any way. She just does it for him. Now is the time to let this go...It's been over.

HOW do you feel better? It takes time.

Good Luck
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Old 11-08-2009, 02:45 AM   #4
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Re: What's wrong with me...please help me.

Well, as far as I can see there is nothing wrong with you: you have done what was right and proper and your reaction to the end of this relationship is perfectly natural. Perhaps your only mistake was to have put all your eggs in one basket, but what do I know? Probably that is the way relationships work for most women at your age. They tend to invest too much into their relationship, as if the current man were the last one on earth.

I think you might need a little revenge on this guy. Lol, I am kidding, but honestly he made a fool of you, so your best "revenge" on him is to totally ignore him from now on, as if he were dead and gone. Don't give him another chance of even approaching you. He will certainly ache for your attention. It may be hard for you to do it, but that is your revenge, or if you prefer, your duty to yourself, a matter of self-honour.

 
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