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Old 11-13-2009, 11:32 PM   #1
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He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

I've started dating someone new after ending a relationship with someone who had no time for me and was always too busy. I've been seeing this new guy for about 2 months. I wasn't crazy about him on date 1 but started to like him after date 2, now 2 months later, the last time we were together I felt very connected to him and started to feel a growing sense of emotion for him.

He's a single dad of two kids in their early teens, and lives about an hour drive from me. Just since I met him I've been exceedingly busy but we've managed to see each other about 2 a week and whenever I'm coming back into town from a trip. From the start, he let me take the initiative, I would call him and he said he liked me to call him a lot. His wife ran off and left him with the 2 kids about 4 years ago and he says he has been in 2 relationships since then. I kind of felt like he liked me to initiate and I'm comfortable with it. He always comes to my place and we go out to dinner and on weekends he'll stay over. I"ve had so much going on that I usually have to run off some where the day after he stays over and at times, he has to leave early to get back to his kids. I've apologized for the craziness but he says he appreciates that I have a full life and that I do my own thing and don't depend on him.

When he's here, he's very affectionate with me. We have a whole lot of sex and it's wonderful. He kisses me deeply and in the mornings he wraps his arms around me or wraps mine around him. He says that he loves being here with me that he loves talking to me, he loves that we have such amazing conversations, he loves waking up next to me. I have begun to feel the same things and I told him that I love sleeping next to him and waking up with him. Last time we were together, we were both so busy but he came up to see me on a sunday. On monday night I had to travel for the rest of the week and he asked me to call and email him. When I spoke with him I told him that I wanted him to know that the last time we were together that I felt very connected to him and very close to him.

Problem is, he's weird on the phone, kind of cold. He didn't really reciprocate, he just said good, well let's reconnect when you get home. I travel so much and I feel lonely on the road sometimes and lonely when I first get home. I want to talk to him but if I'm not here, he's not so good about returning my calls. He's decent about it when he knows I'm here. The last few times that I left him a message but tell him that I'm still out of town or getting in late, he never calls me back. I know he probably doesn't understand how badly I want him to just call or leave me a message so I know he's there and cares. I told him that I feel alone a lot of times when I travel but I've tried not to sound too pathetic or needy.

I get a little paranoid about lack of communication. Does he really mean what he says when we're together, is he really that interested in me and am I selfish to want him to call me when I want and need to hear his voice and am I silly to get upset when he doesn't call back when he knows I'm not in town. I want him to persue me more, make me feel that he wants me more. I feel it when we're together but my busy schedule and the distance makes me worry when I don't hear from him that maybe he resents my business, maybe he's really not that into me. I realize we are quite different, I'm an international jet setting business woman, no kids and he's more of a home body Dad but he has traveled a good bit. However, we do have great conversations, we connect but in spirit and physically. He's quite intelligent and very attractive, but he was married to a woman that he said was a bore, they never had anything to talk about and she cheated on him the last few years they were together and he knew and did nothing about it.

Is he just really passive or maybe not that interested. I'm starting to feel emotions for him and I don't want to get too deep into it if he's not that into it.

 
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Old 11-14-2009, 06:57 AM   #2
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Re: He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

Well, you say you have great conversations when you're in town. Do you ever talk on the phone just to talk, and not to arrange a get together when you're in town? IF so, that's a good sign. If the only time he wants to talk to you is when he knows it's going to lead to his getting his hands on you, that's not so good. If he's got an "out of town, out of mind" kind of attitude, that's not so good, either.

He sounds like he's got a lot of baggage, a lot of things he hasn't really moved on from. Take it slow. Two months just is not nearly enough time to know whether a guy is long term material or not. Staying longer to find out may be risky, and may be putting your heart on the line, but I think you're getting ahead of yourself a little bit here. If he's great to be around, the sex is great, and there's a connection, enjoy it for what it is for as long as it lasts. Women are home and hearth nurturers and men are hunters and gatherers. It's only natural for women to want to be pursued, to feel wanted, and it's only natural for men to want to pursue. I'll admit, the fact that he doesn't want to pursue you, wants you to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship, and puts you out of his mind when you're out of town, are red flags. It could be he's just scared to risk chasing after someone only to be rejected, but if he wants a serious long term relationship he's going to have to get over that. At some point he's going to have to show you that you're wanted, and missed when you're not there. maybe in time he'll grow more secure in the relationship and be able to do that. Maybe he won't. Maybe he'll always be scared. Maybe he likes a girl who has "her own life" because he's got other girls in his. I don't know. Anything's possible at this point. Which is why two months just isn't enough time to be getting so serious about him. You have no idea really what his story is.

Continue to enjoy his company, have lots of SAFE sex, call him when you feel like it, if you feel talking to him while you're out of town will make you feel lonley and sad, then don't call him when you're gone. Take care of your own emotional needs, and don't count on him to. Go down to the hotel lounge and have a drink, rent a movie, or call a family member, a good friend or someone who you KNOW WILL want to talk to you and will be glad to hear from you. If he asks why you stopped calling him from the road, tell him why honestly, just like you told us here. Enjoy the relationship for the good it has to offer for now. But it's too early to be thinking long term.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 11-14-2009 at 07:09 AM.

 
Old 11-14-2009, 09:12 AM   #3
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Re: He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

Sorry to say this straightaway, but his saying that his ex was a bore really sounds to me unfair. It would have much better for him to avoid talking about her, but then again if he had to, he'd be better to say only neutral things, such as: "We didn't get along together well..." She may be a bore, but that is ex-bashing, and after all she is the mother of his two kids (she bore him his two kids) and her being a bore is something that only concerned the couple. Maybe she, too, found him to be a bore, so she cheated on him...

That said, I agree with LLM that two months is still too early to look at this relationship seriously. However, there are clearly some obstacles to making this relationship work well and become long-term: you have different priorities - his are his kids, and yours is your international career. I don't think either of you would be willing to give up their priority for the love of the other, would you?

Maybe he has noticed this gap from the very beginning, and maybe that is why he appears to be hot and cold. He wants to enjoy your company, the moments he spends with you, but he knows that he can't expect more. There is yet another possibility: some people hate talking on the phone. Speaking on the phone is an ordeal for them. They change completely when they are on the phone, and you hardly recognize them. Maybe this is one of the reasons for his "coldness".

Well, enjoy yourself for as long as it lasts. Well, actually I am not saying that it won't last - mind you - I am just identifying a few obstacles for it to become lasting. Possibly you two will be able to find a way of overcoming together these obstacles when the demand will come to you.

Last edited by pendulum; 11-14-2009 at 11:01 AM.

 
Old 11-14-2009, 09:48 AM   #4
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Re: He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

Maybe try not calling him for a week or two, and see what happens. I know, you want to talk to him, but you're never going to know how into the relationship he is if you always do all the calling. If you don't call for a couple of weeks and he never gets around to calling you, I think you have your answer.
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Old 11-15-2009, 02:16 PM   #5
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Re: He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

Well he called me yesterday and asked me out to dinner so we went out, had a great time and he stayed over. I am chemically incredibly drawn to this man, he gives me chills, i haven't felt this with anyone else recently. I hate feeling like this, it makes me so vulnerable because I overlook any other faults he might have and just think he's the one because of the chemistry element. I think he's entitled to criticize his ex, she cheated on him and then left him and her children. And yes, maybe long-term he could be a bore. Sexually, he initiates and he's all over me but he runs out of energy and always wants me on top, he will literally roll me over and put me on top, he says his legs get tired! every time, it's weird but still very good.

I tried to get him to talk about his perspective on relationships and got a little insight into what he is at least saying, which is that he never worries about being alone or finding love again, he knows he has something to offer and a lot of other guys in his situation are messed up. I didn't really like that, it sounded waaay too over confident. I just can't figure out how he could say that but stay with a woman who is cheating, not do anything about it, even have her say to him, that he's not even trying anymore (he told me that). It's all weird, but he is confident and or maybe just covering up for insecurities with confidence. I am confident but I do worry about finding love again, very much.

 
Old 11-15-2009, 03:10 PM   #6
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Re: He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

He may be entitled to criticize his ex for what she did to him and the kids, but calling her a bore is something too personal. It suggest that this could be a mutual opinion and worse, that he might call you a bore, too, if you become an ex some day. I know I sound like a party pooper, but to me constant criticizing one's exes and in particular calling them names is a red flag.

 
Old 11-15-2009, 03:26 PM   #7
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Re: He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

Why is it a red flag Pendulum? I'm not trying to sound smart or anything, I just really want to know why? I thought it was normal, especially if someone hurts you like that. I also need to learn these thing, I'm bad at spotting red flags, especially when I'm ga ga over someone in the beginning. Although I don't talk that way about my ex, ever. When he asked me about my marriage and asked me if I had interesting conversations with my ex, I told him yes, that I was very happy for about 6 years, that we had a wonderful marriage and we talked all the time about everything, which is true. And I stopped there, didn't say anything further.

He is friends with the man that his wife left him for and apparently she is now cheating on this man and he calls my guy all the time to ask him if he should leave her. Isn't this just a tad dysfunctional? Or is it sweet that everyone gets along. Please anyone, any help spotting red flags early on is so appreciated, I'm terrible at it.

 
Old 11-16-2009, 02:55 AM   #8
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Re: He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

I don't believe you are terrible at it, lol.

Speaking once about one's ex is enough. If he keeps bringing up issues about his ex and especially if he keeps calling her bad names (she is not there to defend herself) - that is not only boring, but also unbecoming for a gentleman. It also shows that he is not totally done with his past. How can he move on with so much anger?

I don't know if this is the exact case for this man. I am speaking here in theory, you know.

 
Old 11-16-2009, 04:49 AM   #9
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Re: He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

I don't think him calling his ex boring is that big of a deal. So he thinks she was boring, so what? I don't understand why that would be a red flag. One of my ex's was boring too, he would rather sit and play video games or watch stupid sci fi movies than to go out and do fun things with me, so yes he was very boring.

The fact that she cheated on him and left him with the kids is another reason why he is justified in disliking her very strongly. There are a lot of worse things he could have said about her, and I really think calling her boring is really mild in comparison!

I'd be more worried about him never being the one to initiate contact. That's the part that would leave me concerned. I agree that you should conduct the experiment to not call for a while and see what happens. Maybe he is just totally lazy and just wants the woman to do all of the calling. It's possible. I don't know the guy so I can't say for sure.

Last edited by Tivo123; 11-16-2009 at 04:49 AM.

 
Old 11-16-2009, 08:17 AM   #10
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Re: He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

Yes, Tivo has had a deeper insight than I. Forget about what I was saying. Perhaps calling her boring is not a big deal at all, although I am inclined to think that, because of the things she did to them, right or wrong, he meant a lot more then simply "boring", but chose not to use those more harmful words.

 
Old 11-16-2009, 10:53 AM   #11
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Re: He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

I think in every relationship, no matter what, both parties play a part in the relationship going south when it does. If he can't take any kind of responsibility for his part in what went wrong between him and his ex, and/or if EVERY single ex is somehow a bore, a tramp, a liar, a cheat, a horrible person, etc. then that IS a big red flag, since the one common denominator is HIM. If he can't find anything nice to say about any ex or can't take responsibility for his part in the downfall of the relationships, then yeah, I'd say that's a problem.

And so is his never contacting you. I agree. Don't call him for a week and see what happens. If you call him and he whines "why haven't you called me?" then I would guess he's a game player and wants you on a string. When you WANT to talk to someone, you pick up the phone and call them, it's that simple. If he disappears and you never hear from him again, there you go. Onward.

 
Old 11-16-2009, 12:39 PM   #12
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Re: He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

Quote:
Originally Posted by reba423 View Post
.

He is friends with the man that his wife left him for and apparently she is now cheating on this man and he calls my guy all the time to ask him if he should leave her. Isn't this just a tad dysfunctional? Or is it sweet that everyone gets along. Please anyone, any help spotting red flags early on is so appreciated, I'm terrible at it.
this is more than a tad dysfunctional......
I don't think it's sweet at all...............it's very disturbing, don't you think?

 
Old 11-16-2009, 02:20 PM   #13
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Re: He's Hot and Cold, what does it mean

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I think in every relationship, no matter what, both parties play a part in the relationship going south when it does. If he can't take any kind of responsibility for his part in what went wrong between him and his ex, and/or if EVERY single ex is somehow a bore, a tramp, a liar, a cheat, a horrible person, etc. then that IS a big red flag, since the one common denominator is HIM. If he can't find anything nice to say about any ex or can't take responsibility for his part in the downfall of the relationships, then yeah, I'd say that's a problem.

And so is his never contacting you. I agree. Don't call him for a week and see what happens. If you call him and he whines "why haven't you called me?" then I would guess he's a game player and wants you on a string. When you WANT to talk to someone, you pick up the phone and call them, it's that simple. If he disappears and you never hear from him again, there you go. Onward.
Very well said, LLM. That was what I actually had in mind. To call someone a bore may not be offensive (in my language, however, it is), but it is evasive, it is a big simplification.

 
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