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Old 11-16-2009, 04:38 PM   #1
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Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

My boyfriend confronted me today because he thought I was bulimic. At worst I've had problems with body image like every other woman I know, but I've never had an inkling of an eating disorder. He thinks that because I eat A LOT and often but I'm a totally average weight. I guess I'm just lucky and have a high metabolism. I also recently relapsed on drugs for a few days and lied to him about it, but then after I got clean again I felt so guilty and confessed. He'd always said he'd dump me if I relapsed, but he didn't really say much and said it was okay and he forgave me as long as I don't do it again. That's when he confronted me about the bulimia thing and I said I promise I have no issues there whatsoever. Then he said "it's not a big deal, I am more busy thinking about whether or not to buy new shoes than if you're bulimic" (he's been talking about buying new shoes for a week and is stressed because he's crazy about spending money). I stopped dead in my tracks and said "***?!?!" He said no no no, it came out wrong, he just meant that he really didn't think I was bulimic, it was just a passing thought cause he heard me coughing in the bathroom. He says stuff like this a lot, little things that I think are really mean but he always says I didn't mean it to be mean, I wasn't thinking of it like that. Should this be a red flag that he really doesn't care about me, or should I pass it off as he is inexperienced with women and doesn't word things correctly? (I'm his first real girlfriend). He spends a lot of time with me and is generally really nice to me, but he says things like this that just shock me and I would never say them and he doesn't seem to "get it."

He also kind of has a bromance going on with his roommate - we had plans to go camping with a group this weekend and I was really excited, but now because his roommate can't come, we aren't going anymore.

Do you think these things are problems, or am I overreacting? I am really sensitive and I'm well aware of the fact that I'm kind of obsessed with him whereas he just likes me a lot, but I have a hard time knowing when someone's behavior is unacceptable or not.

 
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Old 11-16-2009, 05:14 PM   #2
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

I posted this also on a dating website (that I go on just for the forums and my profile says I'm not available, by the way) and 6/6 people voted to have it deleted for "trolling and attention seeking" and all I was told was to "seek professional help". This kind of thing really makes me doubt my reality. I was legitimately trying to get advice about something I'm unsure of, and apparently I come off as crazy. Am I crazier than I think I am or does my original post scream that I have serious issues or something? I don't understand. And I won't be offended by honest answers, that's why I come here in the first place.

 
Old 11-16-2009, 06:25 PM   #3
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

For what it's worth, I don't think you're crazy. I think you're like many of us who have been hurt in the past and who are trying our best to be cautious in new relationships without appearing pathological. It's not easy because of past experience to let go of that fear that something will go wrong. And we end up constantly asking ourselves, is that a red flag or am I just being overly cautious? That's a really tough question to answer. I honestly think that no one really knows the answer to that question. I think all we can do is just try our best to be wary of things that make us personally uncomfortable and not put up with things that really hurt us again in our new relationships.

 
Old 11-18-2009, 04:52 AM   #4
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

Yes, I think your boyfriend is somewhat awkward with his words. I also feel that he wants to say more to you, but perhaps he feels that the level of intimacy between you and him doesn't allow him to do it. I don't know if he is controlling, but he seems to think he is above you and everyone else for that matter in terms of discipline and self-control. He has a very high opinion of himself and usually doesn't depend on the feedback from other people. I think this is a little embarrassing for you, as if he were making himself inacessible. He also comes across as a perfectionist, but I could be wrong.

As for you, yes, I think you are a sensitive and emotional person, whereas your bf seems to be more rational. In a couple, differences are usually welcome, as long as they aren't too big so there'll be more friction than empathy.

It would help if he chose to expose his thoughts more clearly and in more thoughtful manners, and it would help if you didn't take all his remarks too personally, although you shouldn't allow resentment to build up. I think both of you need some patience to deal with each other. Can you do that? Can you manage to be patient without giving up the joy of being together?

As for bromances, well, yes, we males need them, lol. It is a natural thing, but it seems that in this case he put his buddy in the first place, unless the other guy would be driving you to the camping site and without his car you have no other ways of reaching there. I think you are entitled to question why the camping weekend was put off and you were left with a bitter smile on your face.

Oh, no, I don't think you are crazy at all, either. Actually, you express yourself very well, which crazy people usually don't.

 
Old 11-18-2009, 08:04 AM   #5
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

I tend to agree with Pendulum on this one. You are not crazy; it sounds from what you say that your bf is simply uncouth. He doesn't know how to say it, and he says what comes to his mind without thinking. My bf often says things that I used to think, "What?" to and I've realized he has no malicious intent, but that's simply what's in his mind. He isn't controlling and would be upset if he thought I was offended. We are all raised in different situations, have had different life experiences, and have different ways of expressing ourselves. No one way is right (of course, controlling behaviors are not good and should be stopped early on). You both just have to learn how to communicate with each other.

Maybe next time he says something like that, you should just calmly and matter-of-factly, without seeming to even think about it, say "No, not me." Or something simple like that. Then see if he asks more questions or drops it. Nothing wrong with sometimes asking why he would say such a thing because that's part of communication. But figure out his communication style, and don't try to change him. If you find you don't like his style and can't live with it, then it's time to end the relationship.

I'll defer to the men on the bromances issue. I'd be upset, too, and you should have just calmly asked him if the two of you or some of the others could have gone without this man. You have to be very careful not to put him on the defensive, thinking you don't like his roommate. But you have a right to say you are just curious, why can't you go without the roommate.

 
Old 11-18-2009, 08:41 PM   #6
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

Pendulum, that's really amazing that you can tell that much about my boyfriend just by that little amount of information I gave you. He isn't controlling, per se, but he does subtly always have to be the dominant one. A perfect anecdote for this is that if it's raining really hard, he will not just put the windshield wipers on, he will manually do it every 5 seconds if he has to, instead of just letting it do its thing. When I try to talk to him about something he said that offended me, he tends to change the subject or roll his eyes in a "joking manner". The other day he said "I'm gonna go to the grocery store later and buy some egg shells to walk on"... the lack of communication/taking responsibility for his callousness with words is really frustrating. He'll admit that what he said was wrong, but that's all he'll say about it, and I always just feel like I need more closure as to what he meant. He's an enigma and I guess he likes that about himself.

I think I can learn to be more patient and to not take everything so personally. I know that he is not out to hurt me. But he does need to learn to either be more careful with what he says, or be willing to explain himself and talk to me about it. He is not very comfortable with intimacy, making me feel like he's always just out of reach. I am getting a lot better at giving him space though, and maybe he will thus become more intimate with me.

 
Old 11-19-2009, 03:47 AM   #7
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

I think I know where you are coming from. Or at least a part of it. You probably wish your boyfriend would show that he, too, had some weak spots. Men do have them, but usually they hide it deep inside lest they come across as less masculine.

 
Old 11-19-2009, 02:28 PM   #8
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

Quote:
Originally Posted by digmusic View Post

I think I can learn to be more patient and to not take everything so personally. I know that he is not out to hurt me. But he does need to learn to either be more careful with what he says, or be willing to explain himself and talk to me about it. He is not very comfortable with intimacy, making me feel like he's always just out of reach. I am getting a lot better at giving him space though, and maybe he will thus become more intimate with me.
This is the only red flag to me. A lot of people need to grow their social skills. Like you, I could live with that and adjust some on my side. But this issue would concern me because I've been there. I've been in this "arm's length" situation and if that does not change, I'd have to move on. Chasing someone's approval and affection plays with your self respect and self esteem after a while. If he can't grow in this respect and move closer to let you feel like he's completely in it for you, the rest of his quirks would not matter to me. This would be the deal breaker.

 
Old 11-19-2009, 05:39 PM   #9
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

Yeah... he says he likes to take things slow. He does talk to me every single day and spend a lot of time with me. I know I'm needy and covertly demanding. He also is not the best communicator, and I like to talk about EVERYTHING. It's either the intimacy is moving too fast for him, as we've only been dating for two months and that's his longest relationship, or he is going to turn out to be chronically unable to be intimate. I can't tell yet, and I don't know how long I'm willing to wait to "figure him out". I wish I could just chill more and enjoy what we have, because it is mostly good. I just have the feeling that he is only comfortable being in the driver's seat and having all the control in the relationship to avoid feelings of vulnerability. Meanwhile, I always feel vulnerable and like I'm asking too much of him. It's hard because all of this stuff is very, very subtle. He never says anything that shows he is trying to control me. I've just noticed that when I am in contact with him a lot, he kind of backs off, but when I don't text him for a day, he is always texting me, and it feels like it's to make sure I'm still there. I think too much, but these are just my intuitions.

 
Old 11-22-2009, 03:55 PM   #10
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

My boyfriend said out of the blue today that he feels really awkward and uncomfortable whenever he expresses his feelings, but he wanted to let me know that he really really liked me and he thinks we're on the same page with those feelings now. It made me really happy! Except, I think he has an actual or potential alcohol problem, and he tells me that I have to stop bringing that up, which is code for "or else this relationship will end". Of course, drinking less wasn't even an option, the only option is I have to stop bringing it up. However, maybe I should post this under the addiction board. At least he expressed his feelings and looked very vulnerable when he said it, and that's the first time I've seen him that way. So I don't feel so ambivalent about where I stand anymore, which is good! I think I will post about the alcohol problem on another board. He wasn't drunk when he said those sweet things, by the way.

 
Old 11-23-2009, 07:22 AM   #11
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

dig - this guy is starting to sound like a project.......

 
Old 11-23-2009, 03:43 PM   #12
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

What exactly do you mean? Too much to deal with on his end, or I'm obsessing too much?

 
Old 11-24-2009, 06:35 AM   #13
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

lets see how do I explain a project.....I just know one when I see it....
he's becoming a bit of a pain, being with him is becoming work.....

 
Old 07-07-2010, 08:21 PM   #14
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

I was reading your post (and other interesting replies to it) and there are some similarities between your boyfriend and mine (hard to opening up about himself and his feelings, alcoholism).

How is your relationship today ?

 
Old 07-08-2010, 09:31 AM   #15
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Re: Is my boyfriend too insensitive? or am I too sensitive

I don't think your crazy, but a little too sensitive. Sometimes guys are not as smooth and carefull as we are with words. That doesn't mean that they don't love/like us. My husband is way too honest sometimes. I would much rather have that ( because I know its honest) than a smooth talker. It depends on you and what you want. In my opinion you just have to learn to not get upset over things that don't matter.

 
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