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Old 11-18-2009, 07:22 AM   #1
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Too old, too young for this relationship?

I am really glad that I found this board! I have a small question and need some unbiased advice!

First off, thank you all in advance for taking the time to "listen"! This is going to be long and won't be able to tell you near as much as I could if I have a week to type a novel! LOL...

I have seen it on this board before and as of recent! I am another older woman in a relationship with a young "man" (if you can call 27 a "man"). It started off very passionate and as some of the other woman on these board's, he pursued me very, very heavily! I was always attracted to him but just got out of a long relationship so I wasn't ready to get involved again so soon after a bad break up! Against my better judgement I did agree to go out with him and he knew upfront about my age, that I still had a child at home and one that was living on thier own! I was infact too honest probably! But, I felt that with any age difference that the best was to be honest, so there were no surprises! I was very hesitant to continue "dating" him and even tried to call it several times! We started spending a lot and I mean a lot of time together and we started seeing each other exclusivlely! During this time everything was great and going very smoothly! I had been in a very long term marriage and after my divorce was in another relationship for a year and after that break up, I met this one! We met in January and have been dating ever since! Now, here's the "back story"! In this time of "dating" we broke up ... oh well several times! It's always because he would get "nervous" or scared about the fact that he didn't want children or that now he did! He also became very controlling (in such subtle way's that I didn't even see it, I guess you could say he is very good at manipulating situations) and couldn't find the good in any person in my life! The first time we broke up, he beraided me about the fact that I had tattoo's (all of 3 of them and very small and not that I am proud of them and will more than likely have them removed because I may have gone through a slight mid-life crisis so I have a few regret's) or that I smoked (now albeit, he smokes heavily when he drinks and sometimes even when he doesn't, but critizes me for it)! The first time we broke up it was because he decided he wanted children, I agrued the point that we could have children even though I was older and then just stopped talking for a few day's! (during these "text" war's that we would have, he always called me unstable or that i was crazy and would say things that would just cut you to the core and believe it or not, because I am an older woman, I am pretty dang stable and have a pretty simple life with great family and friends, friends until he drove them all away, making me believe that they were all crazy and unstable too). Then randomly a few day's later i get a text asking if I would really have a child with him! So, fast forward several month's later to a week ago...(all the while, we would break up, get back together, blah, blah, blah same scenario, different month) We of course were back together and "this" time was really different! We always, get along (I know, hard to imagine with only 1/3 of what I told you, because his mental abuse that he has done and I have allowed isn't even touching the surface of what I have told you) things are generally quite and easy when we are together, no arguing, no fighting, etc.! Well he has once again decided that maybe we should stop this oddball thing that we have going because he can't give me what i want! Funny thing, this person had it made in the shade! I placed NO expectations on him, he did his thing with the only friend he has and I did mine and that worked for us! Until he get's this notion that we shouldn't keep going if we know it will end one day! I am confused to say the least!
I am one of these woman that have to have clear and black and white answer's! How do you go from knowing in your heart of heart's even though it can be an not so conventional relationship with the age issue (which by the way I could care less about) and being with someone that you love and you KNOW they love you to one day it's this all over again?? I have to have closure so I made him tell me that he didn't love me and to appease me he did! I know, I know...that should be my answer! Well, as a man or woman I think that we KNOW when someone love's us and when they don't and when there are "sign's" pointing to an end, and yes I believe we get scared for whatever reason, but everytime we would break up I would tell him that this was old, this was not getting us any where and he would profess his undying love and didn't care what his family thought, didn't care if I had tattoo's and if we wanted a child we would cross that bridge when we came to it! EVERYTHING goes perfect for a few week's and BAM he does this to me all over again and again!

I have walked away this time, and have no intentions of contacting him! At one point or another, he will contact me and then I have to decided whether or not to answer! At this point, I have nothing to say, but I am however perplexed as to why a person would get so scared and flip flop so much!?

I would seriously appreciate any advice or input! I am in love with this man and thought after all of this, I did kinda find a soul mate even with the age difference!

Thanks so much for reading and giving your input!

Tami

 
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:48 AM   #2
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

I feel like I'm having deja vu......did you read the post by courtney?
same situation.....she decided to walk away.....you should too....
it has nothing to do with age, he's manipulative and controlling, that's enough.

 
Old 11-18-2009, 08:00 AM   #3
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

I don't get it. What's the big attraction that you "older women" have with these boys who are completely flaky and unreliable idiots? What's the big attraction? I honestly don't get it.

You already know the answer to this. The longer you or any other woman in your same position continue to break up and get back together with these worthless partners, the more time you are wasting. Make up your mind that you're done with dating wishy washy control freaks and just don't put up with it next time!

 
Old 11-18-2009, 08:17 AM   #4
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

If you let him pull you back in, you will be living a lifetime (until you get smart) of this back and forth behavior. He will slowly erode your self-confidence until he has you just where he wants you.

Look at your post, think about all the facts you haven't told us, and then think about what exactly you would tell your own daughter if she were in this situation?!?

 
Old 11-18-2009, 09:42 AM   #5
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

Actually, yes I just read all the posts from Courtnee! I am shocked by the similarities! It is such a shame that we all get controlled and played at times! It should be said that not all men are the same, but I have to say that they sure have the same patterns! I will not understand them at all, even if you try to conform to thier every wimb it will never b e enough!

 
Old 11-18-2009, 10:54 AM   #6
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

well you don't have to understand them all, but when you see a pattern such as you've seen.....it's time to cut your losses

 
Old 11-18-2009, 12:28 PM   #7
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

Don't ever "conform to his every whim". Men don't respect women who turn themselves upside down and inside out doing things for them. More often than not, those kind of women get dumped for a woman who demands that the guy do things for HER.

Live and learn...I did. My younger ex tried calling me the other day (like a darn psycho stalker...called, got my voice mail, hung up and called right back, called again, left a message) but he can't get ahold of me. I won't allow him to play his game with me anymore. Once you get that respect for yourself you won't want him anymore.
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Old 11-18-2009, 12:33 PM   #8
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

Thank you RedNeon, I appreciate those sentiments! I do believe that and to truthful to myself at this point, I can't even remember how this happemd that I let myself get to this point! I do see things for what they are and I usually am pretty stubborn and stand up for myself until this one came along! I know that I won't allow it to happen again! I am and will cut all ties with this person, it is not healthy or good for me! I am not the one with the serious issue's that he has!

How long were you with your ex and how long have you been "not together" and does he usually try to contact you often? Who ended the relationship?

 
Old 11-18-2009, 07:19 PM   #9
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

I agree...your situation sounds a lot like Courtnees....hmmmm

You said that you decided to walk away and have no intentions of ever contacting him ever again...so I'm curious as to why you posted this thread. This should be a DONE situation. No discussion needed. You already know what you need to do.
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:24 PM   #10
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ncyky View Post
I agree...your situation sounds a lot like Courtnees....hmmmm

You said that you decided to walk away and have no intentions of ever contacting him ever again...so I'm curious as to why you posted this thread. This should be a DONE situation. No discussion needed. You already know what you need to do.
I was about to type the EXACT same thing, weird. Not to say that you shouldn't be reaching out if you need some shoulders to lean on, but if you were really 100% positive you wouldn't go back to him when he contacts you, you probably wouldn't be posting this. I recommend that you do a search for "abusive relationships" or "abusive men" and read all the signs. This guy definitely has them. It is common for people to be intimate and then need some space, but it is abusive to claim undying love, break up with someone, then request babies... that is an abusive cycle. Stay strong.

 
Old 11-18-2009, 07:42 PM   #11
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

This does sound a lot like my situation! Mine has gotton no better and I am trying to deal with that on my own! I am NOT ready to walk away, sad and maybe pathetic, but I do love him and do believe that he loves me! Does that mean that I am going to keep taking it? Not exactly! I am getting help thru a professional! I am finding that a lot of older woman go through this and why we do this i don't know! I think that we all are basically looking for the same thign and want what we were brought up to believe! Problem is that fairytale doesn't excist! SO, with that being said! Tamilogan, I have no advice to give other than you DO sound like you are in the same situation! Very bizarre, but I do believe that things are put in our path everyday, today this was put in my path mayve for me to see that I am not the only one out there with the same problem! So, hmmmm it is going to work out for all of us one way or another!

 
Old 11-19-2009, 07:43 AM   #12
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

oh courtney I'm so disappointed to read this.....a few posts ago you sounded so strong and ready to move on......don't be a doormat!
This little boy has some maturing to do before he becomes a man......and the type of man he's turning into is unhealthy......controlling, etc.
I urge you to rethink this......stop waffling.....get rid of him and be done with him once and for all.

 
Old 11-19-2009, 09:35 AM   #13
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

Hey there Rosequartz, I know I sound pathetic! BUT, I am no longer waffeling! It will be hard for me to let this go, but I can assure YOU that I will not take this man-boy back! NOT now! Not in a million years! I will survive this and come out a lot better than he EVER will! He will one day wake up and realize that I was the best he ever had (and I do know that sounds wrong, but it's true after knowing this person and how disgusting he is not only as a controlling freak, but his house is a mess and I mean a mess and I was the only one to clean it or encourage him to clean it) and he will regret things! But I am sure that he will find some young girl and if he thinks that it wasn't easy for us...HAHAHA, younger ones are way worse than anything I ever did and any other older woman wouldn't put up with this crap for as long as I did! I get some satisfaction from knowing this!

 
Old 11-19-2009, 09:42 AM   #14
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

well your last post just 12 hours ago said you werent going to walk away....
did you come to your senses and decide to walk away after all?
I sure hope so because nothing will change

 
Old 11-19-2009, 09:49 AM   #15
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Re: Too old, too young for this relationship?

I did say that, but I guess I should have clarified that! I have walked away, because he can end it a thousand way's and a thousand different times, BUT I am the one making the ultimate decision! It will take me a while to "get" over him and what he did to me, but I will not take him back when he does contact me (which we all know that he will at some point) infact, I can not be "ready" to walk away, but know in my heart that this is a bad person and doesn't deserve me and never did! So, emotionally I am wiped out! Yes, I still am a little sad, more mad than anything right now. But yes, I have seen the light and KNOW how much better my life is and can be without him in it! It will be tough, because although it was only close ot a year, I spent most of it with him and it's the routines and things I need to get past! He will get what he deserve's and until he is honest with himself about his sexuality or whatever it is that he really is, he will NEVER be happy and I feel sorry for the next one that get's into a relationship with him! He does it to everyone, because he can't come out of the closet one way or another!

 
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