It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 12-08-2009, 08:17 AM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 271
thesedays HB User
Need Advice on Letting Go ....

I have always had issues with letting go of people regardless of how bad the situation is. I hate that I'm like this ....I have no idea why I'm like this, but think it must be learned behavior considering my sister is exactly the same way.

I've been with my BF for 5 years now. We are an AG relationship with me being 9 years older. Him - 29, Me - 38. Things have been tough. We've had alot of good times, but alot of bad as well.

During these 5 years, he has cheated on me a total of 4 times. Each time he does it ...after he gets caught, he says he's leaving, he isn't happy and needs to make himself happy, etc. I cry, beg and plead (gross, I know) and eventually we get back together with promises of making our relationship better, working things out, keeping each other happy .....he promises never to do it again, or to leave before doing it, etc. And the cycle starts over.

This time he cheated was more of an emotional affair with him meeting someone at work, texting, phone calls, occasional brief meetings at the beach ....nothing pysical or so he says. Once again, I caught him, he didn't mention it ...denied it, then admitted it when the proof was too much and decided he was leaving.

Two weeks into this, we talk and decide we have to much history, "life", and alot invested ....once again, the cycle of lets do what it takes, etc. ...blah blah

The issue is ....I can't get past it. I know it's my own fault. I have given him "non verbal" permission to cheat on me by always taking him back ...or begging him to come back. I know this in my heart ....I also know that the cheating isn't going to stop. Oh ...it might take another 8 or 9 months until he feels comfortable enough to do so ....but he will do it again. I also know in my heart that in a few years, the age gap IS going to be hitting him pretty hard and that's going to give him more reason as well. I know that in spending the next year or two with him is just "wasted" time as he's going to repeat his cycle as he always does.

So WHY can't I let go? I love him, he's really a great person (besides the issues above, which I know are HUGE), he has a huge heart, would do anything for anyone and when he's "happy at home", he's very loving, caring and takes great care of me and our home. However, even in loving him, I know what my life is going to continue to be like if I continue in this relationship.

But every time I think of being without him, I panic ! Everytime I think of my life without him, I'm stressed and sick. I know it's the best thing for me ....so what in the world is wrong with me that I just can't do what's right for me and move on to a happy, healthier life ???

Does anyone else have issues of letting go even when it's really what you WANT to do?

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 12-08-2009, 08:24 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,351
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

what you're feeling is not love.....it's dependence, it's fear, it's a bad habit
get rid of this clown.....
why don't you think you deserve better?
as long as you continue to be a doormat, he will continue to wipe his feet on you.

 
Old 12-08-2009, 08:27 AM   #3
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: queens
Posts: 3
Jannicke11 HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

I never had an issue with a cheating boyfriend and I understand your love for him but girl u have to let him go. Meet with the girls and probanly find someone around your age he is just a big kid. If I was in your situation I would have to tell him to kick rocks. Do you feel like you have low self-esteem

 
Old 12-08-2009, 08:32 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,351
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

also read the book co-dependent no more

 
Old 12-08-2009, 08:34 AM   #5
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: queens
Posts: 3
Jannicke11 HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

Never read it but did you learn anything from it?

 
Old 12-08-2009, 08:39 AM   #6
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 271
thesedays HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

Oddly ...I don't have low self esteem. I'm a great person, attractive, good job, lots of friends. I don't feel bad about myself at all.

Hmm....I agree with the dependance and fear. Which is odd because I"m really very independant. Does this make sense?

I do think I deserve better ....it's the same old .....but I want better from him.

I know I'm not going to get it. Rose - I've read the book ....I've read so many self help books that it's not even funny. I can relate to everything in each one. I get the "ah - ha" ...that's what it is and devise a plan.

Then I panic of the thought of not having a life with him. Does this make me sick?

 
Old 12-08-2009, 08:45 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,351
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

it's just fear....the same reason I stayed unhappily married for so long.
when he left me I was scared, thought I couldn't survive, etc.....but i did and so did a lot of other people.
and yes the book helped me, I struggle with co-dependency but I am knowledgeable enough to say to myself or my mother "that's just more co-dependent BS", because i got it from her.
you will be much happer without him

 
Old 12-08-2009, 10:44 AM   #8
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 271
thesedays HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

I wonder what in the world we are afraid of? I was on my own for 6 years prior to him and absolutley loved it ........hmmm.....I guess something to think about it.

I keep telling myself I don't want to let go because I love him ...

 
Old 12-08-2009, 11:54 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,351
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

I don't think you love him.....how could you?
how could you love someone that doesn't treat you with respect?

 
Old 12-08-2009, 04:34 PM   #10
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 928
Tivo123 HB UserTivo123 HB UserTivo123 HB UserTivo123 HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

What are you afraid of? Losing a relationship with a cheating pig who can't keep his hands off other women - repeatedly? Where's the big loss in that? I'm trying to understand. Can you explain to me what exactly you'd lose if you dumped his loser butt and kicked him out of your life? Besides getting rid of a disrespectful cheater, which is a major bonus, what else would you lose?

He is NOT a great person. He does NOT have a huge heart, he is NOT loving, caring and he does NOT take great care of you or your home! That's all completely untrue! He's a lying, cheating sack of monkey poo who keeps cheating on you over and over and over again and he has ZERO redeeming qualities that make him a quality partner. He is incapable of staying faithful and he is a liar. He has zero integrity, zero loyalty and zero respect for you. He is completely not worth your time or effort any longer.

My point still remains: What exactly are you losing if you ditch him? I see nothing worth keeping him around. Post something, some justification why he's so great because I see nothing so far.

 
Old 12-08-2009, 08:20 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

thesedays, you said something in one of your posts that I think was sort of telling. You said you know you deserve to be treated better, and you want to be treated better, but by HIM. There could be many reasons why you feel fear and panic at the idea of cutting him loose - your biological clock could be ticking, maybe you see him as your last chance to have a family, a marriage, children, and the idea of having to do the whole dating thing from scratch all over again, telling your life stories on a first date yet again, going through all the awkward first moments of trying to get to know someone new, all over again, is daunting for you. It could be a chemical thing, pheremones and oxytocin and all that stuff working on overdrive, etc etc etc. But I'm not sure if the answer lies in finding out WHY you feel so desperately attached to this guy. You know he's no good fr you. You know he's not the one you are going to end up with. You know every moment wasted with him is a moment you are missing out living your real life and finding the real love of your life. I think all you need to acknowledge is that you are in fact choosing to stay with someone who doesn't treat you right. And if you can choose it, you can unchoose it. You just have to want a good life and the opportunity of finding real love more than you want to avoid the temporary fear and panic of not having the familiar and comfortable and unhealthy at your side anymore.

 
Old 12-09-2009, 03:25 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,713
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

You have a home with this man? Hmm, I can see why it's more difficult for you to let him go, because you'll possibly be "losing" your home as well. But I am not trying to say you are shallow. Not at all.

For most people, it's difficult to put an end to a relationship and often for different reasons, if you think in terms of genders. I know, I know, this is a truism. But if your sixth sense sort of tells you to do it, all you have to do is following its lead. Otherwise, you'd be betraying yourself.

Let him go (you'll both find a way of dealing with your "home"), and don't look back for a few days or weeks or months (how long you need, anyway). It is hard, painful, and depressing, but gradually you will restore yourself. This is not really advice, it's just plain sense, it's just telling you something you probably already know by now.

You just have to make the first step and not look behind. Move on, seek the support of others and give life a chance of bringing you new and different things and people.

 
Old 12-09-2009, 08:01 AM   #13
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 271
thesedays HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

LarryLou's Mom - you are so right !! I know what I need to do and I keep making excuses .....now it's christmas time and that makes me feel terrible if we end this now ....then it's new years ....blah blah

We had a little bit of a talk last night and I was trying to tell him how I feel and how I just can't get past this, etc. He of course promises that it will NEVER happen again ....but I've heard that so many times, and I know that it will happen again.

I need to "man up" and just let it go.

 
Old 12-09-2009, 08:02 AM   #14
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: london, UK
Posts: 36
Cassy19 HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

I have/had the exact same issues on letting go. I have been told in the past it's down to low self-esteem but, like you, I am not aware I have low self esteem - jsut don't seem to be able to let go.

Anyway, earlier this year I was "stuck" in a relationship with a guy I knew I shouldnt' be with and knew I deserved better - all my friends told me I deserved to be treated better but I hung in there - don't know exactly why. And then I had a lightbulb moment - he did something pretty mean to me -and for me that was it. I finished with him - it took me about a week to come to terms with what I was going to do but I did it and before I did it I wrote down all the reasons I should finish with him so that if I doubted myself after the event I could refer back -which I did. I won't say it was easy, it was very sad and painful, but looking back I wish I had done it sooner - but of course I wouldn't have been able to cos I had to reach that point in my mind and the time when it was right for me to do.

Now, just a few months later (the last thing I was expecting as I had thought I would be on my own for a long time) I met an amazing guy and I am now very happy. He treats me well and is the polar opposite to my ex.

Not sure whether this is of any help but just - I would say - do it. Trust your instinct - you know this guy is not right. Our lives are so precious, don't waste it on this man any longer. Go out there and find yourself someone who truly deserves you. And you will.

Last edited by Cassy19; 12-09-2009 at 08:04 AM.

 
Old 12-09-2009, 10:13 AM   #15
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Eagle River
Posts: 1,272
Blog Entries: 68
EagleRiverDee HB UserEagleRiverDee HB UserEagleRiverDee HB UserEagleRiverDee HB UserEagleRiverDee HB UserEagleRiverDee HB UserEagleRiverDee HB UserEagleRiverDee HB UserEagleRiverDee HB UserEagleRiverDee HB UserEagleRiverDee HB User
Re: Need Advice on Letting Go ....

This is classic co-dependency, easy to recognize because I behave the same way. You definitely need to get away from this guy. If you can go to a therapist, I recommend it, but if you can't then get a good core group of people around you who will support you and dump him. You need to do it, not wait for him, it's important to your self-esteem that once and for all you take control and dump this jerk. His cheating on you is not ok. And you begging him to stay is hurting YOU. Right now he is controlling the relationship and controlling you, and that is not healthy because it's making you feel more powerless and desperate.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Varicose Veins - Age 25 - Need Advice PhilipS Men's Health 2 10-03-2006 12:18 PM
i need help before i burst!! charlatans Relationship Health 204 04-26-2006 05:43 PM
I need support Debzie Pain Management 15 01-18-2006 11:43 PM
Sexuality questions confused need advice Shmitty5454 Sexual Health - Teens 26 05-16-2005 05:40 PM
Need advice on problem with best friend Falynsmommy Relationship Health 15 04-03-2004 08:20 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (272), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (156), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (99), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1005), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (850), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:49 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!