In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
My girlfriend and I are both 21 years old and we have a long history together that began over 5 years ago. We originally started dating in high school for over a year. Then she broke up with me. Then we were best friends for 2 years, although we were something a little bit more than friends too (we would hold hands and cuddle... everyone who didn't know us assumed we were together). During those 2 years we both dated other people - I ended up having sex with two other girls, but she never had sex with another guy. We both had 1 semi-long relationship during that time. Then, 2 years ago, she said she wanted to be back together with me. We have been together ever since.
But now we have agreed to enter into an "open relationship" - and I'm not particularly happy about it. I am just looking for any advice people can give me on how to cope with my situation.
Now I'll explain things in a bit more detail.
We are both deeply in love with each other. We truly are. We have an incredible, caring relationship. But there have been some difficulties.
For one thing, we have a long-distance relationship. I go to college away from home while she stayed at home, so I'm only actually home a little bit over 5 months of the year (but during an 8-month stretch I am rarely home).
Another problem has been that sex has always been painful for her. As in, when I put my thing inside of her, it hurts her. She's even gotten a tool kit for this. I know this is not my fault, as I have had sex with other girls. But I am afraid this certainly doesn't help things. (Before you say anything, yes, I broke her hymen)
To substitute the lack of intercourse, we have a lot of oral sex. However, I liked to have oral sex more often than she did. Apparently (I now know), I was often too pushy in asking for and giving her oral sex when she wasn't in the mood. The result was that she started to view oral sex as a bit of a chore.
All of these things surely played a significant factor into the fact that she says she is not as attracted to me anymore (although still professing to feel some attraction for me). Also, like any long-term relationship, much of the 'passion' factor that comes with a new relationship is gone and she says that she wants to have that feeling again. Most of all, I think she just feels that she is 21 and wants to see what else is out there.
Let me clarify that even further - she wants to see what else is out there because we have both talked openly about the fact that our relationship seems to be on a direct path towards marriage. She wants this one day just as I do. But she also always envisioned being with more than 1 guy in her life, and if she doesn't experiment with other guys in her last year of college, when will she?
So when she expressed her feelings for me, my initial reaction was that if she wanted to breakup, I could no longer be her friend, because it would be too hard for me to get over her otherwise. She said this would devastate her and that she couldn't lose me - she wouldn't know what to do. So I asked her if, because we love each other so much, we can stay together for while longer and see if we can iron out our issues. She agreed to do as such - but without the sex/oral sex for a while, until she felt the desire again.
Then we had to spend a month being 400 miles away from each other again, and things got awkward. She would call me very infrequently, which drove me crazy. I started calling/texting her a lot, and was probably annoying her (I couldn't help myself since I couldn't stop thinking about her). Whereas our conversations were once frequent, enjoyable and had a duration of about 45 minutes, our conversations got infrequent, awkward and had a duration of about 15 minutes. Then I learned that she was going on a family vacation without me (the last 2 years she had always invited me to go on vacation with her family). Things just didn't seem right.
So I proposed the idea of the open relationship. My exact words were something along the lines of "I was thinking the best solution would be to have an open relationship for a little while. We would be free to do whatever we want with other people. Once next semester ends (which will be in April), we'll see where we're at". She agreed to this.
I saw her last night - we spent the whole night together, mostly making out in the nude, kissing her breasts - but there was no genital touching. Nonetheless, there was definitely a sexual tension and the love in the air was so apparent - it was so obvious how happy she was to be with me again.
But now I'm nervous about how I am going to cope with the idea of her sleeping with other men. One of the biggest problems is that she is drop-dead gorgeous, sweet and a scholar. She admits she gets asked out by other guys frequently when she's not with me. She's also not a **** - which is a problem in the sense that I am worried about her developing a relationship with some Prince Charming.
I myself am a very sweet, caring guy. 6'1, in good shape and above-average looking. But I'm still not a natural 'ladies man' and am not comfortable trying to meet new girls in general, so I might have to struggle to find someone while she will have no problem knocking up other guys anytime she wants.
So this is all eating at me.
One other thing that's eating at me is this - I feel like I need to have another talk with my girlfriend to set more strict 'rules' about our open relationship. I already mentioned that "Our primary relationship will still be with each". And she agreed to that. But I also want to emphasize to her that "We should view this as something temporary. Unless something changes, we should plan on becoming exclusive again starting in May". But I am not sure if this is the right thing to say or not. Also, she says she doesn't want to talk about our relations with other people... but I'm not sure that's what I want. I think NOT KNOWING what she is doing with other guys might drive me even crazier than knowing for certain what she was doing.
So, that's pretty much everything. I know I just wrote A LOT so I would be amazed if anyone actually read it all. I've talked about this situation with my family and a couple of close friends already, but it still feels better to type it all out and ask for the opinion of strangers.
So if you've read everything (or even just bits and pieces), I have 3 questions for you:
1 - How do I cope with the idea of a girl I am deeply in love with in bed with other guys? Is it as simple as being in bed with other girls?
2 - Given my situation, do you think that proposing an open relationship was the right idea? Or should I have just tried to keep things going even though they were not-so-great at the moment (since she had agreed to try to work things out with me while staying exclusive)? Or should I have simply broken up with her (or allowed her to break up with me, really)?
3 - Is it okay to emphasize to her that we should expect to be exclusive again starting in May (when I come home from college for the Summer)... or is that being too pushy and unrealistic with regards to setting a precise timeline on all of this?
Just keep one thing in mind when considering my situation - I emphasized all of the BAD of my relationship with this girl, but I did very little to emphasize the good. We really do have an incredibly loving and caring relationship. We can't imagine our lives without each other. We both bless the day we met each other. We still feel that the time we spend with each other is magical. And we both still see each other as the people we want to walk down the aisle with and have kids with.
Yes, you can tell me feelings change, and that she may not always feel that way about me. But I am counting on feelings to change (just in a way that is more to my benefit). Her feelings with me started as romance, then changed to just her best friend, then felt romance again, and now feels a combination of deep love with uncertainty. It is my hope that the feeling of uncertainty will pass with time.
If you decided to read any of this and answer any of my questions, I really appreciate that.
After seeing how long this post ended up being... I have to chuckle myself! lol
Last edited by bertrandian; 12-10-2009 at 02:03 AM.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
1 - How do I cope with the idea of a girl I am deeply in love with in bed with other guys? Is it as simple as being in bed with other girls?
Most of us cannot stand the thought of our loved one in bed with someone else, male or female...That's why the "open" relationship thing rarely works, particularly at your young age. Hopefully neither of you are going to be jumping in and out of bed with just anyone, which means that there will likely be special relationships formed with whomever gets in bed with either of you. A slipppery slope, at best.
2 - Given my situation, do you think that proposing an open relationship was the right idea? Or should I have just tried to keep things going even though they were not-so-great at the moment (since she had agreed to try to work things out with me while staying exclusive)? Or should I have simply broken up with her (or allowed her to break up with me, really)?
I think the relationship will have to work itself out in it's own time. Creating rules and parameters and trying to stuff a relationship into them is backwards, if you ask me. Relationships work when each party chooses to be in them, and respects the boundaries that work for each person. You concern me when you say "or allow her to break up with you". She certainly does not need your permission to break up with you...It sounds like you are the one struggling with this, so your decision should be based on what is best for you. At 21 years old, you both should be out living your lives, and if you are meant to be together, you will...but forcing it will not work.
3 - Is it okay to really emphasize her that we should expect to be exclusive again starting in May (when I come home from college for the Summer)... or is that being too pushy and unrealistic with regards to setting a precise time line on all of this?
Sorry to say, but that is being too pushy.
Since she has been part of your life for years now, as both a lover and a friend, I would continue to treasure your bond, and let life take it's course. Be patient, and continue to live your life...
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
I think the open relationship is going to be very hard for the two of you b/c of your history together and the fact that you really do care for each other. In my opinion, open relationships are easier when people aren't as serious.
Why call it an open relationship? Why not just break up and see what happens? You already have done that and gotten back together, why not do it again? I see too much jealousy happening in an open relationship and possibly ruining whatever is left of what you now have.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
The thing is, even if we break up I am going to feel jealously knowing that I am not with her and thinking about other guys with her.
The first time after we broke up, we became best friends for two years. Even when I dated other girls during this time, I still constantly thought of her and was still jealous at the thought of her with other guys.
I think the best thing for my chances of being with her long-term is this idea of a temporary open relationship.
If we were to break-up and go back to being friends, I would feel JUST as much jealously without having any of the benefits of still being her primary boyfriend. In fact, still being her 'primary' boyfriend allows me to feel a little bit less jealously than I would if we complete broke off our relationship and she was exclusive with some other guy.
If we were to break-up and NOT be friends, it would make us both miserable not having each other in our lives. Furthermore, I think losing contact with her altogether is something that will hurt my chances of being together with her in the long-run. Oh, and it would still take a long, long time to overcome the jealously even in this scenario.
As I said, another serious option would have been if I hadn't proposed the open relationship idea, she was still willing to give our relationship the way we had it a serious chance. But I ultimately decided that this is what she really wanted, and thought I would be bold in proposing the temporary open relationship scenario.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
The user 'writeleft' replied to my 3 questions, ---
I will just respond to a few things here:
Of course we BOTH would have to agree to a set of rules for our open relationship. If I suggest anything, of course I am going to make sure that's what she wants as well. All I am saying is that I am going to suggest a few guidelines for how our open relationship will work, and see what she agrees with and what she doesn't. I am not going to be pushy. For example, if she tells me "I don't want to put a timeline on things", that is fine. But when trying to establish guidelines for an open relationship (which seems better to me than simply not talking about it), someone's got to throw some suggestions out.
I think you misinterpreted me when I said "Or should I have simply broken up with her (Or allowed her to break up with me, really)?"
I was simply asking if it would have been the right thing to break up with her - what's in the parenthesis is just there to emphasize that I wouldn't want to break up with her - so if I DID break up with her it would only be because of what she says she feels, not because of my feelings for her.
Let me make this perfectly clear - if she wanted to break-up with me, she can break up with me! When we first had this conversation a month ago, I told her that if she wanted to break up with me, that is completely fine, but we would need to have some distance for a little while, because it would be too hard to get over with if I maintained my friendship with her in the months following our breakup. But this was too hard for her, she said she could not do that. So I convinced her that we should take a few months to try to work out our issues, and if things don't get better in a reasonable period of time, then we should break up. She agreed to this.
However, when I felt uncomfortable with how things were going on the phone (unfortunately, I could only judge using the phone), I decided to propose the idea of the open relationship.
So don't make me out to be some bully who is forcing her to be in a relationship. I said in the most loving way that if breaking up with me was what she truly wanted, that was fine. But it WASN'T what she truly wanted. It's what neither of us wanted. But she simultaneously also wanted to try to play the field for a little while when she was still very young and in college. So that's how it came to this.
Finally, you say:
"Since she has been part of your life for years now, as both a lover and a friend, I would continue to treasure your bond, and let life take it's course. Be patient, and continue to live your life"
That's all nice and dandy, but it's not particularly helpful advice. In what way exactly am I supposed to "treasure my bond" with her? If we were to break-up and not be friends, that wouldn't be possible. If we were to break-up and be friends, that would be even harder for me than an open relationship with her (it means I would still see and talk to her, but not be able to hold her, and kiss her, and tell her I love her... that's a nightmare scenario for me. Either way, the thought of her sleeping with other guys will still be hard... but if I can't do things with her myself it will make it that much harder). And I know you're personally not suggesting we stay in a relationship. So to be honest, your advice here really doesn't make any sense.
Sorry if my tone is harsh. Let me just emphasize that I REALLY appreciate your response and your advice. I really do. But I am responding to your advice as honestly as I can.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
This isn't an "open relationship". You're confused about what that means. In a true open relationship, it's done between two people who are completely devoted to each other but want to have sex with other people while still staying together. It's really just a purely sexual thing and has nothing to do with feelings or emotions. There is 100% transparency and open communication involved and more importantly in your case, there is no jealousy. The fact that you're jealous already even though nothing has happened means that you're not ready for a true open relationship.
Call it what you want, but your situation is just giving each other permission to cheat and then you getting totally bent out of shape about it even though you gave your permission. In your case, you only have 2 options for your situation. You need to either stay together even though this is totally falling apart or you can break up and go your separate ways and deal with what that means for both of you. There's no in between stage with you because you know damn well as soon as you come back from your separation that you're going to be really jealous and angry and unable to forgive her for being with other guys while you were separated.
You seem to think the only way to save this relationship is by having this open arrangement (which isn't truly open). But what you don't understand that it's going to CAUSE more problems than it SOLVES. I'm 100% sure that you will be jealous and angry and unable to forgive her for being with other guys. You're setting yourself up and your whole relationship up for total dismal failure by doing this. You're better off trying to work through all of these problems or just breaking up. End of story. There's no other options for you that won't completely destroy your relationship in all of this.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
"There's no in between stage with you because you know damn well as soon as you come back from your separation that you're going to be really jealous and angry and unable to forgive her for being with other guys while you were separated."
That's not true. Although I do hate the thought of her being with other guys, that would happen even if I just flat-out broke up with her. To say I would be unable to forgive her is simply wrong. I am not angry with her in any way whatsoever. When I see her again, I am not going to be angry with her. If we become exclusive again, the last thing I am to do is not be able to forgive her. I would absolutely be able to forgive her. In fact, the way I see it, there would be nothing for her TO forgive for.
It's silly of you to suggest that this is not a "true open relationship". An open relationship simply means that two people have a romantic relationship but also consent that it is okay to see other people as well.
I am sure most people in an open relationship do not care about each other as much as me and my girlfriend do, and I'm sure most people in such a situation would not feel jealously. But all open relationships are not the same. The fact is, my girlfriend and I are in a unique situation. We are both going to feel a bit jealous thinking about each other with other people. We are both of the view that this will be a temporary situation, after which we will go back to being exclusive. Of course something could go wrong, I am not taking that for granted, but that's our plan. And given the fact that we love each other so much, and we both agree that we want to be exclusive again before long, I don't see any reason it SHOULDN'T happen.
Here's another way of looking at this:
WHAT IS THE ONE THING I CARE ABOUT RIGHT NOW, MORE THAN ANYTHING?
The Answer: Being together with my girlfriend IN THE END.
So, what is the best way to make sure that happens?
A) Tell her I want us to stay exclusive for now despite her desire to experiment with other guys while she is still young.
B) Break-up with her and stay friends.
C) Break-up with her and disassociate myself with her entirely.
D) Agree to have an open relationship for a few months, and then see where we stand.
Option A is the option that would make me happiest in the short-term, but I don't believe it is the right long-term approach.
Option B is a bad option in my opinion, as there is a chance it would make her come to see me as just a 'best friend' to her over time.
Option C may be the best option for 'getting over her' (which would still take a very long time), but is probably the worst option both for my immediate happiness and the worst option for getting her back in the long-run.
Option D is a flawed option but still still beats A, B and C. Yes, there will still be sting involved, but the sting will be much less so than Option B and C. I will still be able to have physical and romantic relations with her. Compared to Option A, it makes me seem more mature and secure because I am comfortable and mature enough to let her sleep with other guys for now if that's what she wants. The advantage is that by still being in a relationship with her, it lessens the chances that she will become serious with someone else.
---
So, I completely reject the logic that our ONLY options are that we can force ourselves to stay exclusive, even though she has desires to sleep with other men OR we break things off completely and go our separate ways.
Is there a relationship rule book that says these are the only two options?
If both my girlfriend and I agree this is the best solution for our long-term relationship together, why is it so bad just because it's something most couples never even consider doing? We're our own people - we can do anything we want.
You point out my jealously a lot. Yes, as I have said, I will feel jealously thinking about with with other guys. But guess what - at this point I would feel jealously either way! I know in my heart that I am capable of managing my jealously until we become exclusive again. I managed my jealously for over 2 years before while we were just best friends - all the while wanting her back. And guess what? I made it out the other side okay. Sleeping with other girls should be an additionally effective way to help manage jealously. And jealousy works both ways. When she finds out that I've been sleeping with other girls, she is going to feel jealous, which may speed up the process of her wanting to become exclusive with me again.
Since I suggested the 'open relationship' idea a few nights ago, it seems to have spiced things up, and the romance that seemed to lacking for the last couple of months really seems to have spiked again. This couldn't have happened if I kept things going the way they were. This also couldn't have happened if I decided to break things off entirely with her.
So, screw this whole concept of "Oh, but you HAVE to do either this or that! You simply CAN'T go half-way!". I don't see anything wrong with going half-way for a little while, until we are ready to become exclusive again.
Even my own friends and family think I am doing the right thing.
Why is it so hard to believe that what me and my girlfriend are going to be doing can't work?
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
I think one thing that you are forgetting is that sex, for women, is often tied into their emotions. Men are a lot more capable of having sex with a woman without caring about her than a woman is of having sex with a man without having feelings for him.
If it were me, I'd fight for the monogamous relationship before I'd give my permission for my SO to run off and have sex (and possibly fall in love with) someone else.
I have yet to see an open relationship work out in the end but I do wish you luck. It sounds like you love her very much.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
Sorry, I didn't read your whole post, I stopped when you said "we are going to be in an open relationship and I'm not happy about it". I see big red warning flags here, and I speak from experience!
Quick story - a couple years ago I moved to a new city alone, trying to get sober and healthy and get back in school. Well, I met a guy I was smitten with, and I really hadn't made any other friends so I was very dependent on him. He told me at the beginning that he didn't "believe in exclusive relationships" and I just decided to go ahead and not worry about it. So, we acted like a couple and spent tons of time together like a couple, but we technically weren't. So I was constantly worried that he was going to have sex with other people because really, he was "allowed" if he wanted to. If he ever had to go out of town I would be anxious and unable to sleep the whole time. I eventually ended up hooking up with someone else first, and he was really upset and crying about it (even though the open r. was his idea!) We just kept going like we were until I moved away, but we just began fighting all the time and we were both really unhappy. I resented him for not giving me exclusivity, even though now I realize that I should have ran when he first told me! He did tell me the truth from the beginning, after all, I just ignored it or thought he'd change his mind. He didn't.
To make a long story short, unless two people are both in an open relationship because they truly want to be, and they feel that is what most satisfies their needs, and they are very very secure with themselves, I think only disaster can loom. One person often just agrees to do it because they don't want to lose that person, or they figure that the other person won't actually hook up with someone else if you're together awhile, but it doesn't happen. Unless you're really comfortable with it, you're going to swing around emotionally from feeling Anxious/nervous, sad or insecure, and angry, at yourself, and at her. You might purposely hook up with someone else you're not interested in, just to get her back or to boost your ego. These are all things I dealt with. I was constantly on edge. I really think in your case, it would be better to make a clean break than to do this, or be prepared to be miserable, unless you can have a total heart and mind switch and become something you're not.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
To have that sort of relationship, you'd both have to be ok with it and want that sort of thing. You can't have one person hanging back and hoping it changes.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
You just said you're not happy about this idea. That's how I know it won't work. If something doesn't feel right to you then you shouldn't do it.
Ok look, do whatever you want. But don't be surprised if things turn out the way I said they would. Your biggest problem is that you're going into it with concern already. What if she meets someone better? What if you do? What then? I can understand her wanting to have other experiences with other guys at her age, that's what people are supposed toi do in their 20s. But you shouldn't place the expectation of getting back together on this. Break it off and live your lives. If you both come to the conclusion mutually that you want to be together again then try it. But be prepared that one of you may have found someone else that is more suited.
At your age is when people do the most changing and evolving. That's the time when people discover who they are and what they want out of life. You're both going to be changing during this time. And you're not giving each other enough time to really experience life. Don't do this half-assed. Do this for real and give each other time ans space to grow and evolve. And if you are both still interested in being together then try it. But it's going to mean giving each other more time than just 5 or 6 months. Look, if you're meant to be together then you will find a way back to each other. If not then you'll figure it out.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
"I think one thing that you are forgetting is that sex, for women, is often tied into their emotions. Men are a lot more capable of having sex with a woman without caring about her than a woman is of having sex with a man without having feelings for him."
Just keep in mind that this girl really, truly loves me. She couldn't even bring herself to break up with me - we were just going through some troubles. People don't say to each other "I see you as the person I am going to marry and have kids with" just to be polite. She says those things to me, and it's because she really means them.
...
"To make a long story short, unless two people are both in an open relationship because they truly want to be, and they feel that is what most satisfies their needs, and they are very very secure with themselves, I think only disaster can loom. One person often just agrees to do it because they don't want to lose that person, or they figure that the other person won't actually hook up with someone else if you're together awhile, but it doesn't happen. Unless you're really comfortable with it, you're going to swing around emotionally from feeling Anxious/nervous, sad or insecure, and angry, at yourself, and at her. You might purposely hook up with someone else you're not interested in, just to get her back or to boost your ego. These are all things I dealt with. I was constantly on edge. I really think in your case, it would be better to make a clean break than to do this, or be prepared to be miserable, unless you can have a total heart and mind switch and become something you're not.
The difference for me is that I am fully expecting her to hook up with other guys. She is drop-dead gorgeous and so sweet. There is no single guy that wouldn't want to hook up with her given the chance. So, I am going to have the assumption that she will sleep with other men.
Honestly, my girlfriend is 21, gorgeous, and I AM THE ONLY PERSON SHE HAS EVER SLEPT WITH. Heck, I am the only person she has ever gotten passed second base with. Does it not strike you as highly atypical for a gorgeous girl in this day and age to sleep with only 1 person in her whole life?
Part of the reason my girlfriend and I have such a unique situation is that we started dating when she was 15 years old, and in essence we have really been together ever since. We are 21 now. I think most of this is just her natural curiosity to see what else is out there. Or at the very least see what a sexual experience with a person other than me would be like. But at the same time, she doesn't want to lose me. When my initial reaction to her thoughts was to say disassociate myself from her, she could not take that.
As I said earlier, I have had sex with 3 girls, while she has only had sex with me. Perhaps that is part of the problem.
So starting in January, when we begin our open relationship, my mindset is simply going to be that while I still have a beautiful girl waiting for me back at home, who I can come home with and sleep with whenever I wanted to, and who I will still talk to on the phone and tell her I love her most nights, I am also going to be 400 miles away with her, I will accept the fact that for this period in time she will most likely get pounded by some other guy and I am going to make up for it by pounding some Montreal girl (Montreal is where I go to college, New York is my home). The fact that we have agreed this would be a temporary situation and that we will eventually be exclusive again will help me to manage the jealously factor.
If and when (hopefully just simply "When") she is ready to be exclusive again, bygones will be bygones, and things will go back to the way they were.
You say it's better to just "Make a clean break, and be prepared" to be miserable." I honestly don't see the logic if this. If it ultimately doesn't work out between me and this girl, I will be devastated. Being with her in the end would make my life complete. Why is it better to GUARANTEE myself misery when I can still give myself a fighting chance of being with her in the end?
...
"To have that sort of relationship, you'd both have to be ok with it and want that sort of thing. You can't have one person hanging back and hoping it changes."
Obviously I can live with it for a while, otherwise I wouldn't have proposed the idea. It doesn't hurt that she has specifically said she plans on becoming exclusive with me again in the not-too-distant future. The fact is, we BOTH view this as a temporary solution. Nothing is guaranteed, of course, but the fact that we both feel this way means a lot and makes the whole situation a lot easier to deal with.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan
You just said you're not happy about this idea. That's how I know it won't work. If something doesn't feel right to you then you shouldn't do it.
Ok look, do whatever you want. But don't be surprised if things turn out the way I said they would. Your biggest problem is that you're going into it with concern already. What if she meets someone better? What if you do? What then? I can understand her wanting to have other experiences with other guys at her age, that's what people are supposed toi do in their 20s. But you shouldn't place the expectation of getting back together on this. Break it off and live your lives. If you both come to the conclusion mutually that you want to be together again then try it. But be prepared that one of you may have found someone else that is more suited.
At your age is when people do the most changing and evolving. That's the time when people discover who they are and what they want out of life. You're both going to be changing during this time. And you're not giving each other enough time to really experience life. Don't do this half-assed. Do this for real and give each other time ans space to grow and evolve. And if you are both still interested in being together then try it. But it's going to mean giving each other more time than just 5 or 6 months. Look, if you're meant to be together then you will find a way back to each other. If not then you'll figure it out.
I wasn't happy about the idea of being "just" friends with her the first time around, but it "worked" in the sense that after longing to be together with her for 2 years, I eventually won her over and we got back together for what has now been another 2 years.
Just because I don't view this as my IDEAL scenario does not mean it can't "work".
The fact is, right now there is no scenario I would feel "happy about" other than just not wanting be be with anyone sexually other than me right away. I'm trying to find the best solution given that my ideal scenario is not in play right now. My plan is to get back to the 'ideal scenario'.
Yes, people change at our age, but there's also nothing wrong with knowing that you are truly in love with someone and that they are the right person for you. I not only feel this way about her, but she feels this way about me. So now, just because she says she wants to experiment her sexuality, means we should just give up THIS type of a relationship?
21 may be very young, but we are both old enough to feel that we want to marry each other some day. And I am not just going to throw that away because she wants to try sex with more than 1 guy in her life.
Perhaps we met TOO EARLY in life in some ways. If you're going to start dating the person you're going to marry when you're 15 years old, you can't expect there to not be many ups and downs. But at the same time, if we feel in our hearts we're right for each other, I'm not going to just throw that away.
And despite everything you say, the fact is that I believe we'll have a better chance of ending up together with this arrangement as opposed to breaking off relations entirely. I don't believe in destiny, and all that "If we're TRULY meant to be together we'll be together in the end anyway... blah blah blah" stuff. I want to maximize my chances of being with her in the end, and I believe this is the way to go.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
It seems to me that your argument is aimed at yourself, since you are pretty much dismissing the opinions given here. My question is why you feel you need to validate this idea with other people. The only two people it will affect is you and your GF, and it is nobody else's business. It will either work or not, and if you are prepared to risk the possible hurt and unwanted outcome, then by all means go for it. Sera.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
You seem determined to defend your decision, rather than listen to the advice and opinions here. I guess I wonder why you posted a question, if you weren't planning on listening (with an open mind) to any of the opinions offered?
You state, "Just keep in mind that this girl really, truly loves me. She couldn't even bring herself to break up with me - we were just going through some troubles. People don't say to each other "I see you as the person I am going to marry and have kids with" just to be polite. She says those things to me, and it's because she really means them."
My response is...if she really loved you she wouldn't want to sleep with other men, or date other men. She would be committed to you. If she couldn't bring herself to break up with you, then why did you offer to let her sleep with other men? You made it sound like you had two options- break up or go with the open relationship. If I were her, I would interpret your offer of an open relationship as you don't value her enough to want exclusivity. I truly think it's going to backfire. You might still have time to save this, if you talk to her about your feelings.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
I am not dismissing those people who think my idea won't work. But I am giving my reasoning for why I think they were wrong.
With all due respect, I really don't care about your opinions very much. I mean that in the nicest possible way. But let's be honest - you don't know me, or my girlfriend, or our relationship, and thus cannot possibly have a grasp of the situation the way that I do.
So why did I post this at all? Good question, but perhaps the biggest reason is because I wanted some people to play devil's advocate. This gives me a chance to rationalize what I am doing as I weigh all the thoughts in my head.
AND LET ME JUST SAY, THAT I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR RESPONSES.
...
"My response is...if she really loved you she wouldn't want to sleep with other men, or date other men. She would be committed to you. If she couldn't bring herself to break up with you, then why did you offer to let her sleep with other men? You made it sound like you had two options- break up or go with the open relationship. If I were her, I would interpret your offer of an open relationship as you don't value her enough to want exclusivity. I truly think it's going to backfire. You might still have time to save this, if you talk to her about your feelings."
That just waaaaaayyyy off. There is no way she is going to interpret my actions in that way. She knows exactly how much I love her and want to be with her exclusively.
You're also quite mistaken if you don't think you can be in love with someone but also have desires to sleep with someone else. In fact, you're so far off and that I really don't know where to begin. But the idea is, she's only had sex with me, and right now she is curious to explore a different sexual experience. This doesn't mean she doesn't love me.
Last edited by bertrandian; 12-10-2009 at 03:52 PM.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
All I can speak from is my own perspective, which is a woman's perspective, and not all women think the way I do - however-
You state: You're also quite mistaken if you don't think you can be in love with someone but also have desires to sleep with someone else. In fact, you're so far off and that I really don't know where to begin. But the idea is, she's only had sex with me, and right now she is curious to explore a different sexual experience. This doesn't mean she doesn't love me.
In my case, at least, when I love a man I have zero desire for other men. Period. I don't lust for other men, I don't wish I was with another man, I don't have curiosity about other men. I've been with my fiance now for 9 years and that holds as true for me now as when we first fell in love. That's the only perspective I can provide... my own. I am sure many other people have different perspectives.
You're right- I don't know you or your GF. I was trying to provide realistic responses to the proposed scenario because it appeared that you were conflicted and seeking advice. I will cease and desist responding to you now. It looks like you have your mind made up, and I do wish you the best of luck. I hope your plan is successful.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
That's so weird, I was JUST talking to my best friend on the phone. I was telling her about feelings of inadequacy when my boyfriend comments on another girl being hot or whatever, and I said "it's just that when I'm in a relationship and falling in love, I have no desire to even kiss another guy. I can see that other people are attractive, but I just don't want to be with another man sexually except my boyfriend." So I guess I'm another that feels the same way as Eagle. My friend on the phone agreed, so that's 3 women. I don't know, it just seems that it's easier for guys to separate love and sex and it's normal for guys to be able to sleep with someone else when they're in love (not that they SHOULD, just sayin...) However I don't know many women who actively want to sleep with other men when they're in love. I'm sure she still loves you and cares about you OP, but if she wants to sleep with other men, maybe she's not as IN LOVE with you as you think? I know for myself I just can't imagine wanting what she wants if I was truly in love with someone. I understand what you're saying and it is unrealistic maybe that she would only sleep with one person her entire life. I think the most natural course for that would be to actually break up and she can experiment that way, instead of doing all her experimentation while she's still in a relationship. I went through that phase myself, where I slept with multiple people, but it wouldn't have worked when I was in a relationship. I have a feeling that if she does find out what it's like to sleep with other people, it's not just going to be sleeping with them. It's highly possible that she will develop feelings for one of them. That's what happens when women sleep with people. I agree with the others - you are not listening to us, even when we have experienced this situation first hand. It sounds like you're just going to do what you're gonna do anyway. That's fine, but I do think it's going to bring more pain than you realize, and I don't think it's very natural. It feels more like trying to force something that has run its course.
Re: In a long-term relationship that is about to become an "open relationship"
Thanks for the kind words and for sharing your opinion.
Let me just say that I am like you. When I am in love, I have no desire to be with anyone else - just the person I am in love with. In an ideal world, me and my girlfriend would spend the rest of our lives together from this day forward and neither of us will ever so much as flirt with another person of the opposite sex.
However, not all situations and all people are the same. My girlfriend happens to love me but also feels the need to sleep with more than 1 man in her entire life... so I am doing this for her.
Edit:
Our relationship has not run its course. How could it have run its course when we both still want to be together, and we both actively say we see ourselves getting married one day. That's not the type of discussion you hear in a relationship that has "run its course".
Last edited by bertrandian; 12-10-2009 at 04:37 PM.
