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Old 12-24-2009, 07:53 AM   #1
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girlfriend... confused

I was a member of these boards years ago and everyone here helped me through some bad times. Dont remember any of my old contact info, so i have a new screen name. All of you were such a big help then, i didnt know where else to turn now.

I dont even know where to begin.

My girlfriend and i have been dating for about three months but in that time got very close. i absolutely adore her and am really falling for her. i take the word love very seriously, and wouldnt go that far...yet. However, a month before we got together she broke up with her ex of three years and moved out of their apartment of 2 years. Since then they have maintained a text message relationship which mostly consisted of him texting her to get her back and her telling him no, and her checking on him to see if he is okay, etc... she was honest about this the whole time we've been together. I think it's important to note that the ex is a waste of space, former drug user, that was kind of like a child to her (her words)... which was the reason they broke up. Since there break up he lost his job, which wasn't a great job to begin with, she was the only good thing in his life and has now gotten back into drugs, etc... I am his polar opposite; im very stable, have good family, friends, career, etc... He is a "bad boy" and i'm a lawyer.

The other night she handed me her phone to fix something and i accidentally saw a text from her to him that read "i love you too byeeeee."

i was heartbroken and she saw me see it. We talked and she was very forthright. She told me she has no interest in ever dating him again, she wants to be with me, but she still cares for him and worries about him. She apologized for the i love you text and said it was kind of a second nature thing and didnt mean she was still in love with him. She agreed that he probably doesnt diferentiate between the old i love yous and the new ones and agreed not to tell other dudes she loves them why we are together. I didnt get mad, i didnt yell, but in my subtle way a made my point and let her know i was disappointed.

Now this whole episode brought everything to the surface for her and she knows she needs to cut him off for us to work. She is having trouble cutting him off.

Please keep in mind that i am terrified that i could lose her... she is amazing and i am head over heels. I have known her for much longer than we have been dating and have always liked her. Things with us have been great up to this point. Her friends tell me she has never been happier and i am doing all the things i did wrong in previous relationships, right in this one. We have an amazing connection and she feels it too.. (i think)

So, we finally had a long talk about this yesterday. In that talk, she made it clear that she wants to be with me, but cutting this ex off is difficult for her. I told her to relax, i'm not going anywhere, i told her exactly how i felt about her and that i was willing to be patient. I told her i was willing to swallow my pride and wait. I was willing to take baby steps, take a break, whatever... whatever she needed. Now i wasnt completely soft, in that i told her if she goes to see him, we are done, if any part of her wants to date him again, we are done, if she lies to me about anything, we are done... etc. but as long as she is open and is going down the path to us being in bliss again, i was willing to be patient.

Basically i told her how i felt and where i stood. I acted like i was strong and calm (... havent eaten in two days). She said that the things i said almost made her cry. She said the things i said were the nicest most romantic things she ever heard and she said she still wants to be with me. However, she needs time. She feels like she should have spent more than a month single before her and i started dating. but she doesnt want to break up because we are already in pretty deep with one another. I agreed. I think if a relationship breaks up once, it's doomed.

I have no reason to think that she has lied to me, because she has at times been honest to her own detriment.

I just dont know what to do. Did i handle this right? am i a fool? What do i do next? do i give her a time limit to cut this kid off? do i ultimatum? i'm freaking out here (although she has no idea). I am willing to bend because she means a whole lot to me, but i refuse to be made a fool of. I know i was fine before i met her and i will be fine after, but these last three months were amazing... til now.

thanks so much.

 
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Old 12-24-2009, 09:44 AM   #2
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Re: girlfriend... confused

I think the truest thing is that you need to get over an old relationship before you start a new one. Some people are over it by the time they actually leave, others are not. There is a lot of processing needed to move on from a relationship with somebody who has major problems that contributed to the breakup. She has stages to work through, and you are good to be patient about this. I think you need to perhaps take pressure off her, but be there to listen and support. There is, I feel, nothing that will "happen", but she can hold up the process if she doesn't work towards cutting him loose. Remember that her previous relationship was probably pretty complicated, with elements of codependency (often a given when involved with an addict), and she has been making herself responsible for his welfare. Encourage her to realise that she is not responsible for him, that he is an adult making his own choices, and not to let him blackmail her emotionally by trying to get her to "be there" for him. Hopefully, this will all happen. I wish you happiness with her. Hint: educate yourself about codependency and enabling behaviours, and you may give yourself ways to help her along. Sera.

 
Old 12-24-2009, 11:32 AM   #3
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Re: girlfriend... confused

I don't think you are a fool, not at all. I think I'd handle it the very way you are doing. I am not sure, however, you should help her to get over her ex. Thsi is something she has to do by herself, with her own resources. All you can is wait her out. I would take my cue from her saying that she should have spent more than one month single. So, I would give her two or three months to sort herself out. During that "respite," I would leave her alone as much as possible, and would minimize all the contact with her. Wait until she says she is ready for you. Otherwise, you'd be better to move on, because her baggage could be simply too much for you to bear, no matter how much you adore her.

 
Old 12-26-2009, 08:58 AM   #4
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Re: girlfriend... confused

thanks for the advice. i took both into consideration but luckily didn't have to make a choice. She kind of made the decision for me.

Here's the update:

She came over last night for the first time and we had the talk we've been needing to. We're not broken up and she didnt even want to call it taking time off, but she basically just said that we need to slow down. She was very open with me about everything again, and said somethings that scared me and some things that made me feel like we might have a shot at fixing this.

Of the scary things, she said that she didnt break up with the ex because she didnt love him. She even said for a long time she planned on marrying him. She broke up with him because it just didnt work and he wasnt going to become the person she needed him to be. Anyhow, she said that in a perfect world, her relationship with him would have worked and she would have married him.

Now, she told me that she knows he cant change, and she knows they dont work and she never wants to be his girlfriend again... but all the feelings aren't gone yet. As black and white as i would view a thing like this, apparently it isnt that clean cut for her.

As far as her feelings for me. I flat out asked her if i am going to lose her over this and she said no. She said that ultimately, she wants to process her break up all on her own, without me serving as some sort of distraction, then get back on track with me. Again, she says she's happy with me, has loved our two months together... etc. all the right things.

The way i left it with her is that I told her just to keep me in the loop about how she is feeling and be honest with me. I told her i will not call her/text her for a while, but assured her i was only doing this because i thought it was best (planning on sending her some kind of sweet/inside joke text in 3-4 days). Ultimately, i told her that she needs to take a substantial step away from him and a substantial step towards me. If she is working towards that, i will keep myself open. We didnt discuss time-frame for our "slow down" because that just seemed ridiculous.

innocently (kind of), i asked her if her ex began telling/texting her that he missed her/wanted to change for her/blah blah before or only after he found out that her and i were dating. Well, that question kind of ****** her off. It really hit a nerve with her.

I am going to leave us spending any time in her hands and not suggest we do anything, which i told her. I'm going to do my best to keep myself busy, get my lazy butt back in the gym and hope for the best. Part of me is scared that if i get over this hurt right now, i might not want to let her back in later. The other part (much larger part) of me is, obvioulsy, scared that she wont come back to me at all. I feel like it is important, especially with how understanding i have been, to show her that i am fine without her. I dont want to play game, but i think i need to let her come back to me, as opposed to chasing her down.

If anyone has any additional advice, it is extremely appreciated. Thanks again.

 
Old 12-26-2009, 07:22 PM   #5
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Re: girlfriend... confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheapsuit View Post

I am going to leave us spending any time in her hands and not suggest we do anything, which i told her. I'm going to do my best to keep myself busy, get my lazy butt back in the gym and hope for the best. Part of me is scared that if i get over this hurt right now, i might not want to let her back in later. The other part (much larger part) of me is, obvioulsy, scared that she wont come back to me at all. I feel like it is important, especially with how understanding i have been, to show her that i am fine without her. I dont want to play game, but i think i need to let her come back to me, as opposed to chasing her down.

If anyone has any additional advice, it is extremely appreciated. Thanks again.
Keeping busy and being "fine" without her is good; it is not gameplaying, it is knowing that the last thing she needs now is to feel guilty about another needy male. She sounds like she is aware of his tactics; really, you have to play by her rules just at the moment. Keeping the lines open in a light hearted way is good - I would say that a cheerful and considerate friend is what you can be best right now. Nothing romantic, maybe a movie now and then, just stuff that friends do. Stay around on her periphery, not getting in too close. She will see you there for the duration. Having said that, keep busy, go to the gym, live a life, and keep strong for whatever happens. Cheers, Sera.

 
Old 12-27-2009, 12:38 AM   #6
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Re: girlfriend... confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheapsuit View Post
...

If anyone has any additional advice, it is extremely appreciated. Thanks again.
Hmm, I don't think I have. You are already doing the right thing, on the right way. Future is uncertain. Maybe you will lose her, maybe you will have her. For the time being, enjoy your "independence."

 
Old 12-27-2009, 01:55 AM   #7
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Re: girlfriend... confused

cheapsuit,
you're not going to like what i'm going to have to say, but you shouldn't have to take baby steps or take a break to get respect in a relationship.
she doesn't respect you, and cares about her ex more than she cares about you.
her inappropriate text-a-thon with him is proof that she doesn't care about losing you. why would you gamble something precious?
if i were you i wouldn't spend time with her again.
when she calls, tell her you were a good bf & you didn't deserve to be treated that way & move on to a girl who will appreciate an accomplished professional and not need to sneak around with drug addicts.
i guarantee once you cut her loose she'll be sneaking to text you at all hours, but i wouldn't answer her.
if you take this girl back under any circumstances, it's just a matter of time till more trouble rears it's head. she sounds like a drama queen.

Last edited by nobodyknows; 12-27-2009 at 02:00 AM. Reason: whoops

 
Old 12-27-2009, 08:16 AM   #8
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Re: girlfriend... confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodyknows View Post
cheapsuit,
you're not going to like what i'm going to have to say, but you shouldn't have to take baby steps or take a break to get respect in a relationship.
she doesn't respect you, and cares about her ex more than she cares about you.
her inappropriate text-a-thon with him is proof that she doesn't care about losing you. why would you gamble something precious?
if i were you i wouldn't spend time with her again.
when she calls, tell her you were a good bf & you didn't deserve to be treated that way & move on to a girl who will appreciate an accomplished professional and not need to sneak around with drug addicts.
i guarantee once you cut her loose she'll be sneaking to text you at all hours, but i wouldn't answer her.
if you take this girl back under any circumstances, it's just a matter of time till more trouble rears it's head. she sounds like a drama queen.
Well that wasn't easy to read. I think that you raise some very good questions and believe me, the exact points you raised are things i have considered ad nauseam.

The reason i havent let those doubts take over, or felt disrespected, is that i saw her when she was with me, and i know her...etc. Now, i know i'm not exactly an objective observer, but i do my best to see through my emotions to the logic (occupational hazzard) and what i saw before this whole debacle happened was genuine. Seeing through the fear and hope, at the bare bottom of all this, i think i need to trust my instincts. They rarely let me down. I saw how happy she was with me and I think i would know if it wasnt real. When things were blissful between her and i, her fiends would even tell me unprovoked that she has never been happier.

I feel like, she basically did everything wrong in terms of properly breaking up with a person she was more or less still in love with. A person she just knows she cant be with and knows it doesnt work. She didnt cut off contact, she didnt delete pictures, she didnt take the steps to move on... All she did was start to date me, things with us began moving realllly fast, and she buried her feelings for the ex that she still hadnt dealt with... then it caught up with her.

Isn't it entirely possible that she could have real genuine feelings for me, want to be with me, but needs a little time because she failed to properly get over a person she loved and lived with only 4 months ago?? This question is actually something i have realllllly been struggling with but i think the answer is yes.

If you're wondering, i do realize how ridiculous some of my optimism sounds, but i dont want to give up just yet. I'm all about protecting myself from further hurt, but at what cost. When we had our talk about allll this, i looked her straight in the eyes and asked if i was going to lose her over this and she said no. I'm going to have a little faith in her and in my instincts... for better or worse.

Obviously your post hit a nerve and i hope i didnt come off a combative in my reply. I do sincerely appreciate the candor.

 
Old 12-27-2009, 11:20 PM   #9
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Re: girlfriend... confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodyknows View Post
cheapsuit,
you're not going to like what i'm going to have to say, but you shouldn't have to take baby steps or take a break to get respect in a relationship.
she doesn't respect you, and cares about her ex more than she cares about you.
her inappropriate text-a-thon with him is proof that she doesn't care about losing you. why would you gamble something precious?
if i were you i wouldn't spend time with her again.
when she calls, tell her you were a good bf & you didn't deserve to be treated that way & move on to a girl who will appreciate an accomplished professional and not need to sneak around with drug addicts.
i guarantee once you cut her loose she'll be sneaking to text you at all hours, but i wouldn't answer her.
if you take this girl back under any circumstances, it's just a matter of time till more trouble rears it's head. she sounds like a drama queen.
this post hits the nail on the head.

Cheapsuit, if I were you I would feel disrespected! You are a great catch and yet she's disrespecting you by txt'ing him that she loves him!

You should have kicked her out of your life as soon as you read that txt message. By telling her you'd be there for her and you'd wait for her, and all that, is simply confirmation to her that she has you wrapped around her finger.

I guarantee you she will be seeing her ex again and you certainly don't want to be her first runner up sure-thing for when it doesn't work out again!

 
Old 12-30-2009, 07:54 AM   #10
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Re: girlfriend... confused

Here is another update: Incase anyone is interested.

Thanks again for all the opinions.

Well i made a decision, pretty much on my own and i feel good about it. I deceided to move on like she is not coming back. I personally cant do the inbetween, waiting in limbo thing. I know that now. I have been a mess for the last week. So i realized i have two options: (1) actively fight for her; and, (2) let her go.

Fighting for her is desperate and just not in my make-up as a person. I do have a great deal of pride and have been bending that a lot recently. I agree that if you want something in this life, you fight for it, but not when it comes to love. The heart wants what the heart wants and desperation is not something i can/will ever show.

I deceded to let her go and now that i have made that decision, i see how it was the only decision to make. If I sat around waiting, worrying, praying she would come back for however long, what kind of man would i be if she did came back? What kind of boyfriend would i be? i would have no confidence in myself, our relationship, and i wouldnt be able to look myself in the mirror. I would feel like for the rest of the relationship that she had the upper hand, that i cared more and that it wasnt 50/50. I cant live with that.

Obviously, iF she doesnt come back, well, then moving on is also the right thing. I know how people relapse with ex's constantly and i know there is a good chance that is exactly what is happening.

Now, if i let go, like i know i can and have in the past, then when she comes back i will be in position to make an objective choice about whether i want to try again. There is very little i can control in this situation, but i can control myself, my feelings and how i handle it. If i get myself under control, in a place where i can 100% live with whatever comes of us, then and only then can i move on from this... with or without her.

All that being said, if she does come back eventually, its for the best and if she doesnt, its for the best. I'm not going to call her to tell her all this, because that would just be awkward. these changes are just on the inside.

She is still special to me and i am not shutting the door on any possible future. I dont hate her, and i'm not mad at her. Life just happens and it's no ones fault. To be perfectly honest, i dont think this is the end of the road for her and i. BUT i am moving on and putting her out of my mind. It's the only way for me.

Last edited by Cheapsuit; 12-30-2009 at 08:00 AM. Reason: oooooooops

 
Old 12-30-2009, 12:09 PM   #11
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Re: girlfriend... confused

I think you're doing the right thing. One thing I learned after my divorce, a year or so after in fact, is that even if you are the one breaking it off (which I was) you still need to grieve. She needs to grieve the relationship, convince her subconscious that it's over, and move on by herself. As you said, if you fight for her or even guilt her into staying with you, you will always wonder. Not cool and extremely unhealthy. Very astute of you to be able to arrive at those conclusions even while so close to the situation! Best wishes.

 
Old 12-30-2009, 12:51 PM   #12
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Re: girlfriend... confused

Giving her some space is a good idea. She said she needed it, and you are being a gentleman in offering. Not to mention, your absence will likely help bring things into perspective for her and my guess is she'll miss you and will call you. From everything you've said about her ex, it sounds to me like the choice is clear. Although I am very impressed with her statement that she wants to process the breakup on her own and not use you as a distraction...that's excellent because it will help prevent possible emotional transference.

 
Old 06-15-2010, 05:31 PM   #13
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Re: girlfriend... confused

im hoping she stops that friendly relationship with her ex. she should let go and not talk to him no more. you should never hide your feelings you should tell her how shes making you feel. (HAVENT EATEN IN 2DAYS) you seem like a great guy and i just wish you nothing but the best. if she continues with talking to him i think you should end it because shes going to keep doing it.

 
Old 06-15-2010, 05:38 PM   #14
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Re: girlfriend... confused

Well yeah hopefully he's eaten by now because that post is 6 months old.

 
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