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Old 12-31-2009, 12:15 AM   #1
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I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

Hey everyone. I can't believe I actually resorted to making this thread, but I'm in desperate need of support.

My boyfriend and I have been with each other for 2 years now. I have been living with him since June '09.

The thing that made me so attracted to my boyfriend was his sense of humor. He never fails to make me laugh, which is great. When we get along, we have lots of fun with each other, which is why I've been with him for so long. I really do love him.

However, he has a side to him that's very emotionally abusive towards me. His ex girlfriend told me that he has really bad anger issues, but since him and I were getting along so well, I didn't exactly believe her... until now.

A little background: My boyfriend's car got totaled last November so I kindly let him drive my car often, or I drive him around places. He also doesn't have a phone, so I let him use mine. I also buy all our groceries, clean up after him, show him loads of affection, and am all around just really nice to him. It's in my nature to be nice.

I don't want to overwhelm you's with reading, but here are examples of things he's done just recently.

- I ended up getting an iPhone for Christmas which I've barely been able to use. I tell him that I want to take it places with me but he insists that I leave the phone with him since he's expecting phone calls/needs to make calls. He calls me selfish for wanting to bring my phone with me when I run errands because he says no one ever calls me anyways. He got really angry with me tonight for deleting some applications he put on my phone that I found were unnecessary, again, yelling at me and calling me selfish.

- He got a parking ticket on my car which I asked him for a good couple months to pay before the fine gets worse. He would always put it off and get mad at me for bringing it up. The fine eventually went from 21 or so dollars to around 70 dollars. I asked him one last time to pay it and he got really upset and started screaming at me about it, calling me a ***** and telling me that money is a sensitive issue and to stop bringing it up. I felt really guilty and payed for it a few minutes after, leaving me completely broke. He never thanked me for doing so. I asked him politely if I could count that as a part of his xmas present since I am struggling so bad with money, but he didn't want that since paying a parking ticket isn't a normal present.

- He uses my car a lot, way more than I do. All I ask in return is that he puts gas money in when he does use it. Last night, we agreed to each put a few bucks in my gas tank (6 dollars all together.) He gave me a 10 dollar bill to prepay with. Not even thinking, I had the tank prepaid to 10 dollars instead of 6. When he saw what happened, he started screaming at me at the gas pump for how stupid I was and that I'm "retarded". He also yelled that I did that on purpose to try to get a few more dollars off of him. I cried and he yelled at me for crying over it.

- He told me that he doesn't like me defending myself when he does raise his voice at me or curse at me (he's called me a ***** countless numbers of times. I never call him names, I care about him too much.) He told me to stop being a "hero" to myself and that it will just lead to a more heated argument.

Remember, these incidences are only a few recent examples of his behavior towards me.

Wow, now that I typed that all out, I realize how unhealthy our relationship is. I tried confronting him a couple weeks back, stating that I feel like he was emotionally abusing me. He told me that I was overreacting and got really upset about that because he dealt with physical abuse from his mom's ex-boyfriend when he was a child, so he's really against it. I just don't think he realizes what emotional abuse is.

As I stated though, when we get along, everything is great. We have loads of fun and I feel extremely in love with him. I don't want to give up on our relationship quite yet... My wish is that someone here will give me some kind of hope and advise to keep this relationship strong. The only thing I can think of doing at this point is just distance myself until he shapes up so he realizes that he could lose me if he doesn't watch his temper with me.

Signed, dontknowwhattodo.

(I'm nervous that I'm going to feel bad for posting this thread about my boyfriend, especially if we end up getting along pretty well tomorrow.)

 
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Old 12-31-2009, 01:52 AM   #2
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

Well, I think you already know what people will tell you.

It is abuse and it's up to you if you want to live with it or not. I doubt very much he will change. I would give him one last chance and tell him things will be over if it doesn't stop, but that means you will have to be willing to end it.

I doubt very much he will change. It takes two to tango as they say, him to do these things and you who is letting herself be abused. He won't stop it. Will you?

 
Old 12-31-2009, 01:57 AM   #3
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

This isn't a relationship at all and you know it....if you want to laugh hire yourself a clown and you would be further a head. Come on girl!... you can't seriously think this guy would stay around if you made him pull his own weight/pay his own way. It isn't your job to be his entertainment committee and personal bank and if he was abused as a child perhaps he has mistaken abuse for some plain discipline which he sorely lacks...and even if he was abused it is time to stop blaming and grown up. He is using you and all his girl/friends and when they stop supporting him ...well as you see he moves on or they get sick and tired of his temper tantrums and they move on and you need to do the same thing. Why on earth would you allow this guy to take advantage of you and disrespect you just so you can laugh because it isn't funny and it is getting less funny...get a joke book or find some friends and have some laughs. I can only guess the people that love and care about you the most are watching this one sided relationship knowing that he is a jerk. This dude you are with is a laugh a minute as long as you are giving 100%...that isn't a relationship. You are not helping him or yourself by doing everything for him...all you are doing is making a fool out of yourself and I know you are stronger than that. Save yourself for someone that will be there for you and stand by you and contribute financially to this relationship. What do you think he will do when your credit is is ruined/gone...and it isn't far from that now ...do you think he will stick around if you can't even get a loan or a credit card. Never allow a man to ruin you this way...it just really isn't worth the laughter. Living together is the worst decision you made so now you are probably locked into some sort of lease. If you are not on the lease then pack your bags and move on out of there while you still have some money and some credit. I guarantee he will have another girl by his side within hours. He has to have a money source. Make no mistake he is not in love with you or anyone so apparently you are the only one feeling the love. You can't help him 'see the light' and I can only guess he wil get extremely violent if you suddenly took back all your things including your car which you are totally responsible for if he should happen to kill someone while driving. So be careful if you do decide that you are tried of supporting this guy. Is this what you would want for your children...If you were to ever have a child he/she needs parents that laugh together at the same time supporting each other. Please move on...you deserve better. Perhaps tomorrow will be a good day for him...but honey everyday with the love of your life is suppose to be fun with laughter and respect. If you ever think you need to walk on egg shells around someone then you don't really have a relationship. Good luck.

 
Old 12-31-2009, 07:07 AM   #4
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

it's in your nature to be nice??
is it also in your nature to be a doormat?
if you keep acting like a doormat, why are you surprised that he wipes his feet on you?
I strongly suggest you read the book co-dependent no more......
it helped me and it can help you too

 
Old 12-31-2009, 07:33 AM   #5
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

Wow. If you were my daughter, you'd have been back home living with me and forbidden to see this guy any longer! I can tell you just how this relationship will go if you continue in it.

He will continue to yell at you, degrading you, and it will happen more and more in front of people - the little comments about how dumb you are, and the stories and anecdotes that will prove his comments.

You will cower more and more, afraid to get him riled up.

He will buy whatever he wants, using your money as it is his. He will get mad if you buy something that he deems "stupid" or unnecessary. You will have no right to question what he wants.

Soon the depression will set in, and your friends and family members won't see you smile much. The times they do see you smile and have fun will consist of playacting on your part to keep them from knowing how bad it is.

As you become more and more depressed and beaten down, he will become angrier. If you think that "talking back" makes him angry, just wait until you see how angry he becomes when you cower, wince and cry!

Soon enough he will decide that you "deserve" to be slapped or hit because you are so stupid, or you did something that he doesn't like. Once he calms down, he will be sorry but it will be all your fault in his mind. He will make sure you know that he wouldn't have had to hit you if you hadn't done something wrong.

And the worst: your children will see this pattern of behavior over and over and over and over. He will yell and curse at your children, and most likely will severely discipline them.

So this man that you claim you "love" - you want this for your lifetime? For your children? Wow.

I'm sure you will say this won't happen to you; he loves you and he will "get it" and start treating you better. No, ma'am, that's not the way these things play out. Unless he gets help FOR HIMSELF, he will never change as he can not see what is going on. He has deep seated anger and it is manifesting itself on anyone who he deems to be weaker than him. As long as you are in his sight or under his power, that will be YOU.

 
Old 12-31-2009, 08:58 AM   #6
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

I have to agree with what everyone has posted. I don't doubt that you love him, that's not the question. But the problem is that he doesn't love you back. The only reason he is with you is to use you for your phone, car and money. You're only important to him as long as you keep providing him with those things. As soon as you cut him off, he will totally lose interest in you. But not before he takes the time to scream and yell and probably beat you for taking those things away.

Listen to me, life is way too short than to be trapped in an abusive relationship like this. You don't need this guy. You can support yourself and take care of yourself. You need to get away from him before he really hurts you.

Just remember, if you take away all the stuff he is using you for, he will prove to you how much he doesn't care about you, only about the stuff. He's a jerk and you need to get away.

 
Old 12-31-2009, 10:06 AM   #7
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

Sigh...if I had a quarter for every woman who posted on here about how she does soooooo much for her BF and he treats her like crap...I'd be a millionaire!

You can NOT make a man love you by "doing so much" for him! Have you noticed that the girls and women who get all the men are the ones who don't do much for the guy at all??!! They insist that he do things for THEM, and in return, the guy worships them and adores them and doesn't leave. I bet you've seen girls who you think are selfish "B"s and you just cannot fathom why their boyfriends are devoted to them. That's because THEY get it...the way to a man's heart is not by acting like his slave, personal bank and doormat, it's by demanding respect!

Also, a guy does NOT owe you his devotion or is required to stay with you just because you CHOOSE to "do so much" for him. It isn't a deal where you act like his slave, maid, bank and doormat and in return he loves you.

So sorry, I do not have any "hope" that he will change to offer you. Seriously, why should he change? He has things exactly how he wants them, free place to live, free car and phone, free maid and cook, PLUS, he gets to unload on you whenever he feels like it and you are too afraid to fight back! He's not going to get a deal like that with many other women.

I'm not trying to be mean, but I just can't understand where this mindset came from that makes girls and women think they have to act like this in order to keep a man. If you have to do all this to keep this guy, then he's not worth keeping. Period.

Please take all our advice and end this, before you are totally ruined financially, your self-esteem is in the toilet and you have no friends left.
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Old 12-31-2009, 11:00 AM   #8
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
I'm not trying to be mean, but I just can't understand where this mindset came from that makes girls and women think they have to act like this in order to keep a man. If you have to do all this to keep this guy, then he's not worth keeping. Period.
Amen!

I hope all of the girls in a similar situation are reading this and taking notes. I know there's a learning curve and we've all been there, but some of us here have learned our lesson and we're trying to talk some sense into these girls who keep coming here and posting the same story over and over again. It's the same thing - but they love him! Who cares if you love him? He doesn't love you back, he doesn't respect you, he is just using you, point blank! That's true for 98% of the similar posts on this board right now!

 
Old 12-31-2009, 12:40 PM   #9
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

Exactly. You've gotten some really great advice here, Don'tknow. I hope you will listen to it.

Most of us here have been in your shoes, and we have learned the hard way. I've pulled the "but I can't leave him, I LOVE him" nonsense. I learned the hard way that the reason why I couldn't leave him, took his crap, and thought if I just loved him well and good enough, it would make him love me back, the reason was not because I loved him so much, but because I loved ME so little. I think you're making the same mistake. You have to take care of yourself first, and be healthy and whole before you can really love someone else in a productive, positive, healthy way, and if you really loved yourself, you would NOT let this jerk treat you this way.

I think you know what to do, you just don't want to do it, out of fear or desperation or something. You know this guy is WRONG when he tells you YOU'RE the one being selfish for not letting him take YOUR iphone away from you that you got for Christmas. You know he's WRONG when he tells you that you have no right to stand up for yourself in an argument. You know he's unhealthy and abusive and will not change. You KNOW all this. And you are hoping that the fairy tales we read as children are true. That once he sees your self sacrifice and once you prostrate yourself in front of him enough, the ugly beast will turn into a charming prince once and for all. Real life just ain't that way. He will continue to erode and chip away at your self esteem, he will continue to make you think you're the crazy unhealthy one until you finally really start to believe it, and you will no longer have the strength to do things that were once easy for you, you will no longer enjoy things that used to be fun, you will become scared of your own shadow, insecure, you will stop being able to trust your own judgment, and you won't even know how it happened. It happens slowly, and it sneaks up on you, IF YOU LET IT. And once you let it, it's a long road back. I went back two more times and after he had married, I still needed "closure" and contacted a mutual friend of ours, and got my teeth kicked in yet again, until I finally learned that just because these guys wanted to treat me badly, didn't mean there was anything wrong with me. They were just bad people. The mutual friend was down right sick. And I had made myself sick trying to find favor in someone who thought I deserved no respect or honor or dignity at all. But I got healthy. And now, no one will ever be able to make me sick again. When you look at this guy and realize that his bad behavior is a result of HIS sickness and not your selfishness or inadequacy, that will be a big first step on the road to healthy, self respecting maturity. I hope you take that step a hell of a lot sooner than I did.

You can't love him into being healthy, and you can't love him into being the man you need and want him to be. It's time to admit you made a mistake in choosing this man, and the only tragedy in that mistake would be to stay with him one moment longer, chalk it up to a big lesson learned, hold your head up, and pick up the pieces and move on with your life. There is someone better around the corner. It wouldn't be hard at all to be better than this unhealthy, abusive, selfish jerk. And even if there isn't anyone better than him just around the next corner, give it time, and until then, be your OWN best friend. Alone sucks, but bad company is SOOOOOOOOO much worse. Believe me.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 12-31-2009 at 12:46 PM.

 
Old 12-31-2009, 02:38 PM   #10
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

If you are prepared to put up with this treatment now, be prepared to also endure it for as long as you hope to stay with him. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong, so will continue as long as you put up with it.

And it will be your own choice to subject yourself to it.
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Old 12-31-2009, 02:49 PM   #11
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

don'tknow: This guy sounds like he might have Bipolar Disorder. Everyone's advice is good. The only thing I'd recommend you to do if you're going to break up with him is to get a restraining order on him so you can be safe. These type of people will go off the deep end when things don't go their way. You've suffered enough. It's going to be a New Year tomorrow. Make it your New Year's resolution to start NEW. Out with the old, in with the NEW. This guy is going to ruin your life. Don't be naive. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. Keep your guard up. Where's his family in all of this? He's a selfish person and is definately using you. Get out before it gets worse.

 
Old 12-31-2009, 03:09 PM   #12
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

I didn't read all of the post but just a little was too much to put up with from your boyfriend. It sounds like money it tight and that is a time that is a true test to a relationship. This relationship has failed the test. GET OUT NOW!!! RUN do not walk away from this relationship. You are in danger of further abuse. Verbal abuse is ABUSE.

 
Old 12-31-2009, 03:23 PM   #13
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

Wow, you're living with my ex-husband. I can tell you from years of experience, he won't change. He thinks that just having HIM as your bf is repayment enough. In his eyes, you will always be indebted to HIM. He's already belittling your feelings and calling you names. "B" was his pet name for me, also. If he isn't already, he will begin chiseling away at your self-esteem until you truly feel like no one else will have you, and yes, you are indeed lucky to have him.

Run, run, run...as fast as you can from this relationship! He will not change. He doesn't have to. You've already conditioned him into knowing you will tolerate his behavior, and nothing you say, will convince him that YOU would have the audacity to leave HIM.

 
Old 12-31-2009, 04:17 PM   #14
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

I'm just going to say one thing and then duck.

I'm really, really tired of reading these threads about a man/woman who is a jerk and always, always coming up on the "he/she is bipolar" answer.

But sometimes a jerk is just a jerk. I hate that people are so willing to provide that diagnosis with so little information. There have even been times when the actions described don't fit the condition.

People who are bipolar struggle. Slapping that tag onto anyone who acts like a jerk is dismissive to the severity of the condition.

This guy is a user. He can charm as long as he's getting what he wants. And, as another poster said, he thinks just being in this woman's life is reward enough for her. I don't know if he's bipolar but I doubt it. Arrogant as all get out, I'd bet it. And to the OP, I'd end it. I know it's very difficult when you have the good to mix with the bad. We tend to want to emphasize that good, and dismiss the bad. But the bad is the part that will tear you up over and over and over. And you do sound like too nice of a person to have to live with that forever.

 
Old 12-31-2009, 05:12 PM   #15
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Re: I do so much for my boyfriend but get treated bad in return.

Resolution, I do tend to agree with you there. I do not believe that every single person out there who treats their partner badly is diagnosable. Some people are just lying, cheating, jerky users who care nothing about anyone but themselves.

This guy is taking advantage because his GF allows him to. As someone else said, the pattern is set. He knows he can do and say anything he wants and she will slink off and just take it with little or no protest. And when she does protest, he bullies her into apologizing or acquiescing. This guy has got it made, and unfortunately doesn't care enough about her to care that he's treating her badly. Most of us don't treat others this way; some do, and this guy thinks it is ok because she stays. I'm sure he tells himself "if she really didn't like it, she'd leave, but since she stays it must be ok with her...and anyway, she deserves it for being such a doormat!"

This is not a nice guy and he deserves to be left in the dust.
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