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Old 01-13-2010, 12:43 PM   #1
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Feeling jealous and insecure in my relationship

Hi,

I was doing an internet search about being insecure and jealous and found this site. I hope someone has some insight or help...

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over three years. I moved in with him about a year ago. We are doing well, remodled the kitchen, have taken nice trips together, and have an intimate and close relationship.

The problem is that I am intensely jealous recently, increasingly insecure. My boyfriend is, and always has been, a very charasmatic guy with lots of friends, male and female. Recently, it seems like there have been several occasions when women have confided in him, for various reasons. (like boyfriend issues, etc). My boyfriend likes being helpful and I think he has always kind of enjoyed being the kind of guy who saves the damsel in distress.

I do talk to him when I get jealous. I try not to blame or get upset. I just state me feelings mostly. He always reassures me, says I'm the only one, says that he would never jeapordize what we have.

This past weekend was really hurtful for me. He told me he was stopping by a bar for happy hour for a friends birthday (a guy who was having a party.) Instead of inviting me he said he would only be a half hour and then come home and we would have the evening to ourselves. Well, a half hour turned into two hours. To his credit, he did call me after about an hour and appologize, but he never mentioned or ask that I come and join him. Thats Very unlike him. When he got home, he mentioned that a woman friend of ours was there and that she was "bending his ear" over a recent break up. I was jealous. That night was also a the first time ever he was unable to "perform", despite his taking a whole Viagra. Even the next morning, still no "action". I felt uneffective and unwanted- even though I shouln't feel that way. He tried to reassure me its not me fault.

Also he talked to an ex girlfriend for 40 minutes the other day. He even mention to her she should come by and see the new kitchen. Why??

Also last weekend he asked if I wanted to go to a party we were invited to. He mentioned the location and the host, both of which I do not care for. (the place is a seedy dive bar and the hostess is a cougar who hot on my boyfriend about a year ago). I turned it down and so neither of us went. I found out afterwards that a woman who my boyfriend knows is trouble was there and he knew she was going to be there. This woman was at a male friends party two weeks ago, and waited for his wife to go to bed, then took off her top and gave him a lap dance. Real classy. I had issue with that, and my boyfriend knows that. Why did he not mention she would be there?

It's just a handful of instances like that recently. Just today he announced that he is going to go on a business trip late in February for 4 days. This will be a first. Of course my insecurities went crazy, but I tried not to show it.

So I have been battling all this insecurity... I gained some weight over the holidays, and also I feel that I am a financial burden on him. I fear that he is mentally checking out and that other women are starting to look like an option for him.

Can anyone help with this feeling?? I WANT so bad to believe him when he says he has no reason to "go elsewhere". How can I stop obsessing?


Last edited by River rocks; 01-13-2010 at 12:57 PM. Reason: spelling

 
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Old 01-13-2010, 01:16 PM   #2
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Re: Feeling jealous and insecure in my relationship

I think that you are justified in being a little concerned. His withdrawal and distancing himself from you may indicate an affair, or at this stage maybe just the consideration of an affair.

It sounds as though he's not doing a good job at reassuring you otherwise.

The truth is that from what you've said he could be completely innocent and the distancing himself could be completely unrelated to infidelity. on the other hand he could be a bare faced lier.. I don't know how typical i am- but the only time i've distanced myself from a woman and avoided her (and then gone out to be social) was when i was persuing another woman..

The only advice i can give you is - don't beat yourself up about being insecure as his behaviour would make anyone have doubts.. i think the truth will come to light in time.

hope this is of some use

George

 
Old 01-13-2010, 02:39 PM   #3
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Re: Feeling jealous and insecure in my relationship

Thanks for the input, George.

I'm going to trust him, at this point I don't have any real concrete reason to believe he is having an affair. It sucks to be in this period of doubt. Wish I could shake it.

I imagine that the one thing I should be doing to get my mind off my fears is to just keep bettering myself. Keep working out, keep making my self esteem grow, so that these doubts will feel less like huge monsters.

Thanks again. I'll post again when I "know" more for sure or if the feeling just passes.

Last edited by River rocks; 01-13-2010 at 02:40 PM.

 
Old 01-13-2010, 03:00 PM   #4
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Re: Feeling jealous and insecure in my relationship

i think that's by far the best thing to do. Focus on yourself and doing things that strengthen you as a person , as an indivudual in your own right..

it's definately going to be easier if you give him the benifit of the doubt for the time being until the period of uncertainty has passed.

i hope things prove to be alright- will keep an eye out for another post!

all the best

 
Old 01-13-2010, 04:44 PM   #5
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Re: Feeling jealous and insecure in my relationship

I feel your pain my friend! I just posted a novel about my own feelings of intense insecurity--so I certainly appreciate George's advice.

Hang in there and let me know how you are doing?

 
Old 01-14-2010, 08:08 AM   #6
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Re: Feeling jealous and insecure in my relationship

Depends on how you are stating your concerns to him.I found that it's best to start out with"I feel,etc"so that he won't automatically be on the defensive.You said that he can be very charismatic,etc.so you already know what he's all about.Alot of guys(females inc.)can be like that and it is just their style.Usually it means nothing.Are you feeling jealous,etc.due to your weight gain?I fully understand that part.However,unless you see or hear of solid evidence,I would recommend relaxing a bit.After all,he is with you,you're committed to each other...All the best...

 
Old 01-14-2010, 02:08 PM   #7
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Re: Feeling jealous and insecure in my relationship

I think several people will disagree with me, but I think something's up. He may not be cheating right now, but he continually seems to put himself in situations that are not wise. I think he will end up cheating if he hasn't already.
I would run as fast as I could. I would look for another man who doesn't have jerks for friends. The lapdance thing is stupid. Where does he find these people? There are nice guys out there. And what is he doing using viagra? He sounds young from his actions.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you deserve better. I think you know in your heart if he's cheating.

 
Old 01-14-2010, 04:50 PM   #8
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Re: Feeling jealous and insecure in my relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by beadle View Post
I The lapdance thing is stupid. Where does he find these people? There are nice guys out there. And what is he doing using viagra? He sounds young from his actions.
The lap dance thing was SOO stupid. Here we were at his best friend's 50th birthday party. And this skanky woman is the girlfriend of my boyfriend's past room mate. (he used to rent out a room in his house). His ex roomie is a total nut case loser. He and this woman showed up at the party. Things got a bit crazy and next thing I know she has her top off, gyrating all over his best friend. He (my boyfriend was in another room missed the whole thing, lucky for me.

My boyfriend is 54 this year and I'm 40. I have to agree, he has so LOSER friends. I like some of them, but do not like others. He swears to god he is not like his friends. But I suppose the company he keeps is yet another reason I feel insecure at times.

I appreciate your opinion and advice!

Last edited by River rocks; 01-14-2010 at 04:50 PM.

 
Old 01-14-2010, 05:39 PM   #9
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Re: Feeling jealous and insecure in my relationship

I would invite him to hang out with you and your friends more, maybe the two of you could use a few more new friends.

 
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