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Old 01-24-2010, 10:36 AM   #1
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Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

Hello, My name is David. I have never posted on these boards before and I am looking for some advice and input, and some help putting things into perspective.
A little about me to start out, 39, divorced and father of 2 kids. I started dating about 3 years ago, I never really got into a serious relationship with anyone mostly just casual dates and such. I had a very long and difficult relationship with my ex wife who had alot of emotional/anger issues and I have spent most of my adult life being walked all over by her.
About 6 months ago I made a great connection online. Her name is JJ (to keep it annonymous) and we chatted online for about 2 weeks on and off, we met in person at a coffee shop and had a very casual and fun first date. We agreed to see each other again and made plans to go out to dinner the next weekend. We ended up going out on about 5 dates total over a 4 week period, each time we got closer and seemed to be very connected to each other. We laughed and joked, talked about our pasts, and she seemed almost to good to be true(sound familiar?) Both of us are quite shy and we became very comfortable with each other, had lots in common, we both had similar relationships in the past (her ex was verbally abusive). We started texting and calling each other more and more and within a few weeks we were talking or texting on a almost daily basis. We started becoming more flirty, she became very open and on the phone and thru text messages and she began telling me that she really liked me alot and had never met someone so amazing as me. I felt the same way and was so excited with the way things were going for us. We talked about family and holidays and both agreed we wanted to start seeing each other alot more.
We had known each other at this point for about 2 and a half months total. This was in late september. We went out for her birthday and had a great time. She told me on the way back to her appartment that she was falling in love with me and although she was scared alitte by how much she was falling for me and she was afraid I was going to leave her (her insecurities get worse as our relationship goes on) but she trusted me and wanted to get more serious. We continued to talk and text everyday thru october and the last week of october she called me one night while I was at work, and left me the sweetest voicemail. She told me she was so in love with me and she knew we were solemates..I of course was very happy to hear her say this as I was feeling the same way.
Everything seemed so great and we continued to grow closer and closer.
In early November, her mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and was given 6 months to live. JJ and her mom were very close and JJ's father had died of cancer 6 years ago. Her mom began treatments in boston and JJ had to driver her out there on the weekends and stay with her, while her ex husband watched the kids. During the week she had to work of course and this took a toll on our relationship as we really couldnt see each other much. We continued to talk and text everyday. She became very insecure about our relationship and started to question if I still loved her with everything going on. I did love her and reassured her constantly that I was with her 100% and nothing would change. In late December her mom took a turn for the worse and since then JJ has been out in boston 5 days a week, coming home only long enough to see her kids a couple days and get fresh clothes. We continued to keep in touch still talking daily but the stress of her mom being sick and us hardly seeing each other started to take its toll on our relationship and we started agrguing over stupid things on the phone..almost every phone conversation ended with both of us in tears and her questioning why I still loved her. I felt like I was loosing her and the distance was taking its toll on our relationship.
I decided to surprise her 2 weeks ago by driving out to Boston on the weekend to visit her ( i had been out there twice before but they were both planned trips and she knew I was coming). I showed up with on friday night with flowers and get well cards for her mom and a big boquet of flowers for JJ and a balloon that said "I love you". She was happy, crying uncontrollablly, telling me she loved me too. I felt better that night we talked alot and we agreed to spend Saturday in Quincey market to spend time together and get her away from things for a day.
Saturday was greet, we walked around and talked, shopped and laughed. She was smiling and happy, we held hands all day and she seemed like her old self. We had dinner out Saturday night, instead of in the Hospital and we talked. She said she was sorry about her being so insecure and and always crying on the phone but she was really scared of loosing me and with everything else going on with her mom she couldn't handle that. Again I reasured her I was in this with her for the long haul. There was no one else I wanted to be with besides her and I wasnt going to break up with her! I made a promise, I promised her that my feelings for her were true and would never change. She cried and told me she didn't know what she would do without me, and that she loved me. We spent the evening back at my Hotel room, watched TV and talked. I held her the entire time, we kissed and said goodnight and she left around midnight.
Sunday morning came and I had to leave to head back home, had to get my kids by 2 and it was a 4 hour drive back home. I stopped by the hospital to check in on her and her mom and say goodbye. JJ walked me out to my car and we stood there for a while just kissing and her crying on my shoulder. I felt so bad leaving her. As I got in my car she grabbed my arm and pulled me towards her once more...and said to me" David, I want you to know I love you with all my heart and no matter what happens between us I will always love you". I was alittle confused by this statment, and said, "whats going to happen"?..Nothing she said, I just think its imprortant you know how much I love you! I promised her I would call her when I got home, as she worries about me driving.
I left, didnt really think to much more about what she said, I figured there was no sense reading to much into words. I called her when I got home, I got her voicemail and left a message that I was home and I loved her.
I didnt hear back from her until around 10PM, I got a text message saying she got my voicemail and that she missed me and she would call me in the morning.
Monday came and went, I sent her a few texts, asked if everything was ok...never heard back from her.
Tuesday she was supposed to come back home to see her kids for a few days, but I got a text from her saying she needed to stay out there until wednesday, and she would talk to me later. I text her back and asked if everything was ok? No answer. I sent her a text about an hour later telling her "I love you". No answer. This seemed very odd..there has never been a time since we started telling each other that we were in love that she never responded to that type of text from me..I would usually get a text back saying something like..awww I love you to David! I love you very much!...Ok no big deal, I realize she is under alot of stress there and her mind isnt really on me right now.
Wednesday comes and goes, I called, left a voicemail, sent several texts...no answer. I tried calling her wednesday night, left another message...no response.. I got one text message Wed night around 11, saying "Im home, sorry..bad day".
I text her back, ok call me tommarrow please I really want to hear your voice. No answer back.
Thursady came and went..no phone calls, no texts from her. Friday I am starting to get nervous..this is weird. not like her to blow me off..She wouldnt answer her cell phone or my text messages.
Saturday morning she calls finally! Says shes sorry, things are really crazy and she is heading back to Boston. Ok, I said, we talk for a few more minutes and the she says, "I will call you when I get out there"..Ok I say. I love you!....she says nothing....very weird.
I got a text around 4PM saying she was there and going to the hospital. I said..ok, and then asked her if she was ok...I got a message back saying..Yeah...I guess..
Sunday..didnt hear from her all day. I left her alone..
Monday...nothing
Tuesday...I sent several texts, no answer...tried to call...left a voicemail..no response from her.
Wednesday she calls my cell while I was at work and left me a very weird message-" Hi David its JJ, Listen I dont think its a good idea if you come out this weekend I just need to be alone and think about things..I am a mess right now..ok...I dont know if I can keep doing this to you it seems so unfair to drag you into my messy life right now and I dont want to hurt you. I love you but I think its best if we break things off right now until I figure things out...I am sorry...this is soo hard on me..(she starts crying)I will talk to you again soon..bye"
I didnt know what to make of that message..she seemed so distant so cold..I couldnt call her back because I was at work..I called as soon as I got out of work, and left her a message.. JJ, please call me back, I dont want to break up..I want to be there for you! Dont do this...lets talk ok please call me back..No response from her.
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I havent heard from her at all...nothing.. I have only sent her 2 messages..one asking her what was going on, the second saying I would give her space and to please call me....

I finally got a text from her last monday night...saying "Im home for a few days, mom isnt doing well, this is so hard on me. I am so tired ok.
I text her back and asked her if I could come over and be with her...I got a text back saying."No"....
I asked her "what do you want me to do JJ, I am very confused right now, I love you and care for you so much and you are pushing me away and I'm not sure what to do"
She text me back" David, do what you want to do. I dont want to talk about it"
Ok, I am here if you need me, please dont push me away JJ I said.
She sent me back a very short message that said" David everything I have told you is true but you are too much for me right now.I don't love you anmore.nothing more to say"

I havent heard from her since..I am crushed, and devistated, and yet kinda understand what she is going thru..Her mom is dying and she is under extreme emotional stress..I know a relationship is too much to handle right now but why tell me she doesnt love me anymore? Why hurt me so? We could have clearly taken a step back and just been friends for awhile and I could have been there for her as a friend. Why ruin everything? A part of me kinda hates her for the way she hurt me..and apart of me doesnt believe what she says. I think she still loves me but its too hard to deal with right now and maybe breaking things off with me completely is easier..
I guess I am looking for some advice and support right now.. Do i continue to try and contact her? Or walk away completely? Honestly I dont know if I can walk away completely..I fell so in love with her and theres no closure to our relationship..I'm sorry this so long, I feel better just writing about it and any help our advice on what to do hear would be great!
Thanks,
David

 
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Old 01-24-2010, 12:10 PM   #2
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

You could do what I did,many times ,after every kiss-off....have a nervous breakdown.These events did havoc to me,for most of my adult life.I don't thiink women are on the same wave-length.I don't believe you ever said that you ever
had sexual relations with her.aSSUMING YOU NEVER DID,THEN i WOULD SAY,YOU WERE A PLATONIC LOVER TO HER.It was a one sided relationship,I believe.I have complete empathy for you.Please chalk this up as a learning experience.I never heard of a long romance withouit any intimacy.Please believe that I am truly sorry that you didn't understand that you were in for the long haul,and she apparently was not.Thank God that you didn't go through my stuff...electro shock treatments,and all. I think the Lord said not to worry about yesterday,it is tomorrow rhat counts. Respectfully, Bill

 
Old 01-24-2010, 12:17 PM   #3
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

I'm sorry I didnt mention our relationship was very intamate in the begining. We kissed, touched, held hands, and yes slept together after our 5 th date (how could I forget) and several times after that. She was a very affectionate woman..Of course after her mom got sick things changed drasticly, which is understandable since her mom was sick. We havent had sex since after her mom was diagonsed with cancer, but that wasnt my main concern, as I was in love with her for who she was...or who I thought she was.

 
Old 01-24-2010, 01:08 PM   #4
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

I think the thing that bothers me the most is all through our relationship and more so as we got serious was, she was so worried about me breaking things off with her and even after her mom got sick she would always make me promise her that I was really in love with her and I wasnt going to break up with her..Maybe that lulled me into a even more fause sense or security with this woman because I never saw this coming. Guess thats why it hurts so much. Kinda Ironic I think, that she is ending things with me!

 
Old 01-24-2010, 02:01 PM   #5
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

Hey David,

Sorry you have to go through this but I'm going through it right now as well. Almost two years ago I met a wonderful woman and we quickly fell madly in love with each other. About 2 months into our relationship she needed to go to Atlanta (I'm from Montreal) to be with her daughter for a few months. We called and emailed each other every day, professing our love etc. When she came back to Montreal we continued our relationship and it was wonderful. We saw each other 4 to 5 times a week, made love, had fun etc. This continued on from the fall of 2008 to the summer of 2009. About 4 months ago I started noticing a change in her. She no longer ended our phone conversations with 'I love you' like she used to, only 'good night'. I also found that she was becoming less intimate with me. Still we saw each other most days of the week and continued doing things together. Then one day she finally told me she didn't love me anymore. It was devastating but not really surprising. I didn't want the relationship to end since I loved her and tried to keep it going for as long as possible. In fact we continued to see each other for another 3 months until very recently. I tried everything to rekindle the relationship but it was no use. I spent countless time and money on her and just last week she told me she's going back to Atlanta to be with her daughter.
Sorry to ramble on like this but I really wouldn't want anyone to make the same mistake I did these last few months. When your partner tells you she doesn't love you anymore then that is the time to walk away. I know it's difficult and there could be many factors to why she feels that way but you will be doing yourself a big favor by leaving and moving on. Staying in a relationship where you love your partner but she doesn't love you is poisonous and can affect you psychologically. Please find the strength to leave and move on. The chances of her loving you again are slim to none. I now wish I had left her 3 months ago. I probably would have been over her and maybe even found someone else. Please think about it long and hard.

 
Old 01-24-2010, 03:44 PM   #6
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

I guess maybe I'm in denial, but I still believe in my heart that she does love me and that this is just an easy way out of complicated situation and a very tough emotional time in her life.There were so many things she did and said during the past 6 months that point to her true feelings for me. I don't know. I also keep thinking back to what she said two weeks ago when I left Boston, "No matter what happens between us, please remember I will always love you"...did she know then she wanted out of this relationship? Is this a sick game she is playing with me?

 
Old 01-24-2010, 04:01 PM   #7
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

I guess it depends on what you still want from the relationship.

I actually felt for her more than you as I read the story and I'm not normally all that much of a softy if I feel like someone is being treated poorly. But I have been there with dying parents and I know that feeling of not being able to take one more ounce onto my shoulders. And while it may be hard for you to understand, even your love could have been that last ounce she could not take. You are the one expendable pressure. She can't walk away from anything else. And is she dealing with her Mom's death alone? Are there other brothers and sisters, a big family helping her? If not a lot of help, it's even worse. (Or worse yet, people that should be helping but are not.)

Will you know when her Mom dies? If so, I would send flowers to the funeral home when she passes. Then I'd wait a couple of weeks and send her an actual card in the mail and tell her that you are sorry for all she's been through and, if she would change her mind, you would be happy to some day get a text message saying to meet her for coffee. That's all. Assume you will not hear from her. But it could be that after she gets out from under all the anxiety, she will regret what's happened.

It's a fine line. You have to protect yourself. But I don't agree with Tomkay comparing his issue with yours. You are most likely seeing JJ at the worst possible time of her life. She is watching her last parent die a horrible, lingering death. I don't know that I would go so far as to assume this is the way she would normally react. And even though you may never hear from her again, I'd be tempted in this situation to leave the door cracked open just in case.

 
Old 01-24-2010, 04:15 PM   #8
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

I don't know if your parents are still alive or not David, but I have watched several very close friends of mine lose their parents. Something changes in you when that happens, like there's this hole in your heart that will never heal. It's one of the hardest things to go through in life to have your parents die. And for JJ to hve to watch her mom suffer, and I mean cancer causes more pain and suffering than you could possibly imagine, I'm sure it's just all too much for her to handle right now.

You're making this about you and your feelings. You even assume she is playing "sick game" with you (your words). You're just being really selfish, sorry. If you can't fathom the kind of pain and emotion and depth of overwhelming burden on her right now, to which the last thing she needs is one more person in her life needing her time and attention, then you really don't get it. If you can't understand that between all of what's happening with her mom and having to still be a mom to her own kids and having to deal with her work responsibilities, then like I said you really just don't get it.

Not everything is about you, David. There are far more important things going on in her life right now and you just need to understand that. It all has nothing to do with you but has everything to do with her and her family. End of story. Quit assuming there's more going on here because if you actually understood the situation for what it is then you would understand why she broke it off.

 
Old 01-24-2010, 04:46 PM   #9
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

Thank you ladies for your advice..I appreciate your input greatly and respect it! I am not at all a selfish person, as a matter of fact I am just the opposite. I usually put everyone elses needs before mine and I will tell you that I honestly dont know what she is going thru because I have never watched a parent die and being around her and seeing the emotional stress she is going thru breaks my heart. She does have a brother...hes pretty much usless, hes been out twice to see his mom in 7 weeks. JJ has had to make all decsions regarding her mom and I know this is alot for her to handle. I have never tried to be needy thru all of this and I know it sounds like its all about me but its really not. I guess I am just the type of person that likes to be there for someone I care for, and thats really all I want right now is to be there for her...be that as a friend or whatever. Until 2 weeks ago she needed me and wanted me so it isnt like I have been pressuring her.
JJ has no one else to turn to, she has a small family and thru all of this the one thing she has kept saying is that she doesnt know what she would do without me, and that I am the only bright spot in her life right now. Most of the descions she has made regarding her mother she asked me what I thought and wanted my input before she made them.
I have never pressured her about "us" during the past 6 weeks, I have only tried to be there for as a friend..no expectations or hidden motive. I know from a womans point of view this seems like I am being a "Typical guy" and thinking all about my wants and needs but i am really only trying to be what I thought she wanted and needed...love and supportive.
I realize she is not in a good frame of mind right now, and the last thing I want to do is add more pressure and stress to her life. I just want so badly to be there for right now because i know she has no one else.

 
Old 01-24-2010, 05:27 PM   #10
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

You "want" to be there for her right now, but right now, she isn't "wanting" that. So you really have no choice but to respect her "wants". I can understand that she just cannot handle one more person who "wants" something from her, even if you feel you are trying to help. She would have to take time away from her family to be with you and she just cannot do that now. Even though you may not see it that way, I'm betting she feels pressure from you and she cannot take one more thing.

If you do love her as you say you do, then do as resolution suggests...send flowers and a card and then leave her alone. No texts to say hello or to send support, no matter how much you think she may "want" you to. No trying to be a friend, please just give her what she needs right now. And if in the future she wants to re-establish contact and you are open to it, then go ahead.
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Old 01-24-2010, 06:39 PM   #11
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

I appreciate everyones responses. Now I feel even worse about this whole thing...like I am being a selfish jerk and i added more pressure to her life. I will leave her alone.

 
Old 01-25-2010, 11:08 AM   #12
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

Just as an update- I recieved a text message from JJ this morning(and no I did not try to contact her)Here's what she said:
Quote:
David, I am very sorry for the way I acted last week and everything I said. You know I didnt mean to push you away and I regret telling you I didn't love you beacuse you know that isn't true. I have no idea what to say now as I feel I have lost you for good or ruined things between us. If you are willing to still speak to me I would sure love to talk to you, I miss you something awefull. I am very sorry again for pushing you away....JJ

 
Old 01-25-2010, 09:43 PM   #13
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

Aw that's a sweet message... seems everyone was right, she does love you but is just really stressed out and under a lot of emotional pressure. I don't think you're being a selfish jerk, maybe a bit self-centered but we all are at times. It's not like you have bad intentions, you just haven't lost a parent. Did you respond to her? If I were you and I wanted the relationship to continue, I would respond, but continue to give her a bit more space and no pressure, whatever she needs.

 
Old 01-26-2010, 08:19 AM   #14
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

I did text her back to her with a text message, and we spoke for about a half hour last night on the phone, I basicly offered my support as a friend for now and she is very gratefull for that..everything else we will deal with later.

 
Old 01-26-2010, 12:44 PM   #15
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Re: Relationship Takes a turn for the Worse..looking for advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
I don't know if your parents are still alive or not David, but I have watched several very close friends of mine lose their parents. Something changes in you when that happens, like there's this hole in your heart that will never heal. It's one of the hardest things to go through in life to have your parents die. And for JJ to have to watch her mom suffer, and I mean cancer causes more pain and suffering than you could possibly imagine, I'm sure it's just all too much for her to handle right now.

You're making this about you and your feelings. You even assume she is playing "sick game" with you (your words). You're just being really selfish, sorry. If you can't fathom the kind of pain and emotion and depth of overwhelming burden on her right now, to which the last thing she needs is one more person in her life needing her time and attention, then you really don't get it. If you can't understand that between all of what's happening with her mom and having to still be a mom to her own kids and having to deal with her work responsibilities, then like I said you really just don't get it.

Not everything is about you, David. There are far more important things going on in her life right now and you just need to understand that. It all has nothing to do with you but has everything to do with her and her family. End of story. Quit assuming there's more going on here because if you actually understood the situation for what it is then you would understand why she broke it off.

Respectfully, I will disagree with this post. David offered his support to JJ, and she was the one to practically demand that he stay true to her. She NEEDED him and she said she would fall apart without him. She said she would always love him, then leaves him a message saying dhe doesnt love him. I think David deserved a bit more explaination and respect from JJ.
I do know what you are saying about having the unbelievably painful and taxing experience of caring for a dying parent on your shoulders and I agree that JJ must have been at her wits end with pressure. But, she could have given David 30 minutes of her time explaining why she had to say good bye to him. Just a little conversation- let him know she appreciated him even if this was good bye. He put his heart in, from what he wrote.

When she said "no matter what happens..." I have a feeling that there was more going on than David know. She already knew she was about to check out emotionally from him.

It is nice she sent the text to appologize. She probably realized she had really pushed him away and feels sorry. I imagine she still needs space though, so I would be wary of it.. she is hurting over her mom and maybe needs time before she tries to give herself to a realtionship.


Question for David- how long has she been divorced?

Last edited by River rocks; 01-26-2010 at 12:50 PM.

 
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