I've never done this before, but I'm to the point I need help terribly bad. I am 31 years old, divorced of a 6 year marriage, and have one son-he is six. My ex husband is an alcoholic, and sees his son every other weekend. He also has a daughter who is 11, my stepdaughter. I came into her life when she was 1 year old...I still see her all the time as she and my son go to the same school and after school care together. My ex and I separated when my son was 2, and I am now engaged to a wonderful man whom I know I am completely in love with...
Everything was going along smoothly in a wierd sort of way. No drama with my ex husband, my fiance gets along great with my son and takes care of us-but since June of 2009 things got really rocky. My fiances father passed away suddenly and our world came to an end as we knew it. His father owned a house at the beach-4 hours away from where we live. He left it to my fiance, his sister, and his brother. The house needs some remodeling done before they can either rent it out, or sell it if they need to-but none of them want to get rid of it. My fiance is a remodeler, its what he does for a living. With his sister and brother's personal situations going on right now it is impossible for them to move. My fiance moved in September, and I have been traveling back and forth on the weekends to see him as well as he has been coming up here. I am an RN, and up until December I was working but had planned on moving so I put in notice and left my job.
However, when it came time to move the holidays were upon us, my family started to freak out and I hit the panic button...several times. He has been down there all of this time trying to make the best of a terrible situation. He's lost it a few times-gone off of the deep end I mean. Which made it hard for me to uproot my son and move, trusting him that everything would be fine when we got there. He's been drinking a lot, we've been fighting constantly because I'm not there yet...it's been an absolute nightmare for everyone. Now the kicker...my mother is 60 years old and she tries to live through me. She keeps telling me over and over that I would be screwing up by moving because it would be taking my son away from his father and sister-and her. My mom and I have always been very close, to close. The move is not permanent-just until the house is finished which would be about 9 months, and then we would move back. My fiance says it is a financial investment that will set us in a great position in a few years, as it sits right now even without the remodel it appraises for 400,000 dollars..and its split between he and his sister as his baby brother wants nothing to do with it so they have bought him out. We've been fighting because my fiance says I am picking my son and my family over him-and now I am out of time. He says I have to make a decision now-or we are over. It is not cut and dry for me-but at the same time, I am miserable and crushed without being with him. People say kids adapt well to almost everything-I just worry about him. I would still drive him up every other friday to spend the weekend with his father and then I could spend time with my mother-and its not permanent right??? So why can't I do it? Why can't I take a leap of faith on my relationship with the one man I know is for me? Why am I worried about everyone else's thoughts and feelings? (not my son, my family and friends) I've never lived anywhere but here. Was born and raised here. It's killing me...please, help.
I don't like that he says you're picking your son and your family over him.....
how is what he's doing any different? you could argue back that he's picking his family over you and your son! He's doing what he has to do (picking up the pieces after his fathers death), and you're doing what you have to do.....taking care of your son and providing a stable environment. I think he's manipulative and a little controlling. I don't know if he's normally like this or if the grief he's dealing with has made him like this, but I don't like the way he talks to you and gives you ultimatums. If you move there, I feel it's out of fear of losing him due to his threats. I wouldn't move. I agree with your mother. And also the family doesn't want to sell this house now...you say they want to hang onto it and not part with it. Why do you think anything will change after he puts all his hard work, time and effort into it? I doubt they want to sell it then.......then what?
If it is meant to be between you two, you could last nine months while he's doing this remodeling. It's a lot to ask you to pick up and move for nine months, and then move back. Your son would have to change schools, and then change back? That could be pretty tough on a six year old. I can totally understand why you would not move. Especially since the finance is acting a little crazy while he's down there. Who knows if that will resolve when you get there; perhaps he's dealing with a lot of emotions while doing the remodeling.
How do you see this as a life altering decision? I mean in the big picture sense. To me, your job is the only big issue but you've already left that so it's no longer a decision point. Otherwise, it's 9 months and 4 hours.
I don't see this as him picking his family. It's a job. When it's over he will either have a substantial amount of money or a steady income from the place as a rental.
What would you be doing if your Mom was blessing your decision to go?
A lack of commitment is what your fiance is feeling. Sure, you have a son to look after but he really sounds more like an excuse not to go than a reason not to go. You've really worked out the details there and can also see your step-daughter if you want to on the weekends you are home.
It's 9 months. It's a 4 hour drive. I think that would be scary for him to be engaged to someone who doesn't appear to want to be with him. If you really can't see yourself being able to make this "sacrifice" for your fiance, he's probably wondering what exactly you would be able to do for him. And if that is the root of the problem, that you are questioning your commitment to him, it's okay. People do change the way they feel. But don't keep him on the hook. Get in or get out.
Last edited by resolution09; 01-29-2010 at 04:15 PM.
I agree that pulling your son out of school, making him go to a different school, then pulling him out of THAT school and moving again would be damaging to him. When we have kids we kind of give up what we want to do what's best for them (which should be what we want too!) I mean, I hated the town I lived in and was dating a guy who lived 2 hours away, but I would not move for him. My son was settled and doing well in school and I was not going to uproot him for any man. Even when I began dating a man who lived nearby, I would not spend any time with him during the week when I had my son with me, because I was not going to shove my son off on someone else just so I could shack up with my BF.
Of course, this is only my opinion. But I wouldn't do it.
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
Since you don't currently have a job, have you considered Homeschooling your son for the 9 months? Some of my friends do it and a few have done it for just one year. At the beginning of the next year, he could go back to his old friends and school. The 9 months could be bonding time for the three of you. When you come back on weekends your son can see his friends and still keep in touch with them until he returns.
You know, my father was a military man and due to that my family moved from city to city many times, I changed 6 different schools, must admit it wasn't easy, of course, BUT despite of this fact I love my parents very much an I'm very much obliged to them as it made me adapting easily to different people, different situation, it made me stronger and this experience still helps me in my job - I have no problem in meeting new people, in communicating with strangers. It will take your son 3 months or about that time to adapt to new school. In your position I would try. Just try and if it is too difficult for your son you will come back.. I agree about the fact that our children are the most important part of our life but you should also think about your own happiness!!! you seems to be very nice and clever person, I'm sure you'll make the right decision..
Anyway I wish you good luck and please let us know what the things will do!
Hi everyone...thank you allllll so much for your input! Sorry it's taken me a while to get back too you, but A LOT has happened in the past couple of weeks! This has no doubt been the most dreadful two weeks of my entire life.
So, after some soul searching and long talks with my fiance...I moved. A couple of days before my son's sixth birthday he told me I either loaded the car or he just couldn't do it anymore. It was horrible. I loaded the car, withdrew my son from school, and went down there. Then, the next day was his birthday. My family was freaking out! My son's father was ****** to say the least, and my stepdaughter was crying her eyes out. My mother disowned me, saying she was sixty years old and had no other reason to keep going on with life-no one was supportive AT ALL. My son was depressed, I mean, depressed and crying on his birthday that he was not going to see his father, his sister, his mimi or papa...all of that. I tried and tried to convince my fiance to let me move that weekend after his birthday, but he said if my car was not in his driveway the next morning it was over...he would move on with his life. About 2pm on my son's birthday-I drove back home. It was killing me to see him so upset. I felt like the most horrible mother on the face of the earth! My fiance broke up with me, cussed me slam out-told me he hated me and he never wanted to see me again-ever. That I, once again, chose my son and family over the needs of our family. That my son would adjust in time, but I wouldn't allow him that time. I tried to explain it was just his birthday!!! He was six, he didn't understand. I left anyway. Cried all the way home-had him a little birthday celebration that evening and he was soooooo happy. Then the next day came. Horrible. I hadn't talked to my fiance at all. A couple of days went by and he showed up on my doorstep. We talked-for hours on end. Going round and round trying to find a solution. We got nowhere. He left mad and we still were broke up. A day or so went by and, I woke up at 4 am laying in my bed and he was sitting on the bed beside me. He had broken in my window! He was crying, saying he missed me and couldn't live without me. The next day-lots of talking. Yet again, no solution. I either move-NOW-or he's doing his own thing. He says a healthy relationship with your family is talking to them on the phone every day, and attending holiday functions. I wasn't raised like that. I see my parents at least twice a week, go to my niece and nephews football games/plays, my mother's doctors appts when she needs me to..the list goes on. He is not close with any of his family. He has lived many places on the map....I've lived in the same place for 31 years. My son has 4 mos of school left, I'm not working-my mother has offered to keep him through the week if I want to be down there, or maybe I be down there the weekends plus Monday and Tuesday..then come back the last half of the week. Kinda, split my time so to speak until my son gets out of school. Then when the summer hits, we move. My son's father is on board with that idea as well as my parents-my fiance on the other hand, will have nothing to do with it. He found out also, this is the kicker, that they can't even get financing on the house right now. It will be at least two months. But, he refuses to come back here for that time to be with us. He's not doing anything down there right now except being alone-hanging out in bars 3 or 4 nights a week or with his cousins. I just don't get it! I feel like it's his way or no way-he feels like it's my way or no way. We are dead-locked. He doesn't have a child in school...to me, it just makes more sense that we stick it out here so he can finish!!! He looks at it like, he's the man-I go where he goes. I believe that to, to some extent. I'm not gonna lie, I feel like I am losing the love of my life. What if I screw this up royally and never again in my lifetime have the chance to be with someone I truly love with all of my heart??? I never in a million years thought I would have to choose between my son and family, and the man I love. I can't eat, I've lost 11 pounds, I sleep maybe 2 hrs a night-I'm physically getting sick...somethings got to give.
So, this week, I told him. I love you-but I just can't move right now. I tried to, but I can't do it. Call me weak, call it choosing them over you, call it whatever. I just really can't do it. I want to so bad...but it just hurts to much. Didn't talk to him for a couple of days-then he called. He said he would wait-that he loved me to and MAYBE it would work out. He's going to find a job, enroll in some night classes, him work on him and me work on me because we definitely have bigger issues with our relationship than just this move. And, if we meet back up down the road then fine...He wants me to go to counseling to learn how to not be Co-dependant...maybe I should, I don't know. I miss him so much...My son is so happy here-and I am miserable. So lost...I'm a mess-I still feel in limbo!
This guy would worry me. He sounds very controlling, and almost scary. Moving aside, I think you should seriously consider whether this guy is good for you and your son. He apparently has no concern for your son's best interests.
You family sounds wonderful. My wife and I and our 8 month old son live about a mile from my parents and see them all the time. My mom watches our son two days a week. The importance of having them in our lives cannot be understated. I don't think you should turn your back on your family for this guy--not in a million years. The guy may or may not last, family is forever.
I think Caberg said it beautifully. Family is forever. What you have with your family should be appeciated not critisized by your bf. This guy sounds way too controlling.
I think that your parent instict should be commended. I have always done the same for my daughter- made sacrifices to be the best parent I can be. Even if it ruffles the feathers of others, as parents we need to do what is best for our kids. And your heart is telling you to keep your son where he is happy.
If you were to displace him just to apease your bf, it would cause resentment and you would be depressed to be away from loving family. You son would feel sad, and it would not be a good situation. You have a wonderful supportive family, I am happy to hear you have done the right thing. I know it sucks to disappoint some one you care about. But I dont believe he is really taking into consideration your son's well being, and frankly, yours either.
You and your bf are different in the way you have different needs. You are like a the flower who needs a certain amount of nurturing form different sources and sunshine and rain, etc. He is like the flower who can grow without the same nurturing. A different species of flower all together. It doesnt make you wrong, just that you are who you are. I admire that you have stuck to your guns on this.
I would really, really, take this time apart to consider if he is right for you for the long haul. With your son in mind, can he be the kind of man to understand your sons needs will come first, not only now but as he grows into a young man? Is your bf too demanding, bull headed and jealous to really understand the value of family and being a partent? Things to consider......
Last edited by River rocks; 02-05-2010 at 10:03 AM.
I agree with caberg and river...this guy seems to already be in competition with your son and family over who you love more and are more committed to. I'm guessing he's either not a parent or not a custodial parent if he thinks it's ok to bully you into choosing between him and your son. And the way he makes demands is frightening...you be here right now or else!!! That whole ultimatum thing is so off-putting.
As far as a future with him, I think you need to consider that this is only the beginning. I mean, what if he wants to go out of town for the weekend and your son has a school play or a soccer game? Will he pout and make demands, forcing you to either choose him or lose him? This is how the rest of your life will be (or at least until your son is a grown man and probably moves far away because he's tired of the battle). You don't want your son to come to you one day and ask why you chose some man over him and his needs.
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
I agree that this guy does sound very controlling. You didn't say much about his personality in your original post, but have given us even more info. I would be very careful and now would be a good time to get out, if he doesn't stalk you. You will be manipulated by this guy for the rest of your life if he doesn't get help.
I also think that your family, especially your mother is also controlling. The remark she made about how she couldn't go on if you moved 4 hours away for 9 months? Come on. She seems like a drama queen. Sorry, I know you love your mother, but watch that you don't let her manipulate you.
And I know your son is only 6 years old, but if you give in to him every time, he will learn he can control you. I know it was his birthday, but it seems you all created a big production in front of him, and let him get his way by going back. Now you're faced with taking him back to school and re-registering him? I think everyone is trying to control you and you are letting them. Don't let them play you against each other. Put up more boundaries for yourself. Do what YOU need to do, what is best for You. I would say this guy is not the best thing for you, unless we're not getting the whole story.
This guy broke into your window? He sounds dangerous. Get a restraining order.
I am now seeing a therapist...this whole thing has brought my existence almost to a screeching hault! It's scary really, I can't believe I have let myself get this far. I've always been pretty grounded as a person. I mean, I was married for a long time and tried VERY hard to make it work. I really did, but you can't help an alcoholic that doesn't want to be helped in no way, shape, or form. I am usually a well-adjusted woman. I graduated high school at 16 years old, went to nursing school full time and received my RN when I turned 19, and have been nursing ever since. I've seen a few rough roads in my lifetime, but none like this. Four months ago I weighed 120 lbs-I'm down to 95. I stay up most nights until 4 am and then catch a couple of hours-enough to halfway function. I've never gone without working-the past two months not working alone have just about did me in. Update on that...I got a new job Friday that I start on Monday of next week.
As far as you guys not having the whole story??? Well, I tried to not write a solid book. What can you do with a 2 year relationship story..we really have been great up until all of this happened. We've had some ups and downs-a couple of big issues but we've always managed to work through them. The main thing since I've known him is my relationship with my family. He has always told me I am way to close to them. I will never understand that. I did come to understand I was spending a lot more of my free time with them about 6 months into our relationship than I should-and that I do allow my sister way to much slack...see, when he and I met, my sister and her two children were living with me. She wasn't working (for a year) and I supported them entirely for over a year. I really have raised my niece and nephew, who are 16 and 14 now. I've always taken care of them. She was walking all over me and I was letting her. He helped me see that. She wasn't even trying to get a job and continued to do drugs. I finally made her move out-that is another situation in itself. I did, however, focus more time and energy on having a healthy relationship with him. I had to change a lot of things. I wear my heart on my sleeve...if I have 5 dollars to my name I'll give 4 of it away if I'm asked to. Everyone that knows me knows that about me. So, I tend to get used a lot. I realized, no one can change that but me. I'm a whole lot better now. I've learned to say no...most of the time. I just feel like he wants to change every single part of my personality, and why? Why is who I am so bad? I like to help people. Probably why I married an alcoholic, and why I have a relationship with him-he is severely bipolar. He doesn't take his medication-been off of it for 3 years. He is moody-very moody. I deal with it. I don't think he is hopeless. He has a big heart, he really does. I'm not scared of him, although climbing in my window and waking up to see him on the edge of my bed did freak me out a little...
He's been calling me all day. Where you at..where you been...that sorta thing. We've never been like that. He said a couple of days ago that he loves me and he'll wait...we'll figure this out. That he has been wrong in giving me ultimatums that he knew I'd have trouble with...so, I've been trying to take a step back and get my mind back. Now he tells me he hates being alone and he just doesn't know if he can do this..wait I mean. That he will try..but it's driving him insane. ??????? I said, so what's your alternative? You break up with me, try to meet someone else down there really fast so you won't be alone? Is that even possible for you? Because at this stage of the game, I can't even think about being with anyone other than you, with my life so screwed up. I said, if you chose to completely part ways with me tonight, my mind couldn't even go to a "plan B". For one, it wouldn't be fair to the poor guy I chose to get over you with, and two, it wouldn't be fair to me or my son. How can you let your mind go there? I just don't get it...I do believe I'm starting to-with all of you guys help but I am still finding myself in a horrible, horrible frame of mind with all of this...God help me, help me help myself please....
please read the book co-dependent no more!
it helped me. Reading this last post it just slapped me in the face. You're co-dependent.....you meet everyones needs to the exemption of your own. Even your career choice.....nursing, helping people! I was like you and still struggle with it. I'm divorced from a bi-polar man who is in denial. I tried and tried, but bi-polar won out in the end. It's time to start putting your needs and your sons needs first. You have to start standing up for yourself.
I learned that when you stay with someone because you feel sorry for them it won't be a healthy relationship.....when you give more than you receive all the time, it's not a healthy relationship