"take it like a man"..."suck it up son"..."life is hard, deal with it".."think of others before yourself" those were words i grew up hearing my parents say to me. When i turned 17 my father said there was only room for one man in the house. I moved to the city and quickly felt the reality of the first three sayings. After a year and a bit of scrounging for what ever work i could get and going without food most nights, the reality of being completely alone, no friends or family, just work and back to the rooming house left me very depressed and embarrased. i found company in a girl my age who was still living at home. It started by me going over to her house a couple of times a week and hanging out with her family for a few hours. Her mom would make me a sandwich and her dad would ask me to help him with manly chores around the house. It felt like an oasis to the real world! I kept hidden how hard off i really was. i would wash my clothes the night before in my bathroom sink and dry them over the heat register before heading over to join their "perfect" "Brady Bunch" family for games night. After a year of this drop in scenario, the girl asked if we could get our own apartment together and split costs. a friends with benefits scenario. OMG i was so happy not to be alone, to actually have people who cared for me, to eat more then a few times aweek. It wasn't love, but it wasn't suppose to be. shortly after, the father died of cancer and everyone looked to me as the man. i took it like a man and worked my fingers to the bone to bring home money to support the family. I had a choice....leave them to fend for themselves, or step up and be a man. I married the daughter out of what felt like the natural step under our circumstances, except it wasn't for love. i thought that would grow as time went on. it didn't. Now i'm 35 and i feel more alone then when i was 17!!!!!! Life had been about survival. and now, i want sooo much more. where do i go from here? i cant have children with a women i'm not in love with, but i cant just up and leave either!!! i've spent 18 years trying to do the right thing, and i feel like i've given them everything i could. i really want to hold to my vows but i don't want to die a lonely man with no children. I talked with my wife about my feelings. i told her i needed more out of life then what we were doing. She told me all we needed was love, and everything else i should just suck up and take it like a man. i stared down and became really quiet. i suggested we go to counselling. we went for 6 weeks before the counsellor suggested maybe we needed time to ourselves to sort out what we wanted. that didn't go very well. after a week of us talking and sharing true feelings about not being truly in love, She packed her bag that night and moved into a vacation rental. That was 3 weeks ago. where do i go from here? sorry i rambled on about our past,but its not black and white, or a fairy tale. i'm really hurting, and all alone again. She calls me every few days to see if i've gotten over my issues. i'm still quiet. i don't know what to do???? any suggestions, tips, comments, little bit of anything to help me get my head straight would be really appreciated!!!!!!!
It sounds like you married way too young, and for the wrong reasons. You missed out on alot by committing yourself at such a young age and you devoted yourself to living up to everyone else's expectations of you - that was time that many people spend on themselves, learning who they really are and what they really want out of life. You are still young enough to start over, and start finding out what kind of life you really want to live. If you are not in love with your wife, I don't think that it is fair to either of you to stay together out of a sense of responsibility. That is no way to live your life, and as painful as it may be for your wife, it is ultimately more painful for her to stay with a man who really is not in love with her. If you truly believe that your marriage cannot be salvaged, and that you are not in love with your wife, then in my opinion, it will be more painful for both of you in the long run if you stayed.
I think a good first step is reaching out and getting some help. I think you should continue counseling on your own. You know you don't love her, never have and never will. No amount of marriage counseling will help that. Shame on her for using your father's words to manipulate you into staying and continuing to be her savior. Obviously her family was not so "Brady Bunch perfect." If they had been, they never would have put the responsibility of the whole family on the shoulders of a practical stranger instead of pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps and providing for themselves.
Being a man doesn't necessarily include sacrificing all your happiness your whole lifeto be some weak, manipulative woman's savior. That's not being a man, that's being co-dependent. Continue counseling and work toward learning how to trust your own judgment, how to rise about your raising and your cold, uncaring father, how to move aheadi in the world and be confident and secure enough to meet people, make friends, and meet a good woman you really can love. Good luck to you.