"take it like a man" now mariage in ruins
"take it like a man"..."suck it up son"..."life is hard, deal with it".."think of others before yourself" those were words i grew up hearing my parents say to me. When i turned 17 my father said there was only room for one man in the house. I moved to the city and quickly felt the reality of the first three sayings. After a year and a bit of scrounging for what ever work i could get and going without food most nights, the reality of being completely alone, no friends or family, just work and back to the rooming house left me very depressed and embarrased. i found company in a girl my age who was still living at home. It started by me going over to her house a couple of times a week and hanging out with her family for a few hours. Her mom would make me a sandwich and her dad would ask me to help him with manly chores around the house. It felt like an oasis to the real world! I kept hidden how hard off i really was. i would wash my clothes the night before in my bathroom sink and dry them over the heat register before heading over to join their "perfect" "Brady Bunch" family for games night. After a year of this drop in scenario, the girl asked if we could get our own apartment together and split costs. a friends with benefits scenario. OMG i was so happy not to be alone, to actually have people who cared for me, to eat more then a few times aweek. It wasn't love, but it wasn't suppose to be. shortly after, the father died of cancer and everyone looked to me as the man. i took it like a man and worked my fingers to the bone to bring home money to support the family. I had a choice....leave them to fend for themselves, or step up and be a man. I married the daughter out of what felt like the natural step under our circumstances, except it wasn't for love. i thought that would grow as time went on. it didn't. Now i'm 35 and i feel more alone then when i was 17!!!!!! Life had been about survival. and now, i want sooo much more. where do i go from here? i cant have children with a women i'm not in love with, but i cant just up and leave either!!! i've spent 18 years trying to do the right thing, and i feel like i've given them everything i could. i really want to hold to my vows but i don't want to die a lonely man with no children. I talked with my wife about my feelings. i told her i needed more out of life then what we were doing. She told me all we needed was love, and everything else i should just suck up and take it like a man. i stared down and became really quiet. i suggested we go to counselling. we went for 6 weeks before the counsellor suggested maybe we needed time to ourselves to sort out what we wanted. that didn't go very well. after a week of us talking and sharing true feelings about not being truly in love, She packed her bag that night and moved into a vacation rental. That was 3 weeks ago. where do i go from here? sorry i rambled on about our past,but its not black and white, or a fairy tale. i'm really hurting, and all alone again. She calls me every few days to see if i've gotten over my issues. i'm still quiet. i don't know what to do???? any suggestions, tips, comments, little bit of anything to help me get my head straight would be really appreciated!!!!!!!