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Old 02-08-2010, 06:56 AM   #1
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Speak up or take a break- he took the break

Hi All,
So ive had it with my s/o ignoring me, shutting down and refusing to communicate when we have issues. I express, I talk, I get it all out there, he withdraws, sulks, gives me the silent treatment, its been happening since the beginning, near three year now... At first clouded with such love I didnt care then, Id beg him to talk until he talked, sometimes two weeks later, or a week he would evenyually pull his head out of the sand & speak. He would tell me he just cant handle it & even if he wants to deep down, he just " cant:" communicate..his sisters tell me, oh he has always been like that etc etc...to me its a choice, and a BAD habit of dealing..so for a year we have been in couselling to help him speak..we havent been in about 6weeks or so, and now again, he has withdrawn & shut down, I just dont know what to do anymore. After the third day of him igmnoring me & sleeping in a nother room, I gave him the choice to work out our issues & speak & resolve, or the consequence would be a separation of sorts, I told him he could keep staying in the another room for a cpl weeks to think about what it was he was doing, and to try & understand how negative and painful it was for me each time he withdraws & gives me the silent treatment..I hoped that eveening he would cometalk, he didnt, the next day he left..that was Thursday morning last week. He has since shut off all communucation & refuses to speak to me . I found out he was staying at his parents & his father I suppose encouraged him to take my call on Sat..all my s/o managed to mumble was " well this is what you wanted". I explained this was his choice, all I wanted was for him to stop ignoring me..
I love him, but what to do now...I havent contacted him since, nor has he me. And even if he does come back..I know this will happen again, as that is him. I know I only have two choices, however Id love to hear others opinions please.

Last edited by Kat41; 02-08-2010 at 07:01 AM.

 
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Old 02-08-2010, 07:07 AM   #2
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

I'd be glad he's gone.....
sulking and not communicating with you is obnoxious manipulative behavior....
also when he mumbled, this is what you wanted, that's also a manipulation tactic.....
I'd let him sit it out....stay there until he's ready (if he ever is) to make an honest effort. I mean if he needs counselling to get him to "speak", I really don't have the patience for that.....it's like pulling teeth.
I wouldn't tolerate his behavior, it's childish. He wouldn't be coming back to live with me until he made some serious changes, and you said you're not even sure if he's capable of it.....

 
Old 02-08-2010, 07:22 AM   #3
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

My now ex girlfriend of 5 years did that to me... It was very hurtful and hard for me... In the end we still ended up apart... She claimed she fell out of love with me after she was shut down towards me for so long??? I say this to caution you as to what may be in store for you if his behavior continues.... Be strong and do whats best for you!!!

 
Old 02-08-2010, 07:34 AM   #4
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

Thanks so much. The only reason I tolerate this is because when the love is there, its the BEST love Ive ever know, so nuturing and complete, which is why its hurts so damn much when he does this. I love him with all my heart..Thanks for the advise.

Last edited by Kat41; 02-08-2010 at 07:34 AM.

 
Old 02-08-2010, 08:16 AM   #5
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

I completely understand what you mean... In my situation it was the same thing... I loved her with every fiber of my being!!! When she was into the relationship it was the most amazing thing!!!! When they shut down they withdraw from you... That includes feelings and all... I am not saying what happened to me will happen to you... For Mine she withdrew when we bought the engagement ring... Maybe if you could find out what the reason for the withdraw is???

Last edited by new guy; 02-08-2010 at 08:33 AM.

 
Old 02-08-2010, 08:37 AM   #6
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

Why he withdraws is not so much the problem as the withdrawal itself. I feel so freaking p...off because i CANT dare say one thing about anything that bothers me involving him, as this is what happens EVERY time ! I feel like i get punished if I have a negative thought, or wnat to address a neagative issue..Im just so frustrated..once is was over such a minor thing I just couldnt believe it.. so its not the WHY..its the behaviour following thats killing our realtionship..

Last edited by Kat41; 02-08-2010 at 08:39 AM.

 
Old 02-08-2010, 08:54 AM   #7
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

it's not going to change, you already can see there is a pattern established.....
if you stay with him you will be putting up with this nonsense as long as you are together......is it worth it? it wouldn't be for me.

 
Old 02-08-2010, 08:59 AM   #8
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
it's not going to change, you already can see there is a pattern established.....
if you stay with him you will be putting up with this nonsense as long as you are together......is it worth it? it wouldn't be for me.
Have you ever thought to have him evaluated for "aspergers"?? His behavior sounds very similar as they rarely can maintain a social relationship. It's a disorder of the brain that makes them shut down as they don't have the capability of "filtering" out too much input.

Many end up living with their parents.

Just a suggestion, as I started seeing one recently, and it totally freaked me out. Fortunately a friend has a son who has it, and the symptoms were very similar. If he does have it, he truly doesn't have the "choice", as this is a hard-wired brain disorder.

Anyway, now that I've just got educated about it after spending months in agony, thought I'd pass it along (in case).

 
Old 02-08-2010, 09:23 AM   #9
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

Yes I would agree... I know how you feel about being freaked out... It is a horrible feeling... Consider this... When you are freaked out over his behavior... Are you being true to yourself??? Is he still seeing the real you the you that he fell in love with??? However, from my experience when they close themself off to you the relationship will not last... I think you have only one choice... Cry over losing him now... Or cry over losing him latter, but will have had lots more stress and unhappy days between now and then!!! Just my opinion!!! Good Luck

 
Old 02-08-2010, 09:30 AM   #10
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

Hey there Caroleye-
Well you know its funny you say that. I have thought this before as well. I believed his son ( 11yd old) had asperbergers when we met. I knew his behaviour was not normal, and this was the only thing that I could find that related to his behaviour.
No the parent never had him tested, but he definatley has issues..( the son that is)

My s/o has had depression issues in the past, and has been having issues his whole life with this "running away" from stress issue. His son does the same thing, he runs away when he is upset. I just figured he was learning this from his father..

Is there any hope, please tell me how your siyuation ended up?

This could explain alot. Thanks. i will look futher into this.

Thanks

Last edited by Kat41; 02-08-2010 at 09:40 AM.

 
Old 02-08-2010, 08:09 PM   #11
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Wink Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kat41 View Post
Hey there Caroleye-
Well you know its funny you say that. I have thought this before as well. I believed his son ( 11yd old) had asperbergers when we met. I knew his behaviour was not normal, and this was the only thing that I could find that related to his behaviour.
No the parent never had him tested, but he definatley has issues..( the son that is)

My s/o has had depression issues in the past, and has been having issues his whole life with this "running away" from stress issue. His son does the same thing, he runs away when he is upset. I just figured he was learning this from his father..

Is there any hope, please tell me how your siyuation ended up?

This could explain alot. Thanks. i will look futher into this.

Thanks

I would like to THANK YOU soooo much..OMG I cant believe it...this is HIM 100%, and im so relieved to see him fit the criteria without even a doubt in my mind..everything I have read on AS today is HIM..Thank you so much..

I feel so much better knowing he is not doing these things on purpose, and Ive been told by his family so often " Oh He cant handle too much", and I know his son fit the symptons a cpl years ago 100% as well, but he is now 11 and appears to manage so mcuh better. Although at times he is definately still a bit off, however high high IQ, his son can tell me stuff about solar flares & space that I cant even pronaunce, and was tested for genius school or something last year...Although...on the flip side, last summer for my sons 1st communiion, this 10yr old son sat in church complaining how bored he was, and when his father wouldnt take him home, he began flappin his hands into his face, for a long time..maybe 30 minutes, then he began bangin his head on the pew..very embarrassing...now I know why.

The mother has full custody & my s/o fears talking to her about his childresn behaviours..but I did see in their court papers she said she felt her son had mental heath issues..I cant wait..I must find a way to let her know...


THANKS AGAIN ...all hope is not lost .

 
Old 02-09-2010, 08:46 AM   #12
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

Yes, it's so easy once you read the symptoms. Understanding what you're dealing with is a huge relief.

Good luck & so happy to have met you; willing to "check into" other possibilities.
Not many are willing to do that, as it takes alot of work.

 
Old 02-09-2010, 09:34 AM   #13
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

Well I dont give up easily..I prayed for an answer, because Ive never know such love, nor such confusion..he was diagnosed with depression, and also Bipolar ( which he had NO systoms at all..but they wanted to tell him something I suppose) however I ( and he) knew there was something wrong, we just couldnt find the right fit for his issues....our couples counseller lead me away from asperbergers and said that if he / they can control things at times and not other times, then there is no way it was asperbergers..( that was re his son & the church thing, as his son stopped his head banging when I removed his DS from his pocket) ...but now reading about ADULTs with AS..as well his mother has this whole social thing as well..( Ive not met her yet, and weve been together 3years, she hides away whenever I go over).

THANK YOU SO MUCH ..I love him, I know he loves me, you are a God send ! This was a gift of news from a prayer..I thank you

.

Last edited by Kat41; 02-09-2010 at 09:35 AM.

 
Old 02-09-2010, 10:14 AM   #14
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

so now that you have a name for it....now what?
does that excuse his bad behavior?
now that you have something to blame it on, does that make it ok?
do you think he's going to change his behavior?
or does this just make it ok and acceptable that he treats you the way he does?
so what..... he's got aspergers..... is he off the hook now? everythings ok now?
sorry I can't be real sympathetic to his problem....I was married to a bi-polar man for 10 years.....just because he's bi-polar did that give him the right to verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me.....because he's sick? because he's got "a condition"?
it's the same thing here and maybe that's why I'm responding the way I am....bottom line....what's going to change about his behavior, except now that he's got an excuse for it?

 
Old 02-09-2010, 10:49 AM   #15
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Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break

Well , I would say I am what will change about his behaviour. I know it will still at times be difficult, but knowledge is power, and I love to research, I will find a way..The love is SO powerful, you dont nderstand..The pain is painful, but if not malicious, then forgivable. I believe he has a right to love as much as anyone else does. His good has always outweighed his bad, and now that I can understand what is behind the bad.. therfore I can better handle it. I will still not allow disrespect, but knowing that its not intentional is the first step to forgiving him and understanding him. Im sorry to hear you had such a hard time. My ex husband was is a sociopath, and ill take this any day. I too have suffered much in this life, and bipolar is differant, and I can see how unforgiving you can be..I believe my s/os friend is bpd , and I wont be speaking to that man anytime soon...if ever.

 
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