Hi All,
So ive had it with my s/o ignoring me, shutting down and refusing to communicate when we have issues. I express, I talk, I get it all out there, he withdraws, sulks, gives me the silent treatment, its been happening since the beginning, near three year now... At first clouded with such love I didnt care then, Id beg him to talk until he talked, sometimes two weeks later, or a week he would evenyually pull his head out of the sand & speak. He would tell me he just cant handle it & even if he wants to deep down, he just " cant:" communicate..his sisters tell me, oh he has always been like that etc etc...to me its a choice, and a BAD habit of dealing..so for a year we have been in couselling to help him speak..we havent been in about 6weeks or so, and now again, he has withdrawn & shut down, I just dont know what to do anymore. After the third day of him igmnoring me & sleeping in a nother room, I gave him the choice to work out our issues & speak & resolve, or the consequence would be a separation of sorts, I told him he could keep staying in the another room for a cpl weeks to think about what it was he was doing, and to try & understand how negative and painful it was for me each time he withdraws & gives me the silent treatment..I hoped that eveening he would cometalk, he didnt, the next day he left..that was Thursday morning last week. He has since shut off all communucation & refuses to speak to me . I found out he was staying at his parents & his father I suppose encouraged him to take my call on Sat..all my s/o managed to mumble was " well this is what you wanted". I explained this was his choice, all I wanted was for him to stop ignoring me..
I love him, but what to do now...I havent contacted him since, nor has he me. And even if he does come back..I know this will happen again, as that is him. I know I only have two choices, however Id love to hear others opinions please.
I'd be glad he's gone.....
sulking and not communicating with you is obnoxious manipulative behavior....
also when he mumbled, this is what you wanted, that's also a manipulation tactic.....
I'd let him sit it out....stay there until he's ready (if he ever is) to make an honest effort. I mean if he needs counselling to get him to "speak", I really don't have the patience for that.....it's like pulling teeth.
I wouldn't tolerate his behavior, it's childish. He wouldn't be coming back to live with me until he made some serious changes, and you said you're not even sure if he's capable of it.....
My now ex girlfriend of 5 years did that to me... It was very hurtful and hard for me... In the end we still ended up apart... She claimed she fell out of love with me after she was shut down towards me for so long??? I say this to caution you as to what may be in store for you if his behavior continues.... Be strong and do whats best for you!!!
Thanks so much. The only reason I tolerate this is because when the love is there, its the BEST love Ive ever know, so nuturing and complete, which is why its hurts so damn much when he does this. I love him with all my heart..Thanks for the advise.
I completely understand what you mean... In my situation it was the same thing... I loved her with every fiber of my being!!! When she was into the relationship it was the most amazing thing!!!! When they shut down they withdraw from you... That includes feelings and all... I am not saying what happened to me will happen to you... For Mine she withdrew when we bought the engagement ring... Maybe if you could find out what the reason for the withdraw is???
Why he withdraws is not so much the problem as the withdrawal itself. I feel so freaking p...off because i CANT dare say one thing about anything that bothers me involving him, as this is what happens EVERY time ! I feel like i get punished if I have a negative thought, or wnat to address a neagative issue..Im just so frustrated..once is was over such a minor thing I just couldnt believe it.. so its not the WHY..its the behaviour following thats killing our realtionship..
it's not going to change, you already can see there is a pattern established.....
if you stay with him you will be putting up with this nonsense as long as you are together......is it worth it? it wouldn't be for me.
it's not going to change, you already can see there is a pattern established.....
if you stay with him you will be putting up with this nonsense as long as you are together......is it worth it? it wouldn't be for me.
Have you ever thought to have him evaluated for "aspergers"?? His behavior sounds very similar as they rarely can maintain a social relationship. It's a disorder of the brain that makes them shut down as they don't have the capability of "filtering" out too much input.
Many end up living with their parents.
Just a suggestion, as I started seeing one recently, and it totally freaked me out. Fortunately a friend has a son who has it, and the symptoms were very similar. If he does have it, he truly doesn't have the "choice", as this is a hard-wired brain disorder.
Anyway, now that I've just got educated about it after spending months in agony, thought I'd pass it along (in case).
Yes I would agree... I know how you feel about being freaked out... It is a horrible feeling... Consider this... When you are freaked out over his behavior... Are you being true to yourself??? Is he still seeing the real you the you that he fell in love with??? However, from my experience when they close themself off to you the relationship will not last... I think you have only one choice... Cry over losing him now... Or cry over losing him latter, but will have had lots more stress and unhappy days between now and then!!! Just my opinion!!! Good Luck
Hey there Caroleye-
Well you know its funny you say that. I have thought this before as well. I believed his son ( 11yd old) had asperbergers when we met. I knew his behaviour was not normal, and this was the only thing that I could find that related to his behaviour.
No the parent never had him tested, but he definatley has issues..( the son that is)
My s/o has had depression issues in the past, and has been having issues his whole life with this "running away" from stress issue. His son does the same thing, he runs away when he is upset. I just figured he was learning this from his father..
Is there any hope, please tell me how your siyuation ended up?
This could explain alot. Thanks. i will look futher into this.
Hey there Caroleye-
Well you know its funny you say that. I have thought this before as well. I believed his son ( 11yd old) had asperbergers when we met. I knew his behaviour was not normal, and this was the only thing that I could find that related to his behaviour.
No the parent never had him tested, but he definatley has issues..( the son that is)
My s/o has had depression issues in the past, and has been having issues his whole life with this "running away" from stress issue. His son does the same thing, he runs away when he is upset. I just figured he was learning this from his father..
Is there any hope, please tell me how your siyuation ended up?
This could explain alot. Thanks. i will look futher into this.
Thanks
I would like to THANK YOU soooo much..OMG I cant believe it...this is HIM 100%, and im so relieved to see him fit the criteria without even a doubt in my mind..everything I have read on AS today is HIM..Thank you so much..
I feel so much better knowing he is not doing these things on purpose, and Ive been told by his family so often " Oh He cant handle too much", and I know his son fit the symptons a cpl years ago 100% as well, but he is now 11 and appears to manage so mcuh better. Although at times he is definately still a bit off, however high high IQ, his son can tell me stuff about solar flares & space that I cant even pronaunce, and was tested for genius school or something last year...Although...on the flip side, last summer for my sons 1st communiion, this 10yr old son sat in church complaining how bored he was, and when his father wouldnt take him home, he began flappin his hands into his face, for a long time..maybe 30 minutes, then he began bangin his head on the pew..very embarrassing...now I know why.
The mother has full custody & my s/o fears talking to her about his childresn behaviours..but I did see in their court papers she said she felt her son had mental heath issues..I cant wait..I must find a way to let her know...
Well I dont give up easily..I prayed for an answer, because Ive never know such love, nor such confusion..he was diagnosed with depression, and also Bipolar ( which he had NO systoms at all..but they wanted to tell him something I suppose) however I ( and he) knew there was something wrong, we just couldnt find the right fit for his issues....our couples counseller lead me away from asperbergers and said that if he / they can control things at times and not other times, then there is no way it was asperbergers..( that was re his son & the church thing, as his son stopped his head banging when I removed his DS from his pocket) ...but now reading about ADULTs with AS..as well his mother has this whole social thing as well..( Ive not met her yet, and weve been together 3years, she hides away whenever I go over).
THANK YOU SO MUCH ..I love him, I know he loves me, you are a God send ! This was a gift of news from a prayer..I thank you
so now that you have a name for it....now what?
does that excuse his bad behavior?
now that you have something to blame it on, does that make it ok?
do you think he's going to change his behavior?
or does this just make it ok and acceptable that he treats you the way he does?
so what..... he's got aspergers..... is he off the hook now? everythings ok now?
sorry I can't be real sympathetic to his problem....I was married to a bi-polar man for 10 years.....just because he's bi-polar did that give him the right to verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me.....because he's sick? because he's got "a condition"?
it's the same thing here and maybe that's why I'm responding the way I am....bottom line....what's going to change about his behavior, except now that he's got an excuse for it?
Well , I would say I am what will change about his behaviour. I know it will still at times be difficult, but knowledge is power, and I love to research, I will find a way..The love is SO powerful, you dont nderstand..The pain is painful, but if not malicious, then forgivable. I believe he has a right to love as much as anyone else does. His good has always outweighed his bad, and now that I can understand what is behind the bad.. therfore I can better handle it. I will still not allow disrespect, but knowing that its not intentional is the first step to forgiving him and understanding him. Im sorry to hear you had such a hard time. My ex husband was is a sociopath, and ill take this any day. I too have suffered much in this life, and bipolar is differant, and I can see how unforgiving you can be..I believe my s/os friend is bpd , and I wont be speaking to that man anytime soon...if ever.
Hey there
I hope you got some sort of happy resolution by now.
I totaly understand your situation as i'm with aspie and i have been with him for nearly 3 years and its been one of the most trying relationships i have ever had. But in saying that when it good and nice, smiles all around. Thats why you probably love him... for his differences too. But unfortunatly for us with the smooth comes alot of rough. They are so difficult to understand where there coming from emotionaly as they find it difficult communicate how they feel. In my relationship my partner says that sometimes me mentioning things more than once and pushing for answer feels like he is being pressured. Obviously as the NT partners we would see it differently. Sometimes it best to let them come to you and talk in there own time. I know that doesn't help you as such at the moment and it hurts like hell but sometimes it works. I find that if i give my partner a hug sometimes that sort or says alot and most of the time he will do the same.
I dont mean to witter on i just wanted you to see that your not alone sweety. I found i had to really look into ways of talking and communicating differently and gauge the best time to talk to my partner. Some times they find it easier to talk over the phone or write how they feel down. It might benefit you to read book called 'Aspergers in love' and find out what you can about the aspie mind.
I remember there was areally bad moment in my relationship where i was in exactly same situation as you are. I blamed myself i felt unloved and that we were miles apart from each other and it would never work out with us. But after finding out what i could about apsergers it helped me talk to him differently and sometimes improving the communication barrier. Your man is capable of changing but hes got to want to do it or, he needs to think its his idea and in his own time.
I hope things sort its self out i know its a confusing and up setting there behavoiour can be, but he feels probably the same. Things can change for the better in time it weather you want to. Maybe let him contact you when hes ready.
Kat:
As I read your early posts I couldn't understand why you were so angry. It just didn't sound to me like something he could help. Of course, I don't know either one of you so it was just instinct. The fact that his family was saying he'd always had this behavior made me think he did it before you, with you and, if things end, after you.
Anyway, I'm very happy to read your last post. We often talk about no one being perfect and that you have to make decisions as to what you can and cannot accept in another person. It sounds like this is a basic, decent man who has an issue with confrontation. Even without believing this condition is the driver, it is possible to have things in your life that you can't get over or change. It may be that he even wants to change this method of coping but can't. We all have things like this. The key is, if you are a person like him and wonderful in other ways, to find the right person who can accept and love us in spite of our imperfections.
Thank you both for your information on this situatuion. The more I have read on Apies, the more clear it has become.a huge A-HA moment for sure..other then the avoiding confrontation aspect , he aslo does also have the social akwardness, not knowing what to do when we socialize, high anxieys mixed with depression at times, and when I get frustrated & insist he communicate, he always bolts, although he has promised me so many times he wouldnt..so yeah its frustrating. Ive often wondered if he had empathy, as he NEVER shows it when we are having issues, however he does show it when we are at a good days about other things or other ppl , but when there is tension in the air he doesnt even look at me, its like he disappears into himself, and he only sees himself..Ive often told him Ive never met a more self absorbed person in my life, I though he was a narrassist at times, but not always..so its been a ride for sure.
When he loves me, its the most nuturing amazing most complete love Ive ever experienced, which is why I get so confused when he just wont open his mouth and communicate..just a bunch of " I dont knows" is the height of his communication skills..Ive screamed at him befroe..PLEASE DONT SAY I DONT KNOW ONE MORE TIME..Arrgggg...he has NEVER looked at me when he is upset, I've even taken his face and turned it to me begging him to just LOOK and SEE me, but he is not able..now I have answers to all of these questions.. I began asking him to communicate thru writing to each other a cpl mths ago, and he has done this a cpl times, but when his anxieties are high, he wont/cant do it..he coddles himself in a fetal position, usually with a blanket over his head & cowers away like Im a big bad wolf, I could never unsderstand how this big 6ft man could resort to this child like behaviour when faced with stress, now I know..if I do push him more at this state, he bolts..sometimes for hours, usually days..without a word or call. he tells me that even though he so wants too..he just " cant".
He has explained it to me how he is so emotional that he cries all the time when no one can see him , yet Ive only seen this when he found put about how many ppl dies in Haiti, this really moved & upset him..so again I just could not understand him, how can he be so moved by this & not us...now I can undertsnad....I cant thank you ladies enough really..its explains his family ( who are also very rigid, non conforming nor social) and it also expalins his son and his head bangin & bolting away when upset..this has been THE most helpful thing thats happened to us in the near 3years weve had these ongoing issues.
Im very much into self development & the word " cant" is not in my launguage, so I always told myself he has a choice & he chooses to do this..but now I see, its an illness..not a choice.
The love is AMAZING..the best Ive ever experienced in my life, Ive no doubt his love for me, however when these issues happen, he disappears & I cold not se how it is possible to be so loving, yet do this?? now i see..
We resolved our issues finally & Tuesday morning he sent me an email and said " I choose us, Im coming home tonight". he did,. the love was back, we missed each other like mad & we are so happy again..
I told him what I found out about Aspergers, read him a few articles, and he explained how his son had so many of the aspie triats as a child, and how he too believes this is finally the answer to who HE is..a big relief. He has a DR's appt & will will be persuing a full RX on this asap..its so good to know. he has always said " Theres something wrong with me" but he couldnt figure it out till now..
THANK YOU SO MUCH !
Wow and wow! I'm so happy for you kat41 that things have started sorting themslves out. You deserve to be happy and it takes special type of person to go through what you have and come out the other side happy and to be there for your fella. Your fella is very lucky to have you! I'm sure he will have a much deeper respect and love for you knowing the effort you have put into Aspergers.
I wish you all the luck in the world and please keep me posted.
Last edited by moderator2; 02-13-2010 at 07:24 AM.
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Wow and wow! I'm so happy for you kat41 that things have started sorting themslves out. You deserve to be happy and it takes special type of person to go through what you have and come out the other side happy and to be there for your fella. Your fella is very lucky to have you! I'm sure he will have a much deeper respect and love for you knowing the effort you have put into Aspergers.
I wish you all the luck in the world and please keep me posted.
I will & Thank you so much...a huge weight has lifted & I finally can see for the very first time...A love as amazing as we have is not easy to give up on, Ive always felt he was my soul mate & without doubt the best person Ive ever know. I just could not understand so much..I unfairly began judging him for his behaviours out of frustration in the not understanding. Now I can throw those worries I have away & understand for the first time who he really is, this love is real and amazing, and finally I know what he has been telling me is real. His actions just didnt match his words, now I know why.
We are both very lucky, and so are our 5 children we have blended into this family of ours..ahhhh I can now rest I will post any updates . Hope you the best VALENTINES DAY..I know mine IS
Re: Speak up or take a break- he took the break 
