It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 02-17-2010, 01:47 AM   #1
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: louisiana
Posts: 27
cz16w0 HB User
23 married years lost because of webpages

help with a decision. I lost my wife to Internet personal pages, where in a matter of 2 months she completely checked out of our loving family relationship and started an Internet affair in which she fell in love and became very sexually and emotionally graphic. She broke it off before I told her I knew about it, so I forgave her and we started to work things out between us. Unfortunately after 2 weeks she went back yesterday and our constant fight about trust and honesty came back. Should I give up on my best and really only friend in my life, her, because of Internet fooling around. She is always home, except for work related times which I accounted for, but her free time at home is always Internet. She even tells me she is the bad person in our relationship( also claiming that my major wrong doing is breaking into her website, which she had been using as a diary and social network). She never talked bad about me, but rather just omitted me from this side of her life, denying my existance.
Now, should I give her and ultimatum to seek marriage counseling(said she would a month ago but no appt yet), or give up her Internet time, or just give up her Internet lover? or have her invite me to share her pages? Or should I throw in the towel because of the Internet?
there is no close friends for either of us, and no family either except for our kids 17 & 22 who are not involved in this. All we have is each other, and probably been together so long because of that. But 80% of our life together has been great, gone through many trying times together but this is by far the worst.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 02-17-2010, 04:12 AM   #2
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 4
Ostack HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

CZ I feel for you I am just getting started using this type of communication for a class I am taking. My husband would have a cow if he thought I was having some type of relations on-line is the reason why I never have got into this type of communication. But, I feel your pain, I am not an expert but, your wife should be faithful to you and you alone. It is a very hard choose but, you need to do what you can live with?

 
Old 02-17-2010, 05:11 AM   #3
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: louisiana
Posts: 27
cz16w0 HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

i dont know what i can live with, but I have lived alone before and coped but i had friends and was younger with many girls chasing me. Now i have no one but this computer and my grown kids who are in their own lives now. I can still live with her if she changes, but can i put forth ultimatums? such as no more internet time at home? and definetly to break it off with all online friends whom she has never met.

 
Old 02-17-2010, 08:03 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
trystme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,101
trystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

Yes, she has to choose, either you or her online life. If she won't give it all up then you'll have to move on with your life and leave her alone to her virtual world.

 
Old 02-17-2010, 08:48 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Florida
Posts: 658
cathy1 HB Usercathy1 HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

She's made her decision and she wants you to accept it. You can have your life with her as long as you know she has her other life too. She must feel that you will allow this because she's continuing to do it.

She's showing you she won't stop. She cannot be trusted. She is choosing the internet and this other person (s) over you.

If you don't draw a line in the sand and a big one then this is what your life is going to be like.

You can't be wishy washy in your stance. If you're being an easy going guy about this you have to stop. She won't do anything unless she feels shes going to lose you or her family etc etc.

Put your foot down now................

 
Old 02-17-2010, 09:03 AM   #6
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 451
BigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

IMO, marriage counseling is critical right now. If you put your foot down, she is going to resent it. She may go along with it on the surface, but she will blame you for the loss of her fun life. She needs to examine everything related to this and learn why she has the need to chase this other life. She needs to figure out what is more important to her - you or the virtual life. A counselor is best equipped to help her with this journey. You "pushing" her, limiting her activities, monitoring her, is a parent activity, not a marriage. If you are willing to stand beside her while she figures it out, that's wonderful. But do understand that the end of the journey may or may not be what you desire. You sound like a caring man, and I hope this all works out for the best.

 
Old 02-17-2010, 09:53 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
River rocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Riverside
Posts: 506
River rocks HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

You have the right to stand up make her stop this activity online or else lose you and the family. I would tell her that counseling is a must. The couselor will probably want to see her alone and you two together to work this out. She needs to discover why was drawn into this other world and needs to realize how it has damaged your marriage. As her husband you have the right and are completely justified in putting your foot down on this because she has been unfaithful.
Best wishes on this, and please keep us posted.

 
Old 02-17-2010, 01:15 PM   #8
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: louisiana
Posts: 27
cz16w0 HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

tonight i intend to tell her all I know about her and that I truly want to be us again. I was going to put my foot down, and a conselor is a must as i have told her this before, except i will give her a time limit of a couple of days to get an appt. but she must have already scheduled it or do it tomorrow at 8am. I have been going for 2 months alone and it has helped tremendously. Also the boyfriend must go away again. I can only suggest that she stop playing online and start helping around the house as we have 3 parrots and 3 dogs that need tending to. thank you big red and river rocks.

 
Old 02-17-2010, 01:17 PM   #9
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: louisiana
Posts: 27
cz16w0 HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

tonight is the night, thank you
I went really well as I opened up and laid all my cards on the table. She was still quiet and held back on lots of her feelings, but some did come out and her actions were very positive to have us move forward. We both know we are in the 11th hour and neither of us wants to end this as there is still strong love between us, just not the "in love" type which is the desired goal for both of us. A counselor will be there for both and hopefully a new insight will allow us to move forward. We have used counseling in the past and it has seemed to always work as it makes time pass easier, and time is what it takes to heal. And we have one we trust and know is good, so that is comforting also.

Last edited by cz16w0; 02-18-2010 at 03:46 AM. Reason: new developments

 
Old 02-17-2010, 03:46 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: US
Posts: 788
BeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

She needs to know that you are serious! No wishy washy behavior. What you say means business. If she does not stop immediately with the on line affair you need to tell her to get out! If you make it easy for her then she's just going to keep on doing it. It may seem severe but if you want to save your marriage you cannot put up with it for a minute longer, this cannot be allowed to continue. You have no reason to let this keep happening...YOU ARE HER HUSBAND, you have every right not to accept this unacceptable behavior!
__________________
My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.

 
Old 02-18-2010, 03:38 AM   #11
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: louisiana
Posts: 27
cz16w0 HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

as of yesterday, she promised that the affair is over and done, time will tell but I do believe her as she did really change some habits recently, and if it is continuing it is not as much as before but I will never know because I must not be as "snooping as I was" for her to accept me. I need to formulate trust as it does take 2. Counseling was also agreed upon immediately so I believe there is a chance and we did open up and make some progress last night. The issue that arose is that she cannot have the same kind of love she experieced with a new person, and the love of me is different and not as much "in love" type of feeling, like being totally incaptivating. My own experiences of being in love 3 times in my life tell me that each one was totally different and had different feelings for all 3, and there will be nothing like the first. That does not mean that the later ones cannot be better though.
the hard part is whether to tiptoe through this in a effort not to make a mistake which would cause an argument and moving backwards, or to be totally open and honest which leads to a closer relationship which is the desired result.

 
Old 02-18-2010, 06:32 AM   #12
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 451
BigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB UserBigRed54 HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

Best wishes to you, cz! I can tell you really want to make this work, and it's admirable that you are standing by that decision. It's so easy to just end a relationship nowadays at the first sign of trouble, and even though your trouble is more than a "first sign", you are staying the course. I agree that trust needs to be there, but just remember that she needs to earn that trust! (As do you for checking on her online activities, of course.) I would think that total honesty would be the best option, but the counselor should lead you through all that. Don't let either of you stop the counseling too soon - that is often the mistake when people think it's "fixed". Counseling should go on for a while afterwards to lead you through.

 
Old 02-18-2010, 08:43 AM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Florida
Posts: 658
cathy1 HB Usercathy1 HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

Being through this myself with my ex having online affairs....... You still must be vigilant. My ex only became sneakier after we had our first "talk". I'm not saying this will happen with you but the internet makes it easier to maintain contact.

 
Old 02-18-2010, 12:04 PM   #14
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: louisiana
Posts: 27
cz16w0 HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

after 23 years I know the perfect match for me, i can look around and not see anyone I've met anywhere that I would consider being with, that is where my diligence comes from.If the relationship was only a few years and I was 30 again I probably would be gone, but we get wiser with age. Thank you

 
Old 02-18-2010, 04:45 PM   #15
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: louisiana
Posts: 27
cz16w0 HB User
Re: 23 married years lost because of webpages

Quote:
Originally Posted by cathy1 View Post
Being through this myself with my ex having online affairs....... You still must be vigilant. My ex only became sneakier after we had our first "talk". I'm not saying this will happen with you but the internet makes it easier to maintain contact.
How did you find out? I gave her the ultimatum to break it off and seek consoling and she said she did with him, and gave me her appt date. But I will never know except by her actions as she is the type of person who can lie very good into my eyes and deny even though I have proof. I really know her all too well because I can tell by her actions, although most of the time it takes me a few days of reflection before it all becomes clear to me. But I intend to be steadfast and let her know that this is the last chance.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
lost my whole life closs86 Grief & Loss 49 05-23-2010 09:40 PM
Five years and finally MS is the culprit! smilinirisheyes Multiple Sclerosis 4 04-20-2010 01:34 PM
She found me after 25 years. We want each other. She's married. What do I do? -CvC- Relationship Health 11 10-29-2008 03:26 AM
unhappily married KATARINAVT Relationship Health 6 10-19-2007 03:34 AM
Will I ever be really happy while married??? hillaryb Relationship Health 19 07-16-2007 10:38 AM

Tags
cheating, internet, marriage, ultimatum, website



Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (272), rosequartz (254), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (96), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1177), MSJayhawk (1004), Apollo123 (903), Titchou (847), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (753), sammy64 (668), midwest1 (668), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:20 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!