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Old 02-19-2010, 10:38 AM   #1
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Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

When people ask if I'm single... I hesistate to respond. Apart of me considers myself single since me and "my man" have been on again and off again. I guess you can call it a "complicated" situation. We used to live together but since I decided to go back to college, I severed ties with him (it obviously did not last too long) and moved in with a roommate.

Lets focus on HIS situation NOW. He got laid off, lost his apartment, cant find work, lost his car.... a list of things that have completely gone wrong. I used to be engaged to this man and I was once in love with him. A lot has happened... like this thing called "maturing." Even though I have changed, I still truly do care about him. I also feel sorry for him and because we have quite a long history together... I feel obligated to be there for him. Apart of me wants to help him because you should help when you CAN but the other part of me is going MAD.

Please note, I am a nursing student and I also work a full time job. My family does not help me financially whatsoever so you can imagine how tight things are for me. I pay for my own car, my car ins, rent, phone, power, etc. I can handle that but he has no place to stay... he has started staying with me, then it became more frequent... now he has practically moved in. He is at my apartment all day. HE LIVES THERE with no transportation. Now, I am really trying to be fair so on one side... IT IS NOT HIS FAUL HE GOT LAID OFF. HE IS LOOKING FOR WORK AND CANNOT FIND ANY BECAUSE NO ONE IS HIRING. HIS TRANSMISSION WENT OUT AND HIS CAR IS AT THE SHOP. He has started getting unemployment 250 a week.

I understand his situation is bad and I feel bad too. I help everyway I can. I buy groceries and cook for him, I drive him around whereever he needs to go, he stays with me, when I can help him with 50 dollars here and there I do etc BUT I AM JUST SICK OF THIS. I am so frustrated I want to scream!!!!!!!! My just fill with tears when I think of this frustrating situation. I feel so obligated to help because he is going thru a rough patch but I am so busy too. Mondays,Wednesday and Fridays I am at work from 8-5pm. Monday at 7pm, I have a lab class. Tuesday and Thursday mornings I have four classes back to back. I dont get out of class until 1:30 and I go straight to work. I am so busy with just school and work... this does not even include TIME FOR STUDYING. I share my apartment with my roommate and she really is cool and does not care but that is besides that point. I share the living room, dining room, kitchen, laundry with my roommate and while HE does not hang out there.... He stays with me so he obviously LIVES IN MY ROOM. It is so difficult and so frustrating to study when he is there in my room watching tv or playing video games. He is not loud and he does not bother me but I dont know how to explain how his presence seems to take up space... mentally, emotionally EVERYTHING.

He was not getting his unemployment there so I felt even more obligated. I wanted to help him... and I did. But he has started to get his unemployment and I want to ask him to get out of my apartment - is that mean of me?? I feel so terrible and you have no idea how torn I feel. I feel so selfish because he is somebody that truly needs help. He does have family members that live 45 minutes away from me. I feel like now that he has his unemployment money he should go down there and stay with them. He does not want to because that area does not have a whole lot of job opportunities and his family is poor. His mom is on disability and she lives with her son (his brother) His brother does not have a car however his wife has transportation. having said that she goes to school. He can stay with them but that is basically 4 people including himself with one car.

while I truly care about him and while I do love him (I dont mean the romantic, sexual way), I am just struggling with this. i feel like a mom with a grown man for a child. i know he does not enjoy and want to be dependent on me... but he is! especially before he got his unemployment. now that he has unemployment and he can buy food... the fact that he still stays in my rooms and lives there and will continue to depend on me for transportation... is still aggravating.

We were broken up for a while but then we would hang out and hook up from time to time. Then all of a sudden this happens and now here I am.

Am I being selfish?

 
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Old 02-19-2010, 10:42 AM   #2
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

you are not being selfish at all....
how hard is he actually trying to get a job?
he's a grown man, and he's not your responsibility
is he even offering to contribute for groceries, etc?

 
Old 02-19-2010, 11:00 AM   #3
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

Hey Rosequartz,

Well he just got his unemployment last thursday. He was behind on child support so he made a point to catch up. His ex is quite ruthless when it comes to HER MONEY and she makes sure he knows it. Its hard to really say since he JUST got it. He did buy a few things he knew I needed for my kitchen. He does not throw away his money or anything like that.

Regarding "looking for a job." Just to let you know, I live in the South so vehicles are a MUST. He lives in my room and does not have one. I keep my car due to work, school, tutoring etc. Besides, he does not have insurance so the last thing I want is to have him drop me off and keep my car. I dont want to be stranded and I dont want him to wreck my car. He is a very safe driver but that is a risk I am not willing to take. If he wrecks, Im the one stuck with that insurance payment!!! When I go to work in the mornings, he usually asks me to drop him off at a friend's house who does not live too far from where I work. He will stay with his friend. His friend has a truck and he also got laid off. So they go job hunting. He generally goes to his friend's house. He does not want to stay in my room ALL DAY from 8 - 5 as you can imagine.

I dunno Rose... he does try and he is on a low... I feel so bad for him yet I feel unhappy with my situation too.

He is also waiting for his W2, I did tell him that I would help him with this tax return. I was hoping to maximize his deductions... it costs 2000 to get his car out of the shop. I am pretty confident he can get that and hopefully get his car out. Now, when and if he does get his car out - I want him to GO ON. I think I have offered more than plenty... should I atleast wait it out until he gets his car fixed for the sake of piece of mind? Or will I be the bad guy in the end no matter what I do?

I simply want him to comprehend (and I have not told him yet just because its not a very good time) that my apartment is STUDENT HOUSING and it is NOT a nesting ground for the unemployed!

 
Old 02-19-2010, 11:05 AM   #4
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

tell him his presence is causing tension with your room mate AND it's student housing! That should take some of your guilt away.
why should your room mate have to put up with the EX BF of her roommate?
He doesn't belong there......I'd suggest that he move in with the unemployed friend with the truck so they can get out even earlier and jobhunt instead of waiting until you drop him off. He might be on a low, but be honest with yourself.....is he just going thru a rough patch, or is he a loser in general?

 
Old 02-19-2010, 11:14 AM   #5
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

Quote:
but be honest with yourself.....is he just going thru a rough patch, or is he a loser in general?
LOL. Dang Rose, I like you. How did you know?

He has very loser-like tendencies. Honestly, its from upbringing. Its that REDNECK background. His family is worse. He actually turned out decent if you are trying to make a comparison. Well I was going to use my roommate but... they talk and they are really cool with each other. My roomie is having some crappy-bf issues and she talks to both me and "my guy" about it. Infact they chat a good bit with each other. Duh, I mean he lives there. ALSO, we are NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE DOGS in my apartment and my roomie has a yorkie. Her yorkie does not bother me at all. He is actually trained and quiet. But HE made a comment the other day that my roommate is cool and she probably wont say anything about him being there. And EVEN IF SHE DID/DOES there is always the dog and that can be used as leverage. Also, since my roomie and him are "cool" the last thing I want is for him to confront her. I most definitely do not want her to be dragged into this mess.

 
Old 02-19-2010, 11:19 AM   #6
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

I can feel your frustration! I would feel the same in your shoes.
Is it possible that he finds another shared housing situation? He can look at craigslist or the newspaper for someone who wants to rent out a room? Sometimes people rent rooms out for very little expense. Some will even lower the rent if he were to do some work around the house. Maybe you can suggest that avenue. Tell him you love and care for him, but this current living situation has you at your wits end and it's not good for either of you.

Last edited by River rocks; 02-19-2010 at 11:20 AM.

 
Old 02-19-2010, 11:27 AM   #7
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

THAT is the part I am struggling with. How do I make him understand I am frustrated? From his perspective, we never really see each other. I am either at work or school from 8 to 5 all week. I also have lab classes and tutoring sessions that I do for kids. When he does see me, he "doesnt bother me"

But like I said him being there in my little room takes up space! Its not like I have my own house and he stays in the basement and I am still complaining about space. No ma'am. I have a desk, a bed and a bathroom. That is it. So when I am home, he is always in my room. Its not just him, even if my roommate (whom I absolutely love and adore) if she stayed in my room all day... that would aggravate the tar out of me. My frustrations are amplified due to the fact that not only do I provide housing with FREE rent but I am also cab driver with no compensation!

I dont know HOW TO make him leave without it being a long drawn out scene. He is "sensitive" to say the least.

Last edited by Idris; 02-19-2010 at 11:28 AM.

 
Old 02-19-2010, 11:36 AM   #8
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

oh so now he's threatening blackmail if he doesn't get his way?
threatening to use his leverage about the dog?
he needs to go.....you don't owe him anything.....he needs to go.
he's imposing on you, your roommate and your living situation.....end of story.
you don't need to make him understand you're frustrated....you just need to make him understand he can't live there anymore.....whether or not you're frustrated doesn't make any difference.

 
Old 02-19-2010, 11:56 AM   #9
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

You can't 'make him understand' you're frustrated, other than simply explaining to him how you feel. Beyond that, it's his problem. You aren't his mom - and it sounds like you have gone above and beyond in order to help him; but there's a big difference between 'help' and enabling, too. Are you even sure when he's at his friend's house, they are looking for work - and not just hanging out? And if he is getting unemployment, why isn't he at least helping you somewhat - ie paying for gas, groceries, etc? Also, you said he was behind on his child payment - what does that tell you?

I think you can still offer help (if that's what you want to do) in the way of rides or whatever, but he shouldn't be living with you. As another poster mentioned, though, are you sure he's just 'down on his luck', or is it possible he's just a 'loser' with a down on his luck excuse? Best way to find out - tell him he can't live with you - and see where it goes from there. You don't want to be stuck providing for a guy who can't take care of himself - you deserve a relationship with a man who can (and will) provide for himself, not one you need to take care of.

I'd NEVER put a woman I was dating, in that position.
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Old 02-19-2010, 12:01 PM   #10
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

Doesn't he have any pride? If was any kind of a man he wouldn't be living off of his EX girlfriend. I mean, come on. Why can't he stay at his unemployed friend's house? The two of them can pool their unemployement checks together for food, rent, and gas while they look for work. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be working and studying your butt off only to come home to your EX playing video games and taking up space.

Everyone falls on hard times, but he should be able to find an altenative living arrangements now that he has his check coming in every week. I can understand that you feel guilty, but you're wrong to feel that way. You've done what you can for him, now he needs to sort himself out. You need to focus your attention and energy on your studies and job, not your ex.

 
Old 02-19-2010, 01:38 PM   #11
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

you have become an enabler ....youre allowing this to happen. If you continue to allow it, dont expect different results. The hardest thing youll ever do is cut him off - and you dont have to be cruel in doing it, but you DO have to do it. You have to have him move out. You can give him a ride to wherever he is going- you can even offer him 100$ to get thru the week...but as long as you allow him to freeload off you, who is really at fault here??
Things wont change unless you stop allowing it to stay the same.
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Old 02-19-2010, 02:24 PM   #12
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

Quote:
Originally Posted by genova77 View Post
Why can't he stay at his unemployed friend's house? The two of them can pool their unemployement checks together for food, rent, and gas while they look for work.
My thoughts exactly. What is the problem with that idea? Why hasn't he done it yet?

See? He DOES have somewhere else to go, and it's NOT with you! Kick him out, he's dragging you down with him! Never EVER let an EX drag you down with them!

 
Old 02-19-2010, 02:43 PM   #13
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

if he won't move out.....YOU move

 
Old 02-24-2010, 09:32 AM   #14
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

Thank you for all your replies. I tried to speak with him about it and he said he could not move at his friend's house because his friend has a girlfriend he lives with and on top of that there is another unemployed person that lives there. Still its not my problem but I dont really know what else to do. I think he may have found a job but it pays $8.00

Better than nothing but I really do not want him staying at my house and I guess there is not a nice way to make him leave?

There is also something else that bothers me. We have gym memberships to the same gym. I want to start going and he wants to go back too. But he wants me to swing by after work to come pick him up. Picking him up is not out of the way but I just dont want to. I know that sounds so selfish but I am so sick of having to worry about him that I dont want to bother taking him to the gym. I want to be AWAY from him and I just want my own space. Is that rude? He is already consuming my study, personal, home - space... the only escape I really have is when I am at school, work...and hopefully the gym.

to answer one post, no he doesnt really have much pride. to be honest, i have come to the conclusion that he is loser quality. he considers us "back together" -- apparently he has been telling other people that.

I know I am ALLOWING him to take me thru all this but its really hard. I dont really know how to tell somebody to just get out and not ever come back especially when I care about them and especially when we had a past together.

Also, even if he did had money coming in consistently and even if he was buying my groceries, putting gas etc - I dont want him living in MY ROOM! I dont want him there all the time occupying my personal space. Its aggravating

 
Old 02-24-2010, 10:04 AM   #15
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Re: Wanting to help him but frustrated out of my mind

You have two choices...ask him to move out or have him there forever. If you really wanted him out, you'd ask him to leave. That's why I think maybe a tiny part of you is enjoying the fact that he is dependent on you. Maybe having the upper hand is fun for you? Maybe the way you two broke up gave him control and now you have it back? I'm purely speculating, but for every suggestion you've been given, you give a reason why it can't work. I think if you honestly were sick of him and wanted him out, you'd make him move.
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