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Old 03-04-2010, 07:05 AM   #1
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Just looking for someone to hear me out...

I am having some problems with my boyfriend.
I never thought I would be in a relationship with someone who 1) can't control his intake of alcohol when he does decide to drink and 2) who becomes very angry and irrational and in some cases will push me or call me names.
For a large part of my childhood I saw domestic violence on a daily basis, and I swore to myself I would never be in that situation again.
I am in love with this person. When we're both sober- which is the majority of the time- he really makes me the happiest I've ever been and while he still does have a lot of issues, I am willing- happy, actually- to be there for him and to provide security and understanding and I know he feels the same about me. We all have problems but those who love us will accept them and be there for you and that's what I try to do for him to show him he can trust me. But he's extremely wary- almost paranoid- that I am deceiving him or am going to deceive him. I must constantly assure him that I am loyal and true. He tells me sometimes that I'm "playing" and will accuse me of not caring about him and that our relationship is just a "game" to me. He says all of these irrational, hurtful things (I'm quickly learning not to let them get me down as they're becoming repetitive and generic and I don't believe these suspicions have anything to do with me) but it saddens me to see him so constantly on edge and it frustrates and worries me that I may not be able to calm him down or relieve his anxieties. Last night he insisted that I drop him off at a "friend's" house (as we were on the way back to his house) and told me to go to his house and lock the door and he would walk home. I kept asking him why and what he was going to do and that if he wanted to go to his friend's, then I would just go home to my place, not wait around at HIS place. It was late and I was tired and it was absolutely absurd for him to be walking the streets back to his house, but he again insisted that I just go back to his place and not leave saying "PLEASE, I need you to do this for me. Just go back to my house and wait for me can you do that? THANK YOU" only he wasn't really asking me, he was more demanding me. I made a wrong turn and he told me I was stupid and started belittling me. At that point, I was just filled with worry- worried at his baligerance and worried also for my own concern. I did not want to leave him alone and I wanted to make sure he got back okay so I went back to his house and waited and waited- I called him three times and his phone was off. I eventually fell asleep (it was 4am and I had been drinking myself, lets not forget) and I awoke to banging on his front door. I got up to get it and as soon as the door opened he pushed me against the closet and started yelling at me for not answering the door sooner and telling me I'm stupid and I'm a liar and again accused me of not caring about him- I told him I was leaving and then he pretended he didnt hear me and TOLD me to leave. I quickly grabbed all my stuff and left. He called me once I got home and I just decided not to answer because I knew nothing good would come of anything we would say. He called again and I told him to call me in the morning, I'm done talking to him tonight. Now he's called me and he has this pitiful voice and is trying to manipulate me into saying I don't want to be with him anymore and saying I don't like him. He always tries to put words into my mouth. He always asks me if I think he is crazy and I say no- because I don't really believe in "crazy" I suppose, but that's an entirely different story that I won't go into... but he really does not make it easy to talk to him. He has a wall built up so high with a full army behind it, I wonder if I'll ever get through.
I know all this sounds extremely unhealthy and exhausting- I worry that I will exhaust myself sometimes but I have faith in him and myself and in us that he will one day be able to feel calm... it just has to be in his own mind first, which I can't help with. I feel extremely helpless.

Am I kidding myself? I guess this is the classic "I could change him!" complex- but I'm really not trying to change him, I just want him to believe in me and to see I believe in him. I want to be his friend.

 
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Old 03-04-2010, 07:13 AM   #2
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Re: Just looking for someone to hear me out...

Yes, you are kidding youself and no, you cannot change him. You should stop putting up with this mess right now. Get out now!

 
Old 03-04-2010, 07:15 AM   #3
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Re: Just looking for someone to hear me out...

he's controlling and abusive......this is a dangerous relationship that you need to get away from pronto.....

 
Old 03-04-2010, 07:58 AM   #4
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Re: Just looking for someone to hear me out...

What are you getting out of the relationship?

 
Old 03-04-2010, 07:59 AM   #5
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Re: Just looking for someone to hear me out...

A GOOD man may take some time to find and even NO man is better than a controlling abusive man. . . . Ask yourself if you could put up with his actions long term. I would hope the answer would be "absolutely not".
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Old 03-04-2010, 08:27 AM   #6
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Re: Just looking for someone to hear me out...

Being so "in love" with each other will not stop the inevitable and looming violence from hurting just as much. You are actually doing HIM no good by enabling this behaviour. Every time you forgive him, or play it down, you are giving him license to carry on and not take any responsibility for his actions. You sound like a very sincere loving person, just the sort who will "do the right thing" until it destroys her. Having faith in somebody is all very well, but these issues are too hard for a partner to deal with alone. This is classic softening-up behaviour; to blame you for his nastiness. It is not a big leap to predict you saying "if I am careful not to upset him, he won't hit me again". Be very careful if you choose to stay in this dangerous situation. Sera.

 
Old 03-04-2010, 09:01 AM   #7
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Re: Just looking for someone to hear me out...

You know, . . . if you are not skilled in a specific job, you don't get hired. Why is it that those who have lousy relationship skills have their "job"? He needs to be schooled before given the priviledge of a relationship. Just my opinion.
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Old 03-04-2010, 10:03 AM   #8
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Re: Just looking for someone to hear me out...

What are you waiting for?Are you waiting for him to fix himself?Or are you waiting for you to fix him?If yes,you are waiting for the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,it ain't gonna happen.

Your rel.is so uhealthy for both of you.You both drink,you both have huge insecurities.his paranoia your "not knowing what he's gonna do next".This is an abusive timebomb just waiting to be detonated.

You need to ASAP,get out.Your health and your life are at stake.

 
Old 03-04-2010, 10:15 AM   #9
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Re: Just looking for someone to hear me out...

I think you allready know the answers you are looking for. It isnt that hard to figure out. I think that you just need some reassurance. There are many people out there who will support you. Leave this man, he's bad news.

 
Old 03-04-2010, 10:30 AM   #10
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Re: Just looking for someone to hear me out...

Your in a classic co-dependant relationship. His anger is not going to go away, no matter how "good" and "caring" and "loving" you are to him. He is controlling and manipulative, and I'd bet my bottom dollar that he blames his drinking, anger, and anxiety on you, and on everyone else but himself.

Can you see yourself with him for the rest of your life just exactly the way things are now or worse? Because that is what you are in for. It doesnt get better. It gets worse. Follow that intuition that is yelling in your ear. Get out now.

The drinking is unhealthy as well, and if you keep drinking you'll fall into the trap of feeling helpless and you will remain co dependant with him. You both need to get away from each other, and the alcohol is only fueling the disfunction between you.

 
Old 03-04-2010, 03:21 PM   #11
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Re: Just looking for someone to hear me out...

His actions are scary, and you should run. He has way more problems than you could ever fix. No good can ever come out of this.

The world is full of people who would cherish a compassionate, honest, loyal woman..Anything less than that is a waste of your good nature, and your time. Do not let this man scar your soul..

 
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