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Old 03-13-2010, 09:14 PM   #1
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stuck between a rock and a hard place

First id like to say that I want to keep this post as short as possible, but we all know how hard that can be when talking about our relationships...its complex. Anyways, my problem is very complicated and im in much need of some good advice please.
Im a 24 year old stay at home mom with a son who has severe hemophilia. For anyone who does not know what this is it is basically a blood disorder in which your blood does not clot very easily. He can not only not stop bleeding when externally cut, but he can also internally bleed with injury to his body. Its not that more blood excreetes- it just does not stop on its own. This can be a very stressful problem when you have an eighteen month old boy just because boys are so much more aggressive than girls.
To make things even more complicated I am currently staying with my son at my parents house due to the fact that I could not handle my fiance( the father of my child) any longer. My sons father is emotionally abusive and at times a little physical with me. What I really want is to have my son stay with me most of the time and with his dad for one or two days a week; however, I fear that my parents house is not as safe for my sons hemophilia?
So the question is where should my son stay? I want him with me, but first and far most his safety is most important. I do not have a job currently or enough money to get an apartment. That is my goal to have my own place but it is very far away...lots of debt I have to pay off first. My sons father can be very vicious and I worry if my son stays with him he will try to make it seem like I abandoned him or dont care about him (when thats clearly not the case) like to a judge regarding a custody battle. I care about my son very much. I just dont know what to do!!! Any suggestions would be so apppreciated.

Last edited by brwneyedgrl24; 03-13-2010 at 09:18 PM. Reason: added something

 
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Old 03-14-2010, 07:19 AM   #2
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Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place

Is there anything you can do to MAKE your parents' home more safe? Baby gates in front of stair cases, stickers on glass doors, that kind of thing? I think it's worth the effort to try.

Has your ex significant other ever displayed any anger toward your son? If he gets physical with you, it's not impossible that he will get physical with your son if he's provoked badly enough, and that could be more dangerous than anything at your parents' house.

And you're right, if you leave and leave your son with your ex, that's all a judge will need to award residential custody to your ex. That's not really an option.

 
Old 03-14-2010, 08:41 AM   #3
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Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place

I don't think you mentioned why you think your parents house would not be safe for him? It sounds to me like your ex is a raving psycho who will probably hurt your son, so I don't understand how that environment would be any better?

 
Old 03-14-2010, 01:33 PM   #4
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Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place

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I don't think you mentioned why you think your parents house would not be safe for him? It sounds to me like your ex is a raving psycho who will probably hurt your son, so I don't understand how that environment would be any better?
Well Kszan my parents first off have a basement with cement stairs- no carpeting covering them. They also have stairs on the second level going up to the third floor which has carpeting but thinner carpetong covering them. I know there are gates that I can buy if and when I can get the money to do that. My parents also have a stone fireplace in the livingroom and a huge picture window where the glass is like 50 years old so its not the most durable- pretty easy to break I imagine. Their tv stand that their tv sits on seems wobly so I was hoping to convince them to buy a new more secure stand for it. And my mom has a skinny tall china cabinet and coat rack that are wobly that should really be in the basement where he cannot get to it. So Ive already thought of things to do to try and make it a safer environment;however, it seems while he is in my care he will be secluded to only a certain area where I have a fenced in gate for him large enough for all his toys and to walk around in and be safe, but I know that is probably not fair to him. Theres no good solution it seems.

Last edited by brwneyedgrl24; 03-14-2010 at 01:34 PM.

 
Old 03-14-2010, 01:47 PM   #5
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Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place

What is fair to him, is to be protected from the potential abuse by his dad.

The issues in the house seem easy enough to fixed...are your parents willing?

There is cheap, simple, easy to install hardware designed to attach bookcases to the wall, and you can often find used stair security gates at thrift stores. There will always be some potential danger spots in every home, but I would rather keep him there under close watch, than subject him to possible mental distress, or worse, abuse.

If your man can abuse you, he can abuse your son too. Don't give him that chance. A bigger play space would be nice, but the price is too high!

 
Old 03-14-2010, 02:15 PM   #6
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Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place

How old is your child? Is money an issue with regard to improving your parents home?

I also don't see what the big issue would be with fixing up your parents home. Isolating your son for a window of time while it's being done would not be that big of a deal. Depending upon his age, he might wish to explore more space than he's being allowed but little kids wish for a lot of things parents have to control them from having.

If money or physical ability is a problem, there are organizations (including private companies) who can help. It's just a matter of calling around and following leads. Many large companies have days where they send employees out in groups to help improve homes. Considering this is needed to help with your son's medical condition, I'd think there would be resources for assistance.

Sometimes things can feel more overwhelming than they actually are. With being under a lot of stress, we can make little things seems enormous. Some of the things you list seem like small issue....put a lock on the basement door so he can't access those steps, while the window installation might be an issue, glass does not wear out so it being 50 years old wouldn't really impact the strength of the glass (even 50 years ago window glass was pretty strong)....

Basically, I'd go with controlling your boy's environment while you get the house in order. I understand it's not ideal, but it does seem the safer choice.

 
Old 03-14-2010, 02:27 PM   #7
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Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place

I'm just telling you that if it were me, I'd modify the heck out of my parents house and keep the psycho ex as far away from my son as possible.

I don't even think there's any choice here. I would never trust a guy who is abusive with my kid(s)! Even less if one of my kids had hemophilia of all things!

What do your parents think? Do they have an opinion? What are they like, are they good people? Or are they pretty much worthless? Because I know some people whose parents are complete tools unfortunately. If they're good people then keep your kid safe with them. If they're not, then start planning a new strategy. That's all you can do.

 
Old 03-14-2010, 04:03 PM   #8
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Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place

What would be the good side of letting your son stay with his dad, (without you I assume) ? Unless we are missing something big...it sounds like a question with only one good answer.

 
Old 03-14-2010, 04:19 PM   #9
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Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place

Im so glad I asked healthboards for answers. Maybe I do feel a bit overwhelmed its just fixing this house up to the right safety standards is going to probably cost more than my parents can afford, but I think I will do some research and make some calls and see if there is some kind of charity that can maybe provide me a discount or better yet try the thrift stores for smaller projects like gates. I know everyone thinks I sent my kid to stay with the devil, but he does seem to be fine with our son just not me. If I ever suspect that he is not treating my son right when he is with him, then I will tell the courts so he is ordered to go to anger management. He has already voluntarily gone, but it unfortunately doesnt help those who dont really want to change for the better. Can I ask just one more question since you all have such good advice and suggestions: should I try to work out the whole custody situation between me and him, so I dont cause any unnecesary problems with him, or should I just say screw it and take him to court so it can be set in legal terms and conditions? I just dont want to make him more mad than he might be already since I left him, and he believes that I like his best friend who made a pass at me, because I guesse his friend is attracted to me.

 
Old 03-14-2010, 09:39 PM   #10
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Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place

I advise you to see an attorney. My ex husband and I divorced without ever setting foot in a courtroom; our legal representative (I used a parelegal and she advised us both) did all the paperwork, had us both in her office to hammer out an agreement and it only cost $300! That included the settlement, custody agreement and child support agreement!

Yours may not be that simple or easy, but getting legal advice is the best thing you can do, that way a fair agreement can be worked out.
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Old 03-15-2010, 02:08 AM   #11
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Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place

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Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
I advise you to see an attorney. My ex husband and I divorced without ever setting foot in a courtroom; our legal representative (I used a parelegal and she advised us both) did all the paperwork, had us both in her office to hammer out an agreement and it only cost $300! That included the settlement, custody agreement and child support agreement!

Yours may not be that simple or easy, but getting legal advice is the best thing you can do, that way a fair agreement can be worked out.
There is much truth to that quote. Thanks for the good advice- i needed it. Seems like the best solution. Thanks everyone. I feel much better.

 
Old 03-15-2010, 10:15 AM   #12
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Re: stuck between a rock and a hard place

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Originally Posted by brwneyedgrl24 View Post
should I try to work out the whole custody situation between me and him, so I dont cause any unnecesary problems with him, or should I just say screw it and take him to court so it can be set in legal terms and conditions?
Make it legal. Even under the best conditions it's best. I get along very well with my ex, however, when it came to custody and money, even the best of dad's can make excuses. Do not worry about how he will feel. It is your right to take care of your son, legally. The ex will get over it, and having it legal (child support and custody arrangements) will prevent him from manipulating you and controlling things on his terms only. Especially due to his abusive nature towards you. If you make things legal then you don't have to be the enforcer- the courts are, and you can stay out of it. Let him be angry at the system, not you.

And if you get this done legally, he will start paying you your fair share of child support. I know from my own personal experience that the court will award you what you need to take care of your child. You go to a mediator, who will look at your expences, especially when a special needs like your sons medical needs are to be considered.

The courts have a family law facilitator for those who can not afford a lawyer. You can get everything done without one. Just some paperwork and legwork on your part.

Good luck!

Last edited by River rocks; 03-15-2010 at 10:17 AM.

 
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