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Old 03-25-2010, 08:06 AM   #1
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mad that my bf just bought a sports car

My bf has a decent job and I always thought he was pretty good with managing money and his spending. Recently we have been talking about marriage and our future and we want to move in that direction. We have also been looking at engagement rings, so things are getting serious in a good way. But when I think of marriage I start thinking about all the little things and big things, especially money. Everyone knows with the economy you have to be especially careful and this worries me some. I do not want to get married until I graduate (which will be this fall). I plan to getting a job in medical sales, at least that's where I want to work anyway. If I get a job in this field, I know I will be in good shape financially.

However, the other day my bf was looking at cars with my dad b/c my dad was buying a new car for himself. My bf's car was great on gas and about 6yrs old. We also live about 40 min from each other. I own my own house and my bf is paying a mortgage on his. He also still owed money on his old car.

When he gets back from the dealer he tells me that he really wants a 350 z or a 370 z which is a 2-seater convertible sports car that gets about 24 miles to the gallon. it also costs about $1000 for a new set of tires. He's sooo excited about this car b/c it's a pretty good deal used. He said he really wants to buy it. Of course, I am less impulsive when it comes to financial decisions, so I said ''you know i know you really like that car but it's really bad on gas, no trunk space for long trips, and live about 30 miles apart.'' he agreed that the downside was that it was bad on gas, but that he liked it a lot. so i told him just to think about it really good first, and we pretty much left it alone.

the next day he wanted to go back to the dealer and check it out again. i get a text from him saying he just bought it. i was kinda upset. but he was happy and i didnt want to rain on his parade. but i was just upset. here we are talking about marriage and children (eventually) and he goes and buys a car that is a gas guzzler and is high in maintenance. we also said that if we got married we would want to live in my house b/c it's bigger and also paid for; however, he would have to commute 40 miles to work, so why buy a car that's crappy on gas?? i could see if he was making a lot more money or if this was his second car

the point is when you get married you put all your funds together and you share everything, and i feel he mad a bad decision. what if he gets laid off like so many people are nowadays?? he has only been at this job for a yr. he would lose his car. then when we have kids how practical is a sports car? not very. so we'd have to buy another car and pay more insurance than if we just had the right car to begin with
i could see if he bought that car in his early twenties or after we had kids.

so i told him all of this last night, everything i just said. he goes ''why didn't you tell me all of this before because i would have probably not gotten it right now.'' first of all, we arent married NOW so I don't feel I should tell him what to do with his finances. I mean he is a grown man who should already be thinking about all of these things. I did originally tell him that the car is not economical, so i figured a light-bulb would have gone off in his head but no

anyway what's done is done. i guess all this does is give me more to think about

 
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Old 03-25-2010, 08:29 AM   #2
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

Well it does give you more to think about. And I dont disagree at all with your reasons for not wanting him to buy the car. But here is the thing. You didn't disclose to him all of your reasons for not liking this idea, and a lot of us dont think about every little angle of everything. We need input from others to make the best possible decision. He came to you and told you his idea, and you didnt tell him everything you thought about it. Now, you want him to prove that he can behave in a safe manner, and prove that he is husband material, and in my opinion, he came to you looking for your advice, which is very husbandly, and you didn't give him all of the wonderful points that you earlier mentioned. You can never assume that somebody can read into a situation. Ever hear of the expression, "when we assume, we make an *** out of u and me"?

Second thing that is happening here is you did leave the decision entirely up to him. You cannot turn a situation over to somebody after they have come to you for input, not give it to them fully, and then be upset with them because they didn't decide the way you wanted them to. I know I hate it when people do that to me. I am the type of person that has to get lot's of advice before making a decision. I will ask everyone for their input, even my rabbi! And when I make my decision, which will normally be based on the majority of my input, and somebody tells me I'm foolish for such such and such reasons, I feal really upset that they didn't come to me sooner with this information. It would have given me more to think about. And I like to have all the cards on the table before I make a decision.

Now, having gone through all that, maybe you want somebody who doesn't need so much advice, and maybe you want somebody who thinks a little more like you. It sounds like your boyfriend is willing to take your advice, listen to you, and respect your decisions. However, not everybody want's to tell somebody how to do things. Some people want a person who can just get it......a person who steps up as equal in the decision making process rather then being dependant on what you think. Unfortunately, I am not an equal, I absolutely require a strong decision maker because I am typically not one myself. But it sounds to me like you are the other way around and your looking for a person who can keep up in that area. So I dont think this all is a matter of him making a bad decision so much as that he depends on you to make a good one. I believe he is capable of it from everything you have mentioned, but I dont know if he is capable of doing it without your help. And whether or not that is something you can handle is really only something you can decide for yourself.

I'm sorry this was so long......I have a tendancy to ramble. But I wish the best of luck to you.
Melissa

 
Old 03-25-2010, 08:42 AM   #3
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

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Originally Posted by justmel30 View Post
Well it does give you more to think about. And I dont disagree at all with your reasons for not wanting him to buy the car. But here is the thing. You didn't disclose to him all of your reasons for not liking this idea, and a lot of us dont think about every little angle of everything. We need input from others to make the best possible decision. He came to you and told you his idea, and you didnt tell him everything you thought about it. Now, you want him to prove that he can behave in a safe manner, and prove that he is husband material, and in my opinion, he came to you looking for your advice, which is very husbandly, and you didn't give him all of the wonderful points that you earlier mentioned. You can never assume that somebody can read into a situation. Ever hear of the expression, "when we assume, we make an *** out of u and me"?

Second thing that is happening here is you did leave the decision entirely up to him. You cannot turn a situation over to somebody after they have come to you for input, not give it to them fully, and then be upset with them because they didn't decide the way you wanted them to. I know I hate it when people do that to me. I am the type of person that has to get lot's of advice before making a decision. I will ask everyone for their input, even my rabbi! And when I make my decision, which will normally be based on the majority of my input, and somebody tells me I'm foolish for such such and such reasons, I feal really upset that they didn't come to me sooner with this information. It would have given me more to think about. And I like to have all the cards on the table before I make a decision.

Now, having gone through all that, maybe you want somebody who doesn't need so much advice, and maybe you want somebody who thinks a little more like you. It sounds like your boyfriend is willing to take your advice, listen to you, and respect your decisions. However, not everybody want's to tell somebody how to do things. Some people want a person who can just get it......a person who steps up as equal in the decision making process rather then being dependant on what you think. Unfortunately, I am not an equal, I absolutely require a strong decision maker because I am typically not one myself. But it sounds to me like you are the other way around and your looking for a person who can keep up in that area. So I dont think this all is a matter of him making a bad decision so much as that he depends on you to make a good one. I believe he is capable of it from everything you have mentioned, but I dont know if he is capable of doing it without your help. And whether or not that is something you can handle is really only something you can decide for yourself.

I'm sorry this was so long......I have a tendancy to ramble. But I wish the best of luck to you.
Melissa
see i feel the opposite. i feel he didnt come to me for advice b/c he only came to me to tell me that he wanted to buy this car b/c he's always wanted it. he said the deal was too good to miss. and then i did say ''you know it's really bad on gas, no trunk space for long trips, and live about 30 miles apart.'' he agreed that the downside was that it was bad on gas, but that he liked it a lot. i told him to think about it b/c i felt as if telling him all of those other reasons would seem like i was trying to control his finances. i would have been so happy if he would have said ''do u think it's a good idea?'' but he didnt. i thought by telling him how bad it is on gas would make him think about the big picture. he is 35 yrs old; he's a grown man. plus i told him my mom used to have that car and eventually got rid of it bc of the gas situation. he didnt say anything when i told him those things, so i thought he was just going to think about it and maybe shop around more.

 
Old 03-25-2010, 09:34 AM   #4
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

You are in that gray area, as his fiance, having the right to give your opinion but yet not married so ultimatley the decision is rightfully his. I know this first hand because I am in the same boat.

Just last night my fiance said that his daughter (25 years old, complacent, can not keep a job and has been in jail twice) asked him for $1,800 to buy into a skin product sales thing. Myself, being more detached from the emotion, can see plainly that it would be money thrown away. But I can not tell him what to do....only advise. And like you, I think of the future. Will he always make the same decisions? When we are married, will I have more of a say in the finances? Or will it create a bigger issue.

I was thinking about your situation, and I probably would have the same reacion. However that being said, I'm thinking the best way to move forward on solid ground is to accept his decision without making the car an object of contention between you. You have every right to tell him your feelings, "well, I don't think it is the most practical choice". But in the end, what's done is done, and he is really excited about it. So, as the old cliche goes...If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I guess I'm saying that maybe the best way to move past your concern is to voice your opinion, then let it go, and enjoy the car together. Just imagine how happy he will be if you jump on the excited band wagon with him and really enjoy the car. Later on you can get a more reliable car. You guys are in the prime of your life, maybe the sports car is a way to "live a little" before you do have the kids, buckle down and get practical. KWIM?

Its like the couples who (I think wisely) decide to travel and vacation and do all the awesomethings before having kids. Becasue the reality is you wont have a chance to (alone) when the kids come.

One more bit then I'm done. One year ago, my very trusty and economical honda died. I was sad because I loved that car. So when I started looking, I couldn't help but fantisize about the Mustang I always wanted my whole driving life. I mentioned it a couple times to my now fiance. At first he was not thrilled, for the same reasons you are not thrilled right now. But then, as he saw how happy I was at the mere thought of it, he told me I should do it. I should get the Mustang, because you only live once. We got it, and both of us love it. We love driving it. You might learn to be as excited with the car as your fiance eventually!

Do you live closer to your work/school than 40 miles? If so, then when he moves in maybe you could suggest he takes your practical car to work, and drive the sporty one around town haha- just a thought!!

Last edited by River rocks; 03-25-2010 at 09:36 AM.

 
Old 03-25-2010, 09:55 AM   #5
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

Money is often a huge conflict for people in relationships. My fiance and I tried merging our funds but it didn't work out- he has two children from a previous marriage that his ex won't support financially and so he was using my money to support his kids. We ended up splitting our money into individual accounts and even though we're getting married this year it's likely we'll leave it that way. We do still discuss major purchases but due to the fact that our money is separate it basically boils down to if the one person can afford it and it doesn't impact the ability of us as a couple to achieve our goal of buying a house (or other "couple" goals), then it's fair game. He just traded in his paid off truck for a brand new top of the line Dodge pickup, fully loaded. He asked me if it was ok, first, but really it's his money. I told him as long as it's not going to adversely affect our ability to buy a house this year, then go for it. I want him to be happy.

My suggestion is for the both of you to either really sit down and talk about your individual views on financial matters and work out an approach that will work for you in marriage, or see a financial counselor. This can be a huge problem in marriage if you don't address it. Good luck.

 
Old 03-25-2010, 11:51 AM   #6
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

You aren't married yet so you didn't tell him how you really felt. You can't have it both ways. Don't hold it against him now.

Before you do get married you have to hash these things out.

 
Old 03-25-2010, 12:11 PM   #7
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

Men aren't mind-readers (well, no one is, really). To say that he "should" have come to the same conclusion as you, or that he "should" have wanted the same things or felt the same way as you based on the little bit of feedback you gave him is not really fair, in my opinion. That's kind of like women whose husbands ask them "whats wrong", she snaps back "nothing!" and then gets angry because he "should" have known that something was wrong based on the way she spoke.

Next time, tell him how you really feel! You don't have to be mean or rude or condescending about it, simply express how you feel and then realize he will make his own decision, hopefully at least considering your input.
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Old 03-25-2010, 12:15 PM   #8
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

Quote:
Originally Posted by mustluvfitness View Post
see i feel the opposite. i feel he didnt come to me for advice b/c he only came to me to tell me that he wanted to buy this car b/c he's always wanted it. he said the deal was too good to miss. and then i did say ''you know it's really bad on gas, no trunk space for long trips, and live about 30 miles apart.'' he agreed that the downside was that it was bad on gas, but that he liked it a lot. i told him to think about it b/c i felt as if telling him all of those other reasons would seem like i was trying to control his finances. i would have been so happy if he would have said ''do u think it's a good idea?'' but he didnt. i thought by telling him how bad it is on gas would make him think about the big picture. he is 35 yrs old; he's a grown man. plus i told him my mom used to have that car and eventually got rid of it bc of the gas situation. he didnt say anything when i told him those things, so i thought he was just going to think about it and maybe shop around more.
Sounds like you're expecting him to read your mind.

I agree with you that if marriage is a future possibility, then big financial decisions should be a mutual decision. My wife and I definitely would not have made big purchases without consulting the other in the years leading up to our marriage (although, we were also living together for a number of years before marriage, so our finances were somewhat merged already). That said, you should have been better about voicing your concerns. Something to think about for the next time.

It sounds like he would have been responsive to your concerns had you voiced them, so that's good. But think about whether this spending issue crops up in any other areas, and whether it will resurface time and again. It might be worth talking about some of your long-term thoughts on finances, spending, budgeting, etc.

 
Old 03-25-2010, 03:55 PM   #9
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

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Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
Men aren't mind-readers (well, no one is, really). To say that he "should" have come to the same conclusion as you, or that he "should" have wanted the same things or felt the same way as you based on the little bit of feedback you gave him is not really fair, in my opinion. That's kind of like women whose husbands ask them "whats wrong", she snaps back "nothing!" and then gets angry because he "should" have known that something was wrong based on the way she spoke.

Next time, tell him how you really feel! You don't have to be mean or rude or condescending about it, simply express how you feel and then realize he will make his own decision, hopefully at least considering your input.
I guess what I am trying to say is maybe because he didnt have the same concerns as me makes me wonder if we might have big financial differences and problems in the future. if i was his wife, i would have def gave him my opinion (b/c obviously my money is involved too). i just wished he had asked me if i thought it was a good idea. this is such a grey area because as his gf i dont have the right to tell him what to do with his money; however, i am now starting to be more concerned b/c it will have a big impact on our marriage eventually.

it's funny. but my parents were getting ready to trade in there old car (which was in great condition) but it wasnt great on gas. they asked me if i wanted it from them, but i knew i didnt want a gas-guzzler. when i asked my bf about it he said the same thing. he said i would be putting too much money into it for gas. but now what does he do? buys a car that's also terrible on gas

 
Old 03-25-2010, 04:10 PM   #10
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

I think it was a good decision. He can afford it and he is young. My husband always wanted a SAAB convertible when we were dating and he had it for several years. That was until we got married and the first baby came. Guess what? The SAAB had to go! He still misses that car, but he had to get practical.

You don't have a ring on your finger yet and I believe this has more to do with the fact that he bought a car and didn't use that cash to put a ring on your finger. Well, I would say he isn't ready to marry and settle down just yet. He might need a few more years. How old are you guys?

It's his money, his life, and if he can afford to buy the car and pay all his other bills, then he deserves to have the car. At some point, if he feels the car is costing too much money in gas, then he can trade it in. If you wrote and said he was in debt up to his eyeballs and was skipping payments on his credit cards, then it would be a bad decision.

And, 24 miles to the gallon is not that bad! True, it isn't a Hybrid, but let the man have his fun!

Last edited by Belly Kelly; 03-25-2010 at 04:11 PM.

 
Old 03-25-2010, 04:23 PM   #11
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

I agree with everyone, like I said in my previous post as well, that it was his decision and you cant really hold it against him. But I also think that this is all part of the dating experience, and if this decision is completely against what you believe he should have chosen, then I dont think you are right to question it.......does that make any sense? I guess in short, you do have the right to scrutenize his decision.....but only inside yourself. It's not something you can hold against him because you did leave the decision up to him so it was completely his to make. If you think it is just too irresponsible for your taste, then maybe he isnt the right one for you. I dont think that makes him bad or irresponsible, because I dont really see that he did anything wrong. It just means that the two of you are different. However, the fact is you are not married yet, you do not have children yet, and it is somehting that he can affoard, so really, there isn't any harm here. And until you have "the talk" with him about where you see yourselves financially in the future and what goals you would like to have, you will not know if the two of you will ever be on the same page or not. If you are really concerned about it, you may want to set up a trial goal before becomming oficially engaged and combining any finances. A small enough goal that is tangeable, but a large enough one that it takes a little effort to achieve. For instance, you may want to start a savings account for a vacation or something for the future that the two of you want that costs maybe 5,000 or something like that. And then the two of you can save and make some decisions together. If you find that at the end of a couple months, your the only one putting into the account, and he keeps comming up short because he's buying "fun" items, then you would be able to better see what the financial future holds for the two of you. But he may surprise you. He may be just as excited to make some sound financial decisions together.
Melissa

Last edited by justmel30; 03-25-2010 at 04:34 PM.

 
Old 03-26-2010, 01:47 PM   #12
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

I personally dont see the problem here. If he can afford it without jeopardizing the life of himself and those he cares about, and he is still in charge of his own funds, then its not a problem. You are not married yet, and i think that you talking about marriage to him and he goes off and buys a new car means that he isnt ready to think about this yet. Not saying that he isnt interested in that, or doesnt have it on his mind. But maybe he feels like he isnt ready to take that step just yet, but he discusses it with you because he knows it means a lot to you. Maybe he is just scared to say he isnt ready to think about that just yet, but he doesnt want to hurt your feelings. Could be that you're just rushing it.

But thats just how i would feel, im not exactly the most normal person so who knows.

 
Old 03-26-2010, 04:40 PM   #13
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

agree with you 110% Lazer, glad a guy chimed in!

 
Old 03-27-2010, 07:48 AM   #14
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Re: mad that my bf just bought a sports car

I also agree with Lazer. Maybe I missed it, but are you guys officially engaged, ring on the finger, date set (I understand you want to get married after school)?

If not, this is really his decision and shouldn't be based on what could happen with your joint finances sometime down the road if and when you guys officially tie the knot. Maybe try and see the positive in this ... your guy has a sports car!!!

I say this because my hubby was pressured into selling his car that we'd bought new and was nearly paid off for a pickup truck (used) that he supposedly "needed" for a homebuilding job. Six months later, homebuilding bubble has burst, he's out of work and now we have a big car payment on a used vehicle that is always in need of repairs. He found work quickly, thankfully, but we're still stuck now with this truck and its payments. BUT we do have a truck. Trips to the home improvement store are easy for us. Hauling anything (except pets!) is totally doable now for us. Need firewood for the winter? Sure, I'm still irritated at times, but it really helps to focus on the cool stuff having a truck in the family brings.

On another note, you two sound like perfect compliments to each other -- he's a bit impulsive and buys things like sports cars, and you're thinking about things like gas mileage, the economy, savings and the like. I mean, as long as you two appreciate and respect each other's differences and can come to compromise, I believe you two will have a very solid future.

 
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