hi all,
I Just wanted to get a quick view on what people thought of this. Do you think it could be a great thing that could help a couple or on the other hand a sign that if you neeed it then you prob shouldn't be in the relationship anymore.
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If my life was written down in a book, you wouldn't get a single chapter, you would get the whole book.
Depends. First off, it would only do good as long as both people want to do it. And neither of you can go at it with the attitude that you want to go to prove to the counselor that you are right and your partner is wrong. You have to both be willing to do the work necessary to get back on track. But also I think that it can be used to help you determine that it's time to end it. Sometimes differences run too deep, and no amount of counseling can fix that.
If both of the couple go in willingly and with the attitude that counseling can work for them, then it is a healthy step. I've seen cases where even the worst relationships wre fixed by therapy, because they voth admitted that couples counceling would do good, AND they both wanted the relationship to work out.
Counseling is not the "kiss of death" in a realtionship unless one person already has their foot out the door and is no longer invested in making things work, or unless someone is being dragged in to it.
With both in agreement, I see it as a very valuable step towards healing and strengthing a realtionship.
In fact, it would be kinda cool if all couples whose goal is to remain committed to one another went to counseling even in the absense of "issues", just to learn about the other and to have that kind of understanding within the relationship.
I saw your post on the Bi-Polar board, about how your BF is currently unmedicated and not receiving counselling. And that he gave you an ultimatum that you decided you'd give in to because he said he wouldn't get treatment unless you gave in.
It seems to me that your run of the mill relationship counselling won't do much good if he's bi-polar and not being treated. He needs a specialist who is trained to treat bi-polar to get the most benefit.
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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
hmmmmm if your BF is an unmedicated bi-polar and is giving you ultimatums and manipulating you, I'd take a pass on the counselling.......
I'd also take a pass on the relationship.....speaking from experience. I was married to an unmedicated bi-polar man for 10 years
Well, I'm very concerned in this situation for a couple of reasons. He's sick, he has a problem and won't get help for it. his problem is making your life miserable, so you ask him to seek help for it. He says he will, but only if you make some kind of consession that you won't tell us about, but say that you consider it very unreasonable. So you give in to his unfair, unreasonable demand, become even more miserable for having done so, and he is still draggin his feet about getting help and getting better? Have I got that right?
Well, what concerns me is, he was in no position to be giving you ultimatums, unreasonable ones to boot. The situation should have been, he gets help or he loses you, NOT he gets help if he feels like it, sometime, but only if you subjegate yourself to him even more and allow him to be unfair and unreasonable with you. You had power in this situation and you gave it all away. You keep saying "don't cross this line" and he does, and instead of saying "ok, that's it" you draw another line, and another one and another one, and he keeps crossing them. That's not going to do either of you any good.
Look, this is not just a relationship, this is your life, and you're not enjoying it. It's your life, so why are you letting someone else run it? You have to allow for the possibility that maybe, just maybe, this is not the guy for you. It's not healthy to love someone fearfully, so fearfully that you will allow them to take away from the quality of your life just to keep them. The problem is, you're terrified to lose him, to be without him, and he knows it, and he is using it. Your fear, your inability to stand up for yourself enough to say "I'm done, see ya" gives him all the power. And if he has all the power, why SHOULD he really change? No matter what unreasonable demands of his you bow to?
He gets help or he loses you, period. If he doesn't love you enough to want to be a better man for you, then why would you want him to stay, anyway?
