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Old 03-28-2010, 06:03 PM   #1
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Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

I started seeing someone new that I'm crazy about, but I found out that about 12 years ago, one of his ex-girlfriends got a restraining order on him. I don't know any of the details or anything. If you found out the person you were seeing had an ex who got a restraining order on them, would that be a red flag or a dealbreaker for you??
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Old 03-28-2010, 06:34 PM   #2
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

I was in this situation before. It was a dealbreaker for me, but that's because it was coupled with other red flags. This guy seemed to REALLY want "a girlfriend," it's like it didn't matter whether or not we had anything in common or whatever, he just wanted a relationship and seemed needy off the bat. We kissed once and he started to talk about me like I was his girlfriend. Then he mentioned the restraining order and I just started to fit together that he was a bit unstable. Plus, he would always refer to her as "that b****," like it was all her and her family's fault.

If there were no other red flags at all and I really liked him, I don't think I'd break up with him, just take it slow.

 
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Old 03-28-2010, 06:51 PM   #3
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

It depends on the circumstances. My ex's ex GF (did that make sense?) knocked on his door one evening and when he opened it, she pepper sprayed him. No provocation at all (and I heard from witnesses). She then ran away and tripped and fell down his porch stairs. He called the cops and when they got there, she told them HE had attacked her (she had scrapes and cuts from her fall down the stairs and she said he'd beaten her). He was cuffed and placed in the back seat of the cop car. Then, after interviewing the witnesses, SHE ended up in the back seat of the cop car! So I think it could depend on if the ex was just retaliating for being dumped or something really did happen. Is there any way to find out the details?
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Old 03-28-2010, 06:56 PM   #4
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

Can you say, "background check"? lol. I had a boyfriend recently who I thought I knew, but turned out I didnt. Including but not limited to multiple felony charges and prison time! YIKES! I never thought that doing a background check on somebody you are dating was necessary, but today I absolutely would. This guy ended up taking me for quite a bit financially in the end, was hard on my kids, and left me pregnant. Soooooooo, today I see that no matter how "well" you know your partner, sometimes, you never really "know" them at all. All I can say is background check. Keep yourself safe. You dont have to announce it to the world or anything like that, and if he has nothing to hide, then your just fine. Good luck to you.
Melissa

Last edited by justmel30; 03-28-2010 at 06:58 PM.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 10:25 AM   #5
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

Ask him about it. There could be a logical explanation. If you still have doubts after he explains, see if you can view the file. Court records are public.

Regardless, I wouldn't do nothing. I think you have a right to ask and know what it's all about. But I also do not think it's a no-questions-asked automatic deal breaker.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 10:50 AM   #6
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

Normal people don't have restraining orders against them. Spend some money on a background check. This is likely just the tip of the iceberg.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 12:12 PM   #7
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

It's certainly a huge red flag worthy of some investigation, but it I wouldn't immediately write someone off because of it.

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Old 03-29-2010, 12:41 PM   #8
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

I kinda agree with caberg. I have a friend who took one out on her boyfriends ex-gf for flpping her off while passing her on the street. I thought she was seriously over-reacting to the incident and I was sure she wouldnt be able to get one anyway and would make a fool of herself down at the police station. But in the end, she got her restraining order, so I dont think they are probably that hard to get, especially if there are no whitnesses! You could probably make just about anything up that you wanted to. On the other hand, it could be something much more serious. I would definately check into it, do a background check if possible(which I would do anyway),ask him some questions, and ask some people who know him some questions as well to get a better idea of what the truth is. Just because you ask doesn't guarantee you will get the "real story". So beware of any other flags or "holes" in his response. Good luck to you.
Melissa

 
Old 03-29-2010, 12:57 PM   #9
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

Gypsy, how did you find out about it? Did it just come up in conversation or did you find out from an alternate source? It would depend on where you heard it from whether you should believe it's true or just a fabrication. And if it's true, you should certainly get more details about it to find out what happened and whether he is a psycho or if it was the girl who was a psycho and tried to pin something on him for the sake of revenge.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 03:00 PM   #10
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

It would absolutely be a huge red flag for me. But in my state, it's extremely hard to get a RO against someone. You can't just make stuff up. There must be evidence, and the victim has to go before a judge to get one. It's a pretty big deal.

Basic "domestic disputes" never warrant a RO on either side. Someone has to be physically beaten with evidence, raped with evidence or stalked with evidence.

So if it happened in Florida, it would be an extremely bright red flag for me.

Keep in mind court records get sealed. You may not be able to see what happened from the court file. But almost every state's clerk of courts for each county is now online and free. I'd start there if I were you.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 03:16 PM   #11
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

By itself I would not consider it a deal breaker. People can mature a LOT in 12 years. That said...if he exhibits other signs that he may be controlling and abusive, RUN.

 
Old 03-30-2010, 04:14 AM   #12
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

absolute dealbreaker.
where i live you cannot get a RO just b/c you can't stand someone etc.
it's considered a judgment against someone.
you have to be heard in front of a judge & the other side presents their case.
please do not make the big mistake of thinking this guy is somehow changed or will treat you differently than he has treated other girls.
huge red flag. huge.

 
Old 03-30-2010, 10:30 AM   #13
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

My brother's ex wife literally slammed herself against walls and pinched herself on her arms and legs, then said he beat her. She called 911, then hung up immediately, knowing that they would send a car out. She didn't succeed in getting a restraining order, but he now has a history of domestic violence calls that could hurt him in the future. So yes, it is possible to make false reports. The cops and judges tend to want to err on the side of caution in many cases.
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Old 03-30-2010, 10:34 AM   #14
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
Gypsy, how did you find out about it? Did it just come up in conversation or did you find out from an alternate source? It would depend on where you heard it from whether you should believe it's true or just a fabrication. And if it's true, you should certainly get more details about it to find out what happened and whether he is a psycho or if it was the girl who was a psycho and tried to pin something on him for the sake of revenge.


For me personally it would be a red flag. Do or have someone do
a background check. Let your boyfriend know you would like to talk
about something you have heard recently. Listen to what he says
and then still do a background check. Let someone else know in your
life (who is trustworthy) that you have concerns.

It would not be a deal breaker for me until I had more details about
what had occured.

Janaly

 
Old 03-30-2010, 10:40 AM   #15
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Re: Would This Be A Dealbreaker For You?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher View Post
I started seeing someone new that I'm crazy about, but I found out that about 12 years ago, one of his ex-girlfriends got a restraining order on him. I don't know any of the details or anything. If you found out the person you were seeing had an ex who got a restraining order on them, would that be a red flag or a dealbreaker for you??



For me personally it would be a red flag. Do or have someone do
a background check. Let your boyfriend know you would like to talk
about something you have heard recently. Listen to what he says
and then still do a background check. Let someone else know in your
life (who is trustworthy) that you have concerns and that you will
be speaking to him about your concerns. Be sure there are several
friends who know about this and then seek your answers. Just in
case your boyfriend were to get angry when you speak to him. He
also may not react negatively and talk calmly about things.


It would not be a deal breaker for me until I had more details about
what had occured.

Janaly

 
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