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Old 03-29-2010, 10:51 AM   #1
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over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

there is this guy, we have been friends for about 2 months. the first few weeks we hung out, we spent the entire weekends together. he lives about an hour away from me, so during the week we didnt really hang out. when we would hang out he would be affectionate, etc. in front of other people.it was very obvious that we were there "together". well after the first few weeks, he "came clean" with me and said he felt like he was misleading me because he didnt want a relationship. i was of course, a little crushed because things had been going so well etc. well, so i accepted it. i wasnt angry, and i could tell that he was confused (ex stuff). we talked about what was going on in his head and what not. well i told him that we can just be friends, which i AM okay with. after that i backed off. i didnt text him, or call him or initiate any conversation. he then started to text me more, and that gradually became more frequent. we didnt see eachother for about 2 weeks, and when we did hang out i ended up staying at his place the whole following day, because he wanted me there. when we woke up he asked what i wanted to do that day, what i wanted to eat for lunch, he cooked dinner, and he was saying we should do this and that together. i was a little confused but i didnt question it because i like this guy you know. its just kind of like he assumed i was going to stay.
so a week goes by and i had been pulling myself away from him in fear of being disappointed. well he asked what was wrong and said that he noticed i havent been talking to him much. well, there was something else going on also so i told him it was something i couldnt talk about in a text message and he was like ok im on my way. i didnt ask him to come so we could talk, he just assumed i guess that i needed to talk about it then. well he comes over, we talk (not about anything to do with him, just something else going on in my life thats stressful) and then we go get dinner & he ends up staying the night and going home the morning. that was on thursday... i didnt see him over the weekend. but he texts me throughout the day, and even when i dont respond he will send another text later.

so i cant help but over analyze this situation. i mean he ALREADY told me that he didnt want a relationship, so i just need to drop it but when i try he obviously notices it and comes back around on full force. i dont know if he likes me but hes hesitant out of fear of being hurt, or if hes confused, if he doesnt like me at all and just using me for company/someone to talk to when hes bored, or if maybe hes coming around... gahhh there are so many things. i feel like i am justifying his behavior when i talk about it.

i know the smart thing to do, is to just move on and if he wants to come around he will come around when he is ready. dont get me wrong, im not "waiting" for him. i have been talking to other guys and doing my own thing, but i still like this one guy a lot, but i feel like to him i am just his "default" you know? just wanted opinions... ask questions if you need me to clear something up.

 
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Old 03-29-2010, 11:06 AM   #2
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

What a sucky sticky situation!!! I totally expected your post to go another way (... everything was going good but now he doesn't call/ text/ talk to me). Its obvious that he is into you and it doesn't seem like its purely sexual and it doesn't even seem like he's on the rebound, just looking to pass the time. So I can understand why you are so confused!!!! But I think you need to be honest with yourself. Can you handle him turning around 3 month from now and saying "but I told you I didn't want anything serious or a GF"? If you can, just let it take its course. But if it's really going to drive you crazy if he reacts like this further down, I would try even harder to pull away. It's just not worth it. Tell him what you are feeling: "I really like you and I totally understand that you don't want a GF or want anything serious, but I don't want that situation for us". You'd be surprise. If he doesn't want to lose you, he will man-up and ask you out.

Good luck!

 
Old 03-29-2010, 11:22 AM   #3
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

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Originally Posted by curly fry View Post
What a sucky sticky situation!!! I totally expected your post to go another way (... everything was going good but now he doesn't call/ text/ talk to me). Its obvious that he is into you and it doesn't seem like its purely sexual and it doesn't even seem like he's on the rebound, just looking to pass the time. So I can understand why you are so confused!!!! But I think you need to be honest with yourself. Can you handle him turning around 3 month from now and saying "but I told you I didn't want anything serious or a GF"? If you can, just let it take its course. But if it's really going to drive you crazy if he reacts like this further down, I would try even harder to pull away. It's just not worth it. Tell him what you are feeling: "I really like you and I totally understand that you don't want a GF or want anything serious, but I don't want that situation for us". You'd be surprise. If he doesn't want to lose you, he will man-up and ask you out.

Good luck!
yeah! its totally backward dont you think??? well you see i was talking to my co-worker and she thinks that hes not interested in me, hes just wanting company and/or someone to talk to . i guess because if he was interested he would be persistent instead of showing so many mixed signals. when i thanked him for driving to see me thursday, he was like "well, i'm your friend" but it was an hour drive, and he had to work at 5 the next morning. so really? i mean... i wouldnt do that for just a friend. we HAVE been sexual before but since hes come out with the whole "i dont want a relationship" we have cut down the activity. i asked him a few days ago "when we dont see eachother for a few weeks, do you feel like you miss me?" and he responded with "i dont know" SO you know, that threw me for a loop as well. i just told him that there wasnt a "right" answer, and that it was just a question, so things wouldnt be weird.

i do know that i would be setting myself up for failure if i allowed this to just play his course because i am so afraid that he is just keeping me around so hes not lonely, and once he finds a girl that he wants to actually BE with, i am history.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 11:40 AM   #4
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

It doesn't sound good to me. Sounds like a friends with benefits situation. I'd tell him how you really feel and tell him that if he isn't ready or willing to reciprocate those feelings then it is time to move on.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 11:59 AM   #5
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

What makes me think there is more to this on his behalf is the fact that he did drive all that way to see you and how he does seem to keep you in his mind (by repeated texts when you don't respond). I'm not saying he is going 100% out of his way to contact you, but it seems like he is putting some effort... in to what exactly, I DON'T KNOW!!! But I still think you should speak up, even if he gives you an answer to don't want to hear. Its easier to stop these kinds of situations while you are still logical! LOL.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 12:12 PM   #6
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

i know that hes not ready for a relationship, since he did flat out tell me that a month ago. If i were to bring it up, he would just pull away. also since that was clarified we have had more "real" conversations... at first it was just flirty and sexual.. now we actually talk about legit things. we are able to talk about personal things, and what we think about stuff going on in our lives.. and i feel like we can trust each other with what we talk about. hes already sent me 3 texts today and i still havent responded, but i feel like thats rude. I know I should probably just tell him, but i know that if i gave him that ultimatum it would put pressure on him and I myself, cant handle pressure to be with someone. so if i were to bring it up somehow, I would have to think of a way to do it with out him feel pressured.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 12:22 PM   #7
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

I used to date a guy for about a year and a half. After all that time, he broke up with me. He said he didn't want to be in a relationship with me because he just didn't feel it. He said he liked me and he enjoyed the convenience of someone to have sex with, but he wasn't feeling it.

Literally 2 days later, he called me and asked if we could go somewhere together. Fast forward a few months, he asked me to move some of my stuff in, he wanted me to spend every single weekend with him, he took me to family events, I went everywhere with him. Finally, after another year of this, I asked him what our status was. Guess what he said??!! He said "I already told you, I don't want a relationship with you. Nothing's changed." You better believe I was blown away because what had we been doing for the past 2+ years??!!

If a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship, believe him. He may still want to hang out with you, talk to you and especially sleep with you, but in his mind he already told you what's up and if you don't "get" it, he figures that's YOUR fault because he already told you! He still comes around because you supply him with what he wants. It's the whole "cow-milk" scenario. He's getting milk from you without "buying the cow" so to speak, and of course he likes it because he can get what he wants without actually having to commit to you. If that's fine with you, then it's fine, but don't go developing feelings for him or hoping he'll change his mind because there's a very strong possibility he won't. Then where will that leave you?
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Old 03-29-2010, 12:42 PM   #8
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
I used to date a guy for about a year and a half. After all that time, he broke up with me. He said he didn't want to be in a relationship with me because he just didn't feel it. He said he liked me and he enjoyed the convenience of someone to have sex with, but he wasn't feeling it.

Literally 2 days later, he called me and asked if we could go somewhere together. Fast forward a few months, he asked me to move some of my stuff in, he wanted me to spend every single weekend with him, he took me to family events, I went everywhere with him. Finally, after another year of this, I asked him what our status was. Guess what he said??!! He said "I already told you, I don't want a relationship with you. Nothing's changed." You better believe I was blown away because what had we been doing for the past 2+ years??!!

If a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship, believe him. He may still want to hang out with you, talk to you and especially sleep with you, but in his mind he already told you what's up and if you don't "get" it, he figures that's YOUR fault because he already told you! He still comes around because you supply him with what he wants. It's the whole "cow-milk" scenario. He's getting milk from you without "buying the cow" so to speak, and of course he likes it because he can get what he wants without actually having to commit to you. If that's fine with you, then it's fine, but don't go developing feelings for him or hoping he'll change his mind because there's a very strong possibility he won't. Then where will that leave you?
so when you went with him to family events, what did he introduce you as? that is so strange how guys do that... he spent pretty much all his time with you, and you even stayed at his place.. but you werent in a relationship? were y'all affectionate in public? did he express his feelings to you? i mean, how did that even work? i am very intrigued by this.

i'm okay with out labels, i feel like labels put pressure on a relationship and it makes everything complicated because then you feel like you have to act or perform certain behaviors... so as long as i know that the person i am "with" isnt "with" anyone else, i am okay with that. i guess, being on the same page. if that makes sense.. i do know hes not sleeping with anyone else.. i told him from the beginning that if he did mess with others, i would hope he'd respect me enough to let me know so i can take the right precautions. when he came over thursday, i asked him when was the last time and he said with me, so as of now, he has "kept his package clean". we dont sleep together everytime we hang out either.. i would like to think he has some form of feelings for me, despite the fact that he "isnt ready" for a relationship. which is so weird to me because when you are talking to a guy every day, through out the day, sleeping with them, spending time with them.. having legit real conversations... isnt that a relationship?!?! maybe its not a "commitment" but really, that is still a relationship. so thats confusing also.

but THANK YOU so much for replying with that Red... it has really put a good perspective on this.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 12:47 PM   #9
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

Red is 100% on the money. Don't wait around for him to change his mind about you because it's a pointless waste of time when you could have been out there finding a guy who DOES want to commit to you.

I've been where you're at and it totally sucks. This guy and I were really close friends, we'd spend hours on the phone talking about deep subjects, we started spendijg tons of weekends together, I even had him at my parents house for Christmas one year! I thought we were getting closer and thought if I was patient enough that he'd come around. NOPE! Friends with benefits is a crappy situation when its with a guy you start having relationship feelings for, because REGARDLESS of all the hours and hours you've spent talking, connecting on what you perceive as a deep level and everything else, HE won't ever see it that way. So you will end up getting hurt if you keep waiting for him to change his mind.

For your own sake, so you don't end up getting hurt, you have to put distance between you and hang out as little as possible. No more all day long and no more overnights! You can go out to dinner or a movie or something but keep it totally casual and no more benefits no matter what! He has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship and if you can't go for that, then you need to protect yourself to make sure you don't get hurt.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 01:07 PM   #10
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

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Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
Red is 100% on the money. Don't wait around for him to change his mind about you because it's a pointless waste of time when you could have been out there finding a guy who DOES want to commit to you.

I've been where you're at and it totally sucks. This guy and I were really close friends, we'd spend hours on the phone talking about deep subjects, we started spendijg tons of weekends together, I even had him at my parents house for Christmas one year! I thought we were getting closer and thought if I was patient enough that he'd come around. NOPE! Friends with benefits is a crappy situation when its with a guy you start having relationship feelings for, because REGARDLESS of all the hours and hours you've spent talking, connecting on what you perceive as a deep level and everything else, HE won't ever see it that way. So you will end up getting hurt if you keep waiting for him to change his mind.

For your own sake, so you don't end up getting hurt, you have to put distance between you and hang out as little as possible. No more all day long and no more overnights! You can go out to dinner or a movie or something but keep it totally casual and no more benefits no matter what! He has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship and if you can't go for that, then you need to protect yourself to make sure you don't get hurt.
Thank you I've never been in this kind of situation so it seems to be very complicated. How do you suggest I put distance between us without having to TELL him anything? I dont want to "talk" about it, and I would still like to remain friends once I have been able to move forward.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 01:41 PM   #11
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

He likes it when you play "hard to get." When you make yourself too available to him, he freaks out and backs off. When you're not responsive, he wants you. Classic.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 01:49 PM   #12
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

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Originally Posted by caberg View Post
He likes it when you play "hard to get." When you make yourself too available to him, he freaks out and backs off. When you're not responsive, he wants you. Classic.
you're a guy, what do you suggest?

 
Old 03-29-2010, 02:24 PM   #13
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

I basically lived with a guy for a few months who did tell me straight off the bat that he doesn't "believe in relationships" and that he "wasn't looking for his other half." We did everything together and had sex and everything else, so I had to keep reminding myself that we weren't "in a relationship." I finally figured out that we were a couple basically and the only reason he wouldn't admit it had to have been so he could be available to sleep with whoever he wanted. So I ended up sleeping with someone else first and he cried his eyes out even though he knew it was his doing..

Anyway, I felt really used after that experience. It really hurt my self-esteem too, because I felt like he didn't think I was good enough to just be with me. I felt like if he met someone else, he would give her the relationship title, just not me. That probably isn't the case but I felt like it at the time. I ended up just feeling like I had wasted a lot of time and energy when I could have been looking for a guy who thinks I'm worth it or making new friends. I would never hang out with someone I liked all the time and have sex all the time while he maintained he "didn't do relationships" ever again. Guys that do this are selfish and manipulative in my opinion.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 03:26 PM   #14
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

He DID express his feelings! He said he didn't have those kind toward me! So it was 100% my fault if I "thought" he must have feelings for me because of the amount of time we spent together. But he DID tell me and I just put my hands over my ears and went "LALALALALA" trying not to hear him. He couldn't have been any clearer, I just didn't want to accept it. My fault!

He introduced me by my name. Of course, keep in mind that we did have a relationship (GF/BF) for over a year before he declared he didn't have those feelings for me after all. We went out to dinner, to events, we kissed hello and goodbye, all the usual things. And this was after the breakup. But he'd told me he was not going to be my boyfriend so I should have known.

If a guy tells you that up front, it's usually a pretty good bet that he's already decided you're not "the one". You kind of have to give him points for being honest. If you choose to continue, it has to be with your eyes wide open, without any hope that if you give him everything he wants, or be just so gosh darn terrific, that he'll decide some day he does want you to be his girlfriend. Because there's a good chance that he won't. Nothing wrong with you, he just isn't feeling the "girlfriend" vibe with you.
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Last edited by Redneon82; 03-29-2010 at 03:32 PM.

 
Old 03-29-2010, 06:41 PM   #15
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Re: over analyzing.. CONFUSED.

Quote:
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But
If a guy tells you that up front, it's usually a pretty good bet that he's already decided you're not "the one". You kind of have to give him points for being honest. If you choose to continue, it has to be with your eyes wide open, without any hope that if you give him everything he wants, or be just so gosh darn terrific, that he'll decide some day he does want you to be his girlfriend. Because there's a good chance that he won't. Nothing wrong with you, he just isn't feeling the "girlfriend" vibe with you.
I do give him respect for telling me up front he wasn't looking for a relationship, he just made it seem like it was because he was confused. he was still upset about his previous break up. but because he was straight up honest I wasn't mad. I mean it takes a good charactered person to be able to tell you that instead of just ignoring you or leading you on. I guess it would just be easier if he said that then left me alone, or from
then on acted like just my friend. he's never been rude or disrespected me and he's geneuwinely (sp?) cared about my feelings. I don't know what I would even say as to why I don't want him to text me all the time. I don't want to be rude & like I said before I would like us to be friends & I CAN just be his friend if he ACTED like just my friend. when I don't reply to his texts he will then start a Word game (it's a game on the iPhone where iPhone users can play against each other) and he knows I love that game so it's like ok she isn't replying to my text so I'm going to start a game that she loves to play. he did that not even 20 mins ago, I haven't responded to his last 2 messages & then he requested to start a new Word game. nobody likes to feel like they are being ignored but when I text someone & don't get a response I leave it be. he's only not responded to my messages a few times but when he does I don't send another one.

that's so strange though Red, how a guy can spend so much time and behave in such a way around another but just not have those feelings. it can really throw a person out of a loop when they thought things were one way & find out it was the total opposite. I'm sorry you had to go through that

until I know how to approach this with him I guess I'm just going to continue not responding to his pointless text messages, he will ask me in a few days why I've been distant, he's already done that when I tried to pull away before. maybe it won't come off so "agressive" if he asks me vs me just coming up with it out of no where. it will give me time to recollect my thoughts as well.

 
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