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Old 03-29-2010, 08:55 PM   #1
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Question Why Can't I just Appreciate Him

I've been in the same relationship for nearly six years. The relationship began when I was very young, 14. I am now 19, soon to be 20. I broke up with him once for five months because things had gone badly. My boyfriend and I were fine for 5 years until I began growing up and realizing that we had been a very jealous couple and controlled each others relationships with the opposite sex and lives all together. He had become very manipulative emotionally and very over dramatic about small problems. Nothing could ever be solved easy even if it was over long before he wanted to accept it. I felt like he was always very dramatic about nothing and I am a very calm person. I felt there was no genuine happiness in the relationship, he never tried to entertain me, but was all for impressing the rest of the world. If someone made him mad he wouldnt show them how he felt in order to hold a good reputation instead he'd take it out on me. I was 18 and we did absolutely nothing fun anymore. We only ever hung out with his friends because I had lost mine along the way ....because I sacrificed them for him. In the beginning we had been very hormonal because he was my first kiss and everything else. I was perfectly content with him. Later I felt like I was growing out of that and I felt like I didn't want a physical relationship with someone who emotionally did not care to please me.There were always positive things about him too. He had always held doors open for me and always carried things, he paid for me on dates and drove most everywhere we went, but are these really the things that should make me stick around? I wasn't convinced. Soon I began college and needed help with my work. The whole time we had been together I had been there for his band every second of the way. I had skipped school to see his band, stayed up late nights, carried his heavy equipment taken all their live and promotional shots and worked their merch table along with designed some of it. I did everything I could and always did it with a smile on my face never caring that I never was told thank you. In college I needed help with my photography, he was not willing. He would get up and help me and groan and complain one hundred percent. he wanted me to always spend my time with him when my college work was more important, but he didnt care if he helped me or if i got it done. he still wanted physical attention and was still failing to give me anything emotionally. I felt very unappreciated. I knew I was loved or was I? Does he really know that the strong emotion he feels is love? In my second semester I was done, I told him I needed a break even though I should have told him it was over. We were on a break for one week and he treated it like nothing. He acted as if we were still together, he bothered me constantly and gave me no space to figure out what I wanted so I told him it was over. We were broken up for five months and I filled the void with a guy I met. We dated for a few months and got along pretty well though I figured out soon enough that he wasn't the guy I wanted a future with. I broke up with him. I immediately went back to my ex and he took me back in a heart beat. I feel now that I may have not given that any thought and that a lot of my actions are based on the fact I may be scared to be alone. He has worked very hard to be the guy I asked of him before that he had always refused to be. He tries so hard to be sweet, but it just doesnt feel real. He actually listens to what I have to say and how I feel about things and has backed off of me physically, but something still doesnt feel right. I knew I had missed him all along but is it because I love him as a partner or as a person I grew up with so closely? To so many people we seem perfect and to him I seem like the love of his life and to me it doesn't feel right and I dont understand why. To me, I feel like im too young to so quickly devote my entire life to him. How can I have issues being alone and commitment issues at the same time? Does my heart not love him and my mind know im safe? I just want to understand how I feel. I can be attracted to other guys, other guys that are sweet by nature and not by the force of their girlfriend. The whole world loves him, loves us, but do I? Is it okay that I feel this way? Will it go away? I feel wrong.

 
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Old 03-29-2010, 09:45 PM   #2
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Re: Why Can't I just Appreciate Him

You were a child when this relationship started. You are an adult now. You have outgrown it, outgrown him. How many people marry and live happily ever after with the very first boy they ever dated, when they started dating him at 14? Do you think any 14 year old is qualified to choose a life partner, the person he or she will be with forever and ever?

I don't believe you should be with anyone out of duty or obligation or fear, or because it looks good to everyone else. You HAVE to do what's right for you. There is no law that says you HAVE to love him forever.

I think you probably are afraid to be alone, again, a very bad reason to stay with someone. But you haven't been on your own since you were 14, so really, you've NEVER been on your own. You went right from him to another guy, then right back to him, without just being on your own for a while. It would be good for you to be on your own for a while. To get to really know yourself, to get to know who you are outside the confines of a relationship. Just who YOU are, and what you want out of life and love.

this guy doesn't make you happy anymore, and you are still young, but you won't be forever. Life is too short to spend this much of it this unhappy. Think about it.

 
Old 03-30-2010, 12:27 AM   #3
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Re: Why Can't I just Appreciate Him

After being with him for 1/3 of your life, he's familiar to you. It's not that you're in love with the soul inside, it's that you're comfortable in the relationship because you know what to expect. People often cling to the familiar, the known.

You're not the same person you were at 14 (hopefully) and neither is he. Some couples grow up and discover the lives they want are incompatible.

If his behavior remains consistent, then the answer is "no, it will not go away." You won't magically become happy. Something has to change. Either the dude or the attitude, one of them must go.

I advise you to go with your instinct. It's never wrong if you're clearly tapping into it. Do not factor anything into your decision except yourself. Who cares what 'the world' thinks? They're not the ones who have to date him and listen to this guy whine and gripe.

Don't fret if you can't come to a conclusion immediately. Once you realize what your life ambitions and partner standards are, (usually easier to do if you're singe, when your mind isn't biased or blinded by love-struck) your next move will become clear.

 
Old 03-30-2010, 12:56 AM   #4
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Re: Why Can't I just Appreciate Him

You will never know who you are or what you want unless and until you live alone, by yourself and not jump into yet another relationship to fill the void. Just take the time to be alone. Get to know yourself and when you love and care for yourself then you will meet someone that meets you needs...but you will also know it doesn't matter if that right guy doesn't come along because you will be strong enough not to stress over it...learn to be complete without a male in your life. For now stop all your relationships and stop living with any males. Take a year off of any serious anything but get to know you. And whatever you do stop thinking that every guy you date is forever just do casual dating without expectations. At least give it a try you will be surprised what you might discover...good luck.

 
Old 03-30-2010, 07:58 AM   #5
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Re: Why Can't I just Appreciate Him

you can't appreciate him because you know that you're settling......

 
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