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Old 03-30-2010, 02:26 AM   #1
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Child custody in abusive relationship.

Dear All,

I really need an advice regarding my situation. I am and Divorced Indian women with 9yr old child.I have been divorced for 3yrsnow. Was married for 8 yrs with an Indian in a very controlling and abusive relationship.My divorce happened in San diego. Since my culture is very conservative, It took me a looong time to come out... Finally I am glad I had the courage to tell him I did not want to live with him, and then he filled for an divorce. He wanted to have an 50% custody of the child which I did not agree to and I was given primary physical custody , with some days in betwwen to him. Slowly he moved near a her school where I was working and asked me if he can walk her to school some times as he lives so closeby, for which I said no , but eventually he would do it any way , during that time I had to work very hard to pay my rent , and some times I had to workin the weekends. Bieng from India I hardly knew lot of people to depend on, he said he could watch her sometimes whenI was working on saturdays....Couple of times after that he filed papers in the court that he is soending more time with my daughter, which she is beneficial for her and his cutody should be increased. My ex husband is very manipulative, and had all kind of evidence showing that he is being a good father. At the same time he knew that I was dating a guy from San Jose, who has a bussiness there and a house there through my daughter. After 2yrs of Long distance relationship, when things got very serious , I was time for one of us to move, and If he were to move to San Diego ,he had to loose his house and bussiness. I could easily move coz I had a small job and was getting bettr oppurtunuties in Bay area. The only problem was I did not want to leave my daughter with my ex. As soon as my ex heard that I am planning to move , he filed more papres(without my knowledge) saying that In case I move, he should be the primary custody of the daughter, because the schools are good here she has more freinds here and with all other reasons. I was summer break for my child when I moved, and In spite of talking and explaing to him ,and making good arrangements for my daughter to see him after I move, I got some court papers saying that there is mediationdate and court date I need to attend. In the mediation, all though I mentioned anout the anger issue of my ex, and his abusive behaviour,(police were called once) The mediator inclined to give him The Pimary custodial parent, if I move out ofSan diego. I was left with 2 choices, Live in San Diego and let my ex control my life through my daughter, or move out of San diego start a freshlife with a nice man and fight for my daughter, I choose the 2nd one. I hired a lawyer from san Diego and treid to work with him as much as possible to convince the judge that its better for my Daughter to live in San Jose with visitations to hid dad and tha Iam going to pay for thevisits etc.But the judge ultimately adopted the mediators report and gave Primary custody to the ex.My daughter visits me once in 2weeks and in holidays. I was very disappointed coz I thought the court takes domestic violence seriosly, Some times when I am talking to my daughter I hear him yelling at het and it really bothers me what thelittle one is going through especially knowing what I have gone through for 8yrs.She loves her dad and is very protective towards him. My concerns are his anger issues and past domestic violence. I feel guilty and angry at the same time that all though I came out, Thecourt still gave him the custody. When ever I listen to DV case In TV I get concernrd about my daughter. Can any body has any advice or help for my situation???Iam not from this country so I dont know the law here very well, but Iam concernrd about my daughter.

 
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Old 03-30-2010, 11:35 AM   #2
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Re: Child custody in abusive relationship.

I wouldn't have moved. I can't imagine choosing a man over my child. But what's done is done. The only way would be to prove your ex to be an unfit parent...which can be difficult. I suggest you call a domestic violence hotline and ask about legal services for your situation.
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Old 03-30-2010, 02:06 PM   #3
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Re: Child custody in abusive relationship.

Your lawyer sounds like a bum. Simply moving is not a reason to modify a custody order in favor of the parent who is not moving.

That said, you should have waited to move until after getting permission from the court. Assuming the time to appeal has run (usually 30 days), then you're stuck with again trying to modify the custody order back to your favor, which is harder to do than keeping it unmodified in the first place.

 
Old 03-30-2010, 03:00 PM   #4
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Re: Child custody in abusive relationship.

If it was for man over a child, I would not have come out of the abusive relationship in the first place. Its very difficult to be a single parent , from a different country and when there are very few people to even understand what you are going through....No one to leave the child with, struggling with job after staying as an house wife for 8yrs..and being dragged to court every now and then for reducing spousal support!!!. abd then bieng manipulated on every occasion and getting still controlled by him , so I could not go ahead live a peacefull life. Its not that I choosed a man over my child whomI dearly love, I just wanted to breaK that cycle of his control over my life, using the only means he has. I agree that I should have waited for the court order before the move,but my circumstances was such that the company that I was working was closed, I had good interwiew @ bay area and oppurtunities looked more promising as well as it was summer break, and I had atalk with him before I moved and made an arrangement for which he agreed( My foolishness to trust him) . Only after I moved That I got all these papers for court. Any ways thank you for your inputs life teaches us lessons in different ways.. all these events have made me a very strong person and positive person.I have my faith that my daughter will be with me very soon.Thank You.

 
Old 03-31-2010, 11:21 AM   #5
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Re: Child custody in abusive relationship.

All I can advise is to get a good family law lawyer. Hopefully you're new beau has some bucks. Good luck!

 
Old 03-31-2010, 05:24 PM   #6
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Re: Child custody in abusive relationship.

You should have never moved. No man is worth my child. You aren't married to this new guy and you left your life for him? You knew your husband was abusive and you left your daughter with him anyway? If you were really concerned for her, you would not have moved.

On the other side, your husband has every right to have 50% custody. If he was abusive toward you, doesn't mean he would be abusive toward his daughter or that he is a bad father. I don't know the reason why the police were called once, but there are two sides to every story. Unless he had charges against him and plead or was found guilty, the abuse you mention means nothing to the courts. Calling the police does not makes someone guilty.

My advice is to move back if you want shared 50/50 custody of your daughter. It isn't right to uproot her life because you found a new boyfriend. I know this sounds harsh, but the courts are not going to simply rule in your favor just because you are the mother.

Good luck.

 
Old 04-01-2010, 09:07 AM   #7
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Re: Child custody in abusive relationship.

Can you move back? That is what I would do. I'd move back and get a lawyer to try to reverse the court decision back to 50/50 custody.

 
Old 04-01-2010, 10:04 AM   #8
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Re: Child custody in abusive relationship.

Generally, the courts don't like to bounce children back & forth. I think the court probably viewed the situation as, the mother wanted to move away so she lost custody. The courts will see it as a whim on the part of the mother to change her mind whenever she feels like it. Whether that's fair or not, that's how it might look. The courts want children to have stability, and living with the mom, then living with the dad, then suddenly the mom comes back...it will be viewed as disruptive to the child.

I think your only shot is to try to prove in some way that the father's home is not good for the daughter. Except, it didn't work last time, and unless there's some new evidence, I am not sure it will work this time.

I think what's done is done and while I would still try to fight, it may not turn out the way you would like it to. Of course, I sincerely hope that the daughter is not in any danger.
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Old 04-02-2010, 06:12 AM   #9
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Re: Child custody in abusive relationship.

In many 50/50 custody situations, the parents have to stay in the same county as part of the court order. If one of the parents leave the area, then the other parent gets full custody.

 
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