Allowing Ex in daughter's life when he refuses to help
Long story short, my ex and I broke up 2 years ago. He is still NOT over it. We were together for over 13 years and we have a 9 year old together. My ex used to have his own home, car and a wonderful job. He lost his job and everything went downhill. He was never able to get himself together. He would always have something to say to his coworkers and is opinionated to say the very least. He has never went back. He lost his home, car and even filed bankruptcy twice.
I stayed for my daughter, also believing things would get better. It never did. My ex always "hustled" meaning out ripping and running the streets... gambling etc. He has always done that even when he had a "real" job. Well "hustling" has become his main source of income I suppose you can say. He even refers to his stupid self as a "hustler"
This hustling lifestyle has been quite permanent for some time now. It has been this way perhaps 5-6 years. He has no car and no stable home. He lives with his father and simply REFUSES to get a REAL job. My life with him was very frustrating... His "income" was obviously not something consistent NOR dependable. I grew tired of this and I left. It was hell to say the least.
Well fast forward two years... I am engaged to a wonderful man. My ex keeps in touch with my daughter. He calls her every day HOWEVER he refuses TO PAY and HELP WITH RAISING OUR CHILD. I have asked him numerous times to help and he says the only way he will is if we BOTH SIT DOWN AND DISCUSS MATTERS ABOUT OUR DAUGHTER. I have done this before and it has turned awful! All he wants to do is vent about how I did him wrong, how I used him, how he has done all this for me and I had the audacity to leave blah blah blah... I used him, I am a whor*, I am a professional, etc All he does is discuss stupid stuff that does not pertain whatsoever to our daughter. Also he calls to ask her about my fiancee - what he looks like, height, what he does for a living, etc. He speaks to our daughter not to ask about HER but to interrogate her about matters that he can use to start a fight with me. for instance, my fiancee's oldest son lives with us. He went thru a nasty divorce so he has been staying for a month now. Well my ex asked my daughter who all lived with us and she simply told him that my fiancee's son lives with us. He proceeds to ask her HOW OLD this son was and my daughter tells him he was 29. My ex blows up my phone demanding why there is a grown man staying at the house, he could be a molestor/predator, how could i put my daughter in harms way blah blah blah... stupid stuff basically
He is quick to start drama yet he wont do anything for her! He wont help pay with daycare, he has not provided any money/gifts for Christmas, he has not even called to make arrangements to see his daughter! The only way he gets to see her is if I drive down there to drop our daughter off and then pick her up. I would not mind doing this if he PAID CHILD SUPPORT!
He does call her everyday but he does not have engaging conversations with her. Its the same old questions... how was school? our daughter will say it was "fine" then he says "well I love you" and thats it! He does not even have his own phone! He has to use somebody elses to get in touch with our daughter!
What upsets me is... my daughter was playing and picking him my now fiancee and things got a little too far. He told her to stop and that he was going to pop her if she kept on. He was joking when he said this and my daughter knew it too but she responded with "you cant pop me, you are not my mom or my dad" --whether it was a joke or not, I stopped her and told her that was beside the point.He was an adult and that she was to address him with respect. Later on, I spoke to my daughter and I again reminded her that she was never to say anything like that to my fiancee... her soon to be step father. I also reminded her that he is a wonderful person who provides for us. My daughter tells me that her dad (my ex) has told her my fiancee is BAD and that she does not need to pay him any attention. I told her that was ridiculous.
I also found out that my ex has even told my daughter NEVER to hug my fiancee. She likes him a lot and she really does physically distance herself from him. Its because of my ex and that is absolutely ridiculous. He does not contribute but feels he can say these things to my daughter.
I have put him up for child support and I honestly do not think it will make a difference. I have put him up for child support once and i dropped it because he said he would pay and that putting him up for child support thru court was an insult. I dropped it and he did.... for 2 months. He immediately stopped when he found out I was engaged to another man. I believe he only put forth an effort because he thought we would get back together. I did go back to him before and like I said settled even when he went and stayed down hill.
He has officially decided to be a DEAD BEAT DAD. Never in a million years would I have seen this coming. I have put him up for child support again and my gut feelings (has always been right) tells me that he wont pay and would rather sit in jail. He isnt doing anything NOW! Should I even allow him to talk to my child when a) he does not and refuses to contribute b) all he does is talk bad about my fiancee
I am so sick of him. All he does is bring disappointment. He tells my daughter what she wants to hear. Promises to take her out and never does. She even knows that he is pathetic. Being around my fiancee helps her see what a NORMAL father should do. My fiancee has a 10 year old and he goes above and beyond for HER. He picks her up from school, they have daddy-daughter dates, he buys her everything she needs, he works all the time etc... all the things MY EX WONT do. She sees that and realizes what a bum he is! But she still loves him! One minute she asks me if I still think her daddy loves her and the next minute she does not want to talk him then the next minute she wants to see him... I dont know what to do!!!
Re: Allowing Ex in daughter's life when he refuses to help
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm pregnant with my ex's baby and he is not who I thought he was. He knows but hasn't stepped forward to provide any support, nor do I expect him too. I hope he never does because I really dont want it, nor do I need the interference of him while IM raising MY child. If he ever does rear his ugly little head, I have every intention of pushing him right back out. In my state you cant put the babies father on the birth certificate unless he is there at the time of birth. This is a huge bonus for me. And it's his responsibility to hire a lawyer and file for a paternity test and go after his rights. I dont think he ever will. He is very much in keeping with the "hustler" you have described. In my opinion, he isn't going to go after you for visitation in court. He doesn't visit her anyway. All he does is call. So change your numbers. Worst case scenario is he might show up to your house but I think your new fiance might have a thing or two to say about it. I just don't see these men who have no drive to appropriately provide for themselves by way of a normal job, and their own residence, having any initiative to file "legaly" for any sort of visitation with their child. The guy doesn't even care to support her! He's a player, and my guess is he uses her to "hustle" people. Be it through stories or what have you......but I will bet he uses her just like everyone else. I'd change my numbers, move, and raise my kid myself and leave him wondering just what in the world ever happened to all of you. I feel like it's hard enough to raise a child without the bad influence of an inept parent. But that's just my opinion. Good luck to you!
Re: Allowing Ex in daughter's life when he refuses to help
My only suggestion is to stop putting your daughter in the middle. I know your ex does this more than you, but when you respond to the things that your daughter says he told her by saying "it's ridiculous" you're still placing her in the middle.
I would say something like this: "That's how your father feels but he isn't you. You should do what makes you comfortable. If you like (fiances name here) and you want to hug him, then you should. If you aren't comfortable hugging him, then you shouldn't. Either way, we both love you very much."
In other words, make it about her, not about your ex. Reinforce that what she thinks matters, without putting any emphasis on what your ex thinks or says. Kids are smart. She'll figure his game out, if she hasn't already, and will automatically start limiting what she tells your ex about you and your fiance in order to keep from getting put in the middle. By sounding calm and not attacking your ex, you will keep from adding to her stress and will make her more comfortable talking to you about things that might bother her about her father.