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Old 04-02-2010, 08:20 AM   #1
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I lied. I'm willing to work on myself, is it pointless or no?

Hey, first of all, girlfriend left me because i lied and i broke a promise. She asked me to never talk about our relationship problems to other people. After some word fight i couldn't calm down (in the inside) and i had to talk to someone, ask for advice or their experience.
I found a person to talk to and i didn't let her know about it.

This might sound like my defense. Talking really helped me. I understood and learned alot. Many problems, which i had in my head, were dealt with.
Seemed the relationship was working out much better with each talking out i did.

Recently she found out about this (i accidently mentioned and then the confrontation started and i didn't want to lie so i told). I was, however, denying talking about details, i said i was talking about my issues. But she cracked me and i admited i lied (tbh, when i was denying, i actually thought i wasn't lying).

She told me, she caught me lieing few times before, but didn't tell. I DID feel her trust was quite low, but i couldn't understand why.

I had an issue with trusting her, and she poited this out to me. I promised to work on my trust levels. When i felt this feeling (what i witnessed, didn't tick with what she said), i was just telling myself to stop. Telling myself in my mind that i have the trust issue and thats why i feel so.

When she left me, i got some time to think about myself, and i did come to conclusion that i did lie quite often, not only to her, but myself too. I believed in my own lies.

I think i tend to make these little and big lies automaticaly, very often, i might not even notice myself when i do that. [I honestly doubt myself now if everything what i wrote here was honest. I have read few times, seems ok, but i'm not confident]

This was first relationship. Also i'm fully in love with her. I want to try and become a honest person. I would love to get some advise on what is the first step in doing so, what is next?

At this point, she doesn't trust me at all. My every word can be turned into "you are probably lieing".
Now i asked something, something i have forgot about as it was long ago and i couldn't remember the answer, she returned with(not exact words) "so you lied to me saying that you trust me".

Is it possible that she would start trusting me if i worked on my honesty, and become honest? How do i prove that i became honest and trustworthy?

Some people might say maybe she did lie to me in those situations where i was getting the feeling, but at this point i don't care, my goal is to become honest. Thanks

 
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Old 04-02-2010, 08:50 AM   #2
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to wok on myself, is it pointless or no?

Trust is the foundation of a relationship. If neither of you can trust the other, your relationship is doomed.

 
Old 04-02-2010, 09:52 AM   #3
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to wok on myself, is it pointless or no?

Yes, i understand that, thats why i want to work on my honesty. I know that trust can be gained over time, just like distrust. Just don't know how.

I still have hope. I do believe i can change to the better side

Last edited by dandis; 04-02-2010 at 09:53 AM.

 
Old 04-02-2010, 10:48 AM   #4
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to wok on myself, is it pointless or no?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dandis View Post
Yes, i understand that, thats why i want to work on my honesty. I know that trust can be gained over time, just like distrust. Just don't know how.

I still have hope. I do believe i can change to the better side
You don't know how to NOT lie? That seems strange...

You don't lie by not telling lies! Seems pretty simple to me.

Why do you lie? Do you lie because you're trying to get out of something, do you lie because you think it sounds better than the truth, are you trying to make yourself look better, are you trying to hide stuff, are you trying to keep her from getting mad at you? Because I can tell you, if you lie because you think the truth will make your GF mad, she'll be twice as mad...for whatever it is you did, and for lying to her about it.
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Old 04-02-2010, 11:42 AM   #5
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to wok on myself, is it pointless or no?

Yes, it might sound weird, but i can not always catch myself when i lie. I often just don't even notice when i make a lie.

One thing i remember, i might lie when i do a revenge. I revenge when she did something i didn't like and i knew she did not undertand how i felt. I tried dropping this revenge habit, and i think it was almost a success. I still did it when i snaped or how to say. Lie could be used to get me out of trouble and make her feel the way i felt, so she would understand.

Another. I might say i'm ok when i'm actually not, just for the reason not to spil her mood. So i also use masks and pretend like i'm happy when i have mood swing.

I do not like conflicts, yes. I tend to think i might lie when i get into defensive mode.

I can sometimes take a blame on myself, even tho i think she wasn't right about something.

at this moment I don't know what other reasons can there be

 
Old 04-02-2010, 11:56 AM   #6
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to wok on myself, is it pointless or no?

Well you can't become "honest" just to get her back. You have to want ot do it reguardless of whether or not she wants you to be a part of her life. Alot of women, once they walk away, they are done. And there are way too many problems here for me to address. I will say, that your situation is way to similar to what many of us women find out there. You seriously need to work on this "revenge" thing you mention. Love is honest, never painful or cruel. Why would you want to hurt someome you love? The truth is you dont love, you just control. And you control because you know your week, which is the same reason you lie. Your afraid if your honest, there isn't anything special there. The fact is, as long as you lie, there isn't any reason to give you a second look. You need to get that in check before you could ever dream of being a competent significant other to ANYBODY. Not just this woman.

 
Old 04-02-2010, 12:22 PM   #7
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to wok on myself, is it pointless or no?

I might accidently hurt a person because of my stupidity or poor communication, but i will not want to hurt a person on purpose if he hasn't done anything bad to me.
I do understand that revenge is a way of making another person feel the way i feel. But i also understand there should be other ways to tell that to a person, without a revenge. I have been working on this part (not yet perfect of course, but progressed)

I don't feel ok when someone hurt me and i see they think that what they did is just fine.

Quote:
The fact is, as long as you lie, there isn't any reason to give you a second look
Yes, thats why i'm here. I have hope that someone with some knowledge will come and share with me, maybe there are some self therapies or something which would help me identify when am i being honest, with myself and other people, and when is it a lie waiting to come out of my mouth

 
Old 04-02-2010, 12:42 PM   #8
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to wok on myself, is it pointless or no?

I think you're a compulsive liar, and you can (and should) seek professional help for it.

A few years ago, I worked with a man who was a compulsive liar. He literally lied out of habit, even about stupid stuff (what he had for dinner the night before, the route he took to work, conversations he'd had with others). He truly didn't know why or really how the web of lies would become created, but at the end of the day, most of what came out of his mouth wasn't true.

Most people know and instantly feel guilty as soon as they start to lie. Compulsive and pathological liars have something else going on.

A psychiatrist and medication can help you. It certainly helped my friend.

 
Old 04-02-2010, 12:58 PM   #9
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to wok on myself, is it pointless or no?

i don't know, i kinda thought your gf sounds a little unstable with all this. Are you lying about major things, or are these just little white lies that we all tell to make our partner feel better, or to not start trouble, or to not blow tiny little things into big issues? THe whole "you can't talk about our relationship to anyone else" thing is a little extreme, what you talk about with your friends is pretty much your business, and might help her in the long run if you can blow off some steam and sort things out with the help of someone listening to you. But, if you truly are a compulsive liar and lie about everything, big and small, then it is understandable that she would not have much trust for you.

 
Old 04-02-2010, 01:29 PM   #10
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to wok on myself, is it pointless or no?

No, i do not think i'm compulsive liar. Unless there are some light versions of it?
Because i do not lie about every thing. If i get asked where was i and what did i do, i can tell everything in a smallest details including time stamps (that is if i remember of course).

I tend to pretend like nothing happened = using mask, and thats same as lieing, isn't it?
Yes, i did some white lies, but i rarely needed to.

What i know for sure, is that i lie about me being ok, while in reality i am not (i say ok, but inside i'm upset or even furious - this can sometimes lead to revenge[my observations]) Often by determining when i feel the need to do a revenge i was able to stop myself - this is what i called "worked on it".

At this point i lean more towards the lie to avoid problems. As i said, when my selfdefence turns on i might start lieing. I believe this is when i can't notice.

ok heres one situation. On friday, i tell her i will need to go out on monday. On saturday we had a fight, where she got upset on me pretty much for no reason[my view] as she completely misunderstood me. On sunday i was pretending like nothing happened and she was grumpy, so i decide not to remind her about my trip. Well that was the start of revenge. I was almost sure she will forget, however i did have a thought she might remember by herself. So i was gone most day of monday, and she gets totaly mad on me accusing me for not letting her know. So then i remind her of our friday talk and she appologises to me.
I just told her i was expecting her to remember by herself, but i didn't mention that i didn't remind her on purpose.

I know it's cruel, but then it felt really unfair for her to get mad on me on saturday just because she misunderstood me and she couldn't admit it.
I'm not saying i did the good thing, but i couldn't control my need for revenge then and so it happend.

 
Old 04-02-2010, 06:20 PM   #11
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to wok on myself, is it pointless or no?

Is this a bunch of theatrics for some bizzare self serving purpose here? I mean, you first say you lie all the time, about everything. Then you say only the little stuff. Then you say only about how you feel. You also say you want to work on this to get your gf back. Then you say how unfair she is to get upset with you. You said that you lie so much you cant even tell when you are doing it. Then you make it sound like you dont really lie, you just bottle up your feelings. You get revenge, but you would never hurt anyone. HUH? Did I miss something? Either you are lying now or you are looking for someone to tell you that your okey dokey and there isn't anything wrong with you. Now if it's the first....you really need to see a professional about that. If it's the second, why did you lie about your lies just to get attention? Again, you may need some help with that. Good luck to you.
Melissa

 
Old 04-02-2010, 06:48 PM   #12
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to wok on myself, is it pointless or no?

Justmel, he's a liar... Duhhhhh!! LOL.

Sorry dandis, you brought that upon yourself!!!

I think you could change if you really want to. But as far as the relationship your talking about, it's done. And if it isn't done, it's going to be hell. She won't ever trust fully trust you. And when you think she has, you guys well have a minor fight and throw it all in your face. This has happened multiple times with my brother where I have to tell him to break up with his gf because she does not deserve the lying and the cheating. So I would say forget about the current girl- you have hurt her beyond belief. But yea, you need to work on yourself for future gfs.

 
Old 04-02-2010, 11:15 PM   #13
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to work on myself, is it pointless or no?

Hello justmel30,
ok first of all, the way i understand "self serving purpose", you are right, i'm here to get some knowledge which will serve for me, which might help me. I am here because i want to change myself.

second thing, i have re-read my every post, but i have not found myself saying "lie all the time, about everything", so maybe you have misunderstood me?

You mention "little stuff". I don't quite understand this tho, what do you mean? If i lie after/during revenge, is this little or big? If i pretend like nothing happened, is this little or big? Please explain further

Quote:
Then you say how unfair she is to get upset with you
The example was to show, what trigered me to do a revenge. Second point - how i pretended. 3rd point - how i lied.

Quote:
You get revenge, but you would never hurt anyone
Again, plese read my post more carefuly

"I might accidently hurt a person because of my stupidity or poor communication, but i will not want to hurt a person on purpose if he hasn't done anything bad to me."

Key words here would be "hasn't done bad". I will not just come to a random person and out of a blue start accusing him or swearing on him or whatever to hurt him, no.

But all in all, i think
Quote:
Did I miss something?
is the right thought.

Sorry if i sounded offensive, but i do really think you have either skipped alot or you just misunderstood.
I do not seek to get called 'okey dokey', because i already know i'm not.

[edit] One interesting question poped into my head right now. If a person is asked a question, and he avoids it by answering something which might be plausable, but is far from the real main/direct answer, is this considered lie?

Last edited by dandis; 04-02-2010 at 11:19 PM.

 
Old 04-03-2010, 07:52 AM   #14
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to work on myself, is it pointless or no?

i don't think we understand what your meaning of "revenge" is here. If your example of telling your girlfriend that you're going away for a weekend, then you guys have a fight and you don't remind her that you're going is your definition of "revenge", then I think you have a bit of a different understanding of what that is than the rest of us. Lying by omission about little things is different, it's not necessarily malicious, but seeking 'revenge' on someone is. Why would you want to get revenge on someone you love? It doesn't make sense.

Where are you from? I'm wondering if there's a culture thing here that we are unfamiliar with.

 
Old 04-03-2010, 10:50 AM   #15
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Re: I lied. I'm willing to work on myself, is it pointless or no?

To answer your example, yes, that is a lie. If it's not the truth, it's a lie! Why not just say you aren't comfortable answering instead of making up a lie?

You yourself said in one of your posts that you hear yourself lying but can't stop yourself. So yes, that is an issue. Of course, you CAN stop yourself, but I think you're so used to lying that it is a reflex with you.

I know someone like that. He will lie about everything, even stuff that happened when I was there. He will even lie about lying!

And just so you know, if you lie about so-called little things, you can expect your GF to think you lie about everything. I do not trust liars because there's no way to tell what they think is "little" or "big", so therefore I assume everything out of their mouths is a lie.
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