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Old 04-05-2010, 10:56 AM   #1
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Had to learn the hard way

Hi, have been dating this guy on and off for 3 years. I have not seen him for 8 months since he moved to another state and for the past couple of months we were in contact again and once again I hear the same song and dance about how much he loves me and that we are destined to be together, blah, blah..

I'm not a teenager, I am 53 and he was the first relationship I had after being very sick for 10 years (I had lyme disease). He is handsome, charming, extremely intelligent and I fell for him hook line and sinker.

During the relationship I caught him in lies and I knew I should have broken it off with him but I was crazy in love with him plus he knew how to reel me back in.

Anyway, I thought by him moving and living alone that perhaps he learned a bit about relationships and we talked about our past problems and I thought we resolved everything to try to make this relationship work. In fact, he flew to my state just last week, I picked him up at the airport and for the first 24 hours we were really happy.. I was willing to forgive him for all the heartache he gave me in the past and let go..

The following day he took my car to go shopping and he left his e-mails open and I read them. If it were any other guy (like my ex-husband) I would have never read the e-mails but because this guy lied to me in the past, I wanted to confirm that he was telling me the truth this time.

I found out he was still lying to me and when he returned from shopping I calmly confronted him and told him I read his e-mails and that I was really hurt that he lied to me once again. I told him I was not going to kick him out but he could not sleep with me or touch me. He said because I don't trust him (ha, how can I trust a chronic liar?) that he was going back to his state. I said whatever you want.. He called a cab and went to his female friend (or ex-girlfriend's house) which didn't surprise me since his relationship with her caused me many problems.

So this is it. I feel stupid for even believing him again. I feel stupid for thinking that he was going to give up his female friend (who he has known for over 20 years and when he first met her they dated and had a relationship).

So why do I feel so let down? I feel really depressed and I think it's because either I am the eternal romanticist or I am angry at myself. When I knew he was coming here I let myself get so excited as we shared many fantastic times together (not just sex) but going on nature walks, art shows, restaurants, etc. We both had so much in common.. I felt closer to him than any man I ever dated or have known..

A friend of mine told me to google sociopath and I did and sure enough he fit the profile so much... Charming, intelligent, conventional, and a chronic liar who feels no remorse when he inflicts hurt on me or does something wrong.

I guess I am really venting as I let myself get reeled in again.. I don't consider myself to be a stupid person so what is wrong with me? I also don't consider myself to have low self-esteem. I tell many guys to go to h*** without a blink of the eye.


Sunny

 
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Old 04-05-2010, 11:17 AM   #2
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

Are you sure he is estremely intelligent? Maybe simply a little smart, if anything.

A really intelligent or sensible man wouldn't waste another person's life and time and his own that way. That is really stupid.

If he is really intelligent, he will soon regret he lost you (I don't think he will, though), but then it will be too late because you will have moved on very far.

 
Old 04-05-2010, 11:31 AM   #3
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

Yes, he is extremely intelligent as far as knowing about mostly everything, he uses words that I never heard of, he reads books that the average person doesn't read, he is a college graduate, and the list goes on. My older brother is also very intelligent and both of them hold conversations that are way over my head...

But he lacks common sense. And yes, he already contacted me through another way (I have him blocked) so he does regret losing me but this time he has lost me for good as I will have nothing to do with him ever, ever again. This was his last chance to show me that he was being honest with me and he blew that.

He can't let go of this female friend (ex-girlfriend from 21 years ago) though she lives near me. I asked him if he was still in contact with her and he told me no. But when I read his e-mails, they are very much in contact with each other.

I had told him before he came to see me that this ex-girlfriend was a trigger for me and I would not put up with him being in touch with her. I wanted to clear the air totally before seeing him. I know he cares about this other woman as a friend but this other woman loves him like a husband and I want no part of that drama.

Also, he told his female friend that he was going away for a couple of weeks and he lied to her telling her he was visiting a male friend, not me. And I asked him if he told her that he was going to see me and he said yes, another lie.. What is it with these liars? Do they think they will not get caught? Do they think we are stupid? Do they get some sort of sick excitement by lying to see if they will get caught? I don't get it..

Sunny

 
Old 04-05-2010, 11:52 AM   #4
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

sunny I'm so sorry, but it doesn't seem that you're losing much. It will hurt, but you will be able to pick yourself up again and move forward. These sociopaths and narcississts are so charming and believable.....I know, I've run across a few myself. You did nothing wrong at all. You should be so proud of yourself for confronting him and sticking to your guns. Better things are on the horizon. You're way too good for this schmuck.

 
Old 04-05-2010, 11:55 AM   #5
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

Well I cant speak for everyone.....but most of us have been there before. For me it boiled down too I would rather believe that my ex had dealt with their problems because I had allready established a relationship with them and have a common knowledge of them rather then have to actually accept the truth and deal with the pain that they caused me......not to mention what has to come after all of that. You then have to put yourself on the market....yet again.....and try to find somebody else. It's rough. So I wouldnt beat yourself up over this. I would take it as a lesson learned however hard it was to learn it, and move on. Although it sounds like you are doing just that. For certain, I would never go near this guy again. I wouldn't even bother to block the calls, I'd change my number! I would do anything I could to just erase him out of my life........which takes a long time. But then one day you wake up and realize you haven't thought about them in a while, that they werent the first person to pop in your brain when you wake up nor the last one before you fell asleep. Good luck to you.
Melissa

 
Old 04-05-2010, 12:06 PM   #6
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyrise View Post
Also, he told his female friend that he was going away for a couple of weeks and he lied to her telling her he was visiting a male friend, not me. And I asked him if he told her that he was going to see me and he said yes, another lie.. What is it with these liars?
Sunny
It's a good thing you got out of this relationship. The writing is all over the wall. He was playing you AND his female "friend". Well, now he is HER problem! Good ridence.
I'm sorry for your disapointment, it never feels good to have a relationship end, even one you know is bad. But good for you for letting this one go and leaving the door open for the right one.

Last edited by River rocks; 04-05-2010 at 12:07 PM.

 
Old 04-05-2010, 12:20 PM   #7
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

Thanks everyone, it make me feel better to read all your responses. I still feel like a fool for believing him or giving him another chance knowing what I had known all along.. I guess I just loved him too much and yes, I am hurting right now.. And I know in time this pain will pass..

I really believe this guy is a sociopath after doing some research. He is incapable of showning any remorse, can't say he's sorry, etc. He only cares about himself, never in the past year has he asked me how I am dealing with the death of my baby brother.. How insensitive is that?

Oh, as far as the other woman, when I was on his e-mail account I sent her an e-mail letting her know that he was with me, not at his friend's place and I found out that she kicked him out.. That made me feel good.. I probably should not have contacted her but I thought she should know what a liar he is if she didn't know that already..

I have been talking to other men... Just because I'm 53 doesn't mean I'm over the hill! But I'm not ready to go out on a date just yet, I just want to take my time and get to know these guys better before meeting..

P.S.: Pendulum, with all due respect there are many different types of intelligence (book smart, common sense smart, cultural smart, etc.). For some reason I find people who are college smart or book smart have no common sense.. I rather have common sense then be book smart.

 
Old 04-05-2010, 12:32 PM   #8
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

Wow - I was married to this man for 16 years! I totally get where you are at - the feeling of stupidity, of anger, of pain for being the fool. My ex-H never, NEVER would say he was sorry, and looking back, I can see he never felt he was wrong. He would believe what others said before believing me - without even asking me - even when they lied. He had this female friend, who I didn't have a problem with in the beginning because I knew her and knew there was nothing on her part, but when it turned into a secret Internet emotional thing for him, when they started communicating behind my back, and he was using her for support for imagined slights, I left him. It lasted less than a month, and I went back upon his promise that he would end the friendship as it was now inappropriate in my mind. He agreed, saying she didn't want to be his friend anymore anyway. Three days later I started to find e-mails again. (Yeah, even then I didn't leave, just threw a fit.) This went on for another few years, through counseling, etc. etc. Looking back through the years, I can see all the mistakes, all the times I wanted to believe him, etc. But I also see all the heartache and wish I had left the first time I had the chance, and stayed away.

And yes, Pendulum, this man was extremely intelligence, possibly sociopathic, but I believe it was the only way he knew how to conduct a relationship. Know what I know about his childhood, I believe it was learned behavior. Even though he knew on some level it was wrong, he could not help wanting the control, wanting to make me feel inferior so he could feel superior.

You are SO much better off out of this relationship! Take some time for yourself, learn who you are and what you want, and go for it! I did that and now have found my best friend and (if I believed in them) soulmate.

Best wishes, and let me know if you want to talk more. Support can be wonderful between those who have experience the same things!

 
Old 04-05-2010, 04:00 PM   #9
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

Hi BigRed,

Maybe we love too much, I don't know. I'm happy that you are out of this marriage, good for you! This guy wanted to marry me several times but I never wanted to at my age. Good thing I never married him! I really believe this guy is a sociopath... I don't know about your ex..

My ex (feels good to type the EX word), tried to put me down or make me feel inferior and I wouldn't let him which I think frustrated him. He always used to say to me "How does it feel to be so perfect?".. I couldn't believe my ears.. I would respond "How does it feel to be a chronic liar?"...

Anyway, as I was saying, I love too much.. I give a guy my all and the same with all my very good friends.. I was always like that.. I am loyal and loving until that person crosses the line and I have to get fed up enough to finally say goodbye to that person, whether it's this guy or a friend..

I don't know what else to say at this point.. Just that I can't thank everyone enough for their responses as I do feel better.. I almost didn't post but now I am so darn glad I did.. Keeping negative feelings inside is so darn unhealthy..

Sunny

Last edited by Mod-S4; 07-18-2010 at 09:52 PM. Reason: Off-topic portion removed.

 
Old 04-06-2010, 04:41 AM   #10
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

sunny,
i know where you're at.
it's the most painful feeling to feel like you let yourself down or you should have known better or you gave someone too many chances. feeling stupid sucks. i know.
keep pulling yourself together.
you're right, 53 is still young. keep taking care of yourself & putting yourself first.
best best best wishes.

 
Old 04-06-2010, 11:39 AM   #11
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

UGH, my biggest pet peeve in the world is when guys get caught in a lie, and then get mad at you for not trusting them and play the victim!

I'm proud of you. You seem really strong. I'm the type of person that has almost supernatural intuition and I always know when someone's lying etc. Yet, I feel too dependent or "in love" to do something about it. So I will struggle between believing my intuition or his word for years before I finally say enough is enough. I wish I could be more like you, even though I bet you don't FEEL strong at this time. But you are.

Last edited by digmusic; 04-06-2010 at 11:45 AM.

 
Old 04-06-2010, 01:40 PM   #12
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

Hi all,

Rose, I'm so happy for you! You truly deserve to be happy.. Good for you!

Digmusic, my intuition told me after 3 months into the relationship to end it but my feelings took over so I ignored what my gut instincts were telling me. I can still remember saying to myself "don't see this guy ever again" after noticing red flags but I felt so much in love so I ignored or pushed away my gut instincts. I guess I was hoping that I would be wrong about this guy but in the end I wasn't.

And I don't feel very strong right now.. I feel sad.. Sometimes reality stinks! And please don't worry that your BF is a Scorpio, hey, I'm a "good" Scorp.. I used to be into astrology many years ago and I remember that I had read there are 3 kinds of Scorpio's ranging from really bad to really good. Don't know if I really believe all that though.. I also read that no one is just one sign but a combination of signs.. I had my chart done when I was in my 20's and I am mostly water..

I don't think my EX-boyfriend's sign has anything to do with being a chronic liar and a manipulator.. Most Scorps are bluntly honest and he was not. I know I can be blunt to the point where I can hurt people's feelings and I am still working on that (learning how to sugar-coat my words).

This is just a bad week for me as it will be 1 year that my baby brother passed away so that effects me, right now I'm not talking to my mother (my choice) but that's another story... Seems like when it rains it really pours!

And Nobodyknows, yes, it's painful but I have been through pain before and survived... I took a risk and when I'm ready I will take more risks because if I don't I will live in a box which in my eyes is not really living life..

Thanks all!
Sunny

 
Old 06-24-2010, 06:03 AM   #13
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

I am a chronic liar NEWLY DISCOVERD AS of THIS AFTERNOON. mY MAN AND i WERE ARGUING ALL DAY ABOUT ME AND MY LIES. i WAS BEING CONFRONTED FROM MY hUSBAND OF TEN YEARS.(I did not realize my caps were on.) and I kept denying we said its over, we were going our separate ways , and be roommates. I finally accepted it as truth, I had to admit the I have a pathological disorder that is the same as if it was heart disease. I have no memory of my lies. I am searching for ways to fix or at least ways to have better self esteem, and to learn to control what exits my mouth. Anyway, just puttin my perspective out here. I am not out to clearly and deliberately to hurt my spouse. I didn't know what my behavior was and how my dening it caused us to crack. But then I used some of my medicine, and suddenly its as if i clearly can see what is wrong with me.

Peace out,
Jadas

 
Old 07-18-2010, 04:36 PM   #14
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

Well, maybe the old cliche is true, time does heal wounds as I don't miss him as much as I used to. He has e-mailed me but I really gave it to him so he stopped e-mailing me because he knows I can not be manipulated anymore and that I see right through him.

I had to live it in order to learn and that's the bottom line. Looking back I will say the relationship was not a total waste as I did learn much even at my age! If (and yes, I do use the if word) I ever get involved again, at least I am a much wiser lady now. I'm honestly not sure if I want a relationship right now, but there are so many things going on in my life right now that maybe when things settle down, I may rethink this.. And if the "right" guy comes along.. I don't "need" a man as I am pretty happy being alone since I am the loner type (always was).. But one never knows what will happen in the future..

Jadas, I'm sorry you have these problems, perhaps therapy would help? I think the first step is admitting to yourself that you do have a problem which you already did. I wish you the best.

Sunny

 
Old 07-19-2010, 06:14 AM   #15
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Re: Had to learn the hard way

Sunny good to hear from you!
I'm glad you're feeling better about everything, and you're right you don't need a man.....if you find one you want, that's different....LOL
men should complement our lives, not complicate them!

 
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