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Old 04-05-2010, 11:46 AM   #1
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Infidelity Polygraph Tests

I recently found out that my husband had sex with a customer/friend of ours twice at her apartment approx. 1 year ago. I had my suspicions about a year and a half ago because just the way they acted together and everyone noticed it too. Constant flirting, texting, talking in corner. I asked him about it back then and he said no absolutely not....she is just a friend. She started out as a customer then became a friend to him since she also worked at a place we went for drinks and dinner. We started to hang out together but it got to be that whenever we were anywhere she would show up. My husband would immediately go to her as soon as she walked in no matter who he was talking to at the time. This has been going on for the past year and people have made comments about their obsessive flirting which I just blew off as that is just the way they are....no biggie. Well at a Christmas party a few months back someone saw them kiss outside. Not like a make out kiss but a very affectionate one. I was extremely upsent and of course thought right away that my gut feeling a year ago was right. I confronted him and he denied everything in a way to calm attitude. I left for a week and came back and told him I wanted to know everything. He kept denying for the last 2 months. Said I wanted him to take a lie detector and he refused saying that I didn't trust him then. No kidding...really after all I saw the past year and then the kiss....well anyway we started marriage counseling. We went to a few sessions and I kept hearing little things from people hear and there like it has been going on for years but no real evidence that I could bring up. So I told him eiither he fesses up or the marriage is over. Well he finally did...telling me they were drunk...she kissed him and it just happened. But he went back the following week....they started fooling around and he felt guilty about it and couldn't perform so they decided just to remain friends. So if you felt guilty about that why would you keep her coming around for the whole next year and hanging out with all your friends and wife is what I don't get unless it was still going on. So he finally agreed to a infidelity polygraph which is scheduled. He says he has nothing left to hide. Find it very hard to believe. So has anyone had their spouse take one of these and what was the result. I only want to know if they had sex more than twice and if it has actually been going on for 1 + years. I can forgive the 1 1/2 x as he put it since the 2nd time they never actually had sex but if it has been an ongoing affair for over a year then it is over! We have been married for 21 years and this is absolutely devastating to me. Nothing wrong in our marriage as far as I knew. Everybody thought we had the perfect marriage. Joke! I am just hoping I can get the answers I need from this polygraph. Whether it was affair or just the 2 times. Have heard so many rumors that I don't know what to believe. Now I heard something recently that someone saw him up at a bar where we have a cabin more than a few times with a girl. And if he actually had the nerve to take her to our cabin and have sex with her....that will just disgust me and it will be over. Can't live with a cheat and a liar.

Like I said I can forgive a drunken mistake but not the affair. How accurate are these polygraphs if you only ask a few questions? Any info appreciated.

I text this supposed friend of mine and told her he told me about them and she still denies it. I told her in so many very colorful words to stay out of our life.

He says he hasn't talked or seen her since but who knows. That is another question I want to know about.

Help....any advice...info

 
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Old 04-05-2010, 11:48 AM   #2
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

why spend money on a lie detector test?
you already know he cheated......
put that money toward a good lawyer instead.

 
Old 04-05-2010, 01:06 PM   #3
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

Oh man. I don't know...
You already know he cheated and even asked him about your gut feeling. Instead of coming clean he let you live in the misery of doubt and that awful nagging feeling that somethings not right. Its just cruel. He'd be in a much better light if he would have grown a pair and owned up when it happened. It would have at least given you the opportunity to decide what to do then. But nooo, he had to go and hide everything until it got DRAGGED out of him? The only thing that says is that he fessed up only because he HAD to.

If this was me, I honestly don't think a polygraph test would solve the probelm even if he "passes" it. He would have already failed in my eyes. But I can't tell you what you should think or do. Its only how I would feel.

I am very sorry, I know this must be very hard and heartbreaking.

 
Old 04-05-2010, 03:58 PM   #4
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

he already is a cheat and a liar. He only confessed under pressure and probably knowing that people knew. I feel like she wouldn't keep coming around if he had stopped having sex with her. Everything you said about her sounds just like a mistress. Polygraphs can be wrong... if he doesn't confess everything and truly show some remorse, I'd be gone. I am sorry this is happening to you. All this stuff makes me never want to get married.

 
Old 04-05-2010, 04:06 PM   #5
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

I agree with everyone else.. first of all, these tests are not 100% accurate from what I have heard. Secondly, you know he cheated so the real question is are you going to stay with him or leave? Yes, getting a divorce is tough.. Been there, done that.. Very stressful..

Perhaps you need this test to give you some strength? I don't know.. I find strength in the people here.

In any case, we are here for you to support you..

Good luck to you,
Sunny

 
Old 04-06-2010, 05:56 AM   #6
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

Thank you everybody for your advice. The thing that really sucks is that I am still very much in love with him. We have been married 21 years and were together 3 years before that. We basically have grown up together. We have twins, both 18, boy and a girl. They are absolutely devasted that we are going through this. We have always had such a wonderful marriage (or so I thought). He has always been a wonderful father and husband (until this of course). I guess in the back of my mind I really know that it has been an affair but this test will back me up hopefully. I have checked into the testers credentials and he has done many of these before...pretty sad huh. I already put money down on it and it is schedules for next week. I know they are not 100% accurate but the tester (police detective has been doing this for years. He suggested I just ask a few questions and that is when you get the most accurate result. I am just so devastated by this I can not even begin to tell you. To think you thought you knew someone inside and out and to find out you don't even know him at all is awful. It scares me that if we divorce I will never trust anyone again. I trusted him with my life. And this girl pretended to be my friend. Always hugging me and telling me what a trustworthy wife I was. I discussed with her what a great relationship me and my husband had and that I trusted him completely. She was probably laughing to herself. Have gone out with her many times and even slept at her house. It absolutely disgusts me. And she still denies it saying that he is covering for someone else and using her name. What a liar and pig she is. She actually swore on her kids that nothing ever happened. Who does that? She of course is a lot younger. My husband is now 44...she is 30. But if this has been going on for years it is over. I can not live with someone that could do that and then come home to me. We have a lot of friends and they are all shocked by this. Always thought we would be the ones married forever by the way our relationship was. It really makes me sick to my stomach. I can't sleep, eat or even function properly at work. Constantly thinking of them together and laughing the way they alway did together when we were out. He always just said she was a good "buddy", enjoyed her company and that she made him laugh. She is not a close friend of mine and none of my friends liked her from the beginning just by the way they always flirted. She wasn't in our close group of friends but has been coming around for like the past 2 years. I just need to know the truth so I can move on one way of the other. Like I said....I can TRY to forgive a drunken stupid night but not something that has been going on for years. I just feel so confused and lost right now and I hate the way I feel. This is going to change me as a person. Everyone always says I am such a good person willing to help anyone out and trustworthy. I don't want to change into a miserable untrusting ***** toward men now. I really dislike him for what he has done to me as a person. I really hope I never run into her because I don't know what my reaction would be.

 
Old 04-06-2010, 06:52 AM   #7
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

I still say, save your money.....you already know the truth and it's not costing you anything. He's a liar and a cheater, what more do you need to know, really?

 
Old 04-06-2010, 09:48 AM   #8
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

Since he has admitted the affair, have you considered marriage counseling?
There it would be a safe place for you to both talk and you would eventually get the whole truth out of him. Plus, you would be able to get therapy which you both need. I know you want to know the whole truth, and I'm not saying the polygraph is a bad idea, but couseling seems necessary IF you have any hope of staying together.

What answer do you need to get from the polygraph in order to try and make the marriage work?

 
Old 04-06-2010, 11:53 AM   #9
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

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Originally Posted by River rocks View Post
Since he has admitted the affair, have you considered marriage counseling?
There it would be a safe place for you to both talk and you would eventually get the whole truth out of him. Plus, you would be able to get therapy which you both need. I know you want to know the whole truth, and I'm not saying the polygraph is a bad idea, but couseling seems necessary IF you have any hope of staying together.

What answer do you need to get from the polygraph in order to try and make the marriage work?
We have been going to marriage counseling for about a month. Took him a month to finally admit it to me cuz I kept hearing things and I told him either you fess up or the marriage is over so he did. But I think he only told me a little thinking that would satisfy me. But the idea that he kept her around as his "buddy" for over a year after the 2 times happened makes me wonder if it has been going on over a year. That is what the polygraph is for...need to know if he had sex with her more than the 2 x he admitted and if it has been an ongoing relationship for over a year which how it seemed to me and everyone else that saw how they acted together. If it was an actual affair for that long....I am done. It's over. But I can forgive him and try to work it out if it was only the twice he said and that he only wanted to be friends with her. I just don't get why he would want to remain close "buddy's" with someone he said the second time he felt really guilt about and couldn't perform because of the guilt around. Wouldn't you be reminded of that guilt everytime you saw her? Just doesn't make sense. I really think it was an affair and I am hoping the test will give me the answers I need to feel comfortable to make the decision I have a feeling I am going to need to make. I really don't think he will pass but he swears he will but of course he wouldn't say otherwise. Then I kind of wonder if the day before he will change his mind. That will be my answer right there.

 
Old 04-06-2010, 12:52 PM   #10
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

His wanting to remain buddies with her doesn't add up to me either.
If he was so guilt ridden, then he would try and distance himself from her you would think. Something does smell rotten, even more rotten than his alleged "oops I got drunk and had sex with her"..it seems more like what you are suspecting, a long time affair. And affairs can come in all shades even without the actual act of sex. He is too close to her.

IF...and its a big IF, you graciously give him another chance for whatever reason, a huge trust building process will have to take place. And he will HAVE to eliminate her from his life altogether.

I would be so angry if I was married and my husband cheated to begin with, but it only makes the matter worse that he is so selfish as to want to keep her as a "friend" even after the fact. I would already be packed and gone but again I am not you, and only you can decide what is best. I'm wishing you the best no matter what conclusions you come up with. Please keep us posted..

Last edited by River rocks; 04-06-2010 at 12:54 PM.

 
Old 04-06-2010, 01:07 PM   #11
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

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Originally Posted by River rocks View Post
His wanting to remain buddies with her doesn't add up to me either.
If he was so guilt ridden, then he would try and distance himself from her you would think. Something does smell rotten, even more rotten than his alleged "oops I got drunk and had sex with her"..it seems more like what you are suspecting, a long time affair. And affairs can come in all shades even without the actual act of sex. He is too close to her.

IF...and its a big IF, you graciously give him another chance for whatever reason, a huge trust building process will have to take place. And he will HAVE to eliminate her from his life altogether.

I would be so angry if I was married and my husband cheated to begin with, but it only makes the matter worse that he is so selfish as to want to keep her as a "friend" even after the fact. I would already be packed and gone but again I am not you, and only you can decide what is best. I'm wishing you the best no matter what conclusions you come up with. Please keep us posted..
Yeah I think down deep I know the answer and it is sick he would keep her around. We have already established in counseling that he is never to speak, text or have her on his lot ever again. I text her and let her know very well what I thought about her and told her to stay out of our lives and I never wanted to see her again. Of course .....she did nothing wrong. I will keep you posted. Thanks again for all your help cuz I need all I can get right now. This is just killing me inside. I feel like a completely different person.

 
Old 04-06-2010, 01:32 PM   #12
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

lam are you saying that a "little bit" of cheating is ok?
because that's what it sounds like to me.....
he's not trustworthy, you will never be able to feel comfortable with what he tells you, always wondering if it's a lie.....
I wouldn't do it. Trust is broken, the relationship is shattered.....like a broken glass vase.....sure you can glue it back together, but it will never be the same.

 
Old 04-06-2010, 01:51 PM   #13
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

Hi Iam,

I can feel your pain and it's perfectly understandable that you are partially in denial right now (hey, that's normal), and a bit confused about your feelings toward your husband and your future.

You have lived in this safe "world" for so many years and then you find out your world has shattered.. It's not your fault that your husband has been cheating on you. If you were having problems in the bedroom (which I don't know if you were), they could have been worked out...

I think you need to go through the pain right now and only you can decide the what kind of outcome you want.. You really have 2 choices, you can either totally forgive him and stay married to him (but perhaps deep down inside you will remain angry and hurt which will affect the marriage) or you can divorce him which sounds really scary right now..

As far as the girl who he's been cheating with, it's not her fault, if it wasn't her, it probably would have been some other girl.. Personally if I knew a man was married, I would never get involved but that's me.

Hang there in and take one day at a time or 1 hour at a time if need be.. You said you have friends so talk to them.. Cry on their shoulders, do what you need to do to vent your hurt and anger..

And we are here for you..
Sunny

Last edited by sunnyrise; 04-06-2010 at 01:53 PM.

 
Old 04-07-2010, 07:14 AM   #14
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

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Originally Posted by sunnyrise View Post
Hi Iam,

I can feel your pain and it's perfectly understandable that you are partially in denial right now (hey, that's normal), and a bit confused about your feelings toward your husband and your future.

You have lived in this safe "world" for so many years and then you find out your world has shattered.. It's not your fault that your husband has been cheating on you. If you were having problems in the bedroom (which I don't know if you were), they could have been worked out...

I think you need to go through the pain right now and only you can decide the what kind of outcome you want.. You really have 2 choices, you can either totally forgive him and stay married to him (but perhaps deep down inside you will remain angry and hurt which will affect the marriage) or you can divorce him which sounds really scary right now..

As far as the girl who he's been cheating with, it's not her fault, if it wasn't her, it probably would have been some other girl.. Personally if I knew a man was married, I would never get involved but that's me.

Hang there in and take one day at a time or 1 hour at a time if need be.. You said you have friends so talk to them.. Cry on their shoulders, do what you need to do to vent your hurt and anger..

And we are here for you..

Sunny
No problem in the bedroom at all. Like I said everything seemed fine. It was when this girl came into our life that everything went to crap. She is the type of person who pursued him too. I know this because before anything ever happened my husband told me he was out with her and one of her babies daddys at the time one night and when her bf went to the bathroom she put her hand on my husbands and said I wish my bf was just like you. You are so much fun and outgoing where he is boring. My husband told me when he came home that it made him uncomfortable so he should have stayed away from her then but with her being such a great customer and referring everyone to him....she stuck around. I know just by the way she is and the conversations we had about other men she was with. That is no excuse for him to go along though....drunk or not. I think it might have been that mid life crisis issue that men tend to go through. He was feeling depressed about his age and his business wasn't going well and I think she made him feel good about himself with her always happy and bubbly attitude. The fact that she pretended to be my friend this whole time just floors me. What kind of person does that? I had intimate conversations with her about our relationship with her...about our sex life .....about our kids.....about how he was such a good man and I trusted him completely. Makes me sick now to think about all this. Our kids are just devasted by this because they thought we had such a wonderful family life...which we did...very close knit family....but now this. My daughter never liked this girl when she first met her at our cabin. She immediately came out to me and said "Mom..who is that girl?" I said it is one of his good customers and a friend we hang out with. She said "I don't like her and I don't trust her. She is flirting way too much with Dad". I said oh they are just friends. Should have listened to her then. My husband has always been a flirt with women. But that's all I thought that was with her although my friends told me...Laurie...it isn't the same flirting he does with us ....it is so different. Guess I just put blinders on. Well he is taking the polygraph next week. Told him last night if he knows he is going to fail not to waste my money and we can just end it now. He said no that he wants to take it because he knows he will pass. And to answer the question to someone that asked above. No I don't think any cheating is ok...but I can see how someone can make a mistake and regret it afterward. Everybody makes mistakes. But an a year long affair is no mistake and that is what I want to know. 21 years of a marriage is a lot to give up and we have had a wonderful one until now. So I would forgive for a stupid mistake but not an affair so we will see. This girl will never show her face around again. I have a lot of friends and I think she has maybe 2...probably cuz she screws around with all their boyfriends and husbands. I am sure she never wants to run into me or any my friends. I made it very well known the type of person she is and I hope she is very embarrassed and humiliated. But then again...I don't think she even has a conscience. Feel sorry for her kids being brought up by a person like her.

 
Old 04-07-2010, 08:47 AM   #15
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Re: Infidelity Polygraph Tests

Iam,

I admire your strength and logic during this time. Honestly, I do not know that I would be able to hold it together. It is so easy for us, the outsiders here looking in on this board trying to give advice to just say "leave the jerk". But we are not in your shoes. And, even though I have always assumed that I would leave a man who cheated on me, I can't say for certain that a marriage can't be fixed. What I admire is that you want to get to the truth of the matter and then make a decision. If he truly did make a mistake in which he regrets and it was very brief, and if he is willing to do the hard work to earn your trust back, and you value your marriage (21 years is nothing to sneeze at) enough to want to heal it, then my hat is off to you for being way more compassionate and forgiving than most. You sound very reasonable, very logical, and you certainly do not sound like the kind of woman who puts her head in the sand and lives in denial. Instead you are wanting to weigh the facts for what they are and make a decision. Your husband would be ONE LUCKY MAN if you are willing to do this. And if you do end up working on your marriage, (after you know the facts) I sure hope your husband wakes up to how close he was to losing you, losing the respect of your family and friends, and begins to treat you like you deserve, be as open as a book, and realize he almost lost the best thing that ever happened to him.
I really honestly hope you find out what you are hoping to find. Of course now that we here on the board know about the upcoming polygraph I hope you come back and post us with the update!

Last edited by River rocks; 04-07-2010 at 08:49 AM.

 
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