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Old 04-06-2010, 12:12 PM   #1
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romance???

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We've had a lot of ups and downs over the years and overall I would say things are OK. I enjoy spending time with him but don't feel as though I'm in love with him. I feel like we've hit the point in our relationship that everything is just comfortable now. I'm in my late 20s and feel like sexually I'm just starting to hit my prime and have lots of burning desires. When I try to be intimate with the hubby he pushes me away alot. Says he's tired, I should have let him know sooner, he has to get up early in the morning, there's just always an excuse. He also doesn't enjoy spending time alone just he and I watching tv, dinner or whatever. He's always wanting to spend time with his tools, hanging out with the neighbors or goes to bed. I've tolerated this for a while, but this has been going on for several months now. I have since started to go out more with the girls or just find some reason to get out. I'm not proud of it, but I have since developed a good friendship with a male who I was introduced to on one of the girls outings. It has been nothing more than just an innocent friendship, we chat a lot, have hung out a several times working on his cars, watched movies and the like. I almost feel like I'm getting from this friend what I'm missing from the hubby. I've confronted the hubby about it but nothing changes. He says we're happy and comfortable why upset what we've got going. What do I do? Does it seem like this marriage is working on its last straw? How do I handle the friend situation and the feeling like I would rather be with him than the hubby?

 
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Old 04-06-2010, 04:56 PM   #2
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Re: romance???

You don't say whether you have children or whether you have a job and money of your own or if you are totally financially dependent on your husband. Your options and how difficult they will be depend on what your situation is.

But if you've been married for six years and are in your late 20s, I'm guessing 26, 27? I would say you got married too early and didn't really understand yourself or what your needs in a husband would be 10, 15 years down the road. There is always some "cooling off" in a marriage or a long term partnership, it's not always going to be like your honeymoon of course, but you should always be a team, listen to each other, understand and try to meet each other's needs and be there for each other. And he's not doing that, and doesn't want to. So where does that leave you? You can't make someone be someone they are not, and don't want to be. The only thing you can do is change your reaction to them.

Things can change, but only if you both want them to change, and your husband doesn't. He's perfectly happy with the way things are, and it doesn't sound like he cares whether you're happy or not. He considers it your problem, so you're the one who's going to have to fix it.

I would suggest a few sessions with a marriage counselor. If hubby won't go with you, then go by yourself. Try a coup;le of them if the first one doesn't feel like a good fit. You need one who will listen, who understands, and "gets" what you are saying and can help you work out your feelings and make a game plan. This male friend is the catalyst, but he by no means should be the reason you separate from your husband if that's what you want to do. But it makes sense that he is showing you what you are missing, what you are wanting and needing, and not getting from your current situation. That doesn't mean you should try to get it all from him, though. A counselor can help you figure out how to tend to your own emotional needs and in that context of being a more well rounded, self actualized person, then you can decide what your next step should be. But it sounds like you're just growing out of this marriage.

 
Old 04-06-2010, 05:59 PM   #3
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Re: romance???

I am 27 and have often thought I did rush into marriage too soon. There was a stage about 2 years into the marriage where I felt like I wanted to go out and experience life that I didn't have a chance to do.

My situation is rather hairy at the moment. We have a 1 year old son and just a couple weeks ago my mother moved in with us. My mother moving in did not affect the situation. Things were rough long before she showed up. I work part time but have potential for going full time to get benefits and hopefully have enough to support myself. Our debt situation scares me if things are over in this marriage. I don't know if I would be able to support myself and take care of my share of the debt. Part of me wants to just hold out until we can clear some of it up and then make my decisions then but who wants to live in that kind of misery???

 
Old 04-06-2010, 07:32 PM   #4
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Re: romance???

So if you had the money, would you leave? It sort of sounds like that is most of what is keeping you there.

I'm not criticizing- I'm in a relationship that if I could afford to move on I probably would. But I can't afford to.

 
Old 04-07-2010, 01:11 AM   #5
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Re: romance???

It's ironic how lots of women search for a man who doesn't have sex as n1 in his head, yet there comes a time when hormones hit woman's head and sex starts to be something greatly desired and then turns out a man can't do it.

My view on love - love is something that needs to be taken care of constantly by both people. I think both have stopped working on it in this situation.
When person starts thinking "maybe i don't love", he's like brainwashing himself and killing the feeling that might still be there.

I do also think he has hormone problems if he's ~30 and has no desire for sex.
And i think he should be able to listen you out and think of compromises of course (maybe he IS ok with you going to other man).

My opinion about swapping hubby for a friend - i would think of it as cheating. Friend is being liked probably because he shows some attention.
Did you ever think you could just masturbate? It's not cheating, and you can get pleasure whenever you wish.

I'm only wondering how would you feel if you have swapped the places with hubby. I mean he would desire sex and affection while you'd have no such thought. Would you be happy if he went to some other woman to get every thing you can't give at the moment?

The weird thing is, marriage ending is based on lack of sex/affection. Maybe my example is out of place, but, it sounds similar to "hey hun, you gained 10kg, i told you about it, but you are not working on it, our marriage is at the risk".

Did you tell him about your friend?
Also, there is interesting detail to think about. Did he change over the 6 years of marriage? Did he stop doing something you used to like?
Did you change? Did you stop doing something he used to like?

Quote:
feel like sexually I'm just starting to hit my prime
How different was the situation before this period?
Quote:
he pushes me away alot
This tells me that he doesn't always reject you and still accepts your "sex invitations" from time to time.
Can it be so that when sex was not desired as much, he was same as he is now and you didn't care about it until now?

 
Old 04-07-2010, 02:34 AM   #6
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Re: romance???

Quote:
Originally Posted by dolphin27 View Post
I almost feel like I'm getting from this friend what I'm missing from the hubby. How do I handle the friend situation and the feeling like I would rather be with him than the hubby?
It's pretty clear that the only reason why you think you want to be with the other guy is because he offers an escape from what you're dealing with in your marriage. The fact is that if your marriage was great and working right then you wouldn't even be talking to this other guy, much less contemplate wanting to be with him if your marriage wasn't already falling apart. What that means is that you don't actually want to be with this other guy, you just don't want to be with your husband anymore.

So now you have a decision to make. Are you going to continue going through the motions with your husband, knowing you're already over him and done with the whole thing? Or are you going to start working toward a solution for yourself to benefit you in the long term? You're still young at this point, but if you wait too long to make a change, you're going to be that much older and it will be a ton harder to actually find someone that does make you feel loved and cherished. After 30, the dating pool gets more and more shallow every year and your chance to find the right guy will be way harder, the more years past 30 that you go.

 
Old 04-07-2010, 07:06 AM   #7
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Re: romance???

There's no way I'd consider throwing my marriage away over romance fizzling out for "several months."

You're approaching the classic seven-year itch. You two have a baby together now. His libido is obviously beginning to wind down (as it does with men as they age) while yours is just getting started (as it does with women your age). Believe me, your situation is not unique.

I think you need to tackle one problem at a time with your husband. He must be on board. Tackle the sex or the spending time together issues separately. When he says "we're comfortable," how do you respond? Do you agree with him? Do you honestly tell him how you're feeling?

I'll tell you, marriage is work at the point you are. If nothing changes after you confront him, yet you want to make the marriage succeed, you're going to have to suggest counseling to him. Maybe family/marital counseling can help him be a little more receptive to what you're saying.

And I can also appreciate how being comfortable is a goal your hubby might have now reached. He's got a wife, baby, house, friends, hobbies. Life sounds great for him. But it looks like what he's perceiving as "comfortable" you're perceiving as "stuck in a rut." Tell him you need his help and participation with keeping things at a more spicy comfort level. You can't do it alone.

And I'd forget about your "friend." It's not fair to you, your husband, your baby, the vows you took or your marriage you're hoping to improve to have another man in the wings like this.

 
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