I am fairly new to the healthboards so I may not always get my point across in the best way but I am just wondering if I am the right person for my current boyfriend. We have been seeing each other for going on 9 months now and it seems like I really don't do much right in this relationship. there is a lot of history that I will need to skip here just due to the fact that it would take 2 days for me to tell everything leading up to this point...suffice it to say, that I had a bad addiction problem for the last 7-8 years and lost touch with my son (who is now 18 and has been raised by his father and paternal grandparent). I got clean in November of 2008 and after I started dating my bf he encouraged me to start trying to reconnect with my son (I also have 2 daughters but that is a different story). So one night i come in and my bf tells me that he found my son on f******k and that when I'm ready I should contact him on there by messaging him. So about a week later I did and then I set up my own page so that my son would have someplace private to send me something back if he so chose to (he did). Well as things go, one thing lead to another and pretty soon I had ppl requesting me as their friend 2-3 times a day. Not what i originally made my page for, but a lot of these ppl I was very close to at different times in my life so it was kinda nice to be reconnected to some of them. So now not only do I have my son back in my life, but also about 100 other friends of mine from over the years.
Well, one of these old friends is a guy who we (my bf and I) went to high school with and had a crush on me back then. And also, about 6 years ago he would come up to my work and stand at the end of my check-out counter and just kinda linger there for a bit then he would leave. I wasn't ever what you would call good friends with this guy but we were friends...so anyway, he requested me as a friend on this site and I accepted. You have to know this guy to really understand some of the things I tell you about, but he was a huge geek in school but when I saw him around a few years back, he had put on some weight (works out a lot!), kinda came out of his shell in a way and has become a firefighter in a town about 30 miles away. Well, I had commented on a couple of things he said about being alone in the gym. This guy has probably the biggest ego of anyone I've ever met...so when he said he had to work out by himself at the gym a few days back, I sarcastically replied something to the effect of being surprised he didnt have women following him in asking him to be their personal trainer. But he really does take his working out seriously and I have been thinking of asking another mutual friend of ours (girl) to do some training with me and help me get back in shape. i told this guy that and again being kind of sarcastic said maybe he could help me. Well, he did message me back giving some advice about what kind of workout to do and what kind of foods to eat. then a few days later, he mentioned something about eating at Taco **** which is one of my favorite fast mexican food joints to go...they have excellent food there and there is only a couple of them that I have ever seen. so I commented about it being unfair that he was getting to eat at this place because we don't have one where I live. Then he comments back something about "I'll be thinking about you when i eat tacos from **** ****Basically saying haha I get to eat here and you don't! Now my bf is all up in arms because he says that even though I was trying to be sarcastic that the guy will think that I'm flirting with him and that it is inappropriate for us to be talking like that. and if that's what I'm doing, then I couldn't agree more. But that's not what i was trying to do. And I talk to a lot of ppl on my friend list...even talk to my dad on there. I post mainly to women but also 2 or 3 men who I consider to be close friends. This guy wasn't a close friend necessarily but he was a friend and I didn't mean anything by the commenting I was doing. Just replying to his was mainly all i did. But I don't want my bf to be upset by this so I just took the guy off my friend list. He isn't important enough to me to keep on there when it was bothering my bf the conversations we had. I have also gotten asked out at my work a couple of times and my bf says it must be becuase i am flirting with them. this hurts my feeling because not only do I not flirt with people I work with, they know I am in a relationship and happy and all I talk about at work is my bf. They are probably sick of hearing about him by now. It hurts my feeling a lot that my bf says that the only reason guys ask me out is that I'm flirting...like I don't have any other qualities that might make someone want to ask me out. It's just me acting like a flirt??? And my bf has flirted with other women in front of my face on several occassions but that's supposed to be ok? I don't understand people who think like this...the ones who are a little on the hypocritical side with certain things. For instance: this past week, my bf and I were able to spend the time between our split shifts together (this could be anywhere from 2-5 hours depending on certain things but usually is around 2 hours lately). Well, the first day I had to be back at work at 3:45 and he didn't have to be back til 4:30 so around 3:15 he started driving back over towards where we work and asking "so what do you want todo now?" kinda like he was hoping i would just tell him to drop me back off at work 30 mins early. Well, I can't stand my job so that wasn't gonna happen. So he drops me off around 3:40 then takes off to do whatever it is he does until he has to get back to work at 4:30. I asked him later that night what he did after he dropped me off and he said he couldn't remember. Seriously? OK! So the next day we were able to hook up on our break again and we went and did some running around then we went and ate this little chinese restaurant. Well, I didn't have to go back to work that day but he had to be back at like 4:30 or so again. but after we ate I started feeling really nauseated and all I wanted to do was lay back in his seat and not move til he had to be back. But instead of letting me do that, he takes me back to my car at, once again 3:15, over an hour before he has to be back at work. I ask him again that evening when he gets him what he did after he dropped me off... he tells me "same thing I did the day before. i drove up the road a ways then turned around and went back to work." Seriously? Then AGAIN, the next day I got off and he was already on his break between shifts and i met up with him at the car wash( he was detailing the van for the owner of the restaurant he works for). We hung out there for an hour and then again right at 3:15 he's ready to go take the van back and says he will see me later tonight. Well I know that he didn't go back to work because he told me had to go drop off something in town but he took the van back and then who knows what he did? I didn't ask because he would just he drove up the road then turned around and went back to wrk and I would be a jerk for questioning this. It just seems a little strange to me that everyday around 3:15 he is ready for me to go even though he isn't due back at work for another hour to hour and a half. and it's always been like that withhim. If he is wanting to spend time with me...then i had better be there when he thinks I should be or he gets irritated. but if he has other things to do and doesn't want me around then that's supposed to be ok too. We work almost an hour away from the twon we leave in and very rarely ride together to work because he makes his schedule completely opposite of mine(although he says he doesn't). My car is dying quickly from being driven so much the past 2 months and he has a much newer nicer car and it would help me out A LOT to be able to ride with him 2-3 days a week, but he refuses to even try and get his schedule the same as mine so we coud ride together. He gets a phone call every morning about 15 minutes after he leaves to go to work. If he leaves at 9 the call comes at 9:15. If he leaves at 10 it's 10:15. he tells me it's bill collectors but idk. he has a lot of friends that are women and some of them he has dated at one time or wanted to date and couldn't for one reason or another. I'll be the first to admit that I have insecurities that are in part left over from previous relationships/marriage where I was cheated on and physically and emotionally abused. My bf and i also think that I may have some mild bipolar issues, which don't help when he tells me twice in less than a week that he can't remember what he did after we got off the phone or after he dropped me off. and then he comes back a day later and says that he just drove up the road and turned around and went back to work early? Maybe that's not a big deal but i think if I told him the same thing, he might have a problem with it. One time? I can understand when you do the same thing day after day, the days seem to run together. But twice in less than a week? And the pattern lately of dropping me off or getting rid of me by 3 or 3:15 when he doesn't have to go back in until 4:30 is just odd to me.
He won't admit this, but he has mood swings also. but when I bring up the subject to find out what the problem may be or what could be causing this, he gets defensive and sarcastic to me. There are times when he can go a week and be so loving, kind, thoughtful, and want tospend his time with me like I do him. And then it's like he will wake up one day and someone has flipped a swithch and he is withdrawn from me, not loving at all, quiet when we are together and trying to get away from me. I have this problem also, but I base a lot of my behavior on the way he treats me. If he is open and loving and affectionate with me then it's easy for me to be that way with him. i do love him very much and want more than anything to make this work. He is a great guy! I just don't know if i am the right person for him. Maybe he doesn't deserve to have to put up with my insecurities. But maybe I deserve to be with someone who feels the same way about me as i do them. I deserve to be with someone who will make sure our schedules coincide at least a couple of times a week so that I don't have to drive my crappy car that is just going to stop running pretty soon if I keep driving it an hour to work and back everyday, instead of keeping a schedule that's clearly the total opposite of mine. Maybe he doesn't ask for that schedule but he could fix it to where i could ride with him. he has A LOT more flexibility with that than i do at my job. and I know that if the situation were reversed I would be doing everything in my power to insure that he didn't have drive some crappy car that's about to break down when he could just ride with me. OUr jobs are literally right next door to each other.
I know that because of my insecurities I tend to read things that arent there into a lot of situations with my bf, but that being said, I am also a fairly intelligent person and feel like he does things sometimes that make me more insecure when it doesn't have to be that way. like i said, it would be nice to be with someone who feels the same way about me as I do him.
I think he still has feelings for his ex-fiance although he would deny this to the bitter end. He gets on her ******** page sometimes and he had a bunch of nude pics of her on his computer still about a month ago and when I asked him about why he's looking at her page he told me he didn't know that he guessed he was just "curious" about how she was doing. And he says he has now deleted the nude pics of the 2 of them but he is very computer-savvy and my guess is that he just put them someplace where I can't find them. She lives in the town where we work and he always acts differently when we are out together in that town...won't hold my hand in public, stands 2-3 feet from me, and the other day I noticed that he stares at small women with short bleached blonde hair a lot. Almost like he is afraid we will run into her and he can't be seen being affectionate to me. the one time he did run into her was inthe mall outside of a store i was in finishing up putting in a job application. And instead of coming in and telling me ***** is out there, I'm gonna go out to the car and wait or just stay in here with you, he just left. without saying a freaking thing to me. I came out and walked all over the mall looking for him then I get a txt saying that he had left and gone on over to his friend ******* house (another girl friend) and for me to come there when I finished. He didn't say a word about seeing his ex and when I got upset because he just left me at the mall without saying anything to go to his girl friend's house, he said i was being ridiculous. My point was that he couldn't wait 10 mins for me to finish up what i was doing and go over there together. He had to run over there and be with her byhimself for a while? Only then did he tell me why he really left the mall and said it was because he didn't want me to see him talking to his ex and get upset. First of all, it's a fairly small town and I know that we are going to run into her on occassion so it wouldn't have been a big deal if he had just said something. But I think the real reason he just left is that he didn't want her to see him go in the store and start talking to me and possibly have her see us leave the mall together. Otherwise why wouldn't he have just walked in where i was at and said Hey my ex is out there so I'm gonna be in here looking around til you get finished...because he didn't want her to see him with me. Still has feelings for this girl (who cheated on him btw with her ex over and over again) or why would he act like that, why would he still be getting on her page, and WHY would he still have nude pictures of her on his computer? For whatever reason, from conversations I've read between him and a friend of his, he thought this girl was perfect and i just don't think i can compete with that. he told his friend that he thinks she is the most beautiful woman he's ever seen...i've seen her picture and she is cute at best. the sex was the best he's ever had and on and on and on....not only can i NOT compete with that, i have absolutely no desire to try. It's a rare occassion when he reaches over and holds my hand in the car or anywhere else for that matter but apparently, according to what I read, he couldn't keep his hands off this skank that couldn't keep her pants on for her ex and was afraid that she would get tired of him wanting to touch her all the time. There is someone out there that feels all those ways about me, but it isn't him unfortunately...don't have a clue where to go from here!
Oh my! That was a lot! lol. Ok, so I dont like this guy. First of all, I think a person who truely cares about you should try to protect you. Not do whatever they want, and expect you to jump on board. And I believe that needs to go both ways. It sounds to me like you have made the sacrifices he's asked of you, and he's not holding to the other end of the bargain. Also, he is very .........um........thoughtless? I think that would be the word I would use here. Not quite disrespectful because that takes a certain amount of deliberation. But he just seems to do what he does without any thought or concern for the position it puts you in. Now here's the cold bitter truth in that........He doesn't think about you or your feelings. He's too wrapped up in himself. I get the feeling here he isn't even playing a game. It's like, he has a one track mind and nothing else matters. When your dealing with somebody like that......nothing else will ever matter. If I were you, I would get out now before things get too serious. He will never think of anyone but himself. And no matter what.....I hope you stay clean and sober. Best of luck.
this is too much to read, but from the little I've read, it seems like I answered your boyfriends post today, if I'm thinking correctly.....the story sure sounds the same. flirty emails asking the guy to be your personal trainer, etc.....I told your boyfriend that he wasn't crazy, and that his girlfriend (you) were out of line.
Ok first of all, I haven't asked anyone to be my personal trainer. What I said to the guy was that I was thinking of asking (female friend of mine) to be my trainer because i had gotten out of shape since having kids. I did make a couple of sarcastic comments to him about having women follow him into the gym asking him to be their personal trainer, but I was not talking about myself and it was meant to be sarcastic, not flirty. The guys ego is the size of Texas and was trying to see what kind of remark I would get back from him.
Not trying to be rude rose but maybe you should read the whole post before giving your advice that i was being inappropriate. Maybe I was and I agreed with my bf that if I came off as flirty then he had the right to be upset and have since taken the guy off my friend list. And definitely was NOT defensive about it...glad to do it if it was making my bf uncomfortable. I wouldn't have taken him off if I was just going to get upset about it. Like i said, not trying to be rude just don't think you got the whole story.
Last edited by deeneedsfixed; 04-07-2010 at 12:23 PM.
Yeah, I remember reading your bf's post too. He's insecure as well. So, it looks like you both have some communication skills to build. Trust is the foundation of a relationship. Both of you are crossing over into territory that makes the other uncomfortable. You'll both have to come to an agreement on what is appropriate communication with friends of the opposite sex or I don't see it getting better.
Also try to avoid playing the "well he does this so I can do that" game. No one wins that one.
BTW- congratulations on your sobriety!
. Like i said, not trying to be rude just don't think you got the whole story.
I read rose's reply and I think she gets it quite well. Your post was a lot to take in but you only have to read a few sentences to understand your point ovf view, because it is all about the same thing. Insecurities that drives you both to react to each other.
Last edited by River rocks; 04-07-2010 at 12:33 PM.
I've been posting here a long time, and in my experience, it's usually people playing tricks with us when they post as the person whom someone else was posting about. So, I don't know if you're for real or if you're just messing around with everyone or what your story is. But if you were for real, you would have disclosed in the first post who you were and your connection to the guy who posted exactly the same story earlier. Whenever I see posts like these it really makes me cringe because there have been too many trolls on this board!
Huh? I'm not sure what you're talking about. I didn't know he had posted anything until I read a reply to my post that said my bf had posted about the same thing. Then I looked for his post to see what he had said. so not sure what you're deal is but all I'm looking for is some good advice on what to do about my situation with the person that I love. My bf is the one who suggested I get on here because he has been posting on here for a really long time and says some of what people tell him is really good advice. I'm not posing as anyone except the gf of someone who has been coming here and seeking advice from you guys. So would you mind backing off me and letting me get that advice from those who have it to give?? sorry not trying to be a jerk, just having a hard time in my relationship right now and don't need ppl on here who are supposed to be helping me, giving me grief for things I don't know about. Anyone who would come on here and mess with ppl by playing tricks and other immature things are not for real and I'm sorry if youve had to deal with that, but I assure you, this is for real and so are my feelings. Oh and I promise you my bf is for real also! We have been fighting about this crap for 2 days now and both sick of it! Just wanted to know what people with some experience may have to say about things...again, sorry if that upset you for some reason, but I need help and if I can get it from someone on here (and my bf too) then I think we should be allowed to do that without being given a hard time about it.
Last edited by deeneedsfixed; 04-07-2010 at 02:38 PM.
if you're still looking for advice, here's some.....
close down the social networking site or at least stop posting to men on it, in what could be construed as "a suggestive manner" to your BF or anyone else reading it
but I thought you already posted that you determined that you're not right together.....now you want ways to fix it? I'm confused, or are you really flip-flopping in your mind just that fast?
Riverocks, Thanks for the props on my sobriety! I do agree with you that we feed off of each other to a certain degree. but here is my stance on just about anything in my relationship...if I am doing something that is upsetting my bf, then I am going to do everything in my power to stop doing whatever it is. Take the posts we(bf and myself)both wrote in about...very first thing I did, without anger or malice, was to remove that guy from my friend list. Because he doesn't matter to me in my life...how my bf felt about what he perceived to be going on does matter. And I told him as much...that if that's how I came off as being flirty, then it was inappropriate and he had every right to be upset. One thing I try to do, and i'm sure don't always succeed is admitting when I'm wrong and trying to correct the behavior. Occassionally pride does rear it's ugly head and makes it a tad more difficult for me to do so, but I do try. I love him and want him to be happy. I certainly don't want to be thing that causes him worry or stress. Thanks for the input...much appreciated!
If you think you are confused, I will switch places with you for a second. Here is what happened...between the first post and the second and the replies, I have found out more about my bf and his feelings for his ex. You have to understand that until about 30 mins ago, I thought he was over this girl and loved me and wanted to make a life with me. Then I see these things that make me question whether or not that is what's best for either of us. If he has feelings for her still, then he doesn't need to be with me. On the other hand, I love him and have been under the impression for the last 8 months that he was in this for the same reasons i am, because I love him and wanted to make a life with him. Idk what to do...my mind is going in 100 different directions right now. The fact that I may be bipolar probably isn't helping matters. my mood goes from ecstatic to lower than dirt in less than a second. My emotions are swirling and I am sick to my stomach. I had a very distinct "image" if you will, of the type of man my bf has become over the years since high school. I had gained sooo much respect for him and the kind of man I thought him to be. And suddenly I find out that he may not be that man at all....that everything I believed about him may have been false pretense. Yes, I am quite confused and don't really know what I want to do at this moment. And i can't say that in 5 mins it might not change again. Like I said, trying hard just to keep my brain from shutting down. Because my instinct when things like this go wrong in my relationship is to take a bunch of pills and make the hurt and confusion go away. And I can't do that anymore so I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is i should do.