First timer to these boards, but thought I would give it a try to see what other people think of my situation.
I am married to a great wife. We are both active and fun people. We love each other dearly and are very close, but I am having an issue. We are both 34, but still act like we are in our early 20's. We go out a couple times a month with friends to go to parties, dinner and dancing at night clubs. I have a great time with all of that, but recently she has become less encumbered I could say. Specifically with one of the guys that we go out with all the time. He is gay and in a long term relationship with his partner so I am 99.9% sure that there is not a cheating situation here, but my wife and him love to freak dance at the clubs together. (He does this with several other friends also) and she does love him and tells him she loves him, but she tells other people this too. This was fine with me and we actually joked that it was "legal cheating" and that he gets her "warmed up for me." He really is a nice guy. Then, about a month ago, my wife and him were on a crowed dance floor (both very drunk) and I walk to both of them to go dance also. As I walk up (they are in full "freak dance embrace") I see them open mouth kiss. He was "just" giving her a breath mint (I did see this, it is not "just their story") from his mouth to hers. I freaked out (I was drunk too) and left the bar and was terribly upset. The next day the 4 of us (both spouses) talked about it and came to an understanding of comfort levels, etc. They were both apologetic, etc. I was still deeply hurt even though it was really not a huge thing.
So now flash forward to the next time couple times we go out and I realize that now I am incredibly jealous of him. I don't want her to dance with him at all, but I know she loves it and does not want to stop. It makes her feel good and I have not told her to stop, but I hate watching it now. We are all close friends so I know there will be another time soon that we will be out with them and they will want to go out on the dance floor.
So my question is...am I right to feel jealous? I know (from our after conversations) that he was very remorseful of hurting my feelings, so should I be mad at him? At this point I am not. I just get nerves and my stomach gets upset every time I think if us going out again. I have talked to my wife about this some, but I know how much she loves getting on the dance floor with him (and yes part of this is because she likes to dance with him more than me). So, should I just deal with it? I am not the type of guy to say anything like "I forbid you." My thought is she is trying to express herself a little outside the relationship without violating it. What is your expert takes on this long winded rant?
Kinda odd that a gay guy would be open mouth kissing a girl.... That's really, really weird. I'm not sure what I'd think about that if I was in your position.
I do think that at your age (I'm only 2 years older than you), it's time to quit the getting drunk and partying thing because you're not kids anymore. My little brother, who is in his mid 20s doesn't even act that way anymore. I think you guys need to grow up a little.
As for the kissing other guys and all that stuff, you guys are going to need to have a majorly in depth conversation about boundaries. Between the 2 of you, you need to decide what you're both willing to allow each other to do with other people and what's off limits. I don't care if this guy claims to be gay but you're right to be hurt by it cause he's still another guy kissing your wife! That's the kind of stuff that can lead to other stuff. And if you don't want to live in the swinger lifestyle, then you need to set the ground rules now, before anything else happens. Then she can't come back later and claim not to know cause you never talked about it.
I'd keep an eye on your gay friend. Maybe he's really not so gay after all, you never know these days..
Thank you for your input. My response would be, I know he is gay. We have been friends for a long time. We run in a group that has multiple openly gay men and women. I would suffice to say that he not even bi. He is just in touch with women and has a presense about him that ladies like. This is not exclusive to my wife and other than the "sharing of the mint" (which all it really was. They were not making out) he has never done anything to make me think he "wants" my wife. That is not my issue. My issue is my jealousy with it. I am having trouble getting over it on my own so I am coming on here to see if someone can help me see how to.
The party scene is not as bad as I may have made it sound. We are a little "older" than they typical party group, but we are not heavy drinks (most the time) and enjoy spending time with our friends, no matter the age. Though I will say your point is taken in the extent that if it does seem to cause us more issues, a change will come, but we have been able to manage this life since we were in college and it has brought us many years of happyness.
Thanks again for your input. I came to this site because it seemed like there are some intelligent responders and though I have only gotten one response so far, your response was a great and I appreciate it.
That would make me uncomfortable too. Seriously, even though he is gay, it is still out of line. His being gay doesnt make kissing her right. And same goes for your wife, she should not try to explain it away with his gayness like that makes it all OK and dandy.
I have the feeling that you don't have anything to worry about. There is probably no attraction or threat at all, it was the party atmosphere and the dancing and they got carried away. However you did state your peace and it sounds like they both understand and respect your discomfort. I imagine that nothing like that will happen again and they both probably just want to get back to where you were all just good friends without tension.
How to NOT feel queasy and uneasy? I don't know... maybe just time. Seeing is believing so your observing them in the future keeping a respectful boundary (no kissing!! lol) might do it.
You guys really need to have a talk about boundaries. It's ok to let her know that it makes you uncomfortable seeing her kissing other guys. Some men are totally open about that stuff and some are not. There's no right or wrong answer to it accept what's right for you is what you need to do.
So have that conversation to ensure you are both 100% clear on what's ok behavior when you're out at the club and what's noit ok. Then it's up to both of you to stick to those boundaries.
Great response River. I think maybe time is all I need. It does seem some boundaries have been set. We even joke about it (He will say "Want a mint...in your hand?" and we laugh about it, but I am still uncomfortable with the dancing. That is the hard part because I know she loves it so much and is part of her identity and how she escapes from real life. I try not to be the typical husband (I do laundry, make dinner almost every night and do the dishes and give her foot rubs 4-5 times a week!) so I don't want to be "that guy" that starts putting what might be unnecessary boundaries on her having a good time. But, at the same time I cannot shake that I am jealous of him because she wants to dance with him in that way more than myself. It kind of sounds petty, but it is intimate. She will dance with me, but wants that with him more and I am having trouble with that.
Let me also say that he (nor my wife) are explaining him being gay as a way to say it is ok for that kiss. Neither say it is ok. He kisses some of his other lady friends and I think, in the moment decided it was ok with her too. I know that now that he knows I feel this way he would never do it again.
So all of your comments are good, and I think I want to say what you are suggesting with no freak dancing, but not sure how I am going to say that. Thanks again for your help and look forward to more of your thoughts.
Oh yeah. I am no wallflower. I am no pro and really, not as good as this guy, but I can dance and get on the dance floor as much as her. Remember this is many years of dancing together and we have been hanging out with this guy and his partner for over 3 years and dancing with them all this time. It just got out of control recently and I have not been able to recover. Especially since she says she prefers dancing with him. We have been together for 16 years, since we were both 18 (senior prom was our first date, yes, a little fairtale, but it is our fairtale). So I don't think it is that I can't dance, but it is something newer, intimate and (up until recently) safe. She stills views it as safe and I think I do to, but I still just want to be the only guy she wants to be that close to. I am not and it is bothering me and so far not been able to overcome on my own. Hense the reaching out here. Thanks!
I still just want to be the only guy she wants to be that close to. I am not and it is bothering me
I think that is the core of it. Kissing is a very intimate act. Maybe you can openly talk to your wife and be honest.. what it is really about is that you don't want her to want to be that intimate with another man. You wish her to desire to share that kind of intimacy within your marriage only. that is totally reasonable and I imagine she would understand why you felt/feel uncomfortable. You would like reasuracne that she doesnt need/want such intimacy with another.
On a positive note you both sound very open minded therefore I imagine she is receptive to your feelings and a good communicator which goes a long way.
Last edited by River rocks; 04-07-2010 at 04:29 PM.