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Old 04-07-2010, 11:09 AM   #1
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Unhappy NOT the right girl...now I know!

Well, I just posted a novel on here about whether or not i am the right girl for my boyfriend and for whatever reason I think I just got my answer on accident from previous posts he had made about the girl I talked about in my last post. Although the posts of his that I just read were written long long ago, he was reading them last night, while I was here with him, for some reason. And it just went on and on about how great this girl was and how much he loved her and how his heart was still broken over not being with her and how he compares every other girl he dates to her, including me I'm sure. He even talked about the sexual chemistry between the two of them, which apparently he doesn't have with me, and even went so far as to say she could have been in Playboy and that it was that chemistry that was possibly his weakness where she is concerned. I don't want to be with someone who could never feel any of those things for me, when there is a person out there who DOES feel that way about me. Although it's my ex-husband and he is definitely not the right man for me in sooo many ways, he does have that attraction to me and he tells me how beautiful and fun I am to be around. How much I used to make him laugh when we were together. He tells me what an amazing mother I am to our 2 daughters. All of the things that my bf thinks about his cheating ex-fiance, my ex-husband thinks the same way about me. So now what? He obviously will never feel that way about anyone else that he chooses to date because he is too busy comparing everyone to her. And I am my own person, I do not wish to be compared to some skank that cheated on him time and time again with her ex. He may think she is all wonderful and perfect, but what kind of person does that to someone you love and that obviously worships the ground you walk on?? I am sick of having her between us!! He says that he is totally over her now and that he wouldn't go back with her even if she asked him to, but I don't believe him. Especially after knowing that he still looks at her ******** page out of "curiosity." And if I had to bet, I would probably win a lot of money on the fact the he probably still looks at the nude pics he still has of her on his computer. I don't want someone who is going to compare me to their ex because obviously after reading his posts and the fact that he was reading them last night, that's exactly what he does. And I'm pretty sure that no one will ever be good enough for him. so maybe he needs to go back to her and see if she can be faithful to him this time. because again, I am betting that she couldn't or wouldn't. If he would rather have someone like her than someone who would NEVER do that to him, then let him have her I say. My heart is breaking right now but I have felt this all along that he wasn't entirely over her. Guess i was right! I'm wishing he would've just left me alone and let me happy in the little life I had going for myself and my kids. I am wonderful to his kids and love them a little more every time I'm with them. And I love him more with each day but apparently he is stuck on some girl that didn't have the ability to be faithful to him when they were together and probably still wouldn't today. Well, I guess it's time for me to move on again. And I thought I needed to be fixed before....WOW! Feels like I have just been punched in the stomach! Again!

 
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Old 04-07-2010, 11:45 AM   #2
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Re: NOT the right girl...now I know!

Deeneeds,
I read and replied to your last thread. The thing is you can't be certain about his feelings until you two really talk heart to heart, setting aside all the anxiety and blaming.
My boyfriend went through a similar "love fest of sorrow" about his ex that he thought walked on water, and this was when we first started dating. It hurt like heck but he wasn't cheating, only reminising. He's completely over her now and would never look back! You won't know until you talk to your bf...maybe is is over her but still holds on tothe memory. Guys do that sometimes. I think you can at least talk and if you still feel awful then maybe you are right, you are not the one for him. But doesnt it deserve a good talk first?

 
Old 04-07-2010, 12:27 PM   #3
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Re: NOT the right girl...now I know!

Dee, you said in a response to someone else's post that your BF was "wonderful" and "would do anything" for you. Now you say you two aren't right for each other...and these posts are like an hour apart!

I think you just aren't sure what you want...
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Old 04-07-2010, 12:32 PM   #4
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Re: NOT the right girl...now I know!

I know you are right in some respects...he isn't cheating with her(at least i don't believe he would do that after everything) but if he is still holding on to her at all, which obviously he is I don't want that. I have had enough hurt in my lifetime for 10 ppl and i don't want anymore. and i will do pretty much anything to avoid feeling hurt of any kind. It's why I was so against getting into this relationship (or any relationship) when i was happy enough alone and didn't have to deal with any of this. Everytime i get into a relationship with someone this is what happens. And the last 2 I was in, I didn't really even love the guy, although I did care for them. This is completely different for me though. I am absolutely crazy for this man and i just don't think he feels the same. At least, not like the way he talks about her...and I've gone from not really giving this woman a second thought to feeling this intense hatred for her. Because he did feel that way for her and look what she did to him! I would NEVER do that to him and I doubt if he feels half of what he felt for her. I just get sick of seeing this crap about her on his computer...it's him on her f******* page, his nude pics of her, his conversations about her to his friends on here, his posts on healthboards about her and it's all about how amazing she was and how much he loved her and all the while, she is sleeping with her ex behind his back. And even after that it's all just how incredible she was in bed and out and it's truly making me sick now. A month ago when i had to see the nude pics he took of her and then found out he was on her page I let it go after a few days. But I was here with him last night and he is sitting on here reading all about his feelings for this girl. After slamming me for 2 days about supposedly flirting with some dork on the same site he goes to look at this girls pictures. Sick to death of it!
On the other hand, are you right about sitting down and talking it out? Probably! I just don't know how without this new resentment creeping in and messing things up when I start saying mean things that I don't necessarily feel that way or mean to say except just being upset and not being able to help myself.
It just hurts me that I agreed to give him a chance and start this relationship 8 months ago and now look where it's gotten me. Sitting here crying while he goes and has a good time on his break at work today. Stupid I am!!!

 
Old 04-07-2010, 12:47 PM   #5
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Re: NOT the right girl...now I know!

he is wonderful and he has been here for me through some really hard times since we got together. But in the last few weeks I have found nude pics of his ex-fiance on here after he told me that the only pics left of her on the computer were the few he kept in one of his folders that has pics of his friends. Then i find out he's been getting on her page and looking at her. Then last night he gets on here and is reading all of the old posts he wrote about her when they were having their trouble and then after they broke up. It's not that he isn't wondeful because he is a great guy, I'm just wondering if he maybe shouldn't be trying to work things out with her if he thinks she's so amazing and they had such great chemistry and he compares every woman he dates to her anyway. So why not just get back with her? Oh yeah because she couldn't keep her pants on around her ex...I forgot. I mean, how amazing can someone like that really be? But he obviously has something inside of him that can't quite let her go and I don't really want to be around when he decides he can't live without her again. I didn't want to get into this situation with him but he convinced me that he would never hurt me and that I should give us a chance to work because of how we came to find each other back in our hometown within a month of each other and just moved back here from the same small town 2 hours north of here where not one time did we run into each other. We were both still struggling with our addiction at that time and were not in any shape to be in a relationship. Then we moved back here and like I said, ran into each other within a month of moving back, both having gotten straightened up and doing pretty well. It was kind of a God thing and he told me that I was the piece of the puzzle that had been missing all along(since high school when he had the huge crush on me) and I chose to believe him like an idiot! I guess the joke is on me since obviously he never got over the puzzle piece that didn't fit(his cheating ex)!

 
Old 04-07-2010, 12:53 PM   #6
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Re: NOT the right girl...now I know!

How do I do that? Have that heart to heart without blaming and anxiety? I'm running over with anxiety right now...not really blaming anyone bcuz he can't help how he feels. I just wish that he wouldn't have gotten me involved if this is what he was going to do 8 months into it when i have truly fallen in love with him. It's not fair that he did that. He should have made for 100% certainty that he was over this other girl before dragging me into the mix. We have been friends since middle school and this could possibly even ruin a 25-year friendship if it goes down the wrong way. I don't want that to happen although I doubt if I could be his friend again if he feels the way I think he does about his ex. Don't think I could forgive him for getting me into this and then it turning out exactly like I predicted it would. that at some point, he would end up having feelings for this girl again and i would be right where i started...completely alone except alone and heartbroken instead of alone and happy with the way my life was going.

 
Old 04-07-2010, 01:55 PM   #7
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Re: NOT the right girl...now I know!

Quote:
Originally Posted by deeneedsfixed View Post
On the other hand, are you right about sitting down and talking it out? Probably! I just don't know how without this new resentment creeping in and messing things up when I start saying mean things that I don't necessarily feel that way or mean to say except just being upset and not being able to help myself.
I've done the same thing...I've said mean things to my bf that I don't mean. It comes out of fear. If it is possible, you'll need to take a breather and let yourself unwind and realize you are reacting out of fear right now. When you approach him, I have found that men react and respond much better to calm logic reasoning than they do to emotional outbursts. I truly hope you can talk with him without igniting each others defenses, and see where that goes.
Good luck.

 
Old 04-07-2010, 02:24 PM   #8
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Re: NOT the right girl...now I know!

Ok river, I wll definitely give this a try. I will pretty much try anything that sounds logical to me at this point. Feeling a bit desperate because of the things I read earlier...hate this feeling. I think what I will do now is get off of here and go do some yardwork then do some reading on a book I started yesterday then get cleaned up before my bf gets home from work this evening. But for now, I am going to do my best just to forget and unwind and take the breather like you said. I think it's a good idea. So thanks for helping me to calm down somewhat...I can't think when i get emotional like that. except to think omg, i've got to get away from him! And here in the next breath i go "omg what if i'm wrong about all of it???" what if this is all just in my head like so many other things have been? because if that's the case and i approach him about it even in a non-confrontational way then he's not going to take it well. Maybe i should just believe in him and try to make myself know that he's not the type of person that would be with me if he didn't love me and want to make a life...oh sister, i could go on like this all day and it's freakin' exhausting! Imagine how it is for him being with someone like me...makes me feel sorry for him. Except that I know I'm a good person with a lot of good things to offer someone. And cheating on someone that I love with my ex would not be one of the things on my qualities list. Again, thanks for the help and for listening...right now all I'm really doing is just thinking out loud so if you're as tired of my mess as I am then no reply necessary. lol hope you're having a good day!

 
Old 04-07-2010, 04:57 PM   #9
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Re: NOT the right girl...now I know!

In this post...it seems like it's you who cant stop comparing yourself to her. How do you know how he really feels until you sit down and have an open and honest talk with him? Your putting the cart before the horse. I have loved and lost and been very broken hearted before, but that doesn't mean that I have loved the people since any less. I think you really need to talk with him.

 
Old 04-07-2010, 06:29 PM   #10
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Re: NOT the right girl...now I know!

Wow! Thank you so much Mel, for that very very very insightful post. I guess maybe you're right....because I too have loved and lost and been so broken hearted I thought I was going to never recover. Almost didn't! But I love my bf now just as much, in a different way of course, but just as much as I ever loved my ex-husband. My heart still picks up when I see him walk in a room, I get the butterflies when I know he's coming home from work, all that crazy stuff that happens when you love someone and are excited to see them. So who's to say that he doesn't do the same thing where I'm concerned?? You and River Rocks hit the proverbial nail right on it's head, thank goodness. Maybe I should even go a step further and just drop it completely and just trust this man that I made the choice to get into a relationship with. It just sucks thinking that there might be even 1% of him that has regrets about her or that wishes he was still with her even after everything she put him through. It was just so hard for me to put myself out there far enough to let myself fall in love to the point where it could hurt this bad thinking about not having him in life. Because I don't think I could stay if that's what he's doing...missing her and wishing he was with her. But if you saw the same thing on your bf's computer or whatever, wouldn't it make you feel a little horrible? Especially if you weren't getting those vibes from him that he might feel even half of what he professed to feel for an ex? I mean, according to his writings, this girl was as near to perfect as one can get...and I do feel like I'm competing with that at times. Because I am soooo far from perfect, it's scary! Anyway, at least I know now not to go in with guns (emotions/mouth) blazing when he gets home tonight. Will probably just let it lie until I feel I'm either ok to talk about it or have dealt with it to the point where I don't feel it's necessary to talk about her. I'm really sick of having her between us all the time. So again, thanks for the awesome advice!!

 
Old 04-08-2010, 01:29 PM   #11
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Re: NOT the right girl...now I know!

Well, I cant really say what's what and how you should feel about all of this stuff. It sounds like there is sooooooooooooo much more going on and like alot of it is very deep rooted. Whether he has bad intentions or doesnt, I believe your insecurities would be there reguardless. And that's a tough thing to work through. I do believe, and I've said it on this board before, that what we fear we create. So to bring that into your situation, your so afraid of him loving his ex and still wanting to be with her, that you nag about it, talk about it, cry about it. Then you compare yourself to her. On top of all that, you dont give the guy a break on this subject.......it sounds like it is ALLWAYS on the tip of your tongue, and you never know when it's going to come out next.....but you know for sure that it will. The problem with this is all of a sudden, your boyfriend starts thinking about his ex, because you dont let him forget it, and he remembers the good times with her because lately, your all consumed about it and not that much fun. Then he permanently pulls away or leaves because. He figures, if he's going to get punnished repeatedly for something he didn't do, then why bother. In other words.....if you cant beat them, join them. Now in the end, you get to tell yourself that you had this suspician all along. But the reality is, you forced it to happen. What you feared, you created. So be careful......all the way around. I dont suggest blindly trusting anyone, however, you cant rake them across the coals every day because your insecure either. Good luck to you.
Melissa

 
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