Okay this is a real story & its happening to me
My boyfriend was charged with a criminal offense , he didnt do it. he was a a male stripper ... put it that way
He now tells me he hates women, has no desire to have sex, his attuide is up & down. He is suspended from work cause of it, Oh & his mother JUST died.
Ive been the rock that he needs through out all of this, ive been there
but im hurting.I love him so much & i feel useless ......
He had a very HIGH sex drive , now its almost not there. He tells me he isnt sure if he could promise me anything for the future ..
He says that if i respect him i will understand that we can only be friends for now.... ? is this a normal thing ?
i know he is scared .... i know he isnt going to jail .... i know he has sooo much stress on him .... what can i do that i havent already done . ?
He hates people that do this .... more than anything in the world NOW he has been labled as one of those men .... He was on the news also ...
Last edited by mariagar; 04-07-2010 at 12:45 PM.
Reason: i wanted to
What ever it is he is going through, my guess is he needs some time and space. You can be a good friend to him by giving him that. My guess is he is grieving, and everybody does it in there own way. Some people cling, some people cry a lot, some people get quiet, some act like everything is just fine, and others push everyone away. There really isn't much you can do other then to just be consistantly in the background. Be a quiet supporter...and leave it at that.
Lemme see. If I was wrongly charged with a crime, suspended from work, possibly facing jail, and my Mom just died... Well, yes, sex might be off the table for the moment. Give him his space to deal with whatever is going on.
Also understand that your relationship is only of limited value to him. If you had a truly strong bond with him, he would be leaning on you now for support more than ever. That he is not, should tell you something.
from reading between the lines, I can assume he has these charges and will be wrapped up in the courts for awhile. The last thing on his mind is sex with you. He is probably very scared b/c he could be facing jail time, and humiliated if this was on the news. I would say he is also depressed and having bad anxiety if he was accused of something he didn't do.
If he is young as I presume he is, then his sex drive will be back after a while. It is just a question of time and patience. I also think that the less you interfere, the better for him and for you. Stay in the background, but let him know that you will be there for him if he needs you. If he doesn't come back to you, I know it'll be hard, but you'll have to face it and move on.
No, it does't sound normal to me. I can understand him having anger toward the woman that falsely accused him, I'm guessing sexual assault or something? Or maybe someone brought a paternity suite against him. I can understand him having anger toward her, but toward ALL women, including you? I'd think if he really loved you, he'd be leaning on you and he would need your support and companionship more than ever and would be pulling you closer, not pushing you away. No, that doesn't sound normal to me.
If he says all he wants is to be friends, then listen to him and believe him. Stay in contact, but move on with your life as though you are single. He still wants you in his life for the emotional support and emotional intimacy, but he doesn't want the responsibility of being a boyfriend to you. Why I don't know. But when a man says "we're just friends, I can't be with you, I don't want a relationship with you, I'm not your boyfriend, you're not my girlfriend" a smart woman listens and then makes her choices accordingly.
All he needs right now is support. He has just lost his mother, got arrested and lost the job... All you need to give him is support and love and just forget about sex for now, he will come right and he will realise that he lost a lot but still has a true girlfriend and he will get his groove back...
I kinda disagree with caberg and larrylousmom. I'm not saying the two of you are wrong either.....unless you know the nature of a person, I suppose it's hard to know exactly where they are comming from. But I do feel like it's a matter of grief and how he is processing it. When my husband died, I got so angry, and I chased EVERYONE away. My loved ones and family......I hated them....even though I really needed them. For almost two years, I had nothing nice to say to anyone and I didn't want anyone near me. It wasn't until enough time had passed that I was able to accept what had happened and come back to a more normal me and reach out and ask for the support that I needed. So to say he doesn't value her because he isn't leaning on her is kind of unfair. I love my mom very much.....next to my children, she is the most important person in my life. But when my husband died, she was the first person I attacked and chased off. Now of course it may be different with this guy, but it may be the same too.
One more thing.....along with all that, I wouldn't cling in there with the hope that everything is going to get better. Be there to quietly support him, but know that he needs to go through this on his own. Whether or not he will come back around to your favor......well only time will tell. But I would definately give it lots of space and allow your life to move in it's own direction.
I would give it lots of space as well, I would give it so much space that I would just move on with my life. A mother is one thing, a mother is always going to be our mom no matter what. You don' trisk losing a mother by acting out the same way you risk losing a boyfriend or girlfriend. A mom kind of has to stick around, but a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't. Those people are less "safe" so if we act out around them, we could be saying "I know you love me enough to stay with me through this" OR you could also be saying "I don't really care if you leave and never come back. I won't miss you if you do." He's making the choice you put you off, and push you away, which is really making the choice to not be emotionally available to you. I understand he's hurting, but we choose how to deal with pain. his actions seem to say that he doesn't really care whether he loses you or not.
I think the bottom line is, it doesn't really matter why. He's just not emitonally available for a relationship with you. You can stay this guy's friend, but get on with your life and find someone who wants you to be a real and true part of his life.
I think the bottom line is, it doesn't really matter why. He's just not emitonally available for a relationship with you. You can stay this guy's friend, but get on with your life and find someone who wants you to be a real and true part of his life.[/QUOTE]
I do completely agree with this. My only point was more that I wouldn't say he doesnt, or rather, never valued their relationship. Just that right now, he has other things on his plate. I get to wordy sometimes. Sorry. But yes, I think you could be a friend, in the background, but right now he either isn't ready, or he just isn't interested in anything more.
the stripper job is gone now ..... thats wasnt his worry. His real job is what he cant do .
No he has a VERY strong case against these charges .... the best lawyer in all of canada. My worry is will he recover from this ??? MENtALLY ? he is going to see a doctor
but will it help ?
okay good advise thank you all ....i guess keep doing what im doing right now than...
God bless you all .....
he wont lean on anyone..... his mother was his rock .... his pride gets in the way .He leans on me to a point than .... pushes away than comes back.
He asks what real love is .. for some reason? He is NOW very close with my mother.
I think he is testing me to see how long i will stick around ... every women he was involved with used him than left .