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Old 04-07-2010, 09:15 PM   #1
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Sex-Family Member at Risk

My brother is a married, middle-class, white guy in the suburbs with 3 kids, a corporate job, pretty wife, etc. He is also living this other life where he has sex with multiple women who he meets on websites. He recently went on 2 week business trip to California and picked up 2 girls off the street in Oakland. One of them is a drug addict who freaked out in the hotel hallway to the point that security was called and he was almost thrown out of the hotel. The other shoplifted in a store while my brother was with her and they were both arrested. The police let my brother go eventually but charged her. He then told me that he performed sex acts with the girls for 2 men (at different times) for money. He made $600. On previous trips, he would fly in women who he had sex with before, now he is picking up drug addicts off the street and putting on sex shows. I am worried that something bad is going to happen if he keeps doing stuff like this. Can anyone tell me why he is doing this? I also don't understand why he is doing this to his wife? She is the nicest person and she has no idea. I would never tell her but the whole thing is sad. Should I be worried or do most people do this kind of stuff and I am just weird? Any advice will help.

 
Old 04-07-2010, 10:56 PM   #2
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Re: Sex-Family Member at Risk

No, most people do not engage in such risky, dangerous activities, thank goodness! I would have very grave concerns about potential here for disaster. It is not a matter of if, just a matter of when, and how he will get caught.

My first concern would be for his wife and the children. It sound like your brother is very deeply meshed into this lifestyle, and his activities are escalating to serious criminal and health risks, that will likely crash down on his wife when it happens. If he has not contracted a STD I would be amazed, and the sex shows for other men are just bizarre! His career and his life are in danger, while his wife will take the fall the hardest.

If it were my sister in law, and my nieces and nephews...I would have to try to protect her, but that is me. I would not sit by and allow my brother to behave this way without doing something. No matter what happens, she will eventually find out, and there will be no easy way out.

Your brother needs some serious help fast. Does he openly tell you about all this? I might insist he get some help or threaten to tell his wife, then he can choose what is most important to him, and I can almost bet it wont be his family. He sounds like a very sick and confused man who is out of control.

This secret you are holding is viscous and dangerous...I would not allow myself to carry that burden for him, while he goes about trashing himself and his family without a care. I would be scared to death about what will happen next....and do you know what yo9u will say to her then? I would think about her reaction when she find out you have known about this the whole time....

What a burden you have to bear...what is this secret worth? Your families lives? I promise you, he will not get out of this smoothly, no one will.

I wish you the best, you have a lot to think about...

 
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Old 04-08-2010, 10:06 AM   #3
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Re: Sex-Family Member at Risk

I agree. She MUST be told!!! If the shoe was on the other foot and this was happening to you wouldn't you want to know? Especially this activity. That is absolutely not normal and your brother needs serious help. I would tell his wife before things get worse and she catches some disease. She needs to get herself tested for std's immediately. I know this will be extremely hard for you but think about the long run if something terrible happens. Your brother will have to understand that you are thinking about his family and his welfare. Please do this before it is too late!

 
Old 04-08-2010, 10:36 AM   #4
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Re: Sex-Family Member at Risk

If he's sharing all of these details with you, I wonder if he doesn't actually want you to step in and stop things. It's unfortunate, but it's on you to take some sort of action. In this case there are lives at stake. That might be what you mean when you say you are concerned something bad is going to happen. But bad things are already happening.

 
Old 04-08-2010, 11:29 AM   #5
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Re: Sex-Family Member at Risk

You really are in a tough position. But I think the welfare of your SIL is at stake here. If she has an STD it could be a serious one, and think of how that will effect her and the children. She has to be warned, the sooner the better.
If you can't tell her yourself, someone should. You could even send her an email posing as a work friend of his who knows everything. That way when she confronts your brother and he comes to you, you could deny telling her.
Or, just tell her yourself.
This will weigh on your conscious until someone does something. Good luck...

 
Old 04-08-2010, 12:53 PM   #6
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Re: Sex-Family Member at Risk

His wife has the right to know, and she should be tested for herpes and HIV immediately. Her very life could be at risk, not just from HIV, but from the bad people your brother hangs around. What if one of these drug addicts or dealers follows him home or finds out where he lives and wants money from him or wants to hurt him for some reason?

No, this is very abberant, very sick behavior. Your brother is very very sick. he needs an intervention. I think his wife should be told and the family should confront him. Chances are very good he's into drugs as well and will need professional help for substance and sex addiction. He's putting his whole family at risk and he doesn't have the right to do that. If he doesn't straighten up his act immediately, he deserves to lose his family. Maybe that will be the only thing to wake him up.

 
Old 04-08-2010, 07:20 PM   #7
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Re: Sex-Family Member at Risk

I would tell your brother that he is risking his and his wife's life and you are concerned because you care about your nieces and/or nephews. Then tell him if he doesn't tell her, you will.

 
Old 04-08-2010, 08:11 PM   #8
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Re: Sex-Family Member at Risk

It is very easy to say "tell her" when it is someone else's family. If I tell her, there is a big chance she won't believe me or she will "stand by her man" in which case I am ****** since I will be the person who tried to ruin their marriage. I will probably lose access to my nieces who I adore since both my sister-in-law and brother will hate me. I will definitely lose my brother since he will view my telling her as a betrayal of trust that has existed between us since birth. The stakes are too high for me to tell her. I could end up lose the people I love the most and that is not a risk I am willing to take. You wouldn't either.

 
Old 04-08-2010, 08:13 PM   #9
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Re: Sex-Family Member at Risk

Quote:
Originally Posted by goingdaffy View Post
I would tell your brother that he is risking his and his wife's life and you are concerned because you care about your nieces and/or nephews. Then tell him if he doesn't tell her, you will.
Trouble: You know your brother better than any of us. And apparently he considers you someone very close to him if he's sharing these details. But I have to tell you that I find this suggestion scary. Please be careful. Threatening someone privately can lead to some very dangerous consequences especially with someone who's life is already out of control. In the emotion of the moment and as confused as his life is, he will almost certainly see you as the threat to losing what he loves. Of course it's his behavior that's bringing the consequence but I doubt he'd be thinking clearly. I don't know if you will come back here and post again or if you are reading these posts, but I hope you read this. While I do think you are going to have to be the responsible one who takes control of this situation, I would caution you to do it very carefully and not go alone issuing what he might hear as a threat to his life and family. Honestly, it could go very bad.

-- Saw where you'd just posted right before me. Just glad you are thinking this all through..

Last edited by resolution09; 04-08-2010 at 08:15 PM.

 
Old 04-08-2010, 08:19 PM   #10
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Re: Sex-Family Member at Risk

Are you close to your sister in law? I think a lot of women do as you suggest. But, on the other hand, if you open the door to her expressing any concerns she has to you, you might be surprised at what she tells you. A lot of times women know there's trouble but if their lives look good and seem great to the outside word, they keep it very protected. Wouldn't it seem odd to you that your brother's life could be that out of control and his wife would have no idea? Could he be that different away than at home?

What do you think you should do? Have you give it thought as to what the right steps would be?

I don't envy you this situation. It's got to be pretty awful to be trying to think through.

 
Old 04-08-2010, 08:19 PM   #11
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Re: Sex-Family Member at Risk

Quote:
Originally Posted by trouble94117 View Post
It is very easy to say "tell her" when it is someone else's family. If I tell her, there is a big chance she won't believe me or she will "stand by her man" in which case I am ****** since I will be the person who tried to ruin their marriage. I will probably lose access to my nieces who I adore since both my sister-in-law and brother will hate me. I will definitely lose my brother since he will view my telling her as a betrayal of trust that has existed between us since birth. The stakes are too high for me to tell her. I could end up lose the people I love the most and that is not a risk I am willing to take. You wouldn't either.
Are you sure your SIL would hate you? For telling you the truth and protecting her? I'm not sure what other options there are. Not telling her and letting it continue? Or are you leaning towards trying to talk your brother into stopping? Will he listen to you?
Even if your brother stops and no one tells your SIL I hope for her sake she gets an HIV test.

 
Old 04-08-2010, 09:23 PM   #12
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Re: Sex-Family Member at Risk

Quote:
Originally Posted by trouble94117 View Post
It is very easy to say "tell her" when it is someone else's family. If I tell her, there is a big chance she won't believe me or she will "stand by her man" in which case I am ****** since I will be the person who tried to ruin their marriage. I will probably lose access to my nieces who I adore since both my sister-in-law and brother will hate me. I will definitely lose my brother since he will view my telling her as a betrayal of trust that has existed between us since birth. The stakes are too high for me to tell her. I could end up lose the people I love the most and that is not a risk I am willing to take. You wouldn't either.
He would be the person who tried to ruin their marriage, not you. Somehow she needs to find out. He has made you an accessory, you should be angry at him for putting you in that position, IMO. If you don't tell her and she finds out you knew all along, she will hate you. Your brother knows he is wrong and I don't see how he can blame you for his stupidity. Telling her or having someone else do it, is the right thing to do.

 
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