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Old 04-09-2010, 02:48 PM   #1
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Am i too clingy?

k well my boyfriend is from tennessee and moved here in october.. we are still looking for a place together, and currently we are living at my parents. they are ok with this. anyways, he didnt have any friends up here when he moved here, but he got a job with my cousin which he became close with. him and my cousin are good friends, and my cousin just got married and im good friends with his wife. but every single weekend he alwayz wants to hang out with them like friday nights, saturday nights, and even sunday nights. we even go over there during the week like once or twice and hang out. i know he doesnt have any other friends up here, but its gets kind of annoying and boring always hanging out with them two all of the time.. i love hanging out with them and seeing them, but we always go there and do the same thing over and over and it gets kind of old. i dont mind going there one night or hanging out with them one night on the weekends and one during the week, but 24/7 just gets annoying. if i say i dont feel like going there when he asks me, he says, fine, you stay home and ill go there... i think thats messed up. i say to him, well how about we watch a movie together tonite and get some dinner and bring it back home.. then he says, i dont feel like sitting in the bedroom watching a movie because within an hour im going to fall asleep if im laying in the bed (he works long hours)..... and it bothers me when we hang out with them sometimes, because i feel like he ignores me when were there together. he wont sit near me or anything. he will go on the computer or play video games with my cousin. i told him i felt like we werent even hanging out together when we are there, and he said, "we are in the same room as each other, we are all hanging out." but all because we are in the same room as each other, doesnt mean we are interacting and hanging out.. idk if im being too clingy or what?

 
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Old 04-09-2010, 07:44 PM   #2
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Re: Am i too clingy?

no, i dont think you are being to clingy. It sounds to me like he is very immature and has a little bit of a man crush on your cousin. Not to mention i think he is using your family a little on terms of a job and a place to stay. Listen, if I were living in my boyfriends parents house because I had nowhere else to be, and another family member had given me a job, I am pretty sure I could manage to be sensitive to almost any particular concern my boyfriend had. I think he sounds very selfish and I'm worried he will never actually settle on any place for the two of you to stay together, or worse, once you do, he will leave you to go hang out, and have all the fun while you handle all the responsibility. A real man is sensitive toward his woman's needs, even in a crowd. Sure they make mistakes.......so do women. But a good man will recognize he hurt you and appologize for it. Your boyfriend sounds more like a kid and the question shouldn't be if your too clingy because that's exactly where he wants you. Once he can convince you it's all your fault....he can walk all over you. The question should be whether or not he's right for you......which I definately dont think he is. Good luck to you!
Melissa

 
Old 04-09-2010, 08:08 PM   #3
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Re: Am i too clingy?

No you are not too clingy it is your boyfriend that is the clingy one. When you are alone sometime without your boyfriend(make time) have a conversation with the other couple and ask them how they feel about you guys always at their house. Tell them to be truthful with you. I mean aren't they like newly weds and wouldn't they want some time alone. At least talk to the gal and see what she says but your boyfriend really needs to grow up a bit and you two need to have a life of your own. It is too bad you are living together but if he doesn't want to just be with you then what do you have? I'm sorry that he needs their companionship so much but it is you that he should be wanting to spend time with.

 
Old 04-09-2010, 09:48 PM   #4
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Re: Am i too clingy?

i know. i always make jokes to his wife saying god theyre like gay together lol.. my dad only makes him give him 40 dollars a week.. he still hasnt saved any money for a place and its been 6 months and he has a full time job.. i go to school full time and am currently looking for a job. its been hard because no one is really hiring. all because im not putting money away doesnt mean he cant. it is going to be our apt., not just his. he tells me to get a job and for me to save money. hes using an excuse just cuz i dont have a job that hes not saving money. hes also saying that hes supporting me. noooo, my parents support me not him. he says that he never has any money to save cuz he spends double everytime we go out cuz he has to pay for me too, but even if i had a job he would be paying most of the time anyway cuz thats what boyfriends are supposed to do. thanks melissa, you gave me really good advice he definitely is being selfish... he has it easy right now and isnt taking advantage of what he has.. hes practically living here for free

 
Old 04-09-2010, 09:51 PM   #5
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Re: Am i too clingy?

well he says we live together and he sees me every single day when he gets home from work... he says he spends all his time with me. but i feel like we never go out alone. it is always with them, or at their apt. well my cousin and his wife had a smaller type wedding because she was pregnant. she is 7 months now. they dont mind us coming over, they like it. but sometimes when me and my boyfriend get into an argument, he will go over there (like tonight) and sleep there. she said to me she doesnt mind, but it obviously cant be for weeks or months him staying there. im 23 and my boyfriend is 24 by the way..

 
Old 04-09-2010, 09:58 PM   #6
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Re: Am i too clingy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rubyred716 View Post
well he says we live together and he sees me every single day when he gets home from work... he says he spends all his time with me. but i feel like we never go out alone. it is always with them, or at their apt. well my cousin and his wife had a smaller type wedding because she was pregnant. she is 7 months now. they dont mind us coming over, they like it. but sometimes when me and my boyfriend get into an argument, he will go over there (like tonight) and sleep there. she said to me she doesnt mind, but it obviously cant be for weeks or months him staying there. im 23 and my boyfriend is 24 by the way..

 
Old 04-09-2010, 10:04 PM   #7
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Re: Am i too clingy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rubyred716 View Post
i know. i always make jokes to his wife saying god theyre like gay together lol.. my dad only makes him give him 40 dollars a week.. he still hasnt saved any money for a place and its been 6 months and he has a full time job.. i go to school full time and am currently looking for a job. its been hard because no one is really hiring. all because im not putting money away doesnt mean he cant. it is going to be our apt., not just his. he tells me to get a job and for me to save money. hes using an excuse just cuz i dont have a job that hes not saving money. hes also saying that hes supporting me. noooo, my parents support me not him. he says that he never has any money to save cuz he spends double everytime we go out cuz he has to pay for me too, but even if i had a job he would be paying most of the time anyway cuz thats what boyfriends are supposed to do. thanks melissa, you gave me really good advice he definitely is being selfish... he has it easy right now and isnt taking advantage of what he has.. hes practically living here for free

 
Old 04-11-2010, 06:52 PM   #8
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Re: Am i too clingy?

I have put up with this kind of behavior for years! My husband and I never go out together, he's always got his own thing going. I started doing what I wanted and now he complains that I'm not paying enough attention to him! At this point, I am rediscovering myself and I'm not unhappy at all. He can do what he wants as long as I get to do what I want. It's come down to that. And at counseling the counselor always says that men need to get away sometimes. Well, you try being with kids all day and see who it is that needs to get away!

It's unfortunate because your boyfriend doesn't realize what he is doing, but he will drive you emotionally away from him. If you don't have kids, I would get out now. No need to stick around unless you are very independent and are happy being that way. If you don't like hanging out with your cousin and his wife all the time with him or don't feel comfortable when you do, I wouldn't do it. No sense in making yourself miserable just to make him happy.

 
Old 04-12-2010, 09:21 AM   #9
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Re: Am i too clingy?

rubyred,

Your boyfriend really has it MADE. He's living almost rent free, and it sounds like he is walking all over your feelings and he thinks you will never stand up to him. Somehow he feels like no one is going to tell him to change.

You need the support of your parents understanding what you are going through. Wouldn't they care more about you and your feelings than him and his free loading and the way he ignores your needs?

I would talk to your parents and tell them you are not happy. You don't need or deserve a "boyfriend" who is a child when it comes to how to act in a realtionship. Ask for their support in backing you up, then tell him that you need "him" on weekends not just the back of his head while he plays video games. You are not too clingy. He would like you to believe that you are so you will think it is your own fault for being unhappy.

Put your foot down. He has a LOT to lose, so he would be wise to shape up and wake up, before he ends up without the roof over his head he is taking for granted and the girlfriend who has been putting up with all his nonsense. You would think the guy would be doing everything in his power to show appreciation.

 
Old 04-13-2010, 03:44 PM   #10
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Re: Am i too clingy?

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Originally Posted by goingdaffy View Post
I have put up with this kind of behavior for years! My husband and I never go out together, he's always got his own thing going. I started doing what I wanted and now he complains that I'm not paying enough attention to him! At this point, I am rediscovering myself and I'm not unhappy at all. He can do what he wants as long as I get to do what I want. It's come down to that. And at counseling the counselor always says that men need to get away sometimes. Well, you try being with kids all day and see who it is that needs to get away!

It's unfortunate because your boyfriend doesn't realize what he is doing, but he will drive you emotionally away from him. If you don't have kids, I would get out now. No need to stick around unless you are very independent and are happy being that way. If you don't like hanging out with your cousin and his wife all the time with him or don't feel comfortable when you do, I wouldn't do it. No sense in making yourself miserable just to make him happy.
We dont have any kids. Well I just got a job but I only can work part time because im a full time student, so I can't get an apt. for myself because I would need his income also.. thats why were looking for a place. We'll see what happens..

 
Old 04-13-2010, 03:55 PM   #11
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Re: Am i too clingy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by River rocks View Post
rubyred,

Your boyfriend really has it MADE. He's living almost rent free, and it sounds like he is walking all over your feelings and he thinks you will never stand up to him. Somehow he feels like no one is going to tell him to change.

You need the support of your parents understanding what you are going through. Wouldn't they care more about you and your feelings than him and his free loading and the way he ignores your needs?

I would talk to your parents and tell them you are not happy. You don't need or deserve a "boyfriend" who is a child when it comes to how to act in a realtionship. Ask for their support in backing you up, then tell him that you need "him" on weekends not just the back of his head while he plays video games. You are not too clingy. He would like you to believe that you are so you will think it is your own fault for being unhappy.

Put your foot down. He has a LOT to lose, so he would be wise to shape up and wake up, before he ends up without the roof over his head he is taking for granted and the girlfriend who has been putting up with all his nonsense. You would think the guy would be doing everything in his power to show appreciation.
he knows i will stand up to him.. i say what i feel and im not scared in letting him when things need to change.. my parents tell me its my relationship and they are not getting involved because its none of their business they say..yea were gunna see how it goes for the next few weeks and if it doesnt change then its gunna be be a big decision if i wanna stay with him or not.. but he keeps saying, when you start working you will feel different because we will have time away from each other.. sometimes i feel that he alwayz wants time alone, and he always asks me if me and my cousins wife are hanging out because then he could hang out with my cousin. its weird. its like he just wants to hang out with him all the time

 
Old 04-14-2010, 05:40 AM   #12
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Re: Am i too clingy?

Well anything that is going on in someone's home is their business. Someone's child that is living under their roof is their business. So I believe your parents should be a bit more proactive in that regard.

This guy is not going to change until he feels 'threatened' that he has to. I mean why should he? He has everything going for him...free rent, probably free food at your parent's home, a tolerant girlfriend... why would he voluntarily change if he has all that? You have to be the one to say "No, no more of A, B, and C or go back to Tennessee.

I think that if it's this bad at your parent's home, it will be worse in a home you two have together. Same crap, different day.

I would really think about whether you are sure that you want to move in with this guy. Who is his #1 priority? Sadly it seems to be the cousin; not you. You know there is a saying, I don't remember the exact words, but it is something like "The person whom you spend the most time with, is the relationship you are in." Think about that.

Last edited by justkeeppraying; 04-14-2010 at 05:47 AM.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 07:30 AM   #13
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Re: Am i too clingy?

Congratulations on getting the job. That will give you an opportunity to meet more people and feel good about yourself. It's important that you don't think of yourself as a victim. I have been unemployed for some time and started thinking that people weren't hiring me because of my age. I was being turned down for part time jobs where I had 20 years of experience doing the same thing. It was especially frustrating when I would see job fairs for 15-22 year olds. I don't understand how they can get away with that! Well finally I decided if no one was going to hire me, I would start my own business. They can't stop me from doing that! If you need extra money but can only work part time, you might consider doing a business on the side. You can make extra money, go at your own pace, and work around your school schedule. This will give you more independence and keep your mind off of your boyfriend's behavior. It is possible to go to school, work part time and start your own business you just have to be selective and manage your time well.

Your boyfriend sounds like he is very eager to please others. Does he feel scared that he's not going to have any friends and has to try very hard to make a good impression on your cousin? He must really care about you, just doesn't know how to show it. He moved from Tennessee to be with you, moved in with your family and befriended your cousin. Sounds like he plans on staying with you for a while.

I would definately get into counseling. Why do your parents have such a laid back attitude about him? Do they like him that much?

Last edited by goingdaffy; 04-14-2010 at 07:33 AM.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 07:49 AM   #14
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Re: Am i too clingy?

Is this guy so charismatic that your cousin and parents can't resist him, a loser trying to take advantage, or he is really just a super nice guy who doesn't have a clue that he's making you feel the way you do? You said you tell him how you feel but why is it not getting through to him? Counseling may give you some answers.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 01:48 PM   #15
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rubyred716 HB User
Re: Am i too clingy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by justkeeppraying View Post
Well anything that is going on in someone's home is their business. Someone's child that is living under their roof is their business. So I believe your parents should be a bit more proactive in that regard.

This guy is not going to change until he feels 'threatened' that he has to. I mean why should he? He has everything going for him...free rent, probably free food at your parent's home, a tolerant girlfriend... why would he voluntarily change if he has all that? You have to be the one to say "No, no more of A, B, and C or go back to Tennessee.

I think that if it's this bad at your parent's home, it will be worse in a home you two have together. Same crap, different day.

I would really think about whether you are sure that you want to move in with this guy. Who is his #1 priority? Sadly it seems to be the cousin; not you. You know there is a saying, I don't remember the exact words, but it is something like "The person whom you spend the most time with, is the relationship you are in." Think about that.
well they tell me that Im the one who wanted him to come here, and I got myself into this relationship. My Mom also said when she hears us argue it makes her feel uncomfortable and she doesn't want to get involved.. But I do agree what what you're saying.. Well we had a talk and the past few days have been getting better.. We went to my cousin's last night and he sat with me at times, and showed me attention like rubbing my leg, saying he loves me, and giving me kisses, so we will see if it stays like this..

 
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