I worry that i would only end up being hurt again by my mother if i were to call her on her birthday. I thought that i had my mind made up but i'm really just feeling stuck over the whole thing & i really don't know how to handle the situation. Luckily my mom's birthday isn't until the end of the month so this gives me a little more time to think about it. Its really hard because God knows that i love her with all of my heart but it just doesn't seem or feel like she loves me. I have tried for 40+ yrs to show her how much i love & need her but it just seems that things will be ok between us for awhile & then she goes right back to her old mean ways again & for no reason! She loves playing head games & she loves to try to control me.
Its really a very very long story but just to give you an example of what my mom has done to me through out my life, heres just a few very hurtful things that she has done to me through the years, & every time, i forgave her because she is my mother, even though these things ripped my heart out.
1.When i was 13-14 years old our church minister molested me & when i told my mom what happened to me she did nothing & soon there after started having an affair with him herself. I forgave her but it still ripped my heart out.
2. When i was 16 years old my mother had me commited to a insane asylum because i was running away from home alot & she "thought" that i was doing drugs but i was not. While in this place i had weekly counseling with my therapist & after months of therapy i finally admitted to my therapist about being molested & about what my mom had done about it & so at my next family night counseling session, where my mom was present my therapist brought up the molestation & my mom told my therapist that i was lying about the whole thing because she wanted to protect HIM! My mom called me a liar right in front of my therapist & stormed out of her office & left. This devastated me because i spent months working with my therapist before i could reveal this secret to her & now my mom made me look like a liar! But, my therapist was awesome & she looked at me & she said to me "I believe you!".
3. When i was 17 years old i married my first husband & i thought that he & i had a good loving marriage until one day he told me that he was taking me out to my favorite restarant to eat dinner because we needed to talk. While eating he looked at me & just blurted out that he had been having an affair for the past 2 yrs! I asked him with who? I asked him, do i know her? He said "you should, shes your mother!". I immediately got up & ran out to the car & screamed for him to drive me over to my mother's house. I didn't believe him! My mother would NEVER do something like this to me! Yet i wanted to confirm it. We arrive at my mother's house & i go with her into her bedroom, as did he & i asked her if it were true & she said "yes!". I was crushed & devastated!
And i could go on & on of the hurtful, hateful things that she has done to me & put me through but this gives you an idea of how bad it truely is. And believe me, it gets worse. After 40+ years of loving her unconditionally & feeling like i have to beg for her love & recieve her love but only on her terms i just tired of it. The stress & heartache of it all was making me physically sick inside & so back in April of last year i stopped speaking to her. She has tried calling me on several occassions but i wont answer the phone & she has sent many packages of presents & gifts & i still ignore her. Because i know that she has not changed. And its just too hurtful & devastating to go there with her again. It hurts me so very much but its been easier for me to just ignore her. I do sometimes feel like i may regret this one day, if she should pass away because she is 60+ yrs & not in the best of health anymore but i'm just so terrified of being hurt again. So there you have it. Its not pretty but i wanted to share this with you so that you have a better understanding of the situation.
Last edited by mod-anon; 04-11-2010 at 07:14 AM.
Reason: starting a new thread with this post.
Why do you want to continue a relationship with a person who continually hurts you and brings you 'down'?? Seems as if your mother delights in hurting and causing you pain.
I had a similar situation with my mother for many, many years. Most of my life we did not even speak to each other. And, when I would try to rebuild a relationship she had similar behavior as your mother. Finally, I just could not take it any longer. I locked all the doors to my house, would not answer the telephone or doorbell, and completely cut off any relationship. During the last ten years of her life we didn't even see each other. Although I felt guilt at the time -- I also had peace of mind and not being ridiculed. And, even to this day I have absolutely no regrets for my behavior. I did the best I could for many years -- and she tried to trample all over me --- very similar to your mother.
It sounds as if you, too, have tried for many years to rebuild this relationship. Just because this person is your mother does not mean she loves you. Or, pershaps, in a twisted way, she does love you, but not in a way most people would recognize love.
When I was about 60 years old I found my mother blamed me for her 'having' to get married!!!
If you feel you need to communicate birthday wishes to her, I would suggest sending a nice card. Friendship and love are two-way streets.
I agree you should just cut her out of your life and not put up with it anymore. What's the point? She has proven her worthlessness time and time again, it would take a huge miracle for her to change at this point.
If you feel compelled to acknowledge her birthday (why bother?) then instead of calling and giving her a chance to hurt you again, just send her a card. But I would find the most generic birthday card I could find that has absolutely no sentimental message and send her that one. Or find one that is funny but insulting toward her age or her declining mental capacity due to her age with a picture of a chimpanzee on it or something.
I agree that just sending a card will suffice. I have a very similar relationship with my mother, she has done nothing but hurt me all of my life, has people believing lies about me, has even told close friends of mine lies and I have lost them as close friends, even my brother. Anyway, just send a card and not a sentimental one, I always look for one that is not sentimental because I don't want her to think I am sentimental about her because I am not, but I do not want to feel guilty when she dies, so I do stay in touch. Best of luck.
I am so sorry for the pain you have had to endure with your mother.
Regarding her birthday. I have been sitting here thinking on it and what
type of reply I will have to your post? I would not want you be hurt again
Being she is sending gifts and presents says she wants contact but again
what type of contact? If inevitably she is going to hurt you again, were you
to make contact, then I would stay at arms lengths with her.
Angelique you mentioned loving her with all your heart and I believe you
do. Still does not make this all any easier does it.
What type of childhood did your mom have with her mother? Was it similar
to the one she has with you? Regardless protect yourself and emotions
best you can. You deserve it.
The therapist that you were mentioning that DID support and believe you.
Is there anyone now in your life that believes in you and supports you?
Are your close friends understanding and of support to you?
I hope this thread is of support to you.
Allergic to Shellfish
*all are being treated*
but not with perfect success.
Last edited by mod-anon; 04-11-2010 at 08:52 PM.
Reason: removed quote
Angelique43 ...... my heart truly goes out to you. I can't even imagine what your life, with a mother like that, would be like. I truly understand your longing for a mother, but she has proven again and again that she lacks compassion for almost anyone, or possible anything in her pathetic life as a mother.
I had a good friend who told me stories of her mother's verbal abuse, because her mother was an alcoholic. She too, went through life hurt, disappointed and confused as to why.
Realizing you have to follow your own heart, if I were in your shoes, I would send her a card every occasion I possibly could and remind her of the wonderful child she pushed out of her life, and sign the card.....
Your mom sounds a bit like mine, except mine didn't go to those extremes. Mine too was jealous of me (and yours is, judging by the way she goes after everything that she thinks is yours) and when I was 17 she finally revealed why...it's a long story which I won't relate here, but it "explained" why she resented me so. It was nothing I could have possibly controlled, but she blamed me anyway.
My mom passed away 17 years ago. While I feel sad and guilty that we never got to really repair our relationship, I had to realize that most of what happened occurred when I was a child and I could not be responsible for what an adult (my mother) did to a child (me). I had to make peace, otherwise I'd walk around feeling horribly guilty for the rest of my life.
So the card is a good idea. I too would choose generic cards (such as one that said "Hope you have a wonderful birthday"), not a sappy "What is a Mother??" type card that listed sentiments that were completely foreign to me in my situation. That way you've acknowledged the birthday without exposing yourself to more insults, ridicule and blame.
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
I am so sorry that your mom has been so cruel to you over your lifetime. You know there is nothing in the 'rule book' (if there was one) that says you have to love your mother and there is nothing that says you have to forgive her either. Mothers like anyone else have to earn the love of their children and it seems to me that she is the one that is the mentally ill one and should of been the one locked up. If I were you I would try to erase her from my mind...at the very least feel good about trying to distance yourself from her...you don't owe her anything. You are not obligated to call her or answer her calls...I would return all her gifts and and not accept anything ever again from her. I would probably send her a short note that tells her why you want nothing more to do with her. You have every right to tell her how you really feel but if you can't that's ok too. Her health is her problem not yours and if she dies never feel guilty about not having contacted her in her last days. She gave birth to you but certainly never acted like a mom should and that was to protect you at any cost and instead she tortured you and that is not someone you love...that is someone to stay away from. My husbands mother was mean and cruel to him over his lifetime so he too tried to be nice to her but he had to stop all contact with her and she now is also ill and probably will die soon but he will not go to her funeral or contact her in anyway. No matter what he did for her she always made him feel guilty about whatever...I would see her in action so many times and all I can say is I support whatever he decides is best for him. She doesn't deserve his love and attention. So for you.... never feel you are the only one that feels this way there are thousands of men and women that agonize over this same issue and so please allow yourself to let go of her and never ever feel guilty. Good luck to you.
Wow, and I thought my mother was nuts.. I feel really bad for you..
I would not send her a card, I would not telephone her, I would have no contact with her, she doesn't deserve your attention in any shape or form..
That's just my opinion and that's what I would do.. no contact whatsoever..
Do you expect her to change? Because I seriously doubt that will ever happen. People don't change, people can learn better ways to deal with their problems but first they have to be capable of taking a good look at themselves first in order to try to better themselves..
I wouldn't send a card not contact her in any way. Why would you contact someone who has been so cruel to you? My mother was extremely mean to me and jealous of me, but she didn't go to the extremes that your mother did. I really, really feel for you. Your mother doesn't deserve to have you as her daughter and I would write her off. you have given her chances to change, but she hasn't and most likely never will. A lot of cyber hugs to you!
Hi Everybody ! ! !
I want to thank each & every one of you for your replies & for your words of kindness & support. You just don't know how much i truely do appreciate it. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It just really touches my heart that you all would take the time to reply to my post.
Why can't my mother be this kind & caring? Its something that i guess i'll never understand if i live to be 100! I'm 44 now & i just don't understand how a woman that carried me in her womb & nurtured me for 9 mo. could be so cruel & even hateful. Living with a mother like her has not been an easy task! But no matter what she did or said to me to hurt me i still loved her. Isn't it just sad what some people (Me) will do & allow just to feel loved?
It all actually started at a very young age. My mom was not like any other mother i had ever known. She was really strange & off in her thinking & reasoning & i just could never figure her out as to why she behaved the way that she did. It just seemed that she was very paranoid & untrusting. Our family was just so dysfunctional & i & my two brothers noticed this from a very young age & always wondered, what is wrong with her ! ?
For example, my mom would rarely ever let us go outside to play. And on the rare occassions that she did there would be strict conditions & drills before we were ever allowed out of the door. First, my brothers & i would have to nag & beg her for what seemed like hours just to get her to say yes & then once she said yes she would start calling all of us really rotten dirty names that i can not say on here but they were the worst vulger names i had ever heard! My father always had to be home. If he wasn't home my mother did not let us outside. She told us the reason for this was because if we were to get hurt & have to go to the hospital that there would be nobody there to take us since she didnt drive & she also said that she didnt want to have to chase after us if we were to take off on her, whatever that meant. So, dad had to be present.
Next came the drill & the warning. If you kids do anything that you're not supposed to do, take off, go to the neighbors, talk to the neighbors, play in the dirt, go out in the road, go in the back yard, or go past the neighbor's mail box, you will be called in & have your a$$ busted! We were only allowed to go as far as our next door neighbor's mail box, then turn around & come back, on our bikes. We were not allowed to ride our bikes in the road, which was pretty humiliating since our neighbors were only 5 & 6 yrs old & they were allowed out in road & around the block, etc. We could not go anywhere where my mom could not see us, including our own back yard because she said that she couldn't see us back there & because my dads vegetable garden was back there & she didnt want us tearing it up. Why would we do that ? ! It just never made any sense to us.
We couldn't talk to our neighbors because my mom told us that they were all two faced & that she didnt like them & she didnt want us kids blabbing her business to any of them. What business would that be ! ? So, we never had any friends. While everybody else had friends & parties for birthdays & sleep overs & such, we never did! We couldnt even have any friends over if we would have had any friends. All of our neighbors always asked us "whats wrong with your folks?" "Why wont they let you go past the mail box or let yous talk to us"? On several occassions the neighbor parents would come knock on our door & ask my mom if we could go to the park with them & their children, or go to see the fire works, or go to get ice cream, or go to the beach, etc. But my mom always told them no. We always wanted to go soooo bad! We would just cry! Because our parents rarely took us anywhere. We were always locked up inside of the house like hermits. Our neighbors would always tell us that they felt so bad for us. It was so humiliating!
And i always promised myself that if i ever had children that i would never treat them this way & that i would always let them go outside to play in the sunshine. And i kept my promise to myself! I always let my son have friends & sleep overs & go swimming & go bike riding & everything that i was denied as a child. I gave my son guidlines & structure but i also gave him FREEDOM! And lots of LOVE!
My parents never did anything with us. Never went to the movies, swimming, out to eat, family reunions, NOTHING! Why does a person do this? And we had such stupid rules. We couldnt go into the kitchen, we couldn't get into the refridgerator, couldn't go into my parents bedroom, couldnt go outside except for what i previously mentioned. During the hot summer nights we couldnt have our bedroom window open for air, but my parents did, plus they had a fan too!
We were not allowed to get up during the middle of the night to get a drink of water if we woke up hot or thirsty. On several occassions i would wait until my parents were asleep & i would sneak into the kitchen & drink water that was already in a glass that had been just sitting in the sink because i was thirsty & i didn't want my mom to hear me turning the water on.
You all know how children get colds all the time when they are little? Well whenever my brothers or i had colds & we would start coughing at bed time or in the middle of the night my mom would threaten to come into our rooms & whip us if we didnt stop coughing & go to sleep! How do you stop coughing ? Also, at bed time my mother always made us face the wall. Never understood why.
We were only allowed 1 bath per week & made to wear the same clothes for 2 days at a time & we always got teased at school for that. My son takes 2-3 showers a day! Changes his clothes the same! I just dont understand what she was thinking ? !
We never got to go anywhere with them. Whenever they would go grocery shopping they would drop us off at my grandparents house. My grandparents were alot nicer to us & they always let us go outside to play! About the only thing good that i can say about my mom is that she fed us 3 meals a day, even if we were being forced to eat things we didnt like. We always got nice gifts on Christmas, which in my mind, said that she must love us.
I remember growing up & feeling so sad for my dad though because every chance my mom got she was openly & often times right in front of us kids & our neighbors, cheating on my dad. Often times as soon as my dad was out the door & heading for work my moms boyfriend was already parked around the corner & waiting. My mom used to take me with her alot with her & her boyfriend. I never understood why because they would always drop me off at his mother's house & they would leave, i never knew where they went but now that i'm much older, i'm guessing they were going to a hotel. I always felt so bad for my dad because my mom would go in her bedroom & close the door & talk & laugh & carry on, on the telephone with her boyfriend while my dad was home....
I need a break now so i will write more tomorrow. Thanks to everybody whos listening. It feels good to get it out. Thanks again.
My mom always had this thing that she did, that SHE always thought was cute & funny. She was known for it. She called it her "Knucklecracker". She would double up her fist, only leaving her middle finger sticking out, just the knuckle, & hit us kids in the head if we did something or said something that she didn't like. She would also threaten us with it.
I tell you all these things so that you may see exactly why i am having such a hard time deciding if i should call her on her birthday. I've told you alot of what my childhood was like & i'll tell more tomorrow plus into my adult life.
Last edited by mod-anon; 04-19-2010 at 10:20 PM.
Reason: added paragraph breaks
Did you ever have a relationship with your mother's mother (your grandmother) that might explain her behavior? It is very much possible that your mother was abused also, which could explain her bizarre behavior. Even so, the behavior isn't right, and you deserve a better mom.
Yes, i tried to but my grandma always was mean & nasty acting towards me but i know, from having a very long discussion with my uncle (moms brother) that they had a very normal, loving relationship. I asked my uncle because i thought that maybe this may have been the case too.