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Old 04-11-2010, 01:03 PM   #1
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Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memories?

My college boyfriend and I dated for 4 years. We always had this strong connection to one another but could not get the relationship part to work. We broke up but still were sleeping together even though we started dating other people. Neither of us wanted to say goodbye, but I finally got up the courage to walk away and told him I couldn't see him anymore. I moved on and got married and had kids. I'm now divorced but things are okay.

In February I got a friend request on the FB site from my college ex. I was shocked as I never prepared myself to ever be in contact with him again. He ended up marrying the girl he was dating while we were still seeing each other. We started emailing and catching up on our lives. This has thrown me for a loop because all of these memories came flooding back. I remembered everything about us. All our conversations and every intimate detail. We exchanged numbers and talked on the phone once. He told me he thinks we met too young and if he had met me later things would have turned out differently. I started thinking about him every day and it became too much. I sent him an email saying the memories are too much and since he is married now it would be best to stop talking. I removed him as my friend on FB and tried to forget about it.

I didn't hear anything else from him for 3 weeks and then yesterday he text me again. He doesn't understand why I unfriended him. Even though it's been years I still know my ex. The text is a means to stay in contact with me. I've been thinking about him a lot and I believe he has been thinking about me. My head is saying tell him again to stop contacting me but my heart is saying I miss him and don't want to go any more years of not having him in my life.

Is it normal to still having feelings for an ex? I doubt my ex would ever want to hurt his wife but I think he has been looking to contact me for awhile just didn't know where I was. Does it mean he misses me in his life?

 
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Old 04-11-2010, 01:38 PM   #2
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

You didn't have a relationship the first time around, it was just sex, so what's the point of being friends again? Especially since he is married now. I think it would be better for you if you don't start being friends again. It's not going to bring anything positive into your life so it's pointless.

 
Old 04-11-2010, 01:39 PM   #3
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

It doesn't matter one bit what it "means" by him contacting you. What does matter is that this is a married man inappropriately making contact with an ex-girlfriend. The fact that he continues to contact you even after you told him it caused you pain speaks volumes about the kind of man he is. He completely disregarded your wishes and continued on because, apparently, this is what he wants.

And what does his wife have to say about him contacting you on F-Book and texting you? Oh, I bet she doesn't know, does she?

Think about how you would feel if your husband or BF was contacting an ex on F-Book and gathering his ex's phone numbers to text them. I bet it would hurt...a lot.

I advise you stick to your guns and end all contact. Block his number from your phone and do not re-add him as a friend. Unless you want to be the "emotional affair" of a married man, which can cause you nothing but more pain.
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Old 04-11-2010, 02:49 PM   #4
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

No good will come of this...stop talking.
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Old 04-11-2010, 02:51 PM   #5
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

Well I think you're right on track that this is a problem, because if you have to think twice about it, then it probably isn't a good idea.. If he meant nothing more than just to say "hi," then why isn't he respecting your wishes? This is a mess in the making, and not worth it. stick to your guns. You deserve a man that sticks to his promises, and intends to keep vows he may make during his wedding with you. (otherwise, if you end up with him, how would you know that he ever meant what he said, and would stay loyal to you?)

 
Old 04-11-2010, 03:07 PM   #6
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

Is it normal to have feelings for an ex? Absolutely.

You still need to stop talking to him. He is married and out of respect for his marriage you need to walk away now. His wife would be hurt to find he is talking to you, and it would cause marital strife. Don't be a homewrecker. Do the right thing and walk away.

 
Old 04-11-2010, 04:34 PM   #7
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

Delete the emails, block him and image him like he probably is (fat, bald and old). He's married and so it's OVER! (Sorry if I offended anyone about the fat, bald and old statement).

 
Old 04-12-2010, 09:21 AM   #8
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

Quote:
Originally Posted by goingdaffy View Post
Delete the emails, block him and image him like he probably is (fat, bald and old). He's married and so it's OVER! (Sorry if I offended anyone about the fat, bald and old statement).
lol. Oh goingdaffy...if it were only that easy. He looks exactly the same as he did in college. Great body from working out, still has his hair, very attractive, and makes over 6 figures.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I am holding strong and not going to be a homewrecker as someone put it. If I ever find out his wife is cheating on him or not treating him right, all bets are off though. lol!

Thanks again!

 
Old 04-12-2010, 10:11 AM   #9
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

Oh boy...I'm trying to find a polite way to say this...but it's not really for you to decide that his wife isn't "treating him right". All bets should be off as far as married men go. They should be strictly off-limits until papers are filed. I mean, think of it this way...what if some random woman decided YOU weren't treating your husband or BF right, so they thought it was fine to go after him? Not too nice, is it?

And realize that most men (and women) who cheat tell their affairs that their spouse doesn't understand them, they don't sleep together, there's no "connection" any longer, they are living separate lives...I've had a couple of my friends' husbands tell their affairs those things. Turns out, the husband neglected to mention to the wife that anything was wrong. They just said it to get the other woman to sleep with them. So, use extreme caution, because you don't want to be relegated to some married guy's sneaking on the side fling.
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Old 04-12-2010, 10:25 AM   #10
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

Imagine what his wife would think - and he's sneaking around talking to some other woman (you).

What makes you think he wouldn't sneak around on you?
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Old 04-12-2010, 10:28 AM   #11
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

I agree with Redneon82, there are two sides of the story. Most men who have affairs don't have any intentions of leaving their wives. And when there are kids involved, that is so sad.

Last edited by goingdaffy; 04-12-2010 at 10:30 AM.

 
Old 04-12-2010, 11:00 AM   #12
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
Oh boy...I'm trying to find a polite way to say this...but it's not really for you to decide that his wife isn't "treating him right". All bets should be off as far as married men go. They should be strictly off-limits until papers are filed. I mean, think of it this way...what if some random woman decided YOU weren't treating your husband or BF right, so they thought it was fine to go after him? Not too nice, is it?

And realize that most men (and women) who cheat tell their affairs that their spouse doesn't understand them, they don't sleep together, there's no "connection" any longer, they are living separate lives...I've had a couple of my friends' husbands tell their affairs those things. Turns out, the husband neglected to mention to the wife that anything was wrong. They just said it to get the other woman to sleep with them. So, use extreme caution, because you don't want to be relegated to some married guy's sneaking on the side fling.
I totally agree...100 pervecnt with Reds post above!!!
Men who have affairs so often tell the other woman they are being treated poorly by their wifes, usually just to get sympathy and attention from the other woman!!

I commend you for having that inner voice tell you to stop contact. Listen to it! It is the right thing to do.

Last edited by River rocks; 04-12-2010 at 11:01 AM.

 
Old 04-12-2010, 11:10 AM   #13
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

Your instincts are correct stay away from him. He is married and it makes no difference if he is happy or not in his marriage you need to move away from him or it will just bring you heartache. We all had past loves but they are past for a reason and just enjoy the feelings you feel but move on to fresh pastures. You just don't need a married guy in your life...he needs to figure out his own things instead of complicating yours...My guess is that he contacting all his old loves just waiting for someone to keep him happy...and shame on him for doing this to his wife she deserves better and instead of feeling flattered that he contacted you...you should be upset that he is being mean and cruel to his own family. You are finally emotionally healthy just keep moving forward and stop all the interaction with him and you don't owe him another explanation...you already told him to stop.

 
Old 04-12-2010, 11:25 AM   #14
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Re: Old college boyfriend who is now married contacted me. Confused with these memori

Vallady - I can actually see both sides of this. On the one hand, he IS married. If you were totally over the romantic side of your relationship with this man and really just wanted nothing more than platonic friendship, and that's all he wanted, and his wife knew and was cool with it, then I'd say no problem. But that's not what's really going on here, is it?

BUT...on the other hand, I can name off the top of my head five women everyone knows who have been happily, blissfully married for years, decades in some cases, to men who were married to the wrong woman when they met. It happens. Sometimes you make a mistake and marry the wrong person and are stuck with the wrong person when your soul mate comes along. These five men fell in love with these women, divorced their wives and are now very happily mated with the women they left their wives for. I don't think any of these women schemed and connived to get these men away from their wives, I think the love that formed just happened. Four of these five women I'm thinking of are Christian, God-fearing women. I don't think any actual sex happened before the divorces happened, well, in four of the five cases, but they just fell in love. One guy even asked his ex wife for her blessing to marry the woman he left her for, and she gave it. She knew he loved her, had really loved her for a long time, and she made him happy in a way he had never been happy before. It's sad that the ex wife is in her late 40s and still alone, and probably always will be, with three teenagers worth of baggage, but you know, that's life. I personally don't think there's really anything that noble in denying yourself happiness and being with your soul mate just because he happens to be married to the wrong woman at the time, and expecting him to stay languishing in a miserable marriage.

Is that what's going on here? I don't know. I think most likely he has no idea the feelings he's stirred up in you and is probably just a little bored in his married life and is looking for a little spice. I think you have to look out after your own interests. Conduct yourself like a lady and be fair. It sounds like you want to and intend to continue contact with him, even though you told him to stop contacting you. Do you think you could be just friends with him and be a friend TO him without being hurt or upset at the fact that he's married? That's playing with fire, but I think if you value the friendship and can just be his friend without really expecting anything more, then fine. Though his wife should be in on the fact that he's in contact with you. Now, even though you've had all these feelings for him rekindled, you didn't really say anything in your post to indicate even the possibility of his feeling the same about you. After all, he is married, and you must keep that in mind, for your own sake as much as anyone else's. A certain famous sports figure now has mistresses coming out of the woodwork like termintes, and some of them are saying how he owes them an apology. well, no, he doesn't. They knew he was married. You mess with a married man, I mean have sexual relations with him knowing what the score is, you are really asking to get used and hurt. No matter what you decide to do, be honest, and be a lady.

 
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