I have been married to a wonderful man for 20 years, however he is very messy and I am no longer able to cope with it. I am anxious all the time, I now want to leave so i do not have to deal with it anymore. I feel
like i cannot be who I am suppose to be and he is just being who he was made to be. The two lifestyles are incongruent. I guess over the years I developed stratagies to live with it, i I no longer can..HELP ME please.
It's hard when one person is less housebroken then the other. I like things to be a particular way and if not, I'm crabby, anxious, frustrated, and I can even get down right mean. However, I cant make somebody else be less messy, and neither can you. You have three choices. You can leave because of the mess, learn to live with it, or hire a maid. If you stay, you have to realize that the two of you have a different set of priorities, and organization is not one that your husband shares. It's a rare man who does, I have met vary few. Not that they dont exist, but mostly they just seem to operate on a more here and now level. They are hungry so they get the toaster and make toast. They dont think to put it away, wipe the crumbs and the bits of jelly splattered on the counter because they met their need. The thought goes no farther. However, I would like to add, no matter how madening this can be, if that is the WORST thing you have had to deal with in 20 years of marraige.......consider yourself blessed and get over it. Best of luck!
I have a co-worker who is a fairly newly-wed, and she and her husband have reached what I believe is a great compromise. She has her room and he has his. Of course, they sleep in the same room, but he keeps all his stuff in one bedroom and she keeps hers in the other. He promises to keep his door closed and she promises to not try to deal with his mess. His mess is his problem, not hers. If he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper, she washes them. If he leaves them on his bedroom floor, she doesn't.
Sounds good to me! Any chance this could work for you?
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
You're probably around my age now if you've been married 20 years. You are probably going through a time when you need to rediscover and make more time for yourself. Hiring a maid might give you more time and be worth the money. You will have more time for yourself and he can keep living like a slob. If he doesn't want you to spend the money on maidservice, then he might be willing to pick up after himself.
I had the same problem. I stopped doing his laundry for him. I would post notes for certain chores I needed help with and fuss. His parents are more than messy honey. They are nasty. I noticed the longer we were married the worse it became. I really thought about living as well. I left for a oceanfront week to address my life. He came for the weekend and we talked. Life has been better for me. If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything.
Wow. I can't believe the suggestion of leaving is even on the table. Just because he's messy? Seriously?
If you're "anxious all the time" just because he's messy, I think you have some other mental issues going on that maybe you could address with a therapist.
I'm also the neat-freak within my relationship with my wife, but that doesn't impact our relationship at all. If it was up to her, she'd leave clothes all over the bedroom, dirty dishes in the sink, stuff all around the living room, etc., and if it was up to me, everything would be perfectly in place all the time. So, we are usually somewhere in the middle. I do most of the cleaning, but she's conscious of doing things like hanging up her jacket when coming home, instead of throwing it on the couch, etc.
If something like this was a hindrance to our marriage, I don't think we'd last very long. Sheesh.
Yes, I also think there are other issues going on.. One doesn't leave a person just because they are messy, especially after 20 years of it unless this is something new from the husband.. Even then, there are ways to work that out...
I've been married only one year. My husband will leave his shoes and clothes right where he takes them off!! It drives me crazy.
BUT.. If after 20 years this will be my biggest problem, I will consider myself to have had a pretty damn good marriage.