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Old 04-14-2010, 08:00 AM   #1
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Unhappy I messed up... I need help.

My girlfriend of 9 months just broke up with me after she thought that I broke up with her.

I need her back.

I haven't been very supportive as I was in the beginning, I was supposed to move in with her and help her with money and bills with purchases we made together.

I live 300 miles away from her and she drove to see me every weekend. Putting thousands of miles on her car. I have no car, which I've been waiting to get.

I'm a student and haven't been in school the last semester, I live with my mother who's been helping me out for awhile now while I've been going to school.

I don't have a job and was planning to move in with my now ex, I was going to get a job after I moved all of my stuff is with her and now she wants me to get it. I was supposed to move there in January.

After she broke up with me I went 3 days without sleeping and watching 3 seasons of lost. kinda funny... It took her breaking up with me to show me how big of an ******* I really am and how much I haven't been helping her.

I got comfortable with her taking care of things and she found out she was losing her job and still I've been here taking my time on moving.

I don't know what to do, I've eaten half a banana in 3 days and just woke up after sleeping for 15 hours after 3 days of no sleep.

I know I need to change but I don't know how... I'll do anything to get back with her. I know I can take care of her and I know I want to support her and make her feel safe.

I don't know where to start... I've only been going to college for half a year so I don't have much of an education.

I need to know what I can do that will show her I still care even though she keeps telling me that things just aren't working out when 2 days before she kept telling me how much she loved me and missed me.

If you want to know what I did right before she broke up with me I called her a liar for not coming home when she said she would, which she was at her sisters dads house for the weekend helping her deal with her divorce. And she sent me a message over face book telling me that she wouldn't be home another day. And I called her a liar and she left...

I just need some advice, I'll take anything.

Be as critical or helpful as possible... ask me anything and I'll answer anything anyone needs to know to help me be a better person for her.

Last edited by FearUntilClear; 04-14-2010 at 08:10 AM. Reason: Missing Info

 
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Old 04-14-2010, 08:08 AM   #2
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

You should start by taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. Eat 3 meals a day, get rest, or you will make yourself physically and emotionally ill.

Once you have yourself fed and rested, consider how to approach her. Perhaps you should travel 300 miles to see her. Do the things that she did for you.

If you intend to move to be near her, start looking for a job where you will be living. Women need to be supported equally emotionally and financially.

If living together isn't an option, get a place close to her but still give her the space she needs.

I would do these things not only for her, but for you. Don't hinge your decisions on getting her back, but making yourself a better person.

You will be happier in the long run.
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Old 04-14-2010, 08:18 AM   #3
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FearUntilClear View Post
If you want to know what I did right before she broke up with me I called her a liar for not coming home when she said she would, which she was at her sisters dads house for the weekend helping her deal with her divorce. And she sent me a message over face book telling me that she wouldn't be home another day. And I called her a liar and she left...
Sounds like you gave her a punch when she was already down, so to speak. Here she was, selflessly dedicating herself to help her sister deal with an enormously emotional life-changing event, and you're only thinking of yourself and calling her a liar.

Yea, that sounds bad, but it also means that her response--leaving you--may have been somewhat of a knee-jerk reaction. Which is good for you.

Start making amends.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 08:28 AM   #4
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

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Originally Posted by caberg View Post
Sounds like you gave her a punch when she was already down, so to speak. Here she was, selflessly dedicating herself to help her sister deal with an enormously emotional life-changing event, and you're only thinking of yourself and calling her a liar.

Yea, that sounds bad, but it also means that her response--leaving you--may have been somewhat of a knee-jerk reaction. Which is good for you.

Start making amends.
I've tried talking to her... she either doesn't respond or responds with stop and that it's over that we aren't right for each other.

But I know that's not true... we've been happy every time we're together. My friend even joked the other night when I called her and called us the super couple... I just want a second chance.

When I apologize, she just tells me she doesn't want to point blame and that I'm better off without her. She wouldn't even call me to end it or meet up with me.

Just told me to call when I want to get my stuff from her.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 08:30 AM   #5
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

You're right though... I was selfish and only after this have I realized how selfish I've really been for months.

Even when she got word of losing her job I kept asking her why she wasn't looking for a new job instead of trying to find reasons why she shouldn't be losing her job.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 08:58 AM   #6
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

Viewing your situation from a third party perspective, she is probably trying to do what's best for her in her decision to leave you. Here is how I see your situation from a third party perspective.

You have no job, no income, no vehicle, no education, and you're dependent on your mom.

As a woman, I would not find these traits in a man desirable. And we haven't even gotten into the behavior side of things and how you've treated her.

I think that unless you do a complete turn around and work hard to obtain some independence, you're going to have a very hard time getting her back.
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Old 04-14-2010, 09:07 AM   #7
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

You calling her a liar is probably just the last straw, it wasn't what caused the break up it was all of the other stuff combined.

Get your own life in order. Get a job and do what you have to do and then contact her and see if she willing to give it another try. But, don't pester her. Let her know that you are here for her if she needs you but don't constantly beg her to take you back. If she doesn't want you back then just move on and learn from your mistakes going into the next relationship.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 09:38 AM   #8
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kewlgirl View Post
Viewing your situation from a third party perspective, she is probably trying to do what's best for her in her decision to leave you. Here is how I see your situation from a third party perspective.

You have no job, no income, no vehicle, no education, and you're dependent on your mom.

As a woman, I would not find these traits in a man desirable. And we haven't even gotten into the behavior side of things and how you've treated her.

I think that unless you do a complete turn around and work hard to obtain some independence, you're going to have a very hard time getting her back.
It's not like these were things she didn't know coming in to the relationship.

She knew these things about me.

I just thought that it was okay... or at least she made them seem okay. Borderline enabled it. I always told her I felt bad for her supporting me the way she was and telling her I didn't want to eat out or go places and have her pay and she always told me the same thing. That it didn't matter to her... I don't think she meant that now.

And I really was moving to get a job and go to school up there.

I've just been trying to get a car...

I just need to know what I can do to show her that she made a mistake.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 09:43 AM   #9
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

she knew those things and probably wasn't nuts about the situation, but she was ok with it, but then when you started treating her bad and calling her a liar, that was the straw that broke the camels back.
what do you have going for you?
what can you offer her?
why would she be better off with you than without you?
these are questions you need to ask yourself......personally I don't really think SHE made a mistake.....I think you did.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 09:54 AM   #10
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
she knew those things and probably wasn't nuts about the situation, but she was ok with it, but then when you started treating her bad and calling her a liar, that was the straw that broke the camels back.
what do you have going for you?
what can you offer her?
why would she be better off with you than without you?
these are questions you need to ask yourself......personally I don't really think SHE made a mistake.....I think you did.
I don't have much going for me right now... I can offer her anything she needs. I did make a mistake, and I believe that I do deserve a second chance. I believe everyone does. I didn't mean to get this way... I see her being better with me because she never got my full potential. It's not that I didn't want to give her my all, it's just that I wasn't able being so far away from her. I care about her so much... I don't know why I called her a liar that night, I just missed her and wanted her to come home. I'm not always able to show my feelings the way they actually feel. I just thought she would come home knowing I was upset at her, rather than come home knowing I just really missed her. :\

I did make the mistake. I made a mistake, but she never talked about anything with me as far as being unhappy or what she expected out of me.

And I know that sounds like a cop out of my responsibilities... but it isn't. I just wish something had been said, and now I'm here alone can't sleep or eat depressed more than I've ever been. Without knowing what to do, or why she wont tell me what to do.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 09:58 AM   #11
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

ok good, that's progress.....you know you made a mistake and you've admitted it.....maybe that's the approach you should take....
apologize to her for YOUR mistake instead of trying to convince her that she made a mistake by breaking up with you.
maybe you can write her a letter?

 
Old 04-14-2010, 10:04 AM   #12
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
ok good, that's progress.....you know you made a mistake and you've admitted it.....maybe that's the approach you should take....
apologize to her for YOUR mistake instead of trying to convince her that she made a mistake by breaking up with you.
maybe you can write her a letter?
I would do anything.

Would she even see the letter any differently than a text or an email? :\

 
Old 04-14-2010, 10:44 AM   #13
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

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Originally Posted by FearUntilClear View Post
It's not like these were things she didn't know coming in to the relationship.

She knew these things about me.

I just thought that it was okay... or at least she made them seem okay. Borderline enabled it.

This bothers me a bit.
Here you are, saying that you know you screwed up and you would do anything to get her back. In the same breath you are still saying "well, she knew how I was". Unacceptable.

Look, I'm not trying to be harsh. I feel for you in your situation. But put it this way....
If SHE had written a post on the board, telling us the story from HER end, every single one of us here who try to offer help would be telling her she was right to end it. You took advantage of her plain and simple. Hindsight is 20/20...its too bad so many people don't have the same 20/20 while in the relationship.
Sometimes it takes hard knocks and losses for people to learn to pull themselves up by the boot strings. Take this as one of them. Let her go and get on with making your life better. She deserves it as do you.

You are not going to make her life better by getting her back while you are still dependant. Work on yourself first before putting her in the position of taking care of you again. You will feel like a better person for it.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 10:52 AM   #14
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

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Originally Posted by River rocks View Post
This bothers me a bit.
Here you are, saying that you know you screwed up and you would do anything to get her back. In the same breath you are still saying "well, she knew how I was". Unacceptable.

Look, I'm not trying to be harsh. I feel for you in your situation. But put it this way....
If SHE had written a post on the board, telling us the story from HER end, every single one of us here who try to offer help would be telling her she was right to end it. You took advantage of her plain and simple. Hindsight is 20/20...its too bad so many people don't have the same 20/20 while in the relationship.
Sometimes it takes hard knocks and losses for people to learn to pull themselves up by the boot strings. Take this as one of them. Let her go and get on with making your life better. She deserves it as do you.

You are not going to make her life better by getting her back while you are still dependant. Work on yourself first before putting her in the position of taking care of you again. You will feel like a better person for it.
Meaning I never gave her a false impression of myself. I never lied to her about the person I was.

Things haven't moved as fast as they should have... yeah... but things were going to change.

I don't expect things to be back to normal. I just want a chance to show her I can change the way she needs me to and deserved from the beginning and can be a better person for her.

Giving up on the relationship isn't an option for me. I know things can work out.

 
Old 04-14-2010, 11:07 AM   #15
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Re: I messed up... I need help.

I agree with everything on page 2. If you want to change, you need to change for you. You changing for her may not even make a difference because that is not the issue. She probably saw a lack of enthusiasm on your part and the whole liar thing, like someone mentioned, was the last straw. Sometimes, us women date men thinking that we can change them. So while she knew what you were and what you weren't, 9 months down the road, I guess she would have envisioned something else. A change. A growth. You need to change for your betterment, not anyone else, even though she is your motivation. I suggest you change, like you say you want to, and just try to keep in contact with her as friends. Maybe she'll see the change and give you another chance. Actions speak louder than words.

 
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