I don't know where to start. Summer 2008..we met through the guys, I love the guys.. . I'd work all day and he had night shifts most of the time so we wouldn't really be on the same timing, but since it was summer we could hang out after he ended work that night. By the beach, clubbing. Whatever it was, where ever we went my feelings just grew and I didn't even know it. I never thought anything would happen. I thought I wasn't his type. He is smart, tall, and knows what his next move is.
More texts, I saw him more often and we would always "end up" sitting next to each other when we'd go out. Then the time came and I was flying to Minnesota for a month. I wanted to help my sister with the huge change in her life, family always comes first. I left earlier than I expected, and surprised him.
September 2nd till May 2nd 2009, it had been 8 months and he had to end it.. and I will never forget the pain I went through. I wasn't priority in his life. He had a lot more going on at the time. It wasn't all his fault, as usual he took the rational way to do things and I respect that. He got accepted in this program where they would take him to the U.S and visit all the historical places, political powers and all that. He wasn't financially able to do this himself, he got 75% scholarship from an expensive university and he paid the rest, nothing from his parents, and he worked very hard, and supported his family. I was very happy for him, he got an amazing opportunity, I loved that he was able to experience America.
My ticket was booked for August 23rd and he got back August 7th. After two months of not thinking of him- constant work and partying, I see him again and I want to puke. I love him so much that I hated to see him. His intentions were good but hurt me, he wanted to spend my last days in Lebanon with me. so he went out with me, the guys, like before.
We all sat in the chalet, in a circle, none of us are happy.. in a few hours I was going to be on a plane and I won't see the guys for 9 months. We all tried to be pleasant but it was hard. He walks up to me while everyone was saying bye and hugging me, he puts his rosary in my arm, hugs me and says "take care". All I wanted to do was never let go of him. Thinking of it now makes me feel nauseated. I boarded that plane and I was home, not my usual home, my new home.
I'm a very very closed up person, I don't share my feelings, I only do with specific people..if anything. With him, I threw my heart out there, I really really was very passionate about him, I wasn't myself, I was a new person, and it was great. After getting hurt and going through so much pain, I honestly don't think I'll ever do it again. I used to have wedding fantasies and now they are all gone, I feel as if it is from this. It's like, if its not going to be him, then I'm not even going to bother and get married, once you've had the best, you won't know how to settle for less. No guy looks or even levels up to him. He was perfect for me and I don't know if I was the same for him. People, even the guys said we were perfect for each other. But I guess things went wrong and it was the right time time for it. I do love him, and it took hurt, pain and time for me to realize the depth of my love. And trust me, its deep.. very deep. I'm strong and I will live with this, I have hope for this summer, but I won't put my hopes up.. I don't want to hurt anymore. I love him and I realized that I love him so much to let him go, he needed it and that was the most I could do for him. I hope he realizes and knows that I will always love him.
Anything will help.. Thanks