It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-15-2010, 05:46 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1
judyf HB User
Unhappy Perfect male companion, yet worst flaws ever. help?

ok i never thought id actually be able to consult a site and people to help me out but i really think this is the time for me to hear other people's points of views because this is critically driving me crazy.. In a nutshell:
Ive been dating my bf since last october and its been going really well to the extent that we're taking it on a whole new level and planning our future lives together..e.g marriage, family.. settling, etc..
He is literally the type of person who would never hurt a bug, never make anyone sad, or would never have any bad intentions against anyone..deep inside he is not meant to be an ******* and no im not saying that because i love him. its true, its his character. Yet what disturbs me and causes so many endless problems between us are his flaws. hes a very strong and stubborn person no matter how hard u try to crack his head for hours and hours and hours.. whenever theres a fight or a problem, he thinks he's always right.. See his intentions are never to be selfish, but there seems to be a little immaturity taking place which allows him to be unconsiously selfish but he doesnt notice it... here's the ironic part. for example, ure mad, and u have ur reasons.. u go up to him and decide to express urself and let out all ur feelings to him inorder to feel better and work it out in the best way possible.. Yet in a way, it always ends up with HIM getting mad in the end because he disagrees with why im mad from the first place! and ends up forgetting that its ME whos upset and needs a lift of mood! it twists all back on me and he doesnt notice! "hello" ? im the mad one here ?
Second, his anger, big problem. when he gets angry he forgets the world and cannot control his anger. u litterally have to leave him alone so that u dont get **** back in ur face. they usually say that if there is no love, trust, and mostly respect in a relationship then there is no use at all right? well, its the respect part im suffering from and trust me i have never disrespected him in any way possible and always was the better person...always tried to use the best ways to try to talk to him, never disrespected him nor did i insult him with any words, used patience endlessly, and tried listening to him and talking to him in the calmest ways possible..but its just so hard with a stubborn person its not even funny. He tends to disrespect me when he gets mad or angry even though he doesnt mean it at all, but it really gets to me because when im disrespected i feel like im being under estimated and my dignity aswell as level of respect isnt appreciated much towards me. i do have my self respect to maintain yet i dont know how to make him notice that without respect in a relationship , its nothing.. i tried talking to him about it and making him understand, and it worked, but the problem is that when he gets angry, noone can stop him. he hasnt abused me, just said some disrespectfull things like " **** off" , or get out of my face, and so on... See thats not him. and it hurts to see that because im not used to it, and it gets to my feelings. at this point, how many times should i keep repeating the lecture to him? should i be a ***** and leave him alone so he notices and learns? or should i try over and over again? Put in mind, Im growing old cuz of this ****...

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-15-2010, 06:26 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: California
Posts: 2,095
Redneon82 HB User
Re: Perfect male companion, yet worst flaws ever. help?

It IS him. If he does it, it's him. It's just a side of him you don't like.

If he forgets to be respectful when he's angry, there's not much you can do to convince him when he's NOT angry.

Has he acknowledged that he has a problem, ever? And if so, is he willing to get help with his anger? And if not, are you willing to accept this as a part of him?
__________________
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong

 
Old 04-15-2010, 06:37 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Kszan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,958
Kszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB User
Re: Perfect male companion, yet worst flaws ever. help?

What's perfect about a guy who verbally abuses you and tells you to F off whenever he gets mad? Who twists everything around to make everything your fault? Who is so narrow minded that he refuses to acknowledge that other viewpoints exist and that yes he may actuually be wrong? What's so perfect about that?

He is an abusive, narrow minded control freak. How is that even remotely a perfect companion?

You need to reevaluate why you're so willing to be in a one-sided relationship in which you are being blamed for everything 100% of the time. Where's the benefit to you in this? What do you get out of it? Besides some major feelings of self-doubt and eventual total destruction of your self esteem?

 
Old 04-15-2010, 08:43 PM   #4
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 101
islandjohnny HB User
Re: Perfect male companion, yet worst flaws ever. help?

Judy, from a guys point of view...... I have to say.....I agree with what the ladies have already expressed. I can not say that I'm without relationship faults, but I do recognize what you are expressing is his frustration. I also feel that although you're aware of his disrespect towards you, it seems as if you just can't seem to accept it as a personality trait in him.

I wish you the very best and please know we all are who we are, with our own pros and cons in our personalities. Also, ignoring a problem will never lead to solving it. In thinking back over the years, I can honestly say that I've never heard of anyone winning an argument, by forcing their opinion on someone else who had a strong opinion of their own.

 
Old 04-16-2010, 06:58 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,320
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Perfect male companion, yet worst flaws ever. help?

he's manipulative and disrespectful......
you say he hasn't abused you......but he has, he's verbally abused you and emotionally abused you. In time if you stick around he will probably physically abuse you too. His anger is his responsibility.....it's a cop out to say he can't control it.
stop making excuses for him.

 
Old 04-16-2010, 07:37 AM   #6
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Grand Forks, ND, USA
Posts: 291
kewlgirl HB User
Re: Perfect male companion, yet worst flaws ever. help?

Be careful with a guy like this....I would wonder if he's like this when you are dating, how things will change if you get married? Will he be more controlling than he is now? Do you really want you set yourself up for that?

I would tread with caution. He sounds like he has his own personal demons he has to work through.
__________________
KG

 
Old 04-16-2010, 08:59 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
River rocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Riverside
Posts: 506
River rocks HB User
Re: Perfect male companion, yet worst flaws ever. help?

Love is a two way street but your boyfriend is on a one way highway.

You can show him all the respect in the world but he has already proven to you what you will get in return.

You say "this is not him." But it IS. He is showing his true colors. Believe me. You will not change him by lecturing him. You will not change him by "being a b**** and seeing of he notices" either.

Start respecting yourself, stop putting up with his crap, and let him deal with THAT.

Last edited by River rocks; 04-16-2010 at 09:03 AM.

 
Old 04-16-2010, 02:11 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 874
resolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB User
Re: Perfect male companion, yet worst flaws ever. help?

There is a man named Gavin de Becker who is an expert on personal safety and deciding if you are in an abusive relationship. He was on Oprah yesterday and has an online assessment you can take called Mosaic. If you do a search you can find it and I'd strongly suggest you take a few minutes and see what results you get. Be honest. It's just between you and the computer. I think you'll find the folks here are giving you a fair and needed warning.

The most difficult people are the ones who can be sweet and charming one minute and then off in anger the next. It's human nature to want to cling to the sweet side but it's the anger that will destroy you every time.

Good luck.

 
Old 04-16-2010, 04:46 PM   #9
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 147
goingdaffy HB User
Re: Perfect male companion, yet worst flaws ever. help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by judyf View Post
Yet what disturbs me and causes so many endless problems between us are his flaws. hes a very strong and stubborn person no matter how hard u try to crack his head for hours and hours and hours..
at this point, how many times should i keep repeating the lecture to him? should i be a ***** and leave him alone so he notices and learns? or should i try over and over again?
Going at him for hours and hours sounds disrespectful to me. I don't think he's the only one being disrespectful.

 
Old 04-16-2010, 05:50 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 874
resolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB Userresolution09 HB User
Re: Perfect male companion, yet worst flaws ever. help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by goingdaffy View Post
Going at him for hours and hours sounds disrespectful to me. I don't think he's the only one being disrespectful.
Good point.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Please help with unusual malady: extreme noise/visual irritation. Rsingleton Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 14 02-08-2011 11:14 PM
Male, 22...extremely worried JT511 Cancer: Colon 16 03-28-2007 07:03 AM
Trying to lead the perfect life perfect_life Depression 3 11-09-2006 09:26 AM
does your significant other have perfect skin or much better than yours? worried? quamen Acne 4 09-22-2006 08:29 PM
Am I a "healthy hetereosexual male," or not so much? Confused? ADDsubtract Sexual Health - General 10 11-12-2005 05:17 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (271), rosequartz (251), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (95), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (999), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (833), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (747), sammy64 (667), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:26 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!