Mel, I do understand where you're coming from. My ex acted indifferent toward me lots of times, especially if there was another woman (or young girl) that he saw and wanted to come on to. But let another man be even in the remote vicinity of me and whammo...I couldn't peel the guy off of me! He was a man-ho who chased anything female, so he assumed other men were the same, and he didn't want other guys flirting with me. So he'd pull the super-affectionate BF routine. Annoying.
Another thing I did to upset him was move out of his house and into my own house. He became super-affectionate when I announced I was going to move out. As long as I was there, in his house, he knew he "had" me, but when I planned to move out, he realized I could very easily never come back. Hence the loving BF routine. (I moved out anyway, lol).
So I'd say for insecure men, yes, the independent woman can be threatening to their view of the relationship, because she has the capability of leaving him. But I'd say strong, secure men wouldn't feel this way. They'd be proud of their wives' and girlfriends' accomplishments and encourage them.
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
It's a bad relationship if the woman feels like she's wholly dependent and helpless, and the man actually wants to keep it that way. That's not much of a man, either. Not saying there's not men like that, but I hope it's the exception rather than the norm.
My husband had online affairs years ago when the internet and chats first came out. he even went to MN to meet some of them. he had lived there before and his parents were there so it was convenient to go at the time.One lady was married and her husband was fit to be tied that MINE showed up to visit. One girl was seperated but my hubby never connected with her while there. No one was what they seemed and he came home totally dejected and BEGGING me to take him back which I did because we had a 9 yr old son at the time that needed his dad. I told him NEVER to ask again as this was his LAST chance. If he found someone online he was welcome to GO I wouldn't hold him back next time. That took care of THAT issues More have come as we have now been married 22 years and something else may have ended our marriage. The trust issue is a hard one to get over.
I caught my husband of 15 years having an "emotional affair" (or at least he says that is as far as it went--this I do not believe) by accident--using his laptop found to/from emails. The reason I decided to reply--others may disagree--but I had to let this also married woman and her husband know that I knew. All communication was to be severed; how could I be sure? I called her husband and gave details...adv I had emails...he needed to control his wife and I would do my best to ensure contact was severed per my husband. Her husband was the biggest help in all of this because he was furious...he wanted the emails. My husband was afraid her husband would kill him as well. I figured that was his problem!! I confronted her several months later and told her (as I told my hubby) if she ever spoke to my husband again..email...went by office...sees him at lunch..etc..she better go the opposite direction as if she doesnt know him. Otherwise, I would give her husband the emails he desperately wants.
Proud to say...these two are caput...of course..I had and have many other issues to deal with ......I am POSITIVE the one I caught is NOT the ONLY ONE....
Thank you for sharing your experience, so how are things now, how did you repaired the trust?
The email relation had been going on for a long time, he did not stopped when our relation got serious or after we got married.
I started getting suspicious when I saw him hiding his chats whenever he was talking to her and when I asked about this "friend" (when I told him I thought it was inappropriate to be so chatty with a married woman he said I made him feel guilty for something innocent !).
So August last year, he left the chat open and I saw the messages and the old logs. He wrote her an email in front of me saying I had found their messages and they should stop what they had been doing.
Then I saw her name again in his MSN contact list in December and last month; so when I asked him, he said he was curious what was happening in her life cuz the last time they had spoken she was actually cheating on her husband with another man
The context - the woman is married to a friend of my husband; my husband also had a relation like that with the girlfriend of one of his best friends, so is not the first time.
I thought about doing the same as you, but then some of the comments made me think that the issue is with my husband so I do not know how to move on or fix this...
Wow - well, yeah, I for one would not want to be married to a man I couldn't trust and who was only with me because I threatened him or scared him or something, and not because he just loved me. But I think very few marriages are built on love, trust and true partnership. most marriages are marriages of some kind of convenience.
I think you have to decide what you want, this marriage at any cost, or a man who loves you and only you and who respects you too much to do something like this to you without you having to threaten him with bodily injury from the husband of one of his honeys.
This type of situation is the reason why I give people the advice not to stay with someone after they have cheated. As you can see, it didn't take long for him to go right back to it because that's what cheaters do.
I agree that your problem is with your husband and not the woman. If your husband wasn't so pathetic, you wouldn't be having this problem.
I agree!!! "Chester Cheaters" never change. Tell him adios! You deserve better!
hi, be real careful, weigh the good and the bad. don't break up a family over some dumb text messages. if you have a good quality of life , safe, warm and your children have a father they love, get over yourself. you have many more important things to worry about than your hurt feelings. if he comes home every night and puts food on the table, treats you like a friend and a lover, . stop looking for trouble, reading his messages and texts, sounds like a flirtation and a little bit of the grass is greener syndrome. i have never met anyone who had an affair , left the wife and was happy! flirting behavior is a natural thing, haven't you ever found yourself being overly cute around another man? now, if he rubs your nose in it, flaunts this deal, and continues to humiliate you, dump him, hes driftwood! dont mean to be harsh, if you hadnt seen the text, would this still be the man you would marry?
Wow! I hope I never have to live you your world!!! I have known people, male and female, who broke off a relationship due to cheating and are now tremendously happy - I am one of them!
Tapatia - whether this man had physical relations with this woman or not, he was cheating. And lying to you about it. You must decide what you want to do and what you can live with. But remember he is cheating and lying!!!
red, i agree, cheating in a relationship is not allowed. this is a marriage, a home family, kids. sometimes you have to place the needs of others before your own. sometimes forgiveness needs to take place , understanding is more important than ego. i know i am not the center of the universe and that works out very nicely. i am not a leave the cap off the toothpaste and I'm outta here type person. whenever there is a problem in a relationship you need to look inward, what is my part in this situation. nothing in a family is beyond forgiveness. glad your happy though.
Well there's certainly been a lot to think about by reading this post! I appreciate all I've learned myself just by all the very good advice and responses! At the beginning, this lad who started this post seemed "blind" and in such denial that her husband was at fault too!! Her main concern was the "other woman". Why be SO concerned about her life?? There was never a commitment made to her in a marriage! Your husband and yourself are the ones with the commitment! One of my favorite sayings applies here: "If NOTHING changes, NOTHING changes.." Go straight to your husband and have an open straightforward honest conversation with him. Tell him he did NOT honor his promise. To you, therefore, their are consequences to be had. Find yourself a temporary place to stay to show him you mean business!! If NOTHING changes,,,NOTHING changes..!! Mykinzie.
(*Larrylou's Mom: READ my post!!) tapatia13 I did not say I resorted to having someone threaten my husband with bodily harm nor did I say my husband stayed due to any type of threat from me or anyone else. In fact, as in Tatiana's case---both of our husbands were afraid of the other woman's spouses (on their own)---after all, they were messing around with their wives--very understandable. I just chose to use what he said/his own fear to my advantage. I confronted the woman...never threatened her. I just needed closure and for her to see this beautiful face!X It is true I reiterated to her what my spouse said he had told her which was that all contact was to be severed. I just added the part about finding out otherwise, would mean I would contact her husband again and give him what he wanted.
All I was truly stating...was not for anyone to threaten to beat anyone's *ss--but we have families at stake/with children.....and to have more people watching the store so to speak...the better!.
The reason I stayed with a cheater is because I have 20 years invested; children....and I loved him. He loved me. He showed remorse...did a lot of work---therapy...joint therapy. It has been 3 years and there has been no more instances like this (that I know of!!). We also found our way back together through a lot of prayer and becoming VERY active in church. We are both new people now and dont take other for granted.
The trust building has been slow...I still have triggers...but it can be done. The ONLY threat I have ever made...is if it were to happen again or I even get a feeling it is happening..then I would divorce him--which I fully would uphold.
Well don't give up easily well make your hubby feel comfortble with you talk nicely to him well my friend did that and he got his wife back too well maybe cook him what he likes to =D well good luck to you then.
Hello. I don't understand at all why you want so badly to talk to "her" or "her husband". Why are you so concerned about THEM? What about your own husband? If I were you, I'd be pretty worried about my own marriage! Probably you should focus more on your own relationship wi th your husband, and let them take care of their own marriage. Read your post again and now ill bet you can see this for yourself. The best to you.....