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Old 04-16-2010, 12:50 AM   #1
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Woman seeking my husband

Hello,
I am debating between doing nothing or contacting the woman that won't let go my husband.
They had a sex/chat relation for many years, she is married to a friend of his and she has been unfaithful to the husband with another man. I discovered their affair last year and he promised to cut communication.
However, I found out yesterday she has tried to contact him by phone and email, and he tried to contact her on the chat also.

So he said that he won't do it again, but I am afraid the insistence of the woman will tempt him. BTW her husband has no idea what she has done.

I thought about calling her or talking to the husband, but I fear he will come and punch mine. I feel like I should do something... any thoughts?
thanks!

 
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Old 04-16-2010, 05:12 AM   #2
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

Your problem is with your husband. You should concentrate your efforts on that.

 
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Old 04-16-2010, 06:07 AM   #3
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

This type of situation is the reason why I give people the advice not to stay with someone after they have cheated. As you can see, it didn't take long for him to go right back to it because that's what cheaters do.

I agree that your problem is with your husband and not the woman. If your husband wasn't so pathetic, you wouldn't be having this problem.

 
Old 04-16-2010, 06:51 AM   #4
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

I'd cut your husband loose and let her have him!
what are you hanging onto?

 
Old 04-16-2010, 07:18 AM   #5
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

Thank you for your comments, you made me realize I wanted to blame others not him...

 
Old 04-16-2010, 08:50 AM   #6
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

Has there been a physical sexual affair, or has it been limited to chatting/sex chatting? I'm not excusing sex chatting, because that can be considered cheating also. But, different couples have their own set of boundaries. Just because one couple would never tolerate cyber cheating doesnt mean that another couple cant work through the issues.

If it has turned physical then that is definately a whole other ball of wax.

I'm just saying that cyber sex is, unfortunately, so easy to do and so accessible, that if everyone got divorced over it without trying to work on the marriage, divorce would be up in 75 percent rate.

If it has been "limited" to cyber talk only, I think you have an opportunity to get to the bottom of things and find out why he goes there. See if he is willing to do the work that would get his focus back on the two of you.

Last edited by River rocks; 04-16-2010 at 08:50 AM.

 
Old 04-16-2010, 09:29 AM   #7
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

You are afraid if you tell the other woman's husband he will punch your husband? Hmmm...

I think the tendency to always blame the other woman is misdirected. No woman can have an affair (physical or otherwise) with someone else's husband unless the husband is on board. There's no such thing as "it just happened" or "I didn't want to, but she insisted" or "I was drunk and didn't know what was happening".
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Last edited by Redneon82; 04-16-2010 at 09:32 AM.

 
Old 04-16-2010, 09:39 AM   #8
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

Red I think what she said was that if she told the affair girl's husband that he would come punch her cheating liar husband. Not that he would punch her. I had to read it twice too because the sentence structure is messed up so it's hard to understand.

Last edited by Kszan; 04-16-2010 at 09:41 AM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 04-19-2010, 03:26 AM   #9
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
Red I think what she said was that if she told the affair girl's husband that he would come punch her cheating liar husband. Not that he would punch her. I had to read it twice too because the sentence structure is messed up so it's hard to understand.
Yes, I meant I am afraid the girl's husband will come and punch my husband and hurt him..

 
Old 04-19-2010, 03:44 AM   #10
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

Hello, as far as I know it's been limited to sex chat and photo exchange, they did plan to meet but something always came up (shouldn't that had been a sign?) one time he went for emergency surgery, other time the car broke down and so on.
I can't think clear right now, his lies hurt me and I can feel the space between us is growing.

But I understand that now is easier to engage in a virtual relation and fantasize, and some people can think is not a big deal, that's why I wanted to hear other opinions in case I am over reacting.
Thanks!

 
Old 04-19-2010, 03:47 AM   #11
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

No, you are not overreacting.

Whether or not this was a cyber relationship only, your husband is still contacting, or trying to contact, the other woman. He obviously feels contact with her is more important than his promise to you to put an end to it.

I can understand why you are angry with the other woman, but it's your husband that has betrayed you, and he alone is responsible for his actions.

So he arranged to cheat on you but circumstances got in the way? The only reason I can see that he would still be trying to contact her is that he had no intention of keeping his promise to you and is still looking to have his affair. He promised to break all contact last year and has since broken that promise. You can't trust that he will keep it this time either.

Last edited by Ely4; 04-19-2010 at 04:02 AM. Reason: posted same time as last update, edited to include new details.

 
Old 04-19-2010, 05:47 AM   #12
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

I went throgh something very similar and I DID call the woman. This was all a very bad Idea. I dont know what I thought I would gain by this. Did I expect her to say sorry? Or maybe that she would never do it again? Nope.....she told me that if I couldnt keep my husband happy then it was my loss. WHAT A B****! She called me every name but my own. Then my husband got upset with me for interfering. He said he had stopped and why didn't I trust him. In the end.....he had stopped, and I was jumping the gun. Not to say this is what you have done. I'm just giving you my own experience with it. I think you have every right to be upset with both of them. First of all, shame on the woman who walks into somebody else's marriage and try's to cause a problem. I dont care what they say about all being fare in love and war. Marraige is sacred, there are two sides to every story, and men and women alike just shouldnt go there. It's wrong. As far as your hubby, I woldnt get into it with him anymore either. I think if I had to do it all over again, I would have done something to improve myself. And I dont mean a makeover to look better for him! I would have gone back to college to be more independant. Or gotten a job to get me out of the house, and be around other people. I would have pulled away from him, and concentrated on the things that I wanted out of life. Guys dont like it when their wives start pushing at them over every little thing. But they hate it even more when their wives become independant of them. All of a sudden, he has to be a better man, because he knows now, you have the strength, and the ability to walk. The ball is in your court. Wipe those tears, get strong, and figure out your next move. Be deliberant and steadfast. No matter what, do not go forward on emotions like I did. Use your brain and think about what's best for you.
Melissa

 
Old 04-20-2010, 09:27 AM   #13
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

Thank you Melissa for sharing your experience, I think I am expecting the same thing, to hear her say I am sorry but not sure her moral is on the proper side. I also think mariage is sacred and a relationship needs a bond between 2 not 3,4...I'll follow your advice, I have to cool down and maybe it's time to find out where I'm at and where I wanna go...
Thanks again !


Quote:
Originally Posted by justmel30 View Post
I went throgh something very similar and I DID call the woman. This was all a very bad Idea. I dont know what I thought I would gain by this. Did I expect her to say sorry? Or maybe that she would never do it again? Nope.....she told me that if I couldnt keep my husband happy then it was my loss. WHAT A B****! She called me every name but my own. Then my husband got upset with me for interfering. He said he had stopped and why didn't I trust him. In the end.....he had stopped, and I was jumping the gun. Not to say this is what you have done. I'm just giving you my own experience with it. I think you have every right to be upset with both of them. First of all, shame on the woman who walks into somebody else's marriage and try's to cause a problem. I dont care what they say about all being fare in love and war. Marraige is sacred, there are two sides to every story, and men and women alike just shouldnt go there. It's wrong. As far as your hubby, I woldnt get into it with him anymore either. I think if I had to do it all over again, I would have done something to improve myself. And I dont mean a makeover to look better for him! I would have gone back to college to be more independant. Or gotten a job to get me out of the house, and be around other people. I would have pulled away from him, and concentrated on the things that I wanted out of life. Guys dont like it when their wives start pushing at them over every little thing. But they hate it even more when their wives become independant of them. All of a sudden, he has to be a better man, because he knows now, you have the strength, and the ability to walk. The ball is in your court. Wipe those tears, get strong, and figure out your next move. Be deliberant and steadfast. No matter what, do not go forward on emotions like I did. Use your brain and think about what's best for you.
Melissa

 
Old 04-20-2010, 12:42 PM   #14
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by justmel30 View Post
But they hate it even more when their wives become independant of them. All of a sudden, he has to be a better man, because he knows now, you have the strength, and the ability to walk.
This is a pretty messed up view of what men want. But, hey, what would I know.

tapatia13, I don't think you owe your husband more than one shot. If he blows it, which it seems he already did, I'd figure out an exit strategy for yourself because it's not going to get any better.

 
Old 04-20-2010, 02:40 PM   #15
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Re: Woman seeking my husband

Well you can disagree with me caberg, but dont tell me my views are messed up. From my experience, this is what I have learned. And many people before and after me, have said and will say the same thing. You can be different, and maybe I shouldnt have made the statement to include all men. But many will tell you that there are a lot of men who behave that way.

 
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