Hello,
I am debating between doing nothing or contacting the woman that won't let go my husband.
They had a sex/chat relation for many years, she is married to a friend of his and she has been unfaithful to the husband with another man. I discovered their affair last year and he promised to cut communication.
However, I found out yesterday she has tried to contact him by phone and email, and he tried to contact her on the chat also.
So he said that he won't do it again, but I am afraid the insistence of the woman will tempt him. BTW her husband has no idea what she has done.
I thought about calling her or talking to the husband, but I fear he will come and punch mine. I feel like I should do something... any thoughts?
thanks!
The following user gives a hug of support to tapatia13: Eggrolls77 (08-11-2011)
This type of situation is the reason why I give people the advice not to stay with someone after they have cheated. As you can see, it didn't take long for him to go right back to it because that's what cheaters do.
I agree that your problem is with your husband and not the woman. If your husband wasn't so pathetic, you wouldn't be having this problem.
Has there been a physical sexual affair, or has it been limited to chatting/sex chatting? I'm not excusing sex chatting, because that can be considered cheating also. But, different couples have their own set of boundaries. Just because one couple would never tolerate cyber cheating doesnt mean that another couple cant work through the issues.
If it has turned physical then that is definately a whole other ball of wax.
I'm just saying that cyber sex is, unfortunately, so easy to do and so accessible, that if everyone got divorced over it without trying to work on the marriage, divorce would be up in 75 percent rate.
If it has been "limited" to cyber talk only, I think you have an opportunity to get to the bottom of things and find out why he goes there. See if he is willing to do the work that would get his focus back on the two of you.
Last edited by River rocks; 04-16-2010 at 08:50 AM.
You are afraid if you tell the other woman's husband he will punch your husband? Hmmm...
I think the tendency to always blame the other woman is misdirected. No woman can have an affair (physical or otherwise) with someone else's husband unless the husband is on board. There's no such thing as "it just happened" or "I didn't want to, but she insisted" or "I was drunk and didn't know what was happening".
__________________
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
Red I think what she said was that if she told the affair girl's husband that he would come punch her cheating liar husband. Not that he would punch her. I had to read it twice too because the sentence structure is messed up so it's hard to understand.
Last edited by Kszan; 04-16-2010 at 09:41 AM.
Reason: spelling
Red I think what she said was that if she told the affair girl's husband that he would come punch her cheating liar husband. Not that he would punch her. I had to read it twice too because the sentence structure is messed up so it's hard to understand.
Yes, I meant I am afraid the girl's husband will come and punch my husband and hurt him..
Hello, as far as I know it's been limited to sex chat and photo exchange, they did plan to meet but something always came up (shouldn't that had been a sign?) one time he went for emergency surgery, other time the car broke down and so on.
I can't think clear right now, his lies hurt me and I can feel the space between us is growing.
But I understand that now is easier to engage in a virtual relation and fantasize, and some people can think is not a big deal, that's why I wanted to hear other opinions in case I am over reacting.
Thanks!
Whether or not this was a cyber relationship only, your husband is still contacting, or trying to contact, the other woman. He obviously feels contact with her is more important than his promise to you to put an end to it.
I can understand why you are angry with the other woman, but it's your husband that has betrayed you, and he alone is responsible for his actions.
So he arranged to cheat on you but circumstances got in the way? The only reason I can see that he would still be trying to contact her is that he had no intention of keeping his promise to you and is still looking to have his affair. He promised to break all contact last year and has since broken that promise. You can't trust that he will keep it this time either.
Last edited by Ely4; 04-19-2010 at 04:02 AM.
Reason: posted same time as last update, edited to include new details.
I went throgh something very similar and I DID call the woman. This was all a very bad Idea. I dont know what I thought I would gain by this. Did I expect her to say sorry? Or maybe that she would never do it again? Nope.....she told me that if I couldnt keep my husband happy then it was my loss. WHAT A B****! She called me every name but my own. Then my husband got upset with me for interfering. He said he had stopped and why didn't I trust him. In the end.....he had stopped, and I was jumping the gun. Not to say this is what you have done. I'm just giving you my own experience with it. I think you have every right to be upset with both of them. First of all, shame on the woman who walks into somebody else's marriage and try's to cause a problem. I dont care what they say about all being fare in love and war. Marraige is sacred, there are two sides to every story, and men and women alike just shouldnt go there. It's wrong. As far as your hubby, I woldnt get into it with him anymore either. I think if I had to do it all over again, I would have done something to improve myself. And I dont mean a makeover to look better for him! I would have gone back to college to be more independant. Or gotten a job to get me out of the house, and be around other people. I would have pulled away from him, and concentrated on the things that I wanted out of life. Guys dont like it when their wives start pushing at them over every little thing. But they hate it even more when their wives become independant of them. All of a sudden, he has to be a better man, because he knows now, you have the strength, and the ability to walk. The ball is in your court. Wipe those tears, get strong, and figure out your next move. Be deliberant and steadfast. No matter what, do not go forward on emotions like I did. Use your brain and think about what's best for you.
Melissa
Thank you Melissa for sharing your experience, I think I am expecting the same thing, to hear her say I am sorry but not sure her moral is on the proper side. I also think mariage is sacred and a relationship needs a bond between 2 not 3,4...I'll follow your advice, I have to cool down and maybe it's time to find out where I'm at and where I wanna go...
Thanks again !
Quote:
Originally Posted by justmel30
I went throgh something very similar and I DID call the woman. This was all a very bad Idea. I dont know what I thought I would gain by this. Did I expect her to say sorry? Or maybe that she would never do it again? Nope.....she told me that if I couldnt keep my husband happy then it was my loss. WHAT A B****! She called me every name but my own. Then my husband got upset with me for interfering. He said he had stopped and why didn't I trust him. In the end.....he had stopped, and I was jumping the gun. Not to say this is what you have done. I'm just giving you my own experience with it. I think you have every right to be upset with both of them. First of all, shame on the woman who walks into somebody else's marriage and try's to cause a problem. I dont care what they say about all being fare in love and war. Marraige is sacred, there are two sides to every story, and men and women alike just shouldnt go there. It's wrong. As far as your hubby, I woldnt get into it with him anymore either. I think if I had to do it all over again, I would have done something to improve myself. And I dont mean a makeover to look better for him! I would have gone back to college to be more independant. Or gotten a job to get me out of the house, and be around other people. I would have pulled away from him, and concentrated on the things that I wanted out of life. Guys dont like it when their wives start pushing at them over every little thing. But they hate it even more when their wives become independant of them. All of a sudden, he has to be a better man, because he knows now, you have the strength, and the ability to walk. The ball is in your court. Wipe those tears, get strong, and figure out your next move. Be deliberant and steadfast. No matter what, do not go forward on emotions like I did. Use your brain and think about what's best for you.
Melissa
But they hate it even more when their wives become independant of them. All of a sudden, he has to be a better man, because he knows now, you have the strength, and the ability to walk.
This is a pretty messed up view of what men want. But, hey, what would I know.
tapatia13, I don't think you owe your husband more than one shot. If he blows it, which it seems he already did, I'd figure out an exit strategy for yourself because it's not going to get any better.
Well you can disagree with me caberg, but dont tell me my views are messed up. From my experience, this is what I have learned. And many people before and after me, have said and will say the same thing. You can be different, and maybe I shouldnt have made the statement to include all men. But many will tell you that there are a lot of men who behave that way.
Mel, I do understand where you're coming from. My ex acted indifferent toward me lots of times, especially if there was another woman (or young girl) that he saw and wanted to come on to. But let another man be even in the remote vicinity of me and whammo...I couldn't peel the guy off of me! He was a man-ho who chased anything female, so he assumed other men were the same, and he didn't want other guys flirting with me. So he'd pull the super-affectionate BF routine. Annoying.
Another thing I did to upset him was move out of his house and into my own house. He became super-affectionate when I announced I was going to move out. As long as I was there, in his house, he knew he "had" me, but when I planned to move out, he realized I could very easily never come back. Hence the loving BF routine. (I moved out anyway, lol).
So I'd say for insecure men, yes, the independent woman can be threatening to their view of the relationship, because she has the capability of leaving him. But I'd say strong, secure men wouldn't feel this way. They'd be proud of their wives' and girlfriends' accomplishments and encourage them.
__________________
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
It's a bad relationship if the woman feels like she's wholly dependent and helpless, and the man actually wants to keep it that way. That's not much of a man, either. Not saying there's not men like that, but I hope it's the exception rather than the norm.
My husband had online affairs years ago when the internet and chats first came out. he even went to MN to meet some of them. he had lived there before and his parents were there so it was convenient to go at the time.One lady was married and her husband was fit to be tied that MINE showed up to visit. One girl was seperated but my hubby never connected with her while there. No one was what they seemed and he came home totally dejected and BEGGING me to take him back which I did because we had a 9 yr old son at the time that needed his dad. I told him NEVER to ask again as this was his LAST chance. If he found someone online he was welcome to GO I wouldn't hold him back next time. That took care of THAT issues More have come as we have now been married 22 years and something else may have ended our marriage. The trust issue is a hard one to get over.
tAPATIA:
I caught my husband of 15 years having an "emotional affair" (or at least he says that is as far as it went--this I do not believe) by accident--using his laptop found to/from emails. The reason I decided to reply--others may disagree--but I had to let this also married woman and her husband know that I knew. All communication was to be severed; how could I be sure? I called her husband and gave details...adv I had emails...he needed to control his wife and I would do my best to ensure contact was severed per my husband. Her husband was the biggest help in all of this because he was furious...he wanted the emails. My husband was afraid her husband would kill him as well. I figured that was his problem!! I confronted her several months later and told her (as I told my hubby) if she ever spoke to my husband again..email...went by office...sees him at lunch..etc..she better go the opposite direction as if she doesnt know him. Otherwise, I would give her husband the emails he desperately wants.
Proud to say...these two are caput...of course..I had and have many other issues to deal with ......I am POSITIVE the one I caught is NOT the ONLY ONE....
Hi KXC,
Thank you for sharing your experience, so how are things now, how did you repaired the trust?
The email relation had been going on for a long time, he did not stopped when our relation got serious or after we got married.
I started getting suspicious when I saw him hiding his chats whenever he was talking to her and when I asked about this "friend" (when I told him I thought it was inappropriate to be so chatty with a married woman he said I made him feel guilty for something innocent !).
So August last year, he left the chat open and I saw the messages and the old logs. He wrote her an email in front of me saying I had found their messages and they should stop what they had been doing.
Then I saw her name again in his MSN contact list in December and last month; so when I asked him, he said he was curious what was happening in her life cuz the last time they had spoken she was actually cheating on her husband with another man
The context - the woman is married to a friend of my husband; my husband also had a relation like that with the girlfriend of one of his best friends, so is not the first time.
I thought about doing the same as you, but then some of the comments made me think that the issue is with my husband so I do not know how to move on or fix this...
